Emerson says:

emerson“It is not the length of life,
but the depth.”


Rock and Roll Shock

jackIf you’ve been listening to classic Rock and Roll for more than a week,

I’m sure you probably have noticed the propensity of songwriters to have taken certain liberties in their lyrics……

You know….
like when Marty Balin snuck this little gem into the Jefferson Starship’s “Miracles”:

” I had a taste of the real world
(Didn’t waste a drop of it)
When I went down on you, girl. “

This lyric, had it been noticed by the record company ahead of it’s release, would have surely been modified–

aI remember those days of the late 1960’s and early 1970’s-

( of course, I was a mere child,
….. and a wonderfully handsome and well behaved one at that )

Most people today think it was a wide open society at the height of a sexual revolution,

But the truth is, this was still a very tight-assed era —

Ed Sullivan almost wet himself when Jim Morrison used the original lyric from “Light My Fire” — “Girl, we couldn’t get much higher” on his TV show……

bSupposedly, the lyric had to do with getting high, and not about the heights that love could take you — and the show’s producers told the band they’d have to change it.

The band agreed to change it for the program, to:
Girl, we couldn’t get much better” — ( I know, insipid, right?)

but Jim being Jim, well….

…….when he was told he’d never, ever, ever get to be on the Ed Sullivan show again, Jim replied that “Hey man, we just DID the Ed Sullivan Show“.

It did cause quite a stir, and most of the mainstream media wasn’t amused.

cThat same show forced the Rolling Stones to change their lyric
( which was also the TITLE of the song ) from:
Let’s Spend The Night Together” to “Let’s Spend Some Time Together“.

— yeah, not really the same thing there, is it?

Mick sang it the way they wanted it, although he was rolling his eyes the entire time…

dI’ve never been able to decide whether he gets any brownie points for that, but you can’t blame the guy, I guess, for protecting himself from the moral-mob.

Maybe that explains why the guy is still around, I dunno.

After numerous complaints, the FBI spent a good deal of money and special agent man-hours in the 1960’s investigating whether the Kingsmen’s “Louie Louie” contained any illegal, immoral, or perfidious messages in the otherwise unintelligible lyrics of that song.

eIn the end, they couldn’t make heads or tails of it, any more than you or I can.

And Chuck Berry’s “My Ding A Ling” was banned by over 90% of U.S. rock and roll radio stations of the day, not because Berry was black, but because the song seemed to be about masturbation… ( which of course, it was).

So most people would have reacted negatively to an obvious cunnilingus reference in a popular song, even some of those who thought of themselves as hip.

fNot me …. although I will admit that it’s tacky- that part about ‘didn’t waste a drop’.

It is buried deep — you really got to listen for it, but once you hear it, you always will.

And I figure, no harm, no foul — if it did any good opening people’s minds up to something as groovy and erotic as oral, well, I’m in, man.

( It always surprises me how many people STILL are shocked by it.

So I got no problem with putting stuff into a song —- or hiding it somewhere the censors won’t notice it.

gAnd it’s a good thing, too– cause the truth is, it’s done all the time.

Take the song “Pearl Necklace” by ZZ Top:

….. the part about her being a “kinky girl” wanting the “… kinda jewelry she’s talkin’ bout really don’t cost that much”

Now, I’m not gonna hit this too hard,
………… but Billy Gibbons isn’t talking about giving his girlfriend jewelry.

aMore of a temporary decoration.

Peractio Sumptuosus.

Not being into this particular kink myself,
…… and because I’m way too classy a guy to explain this concept,
(without losing half my readers …),
will leave it to the Urban Dictionary

Just click the link above, and you’ll be transported to a world of revelation and wonder.

Or somethin’.

I had no idea there were so varieties, lemme just say that.


I mighta shocked you already, so I’ll back off a bit here with this next one.

Remember Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Gimme Back My Bullets“?

It ain’t about loading shot guns.

Sorry, Bubba.

Actually, it was an attempt on the part of Gary Rossington to complain about the nature of the music business — a ‘bullet’ was an element of the Billboard Top 100 hits, which indicated that a song was rising in the charts — and was likely to continue.c

If they took your bullet, it meant that the song was no longer ‘rising’ in popularity, and it’s time as a ‘hit song’ was now very limited.


You can also do the double entendre thing in reverse.

The Who’s “Squeeze Box” for instance….

” Mama’s got a squeeze box , she wears on her chest,
when Daddy comes home, he never gets no rest

Sounds dirty, right?

dPeter Townsend says they wrote it to shock people, but all it really talks about is a woman who liked to play her accordion.


