It’s Not About Nipples

isthislegalIt’s amazing —

It’s stupendous —

It’s beyond your
wildest dreams
of what blogging entertainment
can truly be —

You’ll be thrilled,

you’ll be enthralled,

——- you’ll yell
for your money back.

It’s “Journey To The marilyn
Center Of The Mailbag” —

Coming to a
Muscleheaded Blog
near you.

Oh, actually,

it’s already here.

You still got time to grab
some popcorn
and a soda, though.

The snack bar is always open.suspenders

Grab me some Goobers
while you’re over there.

Alrighty —

Everybody comfy ?

My dear readers are
probably the most interesting
people in the world….

And I say that,

not only to kiss your ass,

but also
because it’s true —

Without your flirtation
submissions and comments,

this blog would spin
more outta control
than my head and neck
at Big-Nipple-Con 2017.

Oh,
I’d probably gonna
need a chiropractor
after that.

I dunno what it is
with us guys,
and nipples….

We’re just born haimltoncox
to it, I guess.

But,

our mailbag today
doesn’t really
feature any big nipples,
not real ones anyway.

Sorry.

At least,

I don’t think so…

Lemme feel aroundbuxom
a bit more…

No.

Such a disappointment.

Oh well..

As I was saying
before the whole:

‘nipple bugaboo’,

‘stuff to talk to
my therapist about’

‘thing burst out
of my subconscious
like an exploding
milk carton…. ‘

So,

No nipples.

None.

Hey, a guy’s gotta
exercise some self
control sometimes.

And
listen,
I would very much
appreciate it if you
stopped bringing
them up …..

…. all y’all ever
wanna talk about is
nipples this,
and nipples that.

Oh wait.

That’s me.

Well…

 

Hey,
what’s wrong
with that, anyway?

I mean,
just because
I’m interested
in the subject,
doesn’t mean I’m
totally obsessed by it,
ya know.

I can quit
anytime I want.

Ok–lookie
come on, now, man….

Just do what you
always do
when you’re trying
to get your mind
off something….

Think about baseball.

Yeah…
scoring,
third base,doubleheader
double headers…..

………. that kinda thing.

See how easy that was?

I haven’t thought about nipples in a couple
of nano seconds.

Interesting subject, brief
though.

Did you know that
there are
12 different slang
terms for nipples
that have been used
in popular literature?

lidSure —

there’s :

Blinkers,
Goobers,
Knobs,
Rivets,
Nozzles,
Dumplings,
Nibbles,
Headlights,
Nubbins,
Thermostats,
Ring Dings,
Chi-chi’s,
Bumps,
Nertz,
Dimes,
Pins,
Hi-Ya’s,
Daggers,
Circuit Breakers,
Swellers,
Bullets,
Buttons,
Bingos,
Pimentos,
Raisins,
Throbbers,
Pointers,enjoy
Brailles,
Frails,
Ornaments,
High Beams….

Hmmm….

……….. maybe….
just maybe,
there’s more
than 12.

arthurdepins

It’s April Fish Day

Hey Y’all .

A very happy
April Fish Day
to you and yours.

Damn…
it’s already
that time
again, huh?

C’est comme ça .

Ya know….

I’d love to take credit
for the cool postcards
on this post,
(and on a lot of my
other posts as well)
but I really can’t.

Lemme ‘splain…..

As you probably know,
aI have a couple
very sweet friends
who like to send me stuff,

… with the idea that,
some of it at least,
might work
as part of a post
of one type or another.

Then,
I’ll occasionally send
them something
that will work on theirs,
etc., etc.,
et cetera.7

A lot of the stuff you see
here on the Muscleheaded Blog
got there just that way….

Either it was sent to
me originally,

— or it was sent BACK to me —

submissions from me1908
that were,
for one reason
or another…

— deflected,
objected
or rejected —

deemed unusable,
inappropriate,posion
or completely asinine.

Usually the third one.

So,
ya see,

if you don’t like something
that appears here,

I probably had nothing
at all to do with it.

Sure  —
that’s the ticket.

Although, I can’t see
why anybody with any taste
wouldn’t like these…

I’ve been posting a lot
of antique postcards lately,
so an old friend in Oklahoma
sent me a few fascinating cards
from France, circa 1910,
just in time for April Fish Day !

How someone with
her intellect, taste
and sophistication
keeps her sanity living and
working in rural Oklahoma,
I will never know.a4

(or why she won’t ever
update her blog, either..)

It must be that
whole big fish
in a little pond thing,
I dunno.

Ahem.

