Scottie- Beam Up The Mailbag

Thank you,
thank you,
and
thank you

Hey, man,
my mailbag is
full of great stuff
from our lovely
readers —

(and the really
hot ones, too)

— and I can’t wait
to share some of
what’s in there.

Vintage postcards
are always welcome
here at Muscleheaded
Central, ya know.

HINT.
HINT.

(and we’re taking
suggestions for
the Saturday Car Post —

— if you have a vintage car
you’d like to see featured –
send me a piccie! )

Now, I admit,
today’s general
melange
of miscellany isn’t
really a cohesive
theme….

Our subject matter is so
diverse …

(ok,
so maybe there IS
a theme hidden here
somewhere )

And it only
makes sense
as a post that
doesn’t really
go together does.

But, I love it,
so I don’t care,
and I’m just
‘a grabbin
and ‘a postin.

And I don’t
care
what anybody says….

Hee Haw was a
very funny show.

If you don’t agree,
well, you just
tell Junior all about it-

— call BR5-49.

Oh….

where oh where
are you tonight —

why did you leave me
here all alone —

I searched the world over
and thought
I’d found true love –

you met another and
phhhhttt you was gone.

Gives ya the
goose bumps, don’t it?

!!! HOY !!!!

.

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Hey Mister Postman

seatHiya —

I hope you’re having
a groovy week so far !

It’s time again to
reach down deep
( into our inbox )
and see what’s in
the mailbag this week !bloom

I appreciate all the submissions,
and I hope y’all will keep
the great stuff coming in.

My schedule is a
bit weird this week,
but keep those comments
coming in, too, please.
sights
I promise to catch up
on your blogs
as soon as I get back !

So, now….
Onward !!!!

One of the things that
I’ve always loved about
vintage postcards is the
almost corny sense
of ribald humor
they often have.

I think it’s fair to say
that my sense of humor
is pretty similar to them more
in that regard.

There’s nothing
that I like more
than a double entendre, man.

That kind of humor leaves
the interpretation of the image
completely up to the reader– mary

— a person can choose
to take it one way,
or another —
depending on how witty,
or how dirty,
his or her mind is.

To me, the wittier,
or dirtier, the better. retire

But you probably
already figured
that one out, huh?

Sure, it offends some people.

That’s why,
after ten years of blogging,
what is now called nerves
the Muscleheaded Blog
still only has a …
errr…  select few readers…

In the end,
we just get
on most people’s nerves.

Here —
just drink this,
and everything
will feel much better.

A Plop ,
A Fizz ,
and A Happy Happy Joy Joy.

Ahem.

HOY!

a3

Down On The Bottom

” Sweet and Sour “

Sometimes
I dig
down
deep–

deep–

deeper–

Down into the
very bottom of the mailbag,

and,uptoscracth

while I’m doing it,

I’m thinkin’ that maybe
that’s not the greatest
idea I ever had.

Ewwww—-
what’s so sticky
down there???

Ahem.

As I was sayin’….

Some of these
have been in therea1a
so long,

I don’t even remember
just who it was
that originally
sent ’em to me —

If you’re the
guilty party,
let me know,
and I’ll give the
devil his/her due.

Although you’d might
probably rather
remain anonymous
in the case of some
of these cards.

Some of them
seem to reek a
very special
kinda vintage
funk.

Ah well…..

cheeseAs that great writer
of sea stories
William McFee
used to say:
” There is nothing
like an odor
to stir memories. “

Anyhoo —
let’s dig down
to the bottom
and whip something out.

In a manner of speaking, anyway.

Like this one:

The caption of this vintage
postcard explains that:ties

if you are silly enough
to wear a tie
into this ‘no-ties allowed’
steak restaurant
somewhere in Arizona,
like this gleep did, —

— well, then,
the waitresses in ten gallon hats will come along
with some sharp shears
and cut it off for you.

It’s then hung on the wall
along with the place’s
many other innocent
victims of neck-ware abuse.

