Ooops I Did It Again

HumiliationYou know,
your mother tried
to warn you about it
a long time ago.

Remember?

She told you…
always wear clean underwear

….. cause you never know
when you’re gonna get
in an accident.

She wanted to save you
from the bane of all mankind –car

HUMILIATION.

The forcible, unexpected,
and totally embarrassing
humbling of a human being:

……. from a proud, strong,
potent individual ——

to a grovelling, quivering bowl
of jello looking for a place to
hide his shame.

And, even assuming
you do wear clean
underwear,

(… which would
be very nice,
thank you ….)

there are gonna be times
when humilation is gonna
happen to you,

whether you could do
anything to avoid it or not.

Don’t get me wrong, here.

I’m not saying humiliation
doesn’t serve a potentially
useful function for society.

There are people who need
one heapin’ helpin’ bleach
of humility on a
continual basis.

Unfortunately, it never seems
to happen to them.

Instead, it always seems to
happen to nice guys like
you and me.

But maybe it’ll help to
talk about it, huh?
google
Yeah..
that’s me…
Mister Helpful.

Let’s say you’re on a first date
with this new cutie you met
at the Quickie Lube.

It’s a poshy restaurant,
where Garçon knows
your name and even
what you drink.

(Wild Turkey
on the rocks)gramps

You figure
that’ll go a long way
to impress her.

Conversation flowing nicely.

She likes dogs,
you like dogs.

She likes movies,
you like movies.

She likes lobster,
you order it for her.

It’s going swimmingly,
until you off handedly
remark that Betty Freidan
was no better of a writer
than she looked.ironcity

And now,
you’re wearing that
expensive 1997 M. Chapoutier
La Mordorée Côte-Rôtie….

— it’s dripping from every
facial orifice…
and your pocket feminist has stormed out.

What do you do?

Sure, you could blush
redder than cheap Sangria,
mop your face immediately,
and beat feet outta there, too.

But, you got your pride.james

Hey, buddy-
she just threw $300 bucks
of grape juice in yer face,
you know?

Not to mention you
haven’t touched your
Wild Turkey.

Or—
you could let it drip,
smile, wave at the sommelier-
and tell him in a calm,
modulated voice- that:

“although she didnt
like the wine,
I think it’s wonderful, please
bring me another of the same –
and MORE TURKEY.

Now you can daub,
very calmly, very carefully.

Just like James Bond.

Shaken, but not stirred.

You are cool, man.lol

You gotta stay cool..
you gotta keep your
cockyness.

A lot of people find
having a colonoscopy
humilating…

so much so, they get
put to sleep while
they endure it.

Not me.moth

I tell the Doctor I want to
compare the experience
with the time I was picked
up by aliens.

You gotta stay loose.

It doesnt matter what
the source of the humiliation —

— If your dental plate comes
out while you are arguing with
some creeps in a bar, start yelling:
“I’LL GUM YA BASTARDS!!!”

If the rolled up sock comes
outta your shorts while
you’re on the leg press –
(we all know what it’s
doing there, don’t we?) –

— smile, pick it up and
put it back.

After all, you weren’t fooling
anybody, anyway, pal.

If you run into an old girlfriend
on a busy street while strolling
with your new prospective hottie,

and she loudly reminds you
of all the weight you’ve gained
since she last saw ya —-

You can joke that the best weight
you lost was that 130 pounds of HER.

Caught wearing shortsstiffy
during a sudden snowstorm?

A mere bag o shells, my friend.

Look at everybody
and smirk like they’re
wimps for shiverin in their coats.

Bad haircut?

Oh hell…
why suffer needlessly?
Buy a hat.

Clap or laugh
at the wrong time?

Keep it up until everybody wtf
else figures they should
be, too.

That girl in the bar tell ya
that you remind her of
her dear departed ole
Grandpop?

Ask her if he was
as good in bed as you are.

Lose your bathing suit at
Waikiki Beach in high waves?emb

I mean, you cant stay
out there all day….
and there’s not enough
sea weed for a makeshift
hula skirt.

Do I what I did.

Wave surf in
on your tummy,
and then run like hell
for your towel.

Oh,
and don’t forget to smile.

!!! HOY !!!

11

If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

OFFICAL NOTICE
to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity 
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

So,baloney
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

Hey-
buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.

 

lildevil

My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.

LOVE ?

You can call it love, sure.
fools
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

(ok–
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )

Seriously…..

Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzzzzzzz………..
bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..

SO-

6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?

Mmmm….

…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….

well, ALL THE BETTER!

frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

asmWell.
maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

Remember,
when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
tts
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

Seriously,
you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!

PS…

Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.

a1