We share a love of
all things French —

and one of the more
interesting traditions
there has to do with
the first day of April.

They call it
Poisson D’avril
(‘April Fish’).

Many hundreds of
different cards
celebrating
Poisson D’avril
have been issued —

— but they invariably
look very strange
to someone outside
of La Belle France
not familiar with
the holiday.

Or maybe they look strange
to almost everybody, I dunno.

But, it’s really no different
than the April Fools trick here…

What you do is take a paper fish
and stick it to someone’s back —
afterwards yelling:

” Poisson d’Avril ” !!!!!!!!

Sorta like a ‘kick me’
sticker in the U.S.
without having to
scream an obscure
French phrase.

You get the idea.

Whether a real fish
can be validly used
as a substitute for
the paper one
is a matter of some
controversy, though.

I will say,
I wouldn’t try it
on my first visit to Marseille,
if I was you.

HOY !!!!

.

 

Mail Bag Mania

jen

Dia dhuit !

You just never
know what’s going
to show up in the Ole
Muscleheaded Mailbag,
and I’ve gotta say–

–today’s seee-lection
is a cross-section of
just about everything
and anything.

If indeed
variety is the spice
of life,

— well,a1
this is one
‘MOY CALIENTE’ post.

Wait–
now that I think of it,
I’m pretty sure that
means a different
kinda hot

which of course,
I would admit readily,holymilkmen
but I probably meant
to say ‘MOY PICANTE’ !

Languages..
— meh.

Damn that leanin’
Tower of Babel, anyway.

All I can say is never
offer to pet a big
drag queen’s cat (chatte)z3
in Paris unless you’re very,
very fluent in the language,
man….

— those cobblestones in
Montmartre can be real
hard on the head !

Oh well, it was only a
French Mistake‘ in a
manner of speaking.

Ahem.

I sure am lucky that
nobody ever reads
these things, right?

Whew.bottomless65

So,
as I was saying
before I went
and did some
deep sea diving
in the bottomless pit
of offbeat, obscure
references….

It’s time for our verytj
popular feature
the Muscleheaded Mailbag
in which we reveal the
innermost contents of the
secret hard-drive ZX-01A

– used to store only the most
neat-o of submissions sent
to us by our lovely readers.1938

We used to have
a floppy disk,
but people kept sending
us dirty stuff,
so now it’s a
hard drive all the way,
… N-How.

Flash drive?zhere

Naaah–

I don’t even like the
sound of that, man.

Just one wrong move
and you’re back
to floppy.

Double entendre?

Yes, please —

make it a triple.

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!

.

mexicali

Thanks for the submissions to :
Jen
Katie
Syn
and Karen !

ztj

And Now, Fish Balls In Their Own Juice

fishballsYou have to admit……

Despite the fact that this post
has absolutely nothing at all
to do with bizarre food products ,
it sure makes a dandy way
of starting things off, doesn’t it ?

They are indeed,
fish balls in their own juice.

I had no idea that fish even had ’em.

Jeeez…. sailor
the stuff you learn on the internet, huh?

Of course,
SQUIDS got em.

Knowing me like you do,
how could you doubt it?

And we can be right handy
with them at times.

You put us in the right kinda boat,
——– and you’ll find out, too. slipoffshore

As you can probably tell
from this mindless prattling
that I seem to be doing,

This is one of them
‘no subject’ posts that I write
when my mailbag is full,
and my mind is idea-free.

I’m not saying
that reading this post will
be a total waste of time, though.

Because I think the pictures alone,
are worth the 30 seconds of your life,coffee
you’ll spend perusing it.

Actually,
these are some of the
best ones in the mailbag.

Just how to connect the dots,
as it were,
is the only real issue.

And as,
idley just rambling along,
literarily speaking is concerned,
is a specialty of mine…

No,
you can’t call it stream of consciousness. throttle

You gotta be conscious for that.

The goodies we’ve got for you
today all relate to stuff I like.

Other than those damned fish balls, that is.

Girls in boats hiking up their dress
so they don’t get wet —
ride
Oh, yes,
I like.

Coffee —
well, who doesn’t like coffee,
I ask you.

Tattoos–
sure, man, I’m in.

Motorcycles —

Come on,riding
how easy can these
pop quizzes get anyway ?

If they’d stuck to
these subjects in school,

……. I might not have ended
up a juvenile delinquent.

Ahhh, well….
……………….. who knows.

Now,
that I’m an adult delinquent,

I’m kinda happy about how it all turned out.

star

.

HOY!

The Mighty Mighty MailBag

behindCalling all Muscleheaded Blog fans —

I can actually see
the bottom—

— of the mailbag,
that is.