Hey, man — it can be dirty if I want it to be.


Here’s a couple of double-triple-quadruple entendre song with lyrics that are hard to ignore when talking about this subject.e

The Door’s cover of Howlin Wolf’s “Back Door Man” —

Hey all you people tryin’ to sleep
I’m out to make it with my midnight dream
Because I’m a back door man
The men don’t know
But the little girls understand

and Eric Burdon and the Animals’ “Spill The Wine” :

f” I stood high upon a mountain top,
naked to the world

In front of every kind of girl
There was long ones, tall ones, short ones
Brown ones, black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones
Out of the middle, came a lady
She whispered in my ear something crazy, she said

Spill the wine and take that pearl

Cum on…. do I really have to explain these ?


Oxy Morons

oxymoronDon’t you hate when people use words without really thinking about them first?

I mean, some combinations of words just don’t make ANY sense..

….. no matter HOW you use them.

Once you put them together, they cancel each other out.

They are, for all practical purposes, meaningless-

…. contradictions in terms ……….

waterA phrase like “Casual Sex”, for instance —

There’s nothing casual about:

Taking your clothes off in front of a perfect stranger,

Sharing bodily fluids ranging from:
spit and ear wax to …… well…

Cuddlin’, kissin’, grabbin’,
rubbin’, groanin’, pinchin’,
moanin’, lickin’

condimentand then,

Stickin‘ a very sensitive part of your body into another person’s different but still very sensitive part of theirs —

Even the whole ‘eyes meeting during orgasm’ thing —

— nope , not casual by any stretch of the imagination.

It reminds me of an Amy Winehouse lyric —

” It’s something
I know you can’t do,
separate sex with emotion,
But I sleep alone
the sun comes up,
& you’re still clinging to that notion “closed

I admit that it seems like everything
reminds me of an Amy Winehouse lyric these days, though.

Boy, I miss her.
But, I digress.

Even the old reliable:
quickie in front of the 7-11 in exchange for a slurpie and some smokes
…. doesn’t really qualify as casual .

Or the expression ‘Sexless Marriage’ —– HUH?

Are you fuckin’ kidding me, man ?


We call these kinds of phrases ‘OXYMORONS’ .

( no…. not THIS GUY….

but, ooooh,

did I HATE that guy’s commercials…..)


Think about it…….

duckJust what the hell is a “Crash Landing”?

It’s either a CRASH, or it’s a LANDING…..

and in most cases,
… there’s no LANDING about it.

And, there’s a lot of phrases like that in common parlance……

Elementary Calculus

Unbiased Opinion

Social Security

Literal Interpretationno-smoking-ashtray

Veggie Burger

Applied Chaos

Exact Estimate

Mud Bath

Steel Wool

Near Missstopgo

Buffalo Wings

Suicide Victim

Mandatory Option

In-School Suspension

Situational Ethics

Jumbo Shrimpger

Rush Hour

Smart Bomb

First Annual

Rolling Stop

Clearly Misunderstood

Reagan Memoirspro

Light Beer

Random Logic

One Size Fits All

Veiled Threat

Paid Volunteer

Good Grief

Non-stop Ticketspendthrift

Pretty Ugly

Free with Purchase

Elevated Subway

Double Solitaire

Definite Maybe

Professional Ethics

Exact Oppositea

Corporate Culture

Camping Resort

Military Intelligence

Baked Alaska

Authentic Reproduction

Classic Disco

Aging Yuppie

Refrigerator Freezer

Cold as Hell

Accordion Music

Completely Unfinishedaa

Advanced Beginner

Conditionally PreApproved

Almost Certain

Airline Food

Deafening Silence


I’m sure I got at least one more

…… oh yeah….

” Geraldo bringing you the NEWS? ”




Weird Scenes From Inside The Mailbag

safetyI have some very interesting and eclectic friends.

Sometimes , though —

I think they like to torture me into submission.

Oh wait–

I meant to say–

— they like to torture me WITH submissions.


When I get one of these very strange cards they send me,

especially when it has one of those completely outdated catch phrases–

I invariably say:

and then spend inordinate amounts of time researching just what it was originally supposed to mean.

This one’s from Sandy’s got something to do with:

“23 Skidoo” and LEMONS.

But turn it over,
if you want.

Weird, man. elk


I have been so busy at work lately,

that I haven’t really had the time to do the legwork on some of them.

