Better Manners In Bed

Of all the places
I would think you
should exercise some
courtesy and manners,
perhaps the most
important place would
be in bed.

After all, it should
be a happy place –
– a friendly place –
a place where
joy abounds.

So, maybe
the thought of somebody
considering a book teaching
things like bedroom manners
to be necessary bugs me
just a little bit.

Then again,
it shouldn’t surprise
anybody, in this world
where please and
thank you’s are becoming
increasingly rare-ified.

Hell, what fun is a
weekend without
at least one good
thank you ma’am
may I have another?“,
I ask you ?

Oooops,
boy,
do I digress.

The books that opened our
post today were originally
printed in the 1930’s — so,
there was a lot of stuff like
how to share a sleeping
compartment on a train,
references to hot water
bottles, and the like —

Suzie Wonder and I
figured we might be
able to do better.

Hence, this post,
a single chapter of what
I’m sure will become an
annoyingly regular part
of the Muscleheaded blog
family.

Not near the 130 some pages
of the original, but then, I’m
not gonna send you a bill for
$19.95 either………

Unless, of course,
you’d be willing
to pay it.

Which is probably
out of the
question, right ?

Oh well.

Anyhoo ……….

I think we can boil this chapter
all down to an old fashioned
virtue called “consideration”-

For instance,
– jammies.

If you’d like your significant
other to ever be interested in
you in ‘that way’ again,
you should never wear
anything that reminds one
of a Canadian winter .

Even if it is
Canadian
winter outside.

Flannel is right out.

So are ‘footies’ ,
or anything that makes
you look like a ‘furry’.

Come on –
you really
should know better.

Suzie’s contribution is
this:

– that you should never,
never, never wear those
‘elephant trunk’ shorts
to bed unless she
specifically asks you
to wear them.

( And she won’t ).

I tend to agree —
as a practical matter,
there’s no sense in
reminding anyone
of one’s ….
errr….
shortcomings,
ya know.

Next…..

I think it’s always helpful
to have things clean and
shipshape…
– to smell good, so your
S.O. doesn’t want to send
out an S.O.S.
( save our stink )  .

Suzie says men should
always shave before they
go to bed.

Her reasoning has something
to do with the disagreeable
nature of cuddling a brillo-pad.

She says that a man can’t really
expect a woman to warm up to
a man whose face scrapes away
soft, silky, moisturized skin
faster than industrial paint
remover.

I definitely get her point……

A quick five minute going
over with an electric razor
might encourage all sorts of
other more timely adventures.

Good thinking, Suzie.

Now,
we’ve been having a
more spirited conversation
as regards to who should get
up in the middle of the night
to take the dog out if such
an eventuality should occur.

My feeling is that the duty
should be rotated –

Her feeling is that if she
rolls over and goes back
to sleep, that means that
you have to do it.

( And she will. )

See how helpful
this stuff is?

!!! HOY !!!

.

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Pardon Me

Manners are a
wonderful
thing to a society.

They are the kinda thing
that makes every day life
feel pleasant and civilized –

And the absence of which
makes it a chore, a battle,
one long confrontation.

Everything from waiting
in line at the supermarket
to answering the phone
and driving down the road
are affected —

and simple things
that can make a
huge difference
to others, like
covering your mouth
when you sneeze,
washing your hands
after using the bathroom,
not using handicapped
parking spaces unless
you’re entitled to em,
ya know…
stuff like that.

And it seems as if
a lot of folks today
have forgotten
just how harsh
the ‘law of the jungle’
can be when basic
civilizing customs
are abandoned for
the sake of convenience,
laziness, or ignorance.

I learned
‘please’ and
‘thank you’
back in first grade —

but I get the
distinct feeling
that the curriculum
has been drastically
changed since then.

Not that I mind
showing my teeth
at the odd rude
person now and then..

but the necessity is
getting monotonously
regular these days……

Ahem.

Yes, now,
I know that I have
spouted on and on
about this same topic
before, so , since
profitless prattling
is in itself pretty
unmannerly, I will
simply point out that
this is, indeed, our
vintage postcard theme
for today, and ask your
kind indulgence with
my sincerest wish that
you enjoy them.

