You Too Part Two

If you were anywhere near
the Muscleheaded Blog yesterday,
you saw that we used the
old motion picture device
of the ‘hanging end serial’ –

They used it to build suspense,
and insure return attendance
to their theatres..

We used it cause
we’re too lazy to write
that much at one time.

So, there you have it.

And now,
back to our exciting story —
How To Meet And Impress Girls (Part Deux).

Chapter TWO:
“OK, now what?”

Meeting women is easy and fun;
…….but knowing how and
where to meet them
is very important.

aYou can meet them anywhere,
in a house,
or at the fair —

You can meet
them in a store,
at the pool,
or at the shore —

Meet them,
Meet them
you will do —-

Sam You AM will meet them too ….

(No- wait a minute..
…. that’s the wrong book….)

Anyway, as I was saying;

You can meet women
just about anywhere….

Think of all the women you can
meet hanging around the pharmacy
while commenting on their prescriptions–

You can stop them in their tracks with lines like:

“Yeah, I hear that stuff will really beat the yeast!”


“Hey, Look, Jelly Beans!”


meeting girls is all about
being comfortable in your own skin.

So, that might not work for you, either.ascissors


Have you tried jingling all that change you carry around in your pocket?


In your case, I might recommend the ‘shotgun approach’.

smile at every girl who even gets near you —
— and if one smiles back,
just start talking.


Chapter Three: “What Next ?”

What to do next?

melsWell, you must have a PLAN.

For instance, you can offer to take her for a ride in your fancy sports car.

Chicks dig hot wheels, man.

Yes, your car can speak volumes
about who and what you really are,
……… and what you want outta life.



twiggyShow her yer vintage set of “Slowly-Starving-to-Death-Supermodel” trading cards.

Women love for men to make comparisons between their bodies and the bodies of the women who make a living wearing clothes
that are way too small for 98.4 percent of the population.

Showing such careful consideration
for their feelings like that will
show your compassionate, sensitive side.

But I bet you already knew that.



tattTell her you’re the
“Leader of the Pack”.


You’ve gotta have your stuff together , though.

But it ain’t hard.

I see guys do this kinda
thing every day.

Just put your best biker-wanna-bee gear on,

shave your head,

roll up your sleeves to
show off those 14 inch biceps,
and those bad to the bone tats….

………… and then get your motor runnin’.

All kinds of women will be throwing
themselves adoringly in front
of your chopped chort.
( or moped , whatever )



henryDemonstrate yer lovemaking skills on a turkey leg…..

This really gives you a chance to show people how versatile and aggressive you are.

Be sure to stare straight at any on-looking hotties while you’re munching.

But, a warning–

Public slurping on a turkey leg
at events such as Renaissance Fairs
is one of those things that only
advanced students of the
Muscleheaded Course should
ever attempt, however.

The resulting bountiful bevy
of boosted bazongas might
be too much for you, otherwise.



cowboyTell her you’re a COWBOY…….

Yes, if there’s something that every hottie loves, it’s a cowboy.

Dust off your chaps, buy yourself one of them
17 gallon hats, and
you’re stylin.

You might have to
learn to walk differently…

…..with that wide, saddle worn stance
that says your package is almost
too heavy to carry around with ya without help.

or that your hemorrhoids are flaring up again.



aaTell her you’re HULK HOGAN………..

I’m sure it worked for this guy.

You might even show her all the action figures you’ve been storing in that huge warehouse out in Huntington Beach.

I bet there’s plenty of chicks out there fantasizing about a quick fling with the Hulkster, right?

Oh, and don’t pay attention to that guy behind the curtain.

And no, that’s not a video camera.


Well, congratulations, candidate,
you have successfully completed
the Muscleheaded Course
for Meeting and Impressing Girls.

as desperate
( errr… I mean, ANXIOUS)

…. as you might be to proceed
to actually dating somebody,
and become a fully qualified fox hunter —

( gggggrowwwwwll ) ……………


I’m afraid you’re going to have
to wait with bated breath
until the next course….

And heaven knows when that will be .


Until then,

I’ll bid you and yours
(hands, feet, all that stuff)
a fond aaaacccchhhhoooooo.

Damn dusty in here.






You Too Can Meet And Impress Girls

lonelyHi Ya.

Are you a lonely muscle-head whose only chance at sexual
variety is to switch hands?

Are you so lonely that
when you went to give
your last lover a hickey
you ended up with a
mouthful of fur ?

Are you so socially abhorrent
that they let you park in
handicapped spaces ?

Well, yer ole Uncle Nuts
has the prescription for you!

uhYes, you too can be
the love-stud of yer local community!

No more getting
new sex partners
by painting little faces
on the tops of your fist..

No more creative cantaloupe carving…..

No more suppressing moans
while discretely humping the
water jet at the public pool…..

No more waiting in long lines
for change at the ‘mini-movies’ place…..

