Hair Raisin’

a11Man,
I’m losing my mind,
I think,
with all these
wild hairs
growing ape shit
all over .

Ok…
Wait…

Take a breath
and calm down.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Better ?
Now,
tell your story, man.begin

Well, you see
it’s like this……

As much as I hate
to admit it,
I’m getting older.

And as I’ve gotten older,
that beautiful mane
of chestnut brown hair
that I was always so proud
of has gone the color of
an almond tree blossom

— and worse yet,
it’s all starting
to thin out.

Now, you’d think
Mother Nature
in her infinite wisdom
would come to the rescue
with some fill-in hair.

And she did, sorta–

If you wanna call
it hair, that is —

It’s more like it fell
out of a wire brush .

You practically gotta trim it
with a weed cutter.

She’s been puttin’
this patchy, scraggley stuff
just about everywhere
I don’t need or want it.

What got me started
on this slightly distasteful
and probably ill-advised
topic, you may ask?

Well,a2
I was sitting in my bedroom
just minding my own business,
— with a mirror and
a big honkin pair of
needle nosed pliers–
for pulling out about
700 hideously unmanageable nose hairs…..

( ’cause nothing gets people
staring like a wild hair
that keeps creeping out
of your nose wheneverb
you move your face….. )

when this beautiful
and incredibly sexy lady
happens to saunter on by,
and remind me of the
special hi-tech motorized
nose hair trimmer
that she bought me
for Christmas.curly

Me, not one to argue
with a woman with such
outstanding nipples
like hers….
I tried it out.

No soup, man.

It didn’t do nothingscalped
but vibrate my uvula.

Which was kinda
giving me other ideas,
but that’s another post.

Anyhoo —
the hair was so stubborn
that the battery operated
blades would just move ’em around.

Sorta like a
Trichological
Tilt-O-Whirl.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So,
back to theunderhat
needle nose pilers,
I went.

The aforementioned lady
and the nipples adorning her
stormed off in sorta a huff —

But I coulda told her
that contraption was gonna
be no match for middlekreml
aged man nose hair.

And what’s with this hair
growing on my shoulder????????

Why the hell does
Mother Nature
think I need hairy
shoulders?

Did you ever try to reach fitch
your shoulder blades with a razor?

Maybe if you’re
a contortionist you can do it —
otherwise, you just walk around
looking like a guy
with hair growing on his shoulders.

Yuk, man.

Another place that
Nature finds irresistible
to plant unwanted new hairs now
is the outside of my ears.1946

And let me tell you —
Shaving your ears
is a blood-fest
waiting to happen.

Especially when you shave
like I do —

Press as hard as you can,
and hope you get it
all in one sweep.wh

Yeah,
like that’ll happen.

The good thing,
I guess,
is that
all my red towelslucky
stay bright red
no matter how much I wash ’em.

Not to mention the fact
that little drops of
splashed blood
adds a wonderfully lived-in look to any bathroom décor,
ya know.

And when Mama Nature
IS feeling generous enough
to replace the hair on my head,

— it’s so unruly and stringeya1a
it won’t stay down —

it sticks up like
I’m some kinda
demented Sqweezel.

I can’t seem to comb
the stuff down —

I feel like I’d have
to use Elmers Glue !

Hey,
I didn’t sign up
for all this weird aging shit.

!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme my old hair back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOY !!!

tiger


 

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Premature Articulation

legdayI dunno if you can picture this or not…..

I was in the gym yesterday morning to work legs,

…. as I am, on that day of the week and time every week,

for I dunno how many years (decades) now….

And as you may know, this time of year is when all the newbies invade gyms all over the country,

a large number of whom, at least, are motivated on the basis of:

some half-baked cockamamie New Years resolution to lose 177 pounds in a month,

fitnessdeviceor:

to use that oh-so-subtle gift membership from hubby who justified it by saying that all the cardio machines have TV’s,

…… and since you’re only watching soaps all day, anyway….

or:

the idea that somehow a teaspoon of peanut butter and a half an hour on a rowing machine twice a week will cancel out 44 years of neglect and build 20 pounds of new muscle in the 3 weeks before the complete loss of interest fully kicks in ….