And to remind you
that bashing the back
of a guy’s foot with your
shopping cart can push
a man’s manners only so
far before the fangs come
out.

Sorry about any stains
you mighta got on ya
as a result.

.

!!! HOY !!!

Behave Yourself

Yes, my friends….

It’s your Muscleheaded
buddy here, with more
insipid and generally
out-of-date advice
from the wonderful world
of vintage publications.

In this case,
something
called
How To Behave ” –

a series of
tongue-in-cheek
postcards printed back
around 1910.

Now, I’m sure you need no
counseling on how to behave
yourself…..

Especially not from a guy
who never could master it,
himself…..

Never mind a postcard
illustrator from a hundred
years ago who was just
going for laughs, anyway.

There’s a couple of sets
of these–
a set for men,
a set for women,
and a set for children.

And they are humorous,
if you take the art along
with the captions.

The handwriting is kinda
tough to read, though —

So, I’ll give you
the captions below,
numbered from the top.

1: How To Behave Yourself
(for gentlemen) 
If you meet a lady
acquaintance,
always raise your hat,
it is both fit and proper,
but be sure you know
the lady first.

.

2: How To Behave Yourself
(for ladies ) 
Never interfere with the
workmen who happen to
be in the house. They
sometimes know more
about their job than you do. 

.

3: How To Behave Yourself
(for children ) 
If you find that elder folks 
want to converse quietly
and privately, just retire
to the garden or nursery.

.

4: How To Behave Yourself
(for gentlemen) 
On meeting your future 
ma-in-law, always make 
your most profound bow, 
only be careful of the furniture. 

.

5: How To Behave Yourself
(for ladies )
If you have your portrait
taken, and you’re not happy
about the result, do not abuse
the poor artist – remember
that he has done his best.

.

6: How To Behave Yourself
(for ladies )
If a clumsy man treads upon
your gown at the dance, do not
be angry as he has more cause 
to be upset than yourself.

.

7: How To Behave Yourself
(for ladies )
If your bus is waiting, do

not stop to have the last 
word, as the conductor 
himself may forget himself
and say things. 

.

Alrighty —
well, now that we’re just
about out of these, you’re
on your own now…..

So try to behave yourself.

Or not.

!!! HOY !!!

 

Musta Been The Wrong Face

usMust have been
the wrong time —

or maybe
the wrong place —

Hey–
can’t anybody
read a road map ?
mild
Those clouds don’t
even look right.

Why does this place
seem so far away
from civilization?

There just can’t really
be a Nowheresville,
can there?

I think we shoulda
taken that right turn
at Kookaburra.

Or was that
Kookamunga?

I dunno….

Where’s Dr. John whenlandsend
you need him, anyway?

Air travel ain’t really
any better, though.

I saw that Reader’s Digest
recently came out with an
article about the 14 things
you shouldn’t do on an
airplane.Image result for funny lost vintage postcard

Well,
let me tell you —

if their list included the
only problem-things people
do on an airplane,
life would be really groovy.

They listed stuff like:

don’t go barefoot on a airplane…

don’t get ice in your drink …

don’t eat pretzels that fall out
of the bag onto the pull-down
lap table …..

and

don’t press the ‘flush’ button
in the air-toilet without madeit
a paper towel on your hand.

Come on.

How about:

don’t bring your 6 year old brat
on a plane until they’ve learned
some basic manners …..

or

don’t try to balance
your drink on the arm rest

or

use some deodorant
before boarding

orgetaround

don’t try to use the person
sitting next you as a
combination pillow
and snot-rag ?

I’m getting to
hate travelling, man.

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!

where

Bores At The Boarding House

house

It’s one of those things
we barely think
about these days,
but a surprisingly large part
of the population
in the United States
once lived in boarding houses.hash

About the only time
most of us encounter
them now is at the
occasional
‘bed and breakfast’ —

and when we hear
the term ‘boarding house’
we might think in terms
of the run-down
‘rooming-house’ —

the kinda place
like where the Blues Brothers-
Jake and Elwood Blues lived…..

that is, until Carrie Fisherstarboarder
blasted the place to shit
with a bazooka.