No more sticking Lil Elvis
into splinter hazards just
for the use of person
or persons unknown –pocket

Yes, now in one
convenient post,
it’s time for the :

Muscleheaded Guide
for Meeting and
Impressing Girls.

Read on,
my love-depraved..
…. I mean,
read on.


Chapter ONE: recognizing you may have a problem.


Answer these questions.

1: Is THIS your idea
of a computer date?


Yes, she’s a computerized robot —

… she cost $60,000
for this geek to build her,
and her name is Aiko.

He dresses her everyday,
and spends every
waking minute with her.

Lucky girl, huh?

Of course, one can’t
even get a Mercedes SLS for that price,

….. so building himself a girl friend
was more cost effective
than bribing one, I guess.

As for sex…
well, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.


2: Is THIS what you would consider to be a HOT date?

While at first glance,

Billy the Party Goat may seem a convenient option to some lonely dudes,

… those with latex allergies or issues with the whole ‘pretend-it’s-not-bestiality-with-a-blowup-male-goat’ thing may preclude a real meeting of the minds here.

As for sex…..
well, ewe.

Get it? Ewe.

you’re gonna need to develop
a sense of humor if you ever
wanna get a REAL date, ya know.


3: Do you think you will EVER have a ‘special’ use for one of THESE?


Oh sure, I know….

The name holds promise,

And women love men
to keep their places
clean and tidy.

However, a high horsepower vacuum with custom made attachments might send an impression that your tastes and expectations might exceed the average girl’s capacities.

( There was this girl in Austin,
but that’s another …
well, never mind )


4: Do you have a set of bedsheets you like to use on ‘certain’ nights ?


I don’t know which thing will turn off a potential love conquest faster…

— the sheets —

— or the tissues in the corner.

And let’s face it….

What you’d like to create
is the impression that you are a go-getter
………. not a bed-wetter.

Just sayin.


5: Have you ever tried to pick up a girl by telling her she’s hotter than LOIS LANE?

Finding a subject with which a man and a woman can both identify with is often a good way to start a conversation, sure.

But, brother,

…. you ain’t exactly Superman,

and it’d be better for all concerned if you didn’t remind her of that fact, s’all.

So, wearing that costume under your clothes (“just in case”) is not only unnecessary,

— but may be the very reason
you’ve been getting so much chaffing lately.


6: Have you ever tried picking up girls in the supermarket by pointing out the more exotic produce ?parsnip

Do you hang around the supermarket droning on and on about the mating habits of the Cornish Game Hen to any girl who happens to be passing by ?

Do you go over to the bakery section and suggestively measure the size of the holes in doughnuts ??

Do you take up a position near the seafood aisle,

…. and point out how oysters
are said to have an aphrodisiacal
quality, and that you’re looking
for test subjects ??


it’s tempting,
I know.

And it sounds like it
should work,
to you,
doesn’t it ???


Don’t DO THAT.

( Anymore. )


Well, if you answered:
to any of these questions,
you’re in REAL trouble, my friend….

You’re gonna need to advance on to Chapter Two.

Which, of course, is tomorrow’s post.
You’re just gonna have to
hold your water (ahem) until then.

!!!! HOY !!!!!




HE Meeting SHE

1 My young gym buddy Kevin has a problem.

He’s in his mid 20’s ,
got a good job,
is cut pretty good…..

….. nice guy,
but painfully shy.

He’s been going into this coffee shop near his house for a coupla months,

— and he’s got a serious crush on this hottie barista that works in there.

When he told me about her,adam
I decided to drop in and check her out,

— just outta curiosity, ya understand.

(hey, man, relax —
— it’s on the way home)

And, yes,
she really is a hottie….

a1….. an intense, intelligent looking girl with
dark eyes,
long black hair,
and a smile that would make a sailor try to shave a tattoo off.

Makes good coffee, too.

I imagine she gets hit on all the time,
as it DID seem like one rich looking gleep was just kinda lingerin’ around her station a lot….

…. the only thing I know about him for sure is he’s got a sore foot…..

-’cause I accidentally-on purpose stepped on one of his gucci-type loafers when he wouldn’t get outta the way…….

back to my buddy.

The next time I saw him at the gym,05
we had a short tactical planning discussion.

I’m not big on snappy pick up lines….

…. and so, I said you gotta just be yerself,
and hope she can tell the difference between a wolf and a german shepherd….

and he agreed with me.

boysmeets( The only other piece of advice that I remember giving,
….. was not to ask her out for coffee. )

So he went and asked her out ,
and took the natural approach.

Unfortunately, she apparently was not as sharp as she looked…

— she blew him off faster than the foam off one of those over-priced high falootin’ designer coffees she frequently prepares.

All kinds of things coulda went wrong, though…winds

… and these days,
it’s tough to know who to trust,
I understand that.

It’s possible she just doesn’t like men…

And besides the obvious possibilities,

she could also be into sheep,
assorted farm implements,
or wolves…
hey, man — who knows.