3But, I digress.

Anyway, I was loading up my working weight on the leg sled,

….and I had one of my ear buds out, for some unknown reason…..

I hear the voice of a 20-something newbie behind me say:

Hey — look at POP over there loading up all that weight ” …

Now, if you’re a regular reader, you already know how I woulda normally reacted.

Let’s not go into that… judges aren’t cheap, ya know.

But , this is the new, streamlined, ultra-cool, less-bad-tempered, less-bad-mouthed, less-sucker-punch-the-dummy-in-the-solar-plexus me.

I turn around and simply give him a look that woulda re-soured buttermilk–

then, jumped on the implement, and pressed out 15 full range reps at 1350 pounds each.

Five sets altogether, multiplied by fifteen, multiplied by 1350.

You can do the math, but it’s a good start to leg day.

I turn back around, and the punk and his friend have suddenly taken the bullet train to invisible ……. they are nowhere to be seen.

This, my friends, is an example of what I like to call Premature Articulation

And it can be a real tragedy for those who suffer from it.

It’s symptoms include:

An irritating tendency to shoot your mouth off when you have no idea what you’re talking about….

A dangerous habit of calling a certain middle aged weightlifter who is stronger than four of you, and already has adjustment problems with the whole fucking concept of getting older, “POP”……

An obvious lack of any muscle mass….

And a flabby, completely out-of-condition body that is inexcusable for a man of around 22.

If you suffer from this sad and very serious condition, there are several things you can do about it.

You know, like dieting and exercise.

OH, and like shutting up and staying away from that guy in the future.

……… ‘Cause I’m not that sure he really has changed all that much.

HOY!

me

The Androcentric News

jcleyendeckerI wanted to add a new feature to my blog called :
“Androcentric News”

……… news concerning sex, men’s health, muscle, libido, etc….

you know —  man stuff .

But I then remembered how many of the lovelier and smarter persuasion read my blog….

( don’t ask me why… )

So, in the interest of fair play and equal time, here’s 10 jokes that women make about men.

Ladies, feel free to use ’em against us anytime you feel the need !!

1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it’s never used.

2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already
there.

4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same
time,who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.

5. How are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word either one of them says and they both
last about 60 seconds.

6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a
bikini.

7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

8. What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

10. What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

11. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What they think they don’t know.

(oh… a lot of us can’t count, either………… ) 😀

And now that we got the whole ‘equal time’ thing outta the way-

Here’s this month’s edition of the Androcentric News 1923

A recent survey of 20,000 women revealed the TOP TEN FEMALE SEXUAL FANTASIES…

( I thought you fellas might be interested in this inside information….. )

1: Fantasizing About Acts with Current Partner

2: Sex with a Man Other Than Your Partner (usually a past lover)

3: Sex with Another Woman

4: Something They’ve Never Tried Before

5: Receiving Oral Sex
(hey guys… – ya never heard of ‘give and ya shall receive’??)

6: Fantasies Involving Romantic Sex

7: Sexual Ravaging (Careful here, fellas….. )

8: Being Found Irresistible by a Man

9: Working as a Prostitute or Stripper

10: Sex with a Stranger

11: Wild Nite o’ Sex and Passion with that handsome and sexy Muscleheaded guy

ok……. I admit it…
I still can’t count…. and I made up number 11.
(……….or was it number 10?)

racinghmmmm……….

here’s a shirt recently seen at Charlotte Motor Speedway…..

I gotta say, as a guy who did some dirt track racing,

I’m not convinced.

Ahem.

Now ,a

onto some news items about a subject dear to most men’s hearts..

There are mounting reports that the popular anti-impotence drugs like Viagra can cause sudden, but temporary, deafness – usually in one ear.

The FDA found at least 25 cases of this, and has ordered manufacturers of the drugs to add a warning to their already growing lists of side effects……

……. Hey – that extra bloods’ gotta come from somewhere, I guess……

and when you got a 4 hour hard-on, you ain’t doing much listening anyway………

(that’s another potential side effect…..
……although, THAT one doesn’t sound all that bad……. )

Take it from yer Ole Uncle Nuts –

drop some weight, get some exercise, and watch your diet….

and you might not need any help from the pharmaceutical companies…..