Hey–
watch the
whole movie, man.

Ahem.

The communal style
of life in a boarding house
was, for our predecessors
in the 19th and early 20th century,
especially unmarried
working people,
very commonplace indeed.

And there were soup
boarding houses
for all kinds of people –
— not just transients.

Some high society folks lived in
boarding houses —
like O. Henry
and Sherlock Holmes.

One could find boarding houses

that offered three meals a day,
room and board, laundry,
and all the comforts of home.

Of course, there werea1
codes of conduct
that one would have to observe —

— something they used
to call ‘manners’ —
(which they don’t seem
to teach a lot anymore)
and each house had
it’s own specific rules
about visitors, meals, etc.

One hard and fast rule
that was almost universal
was about mealtimes —

When the hostess rang the bell,
you came a runnin’ — a2
— or you went hungry.

It actually sounds
like my house when
I was growing up.

The wolves would eat even
the bowls if you let em.

Anyhoo…
these cards lampoon the
golden age of boarding house
table manners….
and date from around 1910.

!!! HOY !!!!

 

.fork

 

boar

The Rules of the Air

It never fails.Image result for postcard airplane humor

I’ll book my seat
on an airplane
that I figure’ll be
only half full,
and somewhere
over the wing
where nobody wants to sit…..

Still, I end up
with that same
damned kid kicking the
back of my seat through
the whole flight.

And the same
careless motherImage result for postcard pilot humor
who won’t tell that rotten
little bastard to stop doin’ it.

I dunno why there can’t be
some kinda rule sheet for flyers,
that can posted on the back of each seat,

…. in plain sight of anyone
and everyone who doesnt
understand the basic etiquette of flying.

It’s a small space, after all…..
… with a lot of people crammed into it.

737’s- the plane I end up
flying on most of the time –
are notoriously cramped in coach…Image result for postcard airplane humor 1900's

and I would never –
– never — never —-
pay extra for first class
— it’s against my principles.

Not that I have any qualms
about having room for all two of my legs,
or drinking cold champagne
instead of warm ginger ale….1
or actually having available space
in the overhead compartment….
or having right of first inspection
of any on-boarding hotties ……
or getting off the plane without waiting
for 10,000 people to get the hell outta the aisle.

( I was on a plane recently
that had sleeping cubicles !!! )

It’s just too much like the Navy for me–
where officers get the cushy quarters,
and the guys who do all the work
get to rotate bunks.

Talk about being treated nosedive
like a second class citizen–
flying coach is that and more.

Phoooey.

Hell, they don’t even give ya
a bag of peanuts anymore…
……….. what are they dangerous, now?

Back to the whole flying etiquette fly
thing, though….

I can’t figure out what’s so hard
about the idea that you would want
to behave a little more courteously
and considerately when you’re packed
in like a sardine.

It’s a wonder more fistfights don’t break out
with the way people act on planes these days.

( Did you read about
the flight attendants
who came to blows
during a flight
between Rochester and Atlanta?
landing
Well, maybe I’d be
in a pissy mood too,
if I had to go to Atlanta, again,
but still….. )

No, I definitely feel like a
“Muscleheaded Guide to Flying Etiquette”
post comin on.

above

.
Rule One
: Stop your rotten little brat
from kicking the seat in front of him
.

Look… I understand that kid
is your pride and joy….

and I know modern parents
don’t like to use discipline
on their kids cause it traumatizes ’em and all
— (umm.. yeah)

But you gotta figure:

To me – that kid ain’t nothingImage result for postcard humor airplanes
but a sticky, noisy,
annoyin’ pain in the ass.

and –

That kid is gonna be a lot more
traumatized by ME losing my temper
than if you did it.

You’d better believe that.

.
Rule Two
: Stop your rotten little brat

from hanging over the seat in front of him
and carrying on an inane conversation1907
about Barney the Dinosaur with the
poor, tired musclehead seated therein.