Hey- but,
look at that steak, man.a2

Sure-
yes,
I hate ties.

And if you just go
and shear off that
expensive Armani tie
that my Mom gave me
for Christmas,
when I take her out on Mother’s Day,
just because the
restaurant’s got a
stupid gimmicky ‘policy’ —

I’m liable to feeding
the management
a heaping helpin’

Or I might just sic
my Mother on ’em.

Which would be MUCH
worse for them,
I promise.

Ok, admittedly,
that place doesn’t
look like
they see a lot of
Armani anything.

But,
I’m just wonderin’
what they’d doa3
if you walked in
with your zipper down.

Them scissors look like they would hurt.

Ah, well….

I already an operation like that when I was a baby, so…

Hey….
(cheap segue follows)

The one thing EVERYBODY
loves is a creepy clown, right?

Well,clowns
OK–

How about a bunch
of creepy clowns
doing tricks on waterskis?

Damn,
you’re hard to
please, man.

This vintage postcard
was from Cypress Gardens —

When I was growing up down there,

that place was THE
official tourist trap of Florida.

None of that Mousey-Planet stuff back then.

Hell, nobody’d even heard of Orlando.

And you can certainly see why…

I mean, where else
but Cypress Gardens
could you hope to see
water-skiing clowns?

(Ok —a7
if you’re from anywhere near Lake McQueeney, Texas,
or were around when I was learning to water-ski,
….. I officially withdraw the question. )

And I dunno who really finds clowns entertaining, anyway.

There sure are a lot of em around, though.

Just sayin.

Now,
let’s say you got
a girlfriend that you
haven’t seen in a while,

and who’s known to
get a little skittish
around graveyards
and morbid stuff
in general….chum

Just what kinda thing
would ya send her to communicate just how
much you’ve been
missing her?

Well, this next card
is so old,

I had to blow the dust
off my computer screen
to see it…..

But, in 1908 —

this little gem was sent to a certain Mary Miller, of Mifflinburg, PA.

The handwritten caption read:

“Dear Mary,
What do You Think of My Chum?”

Personally,

I think his skeletal chum
should choose better company,

but that’s just me.

That guy also needs
a new decorator.

causeYou know,

— there’s nothing on earth
that can entice somebody to ‘sin’
faster than a truly passionate kiss.

And man,

I’d say the one in this vintage postcard
looks like it definitely qualifies.

Of course,
like the caption on this postcard from around 1900 implies–

— it did,
and still does tempt folks into going much further,

and right smack into some serious trouble.germless

Not to mention paperwork.

Of course,
times have changed a bit.

Maybe.

But the pic got me thinking —

I wonder if she kept that dress.

Ahem.

Speaking of sin …..

zionillinoisZion, Illinois
has never been known as a especially tolerant place.

As an evidence of this,
a postcard from the 1930’s will serve quite nicely.

Most cities in the United States have a ‘Welcome To:’ sign.

Zion had this.

The town was founded by a religious zealot,
— who wanted to establish a Utopian society.

Not only was tobacco banned from the place,
but also:a6

alcohol,
gambling,
theatres,
dancing,
pork,
swearing,
spitting,
politicians,
whistling on Sunday,
doctors,
oysters,
purple dresses,
and even tan-colored shoes.

(Clowns were probably right out, too. )

It really doesn’t sound
much like a Utopia,
— to me, anyway.

‘Cause I’m betting lovemaking was on that list, too.

baiser

Mailbag Madness

One of my
regular readers
was nice enough
to point out
that we haven’t
done a real cool
Mail-Bag post
in a couple weeks……

Or even
a lousy one.

Cripes.

Hey-
you’re right,
and there are some
really neat-o things
in there, that I’ve
just been itchin’
to share.

Ok,
so maybe that itch
would clear up by itself,
but still….

I can tell you
that my gym’s
A/C has been
out all week,
and I’m really
getting acclimated
to all this hot,
humid weather that
we’ve been getting here,
albeit involuntarily….