…. your lady might even WANT to jump on ya once in a while……

Weirder things have happened.

jclcleoBefore we write off Viagra entirely, though….

Researchers at the University of Wisconsin have found evidence that it increases the availability of the orgasm hormone oxytocin –

promoting more and stronger orgasms in women…..

a current study in the Bahamas has indicated the same, as well as an increase of orgasms among previously non-orgasmic females……….

more study should be very interesting ….

… remember — MORE orgasms in THEM, means MORE orgasms for YOU. Get it?

I just wanna know where I was when they were picking male subjects to assist in the experiments???

Damn – always a day late and a dollar short.

arrowAustralian researchers have added more evidence to the mountain of science supporting the importance of free testosterone levels to mental function in older men –

In October 2012’s report of Clinical Endocrinology, a study examined 3,000 men – 70 to 89, and found that lower free T-Levels were a predictor of depression, coronary disease, and mental decline.

Those with low T were apparently not rocking the nursing homes with their libido, either….

T-Levels are a direct determining factor in older male libido.

Bottom line: If you’re over 50, get your T-levels checked- or get ready to check OUT.

leyendeckerWhile we’re on the subject of Testosterone,

…. a Japanese study on ED patients supplementing T and Sildenafil has made remarkable progress in treating them…..

We all know how important test is to hard-ons…

And the combination was apparently effective in treating over 50% of the studied ED patients over 40.

Interesting results —

and I imagine there are many guys who would find the combination useful.

Protein Supplementation:  a1
HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?

The ISSN’s recent study released these conclusions about the relationship of protein supplementation to muscle and strength gains:

People who exercise require more protein than those who don’t.

Active people should get at least 1.5 g per kg body weight per day.

Protein supplementation along with a healthy diet does not impair kidney function.

Consuming protein before and after exercise promotes recovery, boost immunity, and increases lean body mass and strength.

Branched Chain Amino Acids aid recovery and strength.

(Who needed the ISSN to tell you this… you knew it all ready, didn’t ya??? )

a2Egyptian researchers have found that increased lead exposure will not put lead in your pencil…..

Lead levels are hazardous not only to your physical health, but to the health of Lil Elvis as well……

…….not to mention DNA damage, coronary problems, lowered brain
function, etc etc etc …….

Lead is the most common heavy metal in our environment –

found most often in ammunition, rust inhibitors, batteries, and in the water supply.

I don’t have a punch line here- just avoid it when you can . aa

Premature ejaculation is a problem for a large segment of the male population –

but once again, exercise has come to the rescue …..

Researchers in India have released a study of 38 premature ejaculators –

They took up Yoga for a period of 12 weeks, and all 38 reported improvement in their PE problems…..

( I frankly can’t think of any other reason a man would take up Yoga, but… )

Of course, there is a large psychological component that must be considered, but I’d say a 100% improvement is still an uplifting result.

aaaHere’s some bad new for those who supplement with ZMA to boost test levels……

The German Research Center for Elite Sports has no found evidence that ZMA has any influence on T-levels….. this after a three year study.

While the old stand-bys like Long Jack and Tribulus are still available, there are also food based strategies that have had success…..

Cabbage, for instance – contains indole-3-carbinol, a natural T-booster..
so do Brussels Sprouts along with diindolin…(1-AD).

Lean meats, legumes and whey protein also can help.

And remember- stress, inactivity and smoking can all lead to low T levels….

….. so if you wanna keep the yang up, You Gotta Take Care Of Yourself!!!!

OH…..

and for you sharp-eyed folks who’ve been kinda curious about these wonderful vintage artworks that have been so beautifully illustrating this otherwise very slovenly blog…….

The artist was none other than J.C. Leyendecker.

No one could draw the essence of masculinity better —

…. and his depictions of the special connection between men and women are certainly appropriate considering how close we are to Valentines Day.

I hope you enjoyed them.

HOY !!!!!!

aaaa