So, this is where our readers come in :

I want you to look at these cards,

and see if you can glean the meaning of one or two of them for me,

and drop me a line or comment telling me –

so I can pass it along.

Don’t worry —

I’ll give you the credit,
or the blame —

—- whatever the case may be.mooseheart

Hey, if you don’t wanna admit you read this thing,

I can’t hold that against ya, either.

We’ll use a nom de plume if you wish.

Or nom de guerre.

A ‘nom’ something or other.

But I warn you–

A couple of those are going to be challenging.

Mooseheart ???????

The meanings do seem pretty convoluted and obscured by time —

flatironAlthough each has some kind of clue that will probably help to de-mystify it.

Like this one:

In this case,

the Flat Iron Building in New York seems to be an important clue to interpreting what the card means.

But what it’s got to do with skirts,


I got no idea.

That’s a nice trolley, though.

Bubblepuppies had a guess on this card:
Could “flat iron” also be a reference to a golf club? Maybe the postcard designer couldn’t get away with saying “use a golf club to lift the ladies’ skirts” outright and had to show the flat iron building instead.


That’s an interesting idea — it certainly fits the skirt thing.
Thanks !!!!


Carolyn had some thoughts on these cards —

#1: That woman is a hugging fool (or a nympho) and the guy is saying “Back off, Woman! I need a 24 hour turn-around!” 😉 😛 I can’t imagine he’d want to quit completely! 😉

#2. Lemons = GOOD! (I know nothing about 23 or 37 Skiddoo…should google that. )

#3. Maybe men who frequent the Elks lodge need a roller-pinning when they get home from the New Year’s Eve bash! 😉

#4. Looks religious! Ha! 😀 or maybe Moose are like Elks and women and children cannot belong. ???

#5. Play on words?! Flat Iron Building…now thinking of ironing with an iron?! I have no idea the connection! But, I like how her skirt is all flared up! 😛


Yes, I think you’re on the right track, C !


This last card is from Blog It or Lose It:


it’s from 1907,
and done by the great Walter Wellman.

But, now,
just exactly would somebody mailing this card be saying?


Surely it ain’t really a ransom note, is it ????



What Color is Your Rose?

doI never was someone who enjoyed the art of conversation all that much.

— for me, writing is better.

Writing gives you time to think-
time to compose —
time to edit.

Face to face conversation is more of extempore kinda thing —
…. and I’m just not all that glib.

when there’s something really important to say–

I’m sorry“,
I love you“,
Yes, there’s a reason that kid looks like me“,
I miss you“,
“I’m sorry I ignored the safe-word last night“,
I lust you“,
I hated the guy, but I’m sorry your Daddy is dead“,
……….. or just a simple
I fucked up bigtime” ——

Well, in those times, I admit it — I’ll often let flowers do my talking.

Not just flowers, mind you — Roses .

And while it took me many years to learn it, there certainly is a symbolism to roses that is pretty important for us men to understand.

Giving roses is a subtle art —

— and like any art,
you have to learn the basics before you can pull off a masterpiece —

…. such as:

Explaining to whomever it may concern the presence of two sets of women’s panties under your bed–
sizes 4 in pink, and 9 in black, respectively….

Or informing your favorite feminine type person that you bought that vintage 1949 Vincent Black Shadow “C type” Motorcycle, despite her objections.

Or before telling her the real reason you booked the “party suite” at the Bellagio next weekend.

Ahem, well…..
if you’re a man over 30, I’m sure you can come up with plenty of appropriate occasions of your own.

I’m absolutely sure of it.

It ain’t easy staying out of trouble …
…. and life kinda sucks when you do manage it.

So, you have to have a plan, man.

Roses will work wonders, if you understand what they mean to a woman sensitive enough to appreciate their nuances.

I’m talking “Get Out Of Jail Free” card here, man.


Let’s talk about the most common colors and their uses.


RED: red

Deep red roses can be very problematic, unless you’re trying to impress her enough to marry her.

They represent romantic love, emotional sensuality, and ardent concupiscence.

( …. awwwwww—- look it up, Hemingway. )

When you give deep red roses casually, they’re probably writing checks for you that you ain’t ready to cash.

This is the .50 caliber handgun of roses — just too much gun for most occasions.

Lighter color reds still send the same messages, just not as passionately.

If you’re still signing your notes with ‘LUV YA’, you’re not ready for these babies.

In that case, you’ll probably want:


YELLOW: yellow

Yellow roses are commonly called ‘friendship roses’,

and that’s basically what they’re saying.