The pleasure of
just sitting in a
nice, cool office
and
writing about it
(instead of screaming at
the owner of the gym)
has made for a
rather bizarre mood
on my part….

Of course,
it’s also
5 in the morning,
which adds to the
whole idiosyncratic
feeling of the thing.

Hopefully,
that might show
up in the post,
who knows.

Sexy?
I’m not sure.

Mentally stimulating?
Probably not.

Funny?
Hmmmm… well?

But it’s sure to be
interesting, anyhoo.

Hey, John —

Get the gym’s
AIR CONDITIONING
FIXED, man !!!!!!!!

.

It’s Not About Nipples

isthislegalIt’s amazing —

It’s stupendous —

It’s beyond your
wildest dreams
of what blogging entertainment
can truly be —

You’ll be thrilled,

you’ll be enthralled,

——- you’ll yell
for your money back.

It’s “Journey To The marilyn
Center Of The Mailbag” —

Coming to a
Muscleheaded Blog
near you.

Oh, actually,

it’s already here.

You still got time to grab
some popcorn
and a soda, though.

The snack bar is always open.suspenders

Grab me some Goobers
while you’re over there.

Alrighty —

Everybody comfy ?

My dear readers are
probably the most interesting
people in the world….

And I say that,

not only to kiss your ass,

but also
because it’s true —

Without your flirtation
submissions and comments,

this blog would spin
more outta control
than my head and neck
at Big-Nipple-Con 2017.

Oh,
I’d probably gonna
need a chiropractor
after that.

I dunno what it is
with us guys,
and nipples….

We’re just born haimltoncox
to it, I guess.

But,

our mailbag today
doesn’t really
feature any big nipples,
not real ones anyway.

Sorry.

At least,

I don’t think so…

Lemme feel aroundbuxom
a bit more…

No.

Such a disappointment.

Oh well..

As I was saying
before the whole:

‘nipple bugaboo’,

‘stuff to talk to
my therapist about’

‘thing burst out
of my subconscious
like an exploding
milk carton…. ‘

So,

No nipples.

None.

Hey, a guy’s gotta
exercise some self
control sometimes.

And
listen,
I would very much
appreciate it if you
stopped bringing
them up …..

…. all y’all ever
wanna talk about is
nipples this,
and nipples that.

Oh wait.

That’s me.

Well…

 

Hey,
what’s wrong
with that, anyway?

I mean,
just because
I’m interested
in the subject,
doesn’t mean I’m
totally obsessed by it,
ya know.

I can quit
anytime I want.

Ok–lookie
come on, now, man….

Just do what you
always do
when you’re trying
to get your mind
off something….

Think about baseball.

Yeah…
scoring,
third base,doubleheader
double headers…..

………. that kinda thing.

See how easy that was?

I haven’t thought about nipples in a couple
of nano seconds.

Interesting subject, brief
though.

Did you know that
there are
12 different slang
terms for nipples
that have been used
in popular literature?

lidSure —

there’s :

Blinkers,
Goobers,
Knobs,
Rivets,
Nozzles,
Dumplings,
Nibbles,
Headlights,
Nubbins,
Thermostats,
Ring Dings,
Chi-chi’s,
Bumps,
Nertz,
Dimes,
Pins,
Hi-Ya’s,
Daggers,
Circuit Breakers,
Swellers,
Bullets,
Buttons,
Bingos,
Pimentos,
Raisins,
Throbbers,
Pointers,enjoy
Brailles,
Frails,
Ornaments,
High Beams….

Hmmm….

……….. maybe….
just maybe,
there’s more
than 12.

arthurdepins

It’s April Fish Day

Hey Y’all .

A very happy
April Fish Day
to you and yours.

Damn…
it’s already
that time
again, huh?

C’est comme ça .

Ya know….

I’d love to take credit
for the cool postcards
on this post,
(and on a lot of my
other posts as well)
but I really can’t.