So, if you’ve got submissions
backed up on your hard drive
that you’ve been just itching
to send in —

— well, now’s as good
a time as any.

(And you might consider
putting somehello
hydrocortisone creme
on that itch
while you’re at it….. )

Hey-
Send us just about anything.

We’re putting out the call, man.

We ain’t picky,
as you already know.

Ahem.

Today’s mix is a bit like
my Aunt Sarah’s stew —

You throw whatever you
have left over ohyeah
in the refrigerator,
the produce cabinet,
and the can pantry at
the end of the week
into a big ole pot, and
then let it boil over.

Then, just skim off
the scum and enjoy.party

Wait…
that didn’t come out right.

But then, neither does my
Aunt Sarah’s stew, usually.

I guess our post today
does have a kinda general
theme, though —

the telephone.

It’s really fun to see
how telephone use
has evolved over the years.

Ok, so ‘evolved’
isn’t exactly cant
the right word…..

‘Devolved’, maybe.

Cause today,
I think people
use telephones
for everything
BUT talking.

Not only do you
no longer have to
imagine what the
hottie at the other end
of the line is wearing
right now–

—  but you can get solines
up close and personal
that it just boggles
the mind, boy.

And I can’t believe that
I actually sound like
I’m complaining
about it, either.

Man, I’m think
I’m being driven
slowly mad,

mad I tell you.

!!!! HOY !!!!!!

deco

Scorched Pyrex and Brunswick Stew

popcornrobotWhen you do a main write
6 days a week,
like we do
here at the
Muscleheaded Blog,

– some days there’s
just no other way
of answering the
posting exigency   —

One just paddles outmyrna
into that raging stream
of consciousness,
grabbing some cool stuff,

related or unrelated,
to take with you and
hoping all the while
that the damn thing
comes together cohesively,elbows40

… sorta like
Mom’s Brunswick stew,

and hopefully not like
Mom’s world-famous
mixed-leftovers casserole.

Sorry, Mom.
and all Irish cooks everywhere.

Hey,
it’s not like3
I grew up hungry.

One look at me,
and you can tell
I never missed a meal.

Flavor deprived, maybe –
– but not hungry.

Where Bobby Flay was
when Mom was learning to cook,
well…
who knows the answer to that one.

She had a few dishesballyhoo2
she could knock out of the park,
and the rest were…
— at best, filler.

Now, you might just be
thinking that I’m using
my Mother’s cooking
as a scapegoat for my
utter lack of creativity
in coming up with a
topic for today’s post….

— and while I patently deny
such an allegation,
it’s true that I am kinda
scraping the proverbialdance
bottom of the scorched Pyrex….

Oh well, she stopped reading
my blog after I made those
snarky remarks about my
Aunt Mary’s sexy stockings
a couple months back,

although I’m still sure that
the belatedness of my
Christmas present frompool
her is completely unrelated,
and simply a matter of
postal service technicalities
of some sort or other…

— and will hopefully
be rectified without
the force majeure requiring
retraction and/or apology.

Damn it,higuyz
I gave her my list in July,
so I’m not really sure
why she couldn’t have
sent it a little farther ahead.

Maybe I shouldn’t have
said ‘no home-cooked items’,
I dunno.

!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!

.

edrunci

The Mailbag Strikes Back

a1Yes, sure it’s that
time again, man.

‘Cause my mailbag’s full —
and it’d be
an awful shame
to waste all
these goodies.

My friends and readers
send me
all sorts of stuff….

and some of it’s
just weird enough
(or in some matches up)
to get on one of theseatsea
here mailbag posts.

The rest gets used on
various other posts
or stored in the
world famous
Muscleheaded Magic Vault —

(located at a
secret location
known only to me,
(I have about 10 feet of space)

Suzie Wonder,bank
(who keeps about
10,000 square feet
for herself and her quote
‘Medical Supplies’)

and a
few thousand Morlocks
who’ll work for a couple
of packages of peat moss)

— for just the
right time,
and/or place.

If I could only rememberfirm
the combination to
the damn thing.

(and how to get there)

All I gotta do, then,
is mop up the place
every once in a while….

which I haven’t done
in a while,
come to think of it….

….. so,kid
I’m kinda afraid to
look in there right now.

But no worries–

— there’s
plenty of goodies
right here
on the local
designated hard drive
without opening
that particular
can of worms
right at this moment.sandy

I’ll just bet
I’m gonna
need gloves,
anyway.

Ahem.

Hey–
what about
them Cubbies, huh?

!!!!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

openwide