Hey– you’re pretty cool —

I like hanging around your apartment, eating your food, playing with your dog, even sleeping in your bed, just as long as stuff don’t get really serious all of a sudden and you start thinking I’m gonna give up my other girl friends, my PlayStation, and my own apartment .”

Yeah… like that.

The rules are off, however, if you’re in Texas.

Ya see, there was this song ” Yellow Rose of Texas”, which kinda complicates things down there.

Getting a yellow rose down there can mean anything from “YEEEEEE-HAWWWW” to “Congratulations, We’re Pregnant“.

And by ‘we‘, she means ‘her‘, by ‘you‘.

So, congratulations.


Here’s a coupon for the next time you get the itch.

Now, be nice, and send her some :


PINK: pink

Pink roses express gratitude… they’re the classic “Thank You” rose.

They certainly be used in a romantic way, especially after a particularly spectacular evening —

(….careful you don’t make the same mistakes as last time…. )

I appreciate you ” ,
I like that thing you do with your tongue” , and
You know, I could get to like being around you
……… are the most common messages sent by these roses.

… and more so, if you add a light red rose into the mix– but watch it, or you could get a new roommate.

If you’re sending them in response to receiving yellow ones, well, I think you already got at least two moving in.

In which case, you could send:


WHITE: white

White roses in a bunch indicate innocence, purity, reverence and love in the whole Platonic sense of the word.

Or, I guess it could mean,
I was out of town that whole month” ,
I dunno.

One white rose means something different —
……….. it’s the rose a secret admirer sends to his lady love.

The proper response for the lady in question is to either ignore it, or wear it as a corsage to indicate curiosity or potential interest, in the hopes that the secret admirer will reveal himself.

Ok… it does seem a bit old fashioned, I guess.

And most people handle this kinda thing with emails these days,
……….. but what the hell.


LAVENDER or PURPLE :   purple

These roses make ideal roses to give a girl on a first date, or when asking for one.

They can indicate infatuation, but usually nothing serious.

They’re usually more expensive than other roses,

…… and so they can be a way of telling the lady that you’re not just another cheap piker looking for a hand-out, or a hand-in.

Thus, giving lavender roses is a wonderful impression maker,

—– and might get you a date when even your devastatingly charmin’ personality and manly good looks might otherwise fail ya.


CREAM:  cream

Cream colored roses are often the safest rose you can send, when you’re totally banjanxed on what else to send.

They’re kinda the non-committal,
how’s it hangin’ ” off the rose family.

They also include some of the most beautiful and scented varieties.

Whether you want to say:
Hey, I hope you can come to my pool party ” ,
Hey, thanks for letting me know about that whole communicable disease thing you exposed me to “,
………… it’s all pretty much covered by cream colored roses.

You can safely send em to your Aunt Margaret without her thinking you’ve gone completely over to the dark side.

( Well, the roses won’t let her in on it, anyway. )

Of course, what you write on the card might change the whole complexion of your relationship, but that’s on you.

( if you saw MY Aunt Margaret, you’d be thinking harder about this one… )


ORANGE:  orange

Orange roses indicate fascination and inspiration —

… when you send them to a woman,
you are saying:
You are my muse, You inspire me“.

They are particularly good when sending them to an older or more mature woman that you are interested in.

( but, leave my Aunt Margaret outta this, please… )

It’s a way of expressing admiration for a lady –
for her intelligence, talent, personality, sense of humor,

….or maybe for her driving skills—-

when she swerved to avoid hitting you,
as you were riding a bit reckless on your motorcycle through the neighborhood.

Hey, that could happen, you know.

Hopefully, she will take them in the spirit in which they were intended,
—- and NOT send you these in response.


BLACK: black

Black roses usually do not mean a funeral, but that doesn’t mean that you’re off the hook.

Someone who sends you one black rose is saying that maybe you should find another patch of ground upon which to settle, preferably in another galaxy, far, far away.

Basically, it means ” drop dead ” .

Thus, it does make an admirable response to aggressive unwanted advances.

A bunch of them could mean all kinds of things,
from a secret admirer who happens to be a vampire,
to the Róisín Dubh invitation for a Molly Maguires initiation,
…. but again, it’s not usually sent as a happy go-lucky kinda thing.

Just remember:
Anyone who goes to the trouble and expense of finding black roses means business.

So, be sure you leave your next of kin information somewhere they can find it.

And of course, just as roses can communicate a problem,
they can also communicate a potential offering to solve said problem.



You know what they say, roses talk.