Lemme ‘splain…..

As you probably know,
aI have a couple
very sweet friends
who like to send me stuff,

… with the idea that,
some of it at least,
might work
as part of a post
of one type or another.

Then,
I’ll occasionally send
them something
that will work on theirs,
etc., etc.,
et cetera.7

A lot of the stuff you see
here on the Muscleheaded Blog
got there just that way….

Either it was sent to
me originally,

— or it was sent BACK to me —

submissions from me1908
that were,
for one reason
or another…

— deflected,
objected
or rejected —

deemed unusable,
inappropriate,posion
or completely asinine.

Usually the third one.

So,
ya see,

if you don’t like something
that appears here,

I probably had nothing
at all to do with it.

Sure  —
that’s the ticket.

Although, I can’t see
why anybody with any taste
wouldn’t like these…

I’ve been posting a lot
of antique postcards lately,
so an old friend in Oklahoma
sent me a few fascinating cards
from France, circa 1910,
just in time for April Fish Day !

How someone with
her intellect, taste
and sophistication
keeps her sanity living and
working in rural Oklahoma,
I will never know.a4

(or why she won’t ever
update her blog, either..)

It must be that
whole big fish
in a little pond thing,
I dunno.

Ahem.

We share a love of
all things French —

and one of the more
interesting traditions
there has to do with
the first day of April.

They call it
Poisson D’avril
(‘April Fish’).

Many hundreds of
different cards
celebrating
Poisson D’avril
have been issued —

— but they invariably
look very strange
to someone outside
of La Belle France
not familiar with
the holiday.

Or maybe they look strange
to almost everybody, I dunno.

But, it’s really no different
than the April Fools trick here…

What you do is take a paper fish
and stick it to someone’s back —
afterwards yelling:

” Poisson d’Avril ” !!!!!!!!

Sorta like a ‘kick me’
sticker in the U.S.
without having to
scream an obscure
French phrase.

You get the idea.

Whether a real fish
can be validly used
as a substitute for
the paper one
is a matter of some
controversy, though.

I will say,
I wouldn’t try it
on my first visit to Marseille,
if I was you.

HOY !!!!

.

 

Mail Bag Mania

jen

Dia dhuit !

You just never
know what’s going
to show up in the Ole
Muscleheaded Mailbag,
and I’ve gotta say–

–today’s seee-lection
is a cross-section of
just about everything
and anything.

If indeed
variety is the spice
of life,

— well,a1
this is one
‘MOY CALIENTE’ post.

Wait–
now that I think of it,
I’m pretty sure that
means a different
kinda hot

which of course,
I would admit readily,holymilkmen
but I probably meant
to say ‘MOY PICANTE’ !

Languages..
— meh.

Damn that leanin’
Tower of Babel, anyway.

All I can say is never
offer to pet a big
drag queen’s cat (chatte)z3
in Paris unless you’re very,
very fluent in the language,
man….

— those cobblestones in
Montmartre can be real
hard on the head !

Oh well, it was only a
French Mistake‘ in a
manner of speaking.

Ahem.

I sure am lucky that
nobody ever reads
these things, right?

Whew.bottomless65

So,
as I was saying
before I went
and did some
deep sea diving
in the bottomless pit
of offbeat, obscure
references….

It’s time for our verytj
popular feature
the Muscleheaded Mailbag
in which we reveal the
innermost contents of the
secret hard-drive ZX-01A

– used to store only the most
neat-o of submissions sent
to us by our lovely readers.1938

We used to have
a floppy disk,
but people kept sending
us dirty stuff,
so now it’s a
hard drive all the way,
… N-How.

Flash drive?zhere

Naaah–

I don’t even like the
sound of that, man.

Just one wrong move
and you’re back
to floppy.

Double entendre?

Yes, please —

make it a triple.

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!

.

mexicali

Thanks for the submissions to :
Jen
Katie
Syn
and Karen !

ztj