I know, the kid is bored.

Why don’t you buy him some toys ?

Or you could do what my Dad used to do
when he wanted some peace and quiet,
and give him a coupla shots of bourbon ?

.
Rule Three
: Your music is your music.

I won’t tell you how much it really sucks,1942
if you’ll just keep it to yourself.

I love my IPod…
and admittedly, I like it loud….
but even I have sense enough
to keep it turned down low
enough so I don’t interrupt
that geezer next to me’s beauty sleep.

‘Cause I really don’t want to hear any more
about his great-grandchildren or his war stories.

.busted

Rule Four: If you’re gonna drink on the plane,
think MODERATION.

I hate drunks.

Worse, though, are those guys who start out
perfectly sober and go from normal to stupid in 2.4 drinks.
Half the flight, I have to listen to them rave,
the rest of it, I have to watch em throw up.

And why do they always sit next to ME???dutch

.
Rule Five
: If you snore, STAY AWAKE.

It’s nice that you don’t mind being
the center of attention and the
creator of such mirth and merryment
among your fellow passengers,
but me, I’m embarrassed fer ya.

Even that 650 pound smelly dude is laughing at you.

Hey, man.. you gotta think aboutImage result for muscleheaded airplane
having that foghorn of yours fixed.

.
Rule Six
: Don’t piss off the flight attendant.

The people who mess with flight attendants
are the same idiots who talk down
to wait staff in restaurants—

Oh sure, what can she do to ya, right?
Well, here’s the diffference, moron.

If you piss off a waitress, the worst that’ll probably
happen is she’ll spit in your clam chowder.flight

If you piss off the flight attendant,
the pilot could land the plane,
have you removed and charged
with interfering with a flight crew.

Which I couldnt care less about-
except I’ll be sitting on a tarmac in Keokuk
when I should be landing in Chicago
in time for the Bears game.

Talk about makin’ somebody mad.a1

.
Rule Seven
: Carry-on luggage MUST fit
in the overhead compartment
or under your seat.

I don’t know how these people get
through all the checkpoints with oversize luggage —
maybe it expands from the plane pressure, I dunno…..

but I’ve been delayed so many times by dimwits
carrying on oversized luggage I’ve lost count.howdy

The last time, this couple —
( wearing T-Shirts from the Loxahatchee Nudist Colony
that said “I’d Rather Be Naked”—-
…… well, I’d rather they weren’t… )

They carried on a large cloth shopping bag,
that couldnt go into the overhead because it was open…
and couldnt fit under the seat.

The F/A told her she shoulda checked it-
the woman replied that the bag contained “Personal Items”,
and didnt want to check it.

What kinda “personal items”, asked the F/A….

The woman starts pulling out all these …..
…… ummmm….. devices.

She sells em apparently…..a2

The F/A look at the woman like she’s out of her mind..
…. goes and conferences with another one….
……. this goes back and forth for fifteen minutes.

In the meantime, three rows back from these maniacs,
I got steam comin outta the top of my head.

We can’t go anywhere until these people
figure out where to put their sex toys???

I coulda shown em.drop
And woulda – if they’d held that
plane up five more minutes.

.
Rule Eight
: Get Yer Own Damn Magazine.
I don’t get nearly as much time
as I’d like to catch up on my reading…..
.. a flight is a good opportunity for me
to catch up on my back issues
of Muscular Development.

That is, unless I got someone
trying to read it
from the seat next to me.

It’s bad enough I gotta
share my legroom
cause you stashed
your laptop down there,
but I’m not sharin my magazine.
Buy yer own, ya cheapskapanamte.

And don’t tell me
the story about
why you’re not working out
anymore ’cause of your bad back.
I’ve heard it.

.
Rule Nine
: Cover your mouth
when you cough or sneeze, Goober.

Didn’t your momma ufoteach you ANYTHING?

 

Now, if these rules seem
like asking too much…..

well, you might consider
acquiring alternative transportation….

.

H O Y !!!!
.

 

 

Image result for postcard humor airplanes