She could be waiting for Mr. Rockefeller J. Rolex himself to walk in,
— take one swig of her coffee, —
and then sweep her,
both –
off her feet, —-
and out of the working class altogether.motto

Que sera, ser-freakkin-ra.

I hate to see the dude suffer.

I offered to introduce him to Sherrie,
our gym’s cougar-in-residence to help ease the pain…


but he had been already planning a mind deal wedding for him and that caffeiney-jeannie,
— so Sherrie wasn’t gonna scratch where it

( oh yeah… just a little lower and to the left…….. )

( ahem, again…. )

So anyhow, now that I ‘splained all that claptrap,

— I guess you figure I’m gonna come up with a post all about asking a girl out on a date.

Awww…. hell.miss
I’m not all that predictable, am I?

I don’t wanna suggest stuff that you should do,
but what I suggest you should NOT do…..

……………. a field in which,
I’m afraid,
I have much more experience.

And for all our viewers who wish to participate at home,number
we’ll make it a multiple choice.

(Regular readers already know where the right answers are…….

— but I better warn ya,
all of the answers probably have a lower-than-average chance of success…… )

Ain’t we got fun?

let’s begin.


You’re in your favorite local hangout having a beer.
You see a girl who is dressed suspiciously like Daisy Duke….

…. drunker ‘n a skunk and throwing darts.
What should you not do?

A: Tell her she’s got a purty mouth.
B: Buy her another Pabst Blue Ribbon
C: Stand in front of the dart board to catch her eye.
D: Ask her if she wants to know why they call you “Pee Wee”


There’s this girl at work who is always smiling at you in a very innocent way…
she’s married, but she keeps inviting you to her church.

What should you not do?

A: Tell her she’s got a purty mouth.far
B: Smile back courteously, then go find someone not married, or at least- not so church-going.
C: Ask her how many wives they’re allowed in her church.
D: Wear your Hare Krishna robes to work on casual day.


You’re really attracted to a girl you notice at the club solo-dancing enraptured to the beat of “Wetter” by Twista….
you should not:

A: Ask her if you can mix a drink on her butt.
B: Tell her she’s creating a disturbance
C: Yell at the DJ to turn the music down so she can hear you talk to her.
D: Open up the conversation with “Don’t ya just hate this shit?”


You’re at the airport Xray machines,
and you notice a very attractive TSA officer behind the screen.flirting
You should NOT:

A: Smile, be relaxed, friendly, and cooperative.
B: Take all liquids out of your carry on.
C: Tell her there’s no damn way
that she can make you take your shoes off.
D: Even think about doing C.


You’re at the local library,
and Madam Marian Librarian catches your eye.
You wanna check out a book that will impress her.maids
Which one should you NOT choose:

A: “Imitation of Christ” by Thomas a Kempis
B: “How to Make Millions Playing Bingo” by Horace Pleeb.
C: “Green Eggs and Ham” by Dr. Seuss
D: “Sex and the Single Vampire” by Katie MacAlister


You catch a glimpse of your dream girl at the supermarket…
you want to get her
You should not:

A: Follow her around the store loudly talking to yourself about the value of fiber in the diet.
B: Repeatedly run over her foot with your shopping cart.
C: Grab a six pack off the shelf in the beer aisle and offer her a cold one.
D: Offer to pay for her groceries if she’ll cook em for ya.


You’re a good looking 25 year old male,
and you’re on the cardio machine next to Sherrie.
You should NOT:

A: B: C: Forget to wipe down the machine upon your hasty joint exit.
(Remember, if it’s inevitable, lay back and enjoy it.)
D: Tell her you don’t like mature women.
( dumb move, and it won’t work anyway…)


TEICHAt the Doctor’s office, you notice a very nice looking fellow patient.
You should not:

A: Try to look as sick and pitiful as possible
B: Try to look important and get the nurse to address you with an honorific like “Professor” or “Colonel”
C: Ask her what disease she’s “in for”.
D: Tell her you’ll be happy to examine her so she won’t have to wait for the Doctor.


A guy you knew from “the old days” wants to hook you up with his sister. . pearlharbor
You know this is a bad idea…
if there’s anything to genetics at all.
How do you get out of it?

A: Compliment her on her mustache
B: Tell her you will need her complete medical history first
C: Tell her the story about her bro and the transvestites in that bar in San Diego.
D: Tell her you were one of the transvestites in San Diego.


You finally ask out the cutieplay
you’ve been overtipping for months at the smoothie shop,
— and she turns you down in a rude and nasty manner.
What will NOT help you get over her?

A: Asking her if she’s got a sister
B: A drink at the local watering hole and maybe some darts with Daisy Duke
C: A length of rope and some duct tape
D: Increasing the tip


If this quiz didn’t help ya get a date,
all I can say is that I’m shocked.




Might I suggest that you just go somewhere dressed real nice and looking ‘accessible’?

That might just work.

Uh…. yeah.