The Flip Side of The Equation

penOk–
so, maybe the Muscleheaded Blog is getting a little long in the tooth.

Well,
as long as I keep getting mail,
I’ll always have something to blog about.

One of the Muscleheaded Blog’s most popular posts ever
( 3 people ‘liked’ it so far )
was a piece called ” Why Mature Women Make Better Lovers “…

readitwrongNow, when I wrote that,
… it never occurred to me,
that I would be asked to argue the opposite end of the equation —

Namely, “Why Mature Men
(sorta like me, for instance) Are Better Lovers”.

Then, I get an email from an old reader of mine who demanded to know why I hadn’t done it yet.

I replied to her query,
quite accurately,
that since I really had no experiences from that particular second-person perspective on which to write —

mardigrasexcept,
maybe,
what turned out to be a complete misunderstanding at one Mardi Gras, in the late 1970’s…

… and of which,
the less said the better, I guess…

Let’s just say that — the lack of an Adam’s Apple–
might not always be the most dependable guide to use
after a night of
dim lights,
debauchery
and drinking….

But, I digress.after

Anyhoo,
I told her I wouldn’t even know where to start.

She answered that she meant that being an almost middle-aged man myself,

and being the world-famous redhead-crazy guy that I am:

I should be able to explain/defend why a redhead,
or ANY woman,
should choose one of us mature dudes,
— instead of a younger, more …. well, energetic one.morning after

Then she used the ‘B’ word.

Ya know, the B word —

BET.

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbeeeeeettttttttttttt ?

Unless, of course, I wasn’t UP to the challenge.

HEY —
I’m ALWAYS up for it.

Sometimes,
that fact makes it difficult to walk around in polite society,aftera
but never mind all that now.

So —
Here We Go with :
Muscleheaded’s Top Five Reasons Why Mature Men Are Better :

 

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Number One: baby

Most ladies like to know a man she’s thinking about dating is independent and resourceful.

If he’s still living in his parents’ basement, that really should be a warning sign…

… not to mention, put a real crimp on any nightcap action.

And if it turns out that his Mommy picked out his outfit for the date, even more so.

But that rule about ‘getting home before midnight’ should really seal the deal, man.

I dunno, though —
I guess some women are always looking for someone to baby.

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Number Two:text

Mature males have experience…

… and that experience should translate into knowing what to do,

— and not to do, to make a date successful.

There are standards, ya know.

For instance,

no mature male would consider asking a first date to spend her evening on a torn up old couch eating cold pizza and watching him play video games….

highscoreSure, a kid could be close to beating the high score and getting all kinds of cool advanced-level stuff like special access to the ‘fire world’, upgraded Zorbs, or double-secret-interdimensional-world-destroying-laser weapons….

… that might seem all important to him,
but I’d bet the average MILF wouldn’t it find it all that endearing of a goal set.

Personally,
I could find much better things to do on an old couch,
…… and then, not on a first date.shalli

Even if stuff really was moving that fast,

… every mature man knows that clean sheets are a minimum requirement for any date worth dating.

And I simply must eat first.

We all know that eating out is a good way to gauge someone’s personality and taste,

— and so we mature fellers are careful picking the right place, with the right atmosphere.

Sure, choosing a restaurant can be tricky–

But it goes without saying that the drive-up window at Jack-In-The-Box isn’t a good choice,

— no matter how good their ‘seasoned curly fries’ are.erect

And a man should be able to recognize that inviting his Mom along on the first date–

…. regardless of how long it has been since she’s been out of the house,

is also gonna be a really bad idea.

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Number Three:

Having something intelligent to talk about on your date would probably help ease the tension, and help you get to know each other better.

dimplesBut, how a grown woman would carry on a conversation with a young man today,

— using the currently popular system of
acronyms,
gutter slang,
and emoticons,
I have no idea….

And while she’s at it,
she’d better make sure her cell phone is fully charged, too….

Chances are good,
she’ll spend more time texting him than talking to him.

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Number Four:

The one thing I always notice women list as an advantage when dating younger men is their ‘enthusiasm’.

While I myself think enthusiasm in women is a wonderful thing,

— in men,panin
I see it more in terms of a natural phenonema —

You can choose the unpredictability and volatility of a ‘Krakatoa’ eruption–

(Mother Nature’s version
of
wham, bam, thank you ma’am” ) —

— or the dependability and crowd pleasing satisfaction of an ‘Old Faithful’.

(Hey,
— millions of visitors to Yellowstone can’t be wrong. )

A mature man isn’t going to wet himself (or others) rise
on the first slow dance,

or at the first sight of the curvature and musculature of a semi-naked woman,

—— no matter how hot and sexy she is.

On the other hand,

he knows how to moderate his consumption and conduct,

… so that when it is time to gird his loins for battle,
his weaponry is clean, locked and loaded.

And pretty well concealed, too — mostly.

As a matter of fact,

at zero hour,

a woman can always count on a mature man to spend an inordinate time on foreplay —

——– it’s as much for his own ‘benefit’ as it is for hers.lad

(Ladies,
don’t tell anybody that I let you in on that, please… )

Failing that,
for whatever reason,

An older man will always find it easier to get his Doctor to write a scrip for them little blue pills thingees,

— if such a thing should ever become necessary —

One never knows how the street acquired stuff will affect ones’ ability to rise to the occasion, ya know.

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Number Five:3

You’ll never have to worry about a mature man
caring what
his parents,
friends,
coworkers,
schoolmates think of you.

The only peer pressure that he’s worried about is the office gossip getting around
about that time at Mardi Gras in the late 1970’s.

.

HOY!

bugs

Why Mature Women Make Better Lovers

mr naturalThere was a cute young thing staring at me in the gym today.

I’m pretty sure she was counting my wrinkles.

Either that, or I reminded her of her Grandfather.

I admit it….

I am feeling a bit tattered….

… thread-bare,

… tumble-down,

… well… OK, I hate to say it, but dammit—- OLD.

My buddy John noticed the girl staring, and mentioned it to me….

I laughed and told him that even if by some completely demented twist of reality she was interested in a geeze like me, that it was a moot point.

Young women are the same as anti-hermitian matrix-linear algebraic equations to me–

I don’t understand ’em,
and what’s more,
…. I couldn’t figure out how to derive a satisfactory solution with ’em even if I did.

The technology has changed so much, ya know?

Well, some of it, anyway.

And I hate that whole dirty old man trip, even if I am not really all that old.

Am I?

Nuts.

Alright… I’ll admit they’re lovely to look at.

But most everybody who’s been around for a while knows that mature women make better lovers.

And for you unbelievers out there, I’m gonna try to explain my thesis on this.

So…

Today’s fascinating TOP 13 are:
Reasons why mature women make better lovers!
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1: Because they rarely utter ” EEWWW- GROSS! ” at an inopportune time.

gag

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2: They usually can find subjects to discuss that have NOTHING to do with “Glee”, “X-Factor”, or “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”

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3: It’s sexier (and more civilized) to have a mature woman on a bed in lingerie than a young girl in a VW with her jeans around her knees.

vw

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4: They never ask “What’s taking so long?” during foreplay.

yawn

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5: They never order lobster, then send it back because it smells “FISHY”.

lobster

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6: If you’re into something, they’ll try to GET INTO IT too!

woman

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7: Any tramp stamps and bad tattoos featuring butterflies or unicorns have been long since covered up or removed.

trampstamp

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8: They never take an erection for granted, and never call a man’s unit any of these (to his face) : cute, short, fat, stubby, or too long.

boner

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9: They never giggle in bed.

coldfeet

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10: They never assume they’ll have to fake an orgasm.
(which means of course, you’d better deliver!)

church

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11: No matter how awnrey their man is, she’ll always find some way to relate to him.

aaa

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12: An older woman’s expectations are more suited to real world situations.
— They don’t expect a knight in shining armor,

when all that’s called for is a guy who knows how to change a tire.

a1a

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13: It’s a good trade off — ‘enthusiastic’ for ‘perky’ !

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OK; now for the flip side…
(just for the sake of fair play, you understand….
……. HEY – I’m on YOUR side- ladies….)
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The Top FOUR REASONS why 30+ women aren’t necessarily better…

1: You gotta be careful how you TALK to them.

nut

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2: If you DO piss em off, they can be kinda hard to handle.

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3: As hot as they may look in lingerie, unless you treat em like GOLD, you’re never gonna see it.
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c
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4: A lot of them expect you to give THEM priority over your motorcycle.

aa

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

Finally, here’s some of my other readers opinions on:
Why Mature Women Make Better Lovers :

” Older women aren’t nearly as impressed by WHAT you drive, as that it runs and you know how to fix it. ”  

” An older woman has lots of girlfriends …
….. and most of them will want to screw you too.

Older women know how to cook.
Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out.

” An older woman will never get pregnant, then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know. ”

” An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, “What are you thinking?” An older woman doesn’t really care what you think. “

” Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don’t wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a striptease.”

” Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a guy just can’t get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact. “

And one more of mine ———-

An older woman will never accuse you of using her.
She’s using you.

And remember:
STAY AWAY FROM HER LINGERIE DRAWER!

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