It’s that time again….
… time to leave the pleasant confines of our protected blog-ality,
and travel to
that bastion of weirdos and weird-ness
— the real world .
But ya gotta get outta bed sometime, anyway…
… it’s Christmas,
for crying out loud.
Those damn rugrats of yours
are gonna tear up the house
screaming for their presents,
….. or starting eating those poisonous poinsettia thingees otherwise.
We have some weird crime news from Christmases past for you today…………
but before we get on with the festivities…..
The person, persons, and alien freakazoids mentioned in this post are, as always, presumed innocent until proven that “it’s a fair cop” in a court o law.
Any inference that these charming folks actually participated in the listed activities comes directly from the police reports or actual news items on the wire.
I couldn’t make up shit this weird.
If you happen to know any of these nutcases–
…….. and I mean that in the nicest possible way–
Please remember that we’re not laughing at them.
We’re making fun of them .
And remember this:
They might let you in,
but they’ll never let you win.
Sheboygan County, Wisconsin:
A woman who was standing out front of her house singing Christmas carols,
…. while her husband was inside bleeding was charged December 8th, 2011 with biting his tongue off.
Yes, this is her actual mug shot.
Manic, aren’t we?
Karen Lueders, 57, threw a cup of coffee at officers after they asked her to stop singing, and tell them what happened….
They found her husband Willard Lueders in the bathroom holding a towel to what remained of his tongue — she had bit it off while they were kissing.
Hubby also said she grabbed his genitals,
but he wasn’t complaining about that.
I’m just wondering what Christmas Carol it was she was singing…..
“Bleedin Around the Christmas Tree”
“Whose Tongue is This”
“Away in the Hospital”
“Police Navidad “
“I saw Mommy assaulting Santa Claus ”
“Do You Hear What I Hear? (the sirens song)”
………….. or was it “Silent Night” ????
Look at her mugshot again…
…….and tell me SHE don’t look as crazy as a waltzing Palmetto bug.
Also that week, in that same Wisconsin county —
( is it something in the cheese? )
one Dustin Sippel was giving new meaning to the term ‘chamber pot’ —
…. he was arrested for firing a weapon while sitting on the toilet in his apartment.
The bullet went down through the floor,
and into his downstairs neighbor’s bathroom- missing the occupant,
but certainly making him…
….. ummm…. nervous.
Police found Sippel walking around the neighborhood, still armed.
When questioned, Sippel admitted he had been on the pot —
…………… in more than one way…..
he had been smoking marijuana while he was playing with his gun on the toilet.
See what I mean about being too weird to make up?
And who knew Wisconsin was such a strange place?
Macy’s Department Store in San Francisco fired their popular Santa of 20 years-
….. for telling an adult couple that he was jolly because he knew where all the bad girls and boys lived.
John Toomey, 68, had been telling that same joke to adults only since 1980 with no complaints, but apparently THESE people were….. well, extra sensitive.
Nice. John says he’s got social security to fall back on, but it’ll make the Holidays a little more difficult.
I just wanna know what kinda adults sit on Santa’s minimum wage lap, and then go outta their way to get his minimum wage ass fired.
Sorry, I don’t have the names of those joyless dumb f*cks….
………… but I’m sure Santa knows.
At a TJ Maxx store in Oklahoma, two women were arrested December 01 for felony shoplifting.
Guess where they hid their booty.
Awwwww…… you’ve been peeking.
Yes, there, among other places.
They each had hidden several pairs of boots, jeans, gloves and other stuff — — concealed under rolls of body fat.
Aileen Brown and Schmeco Thomas ( Schmeco?????? ) are charged with swiping … ( and sweating all over ) about 2600 bucks worth of stuff……..
That musta been a real joy,
having to search those two.
Can you imagine getting a Christmas present from one of them ?
Melissa Williams, of Fairplain, West Virginia was arrested the previous month after a disturbance at the local motel …..
She was found in a room with two men who complained that she had threatened their lives with a knife if they didn’t give her a little Holiday cheer …..
maybe I’ll leave it to the police report to explain.
She is reported to told them:
“Somebody is going to eat my p-(
…. or I’m going to cut your f-(
One of the complainants claims
to have originally acquiesced to her
seemingly somewhat reasonable demands,
………………. but was repelled by her ” horrible vaginal odor ”
She got 90 days in the County lockup,
( probably just in time for her annual Christmas shower ) .
At Christmastime, 2008,
a wife in Adelaide, Australia was arrested for burning her husband to death….
was claiming that the death of her husband was an accident,
that she was only trying to burn his penis off for infidelity,
and that the gas-can was heavy,
and got kinda out to control.
That gasoline stuff can be sooooooo unpredictable.
I guess these are all good candidates…..
…………. but I gotta go with this one for Honorary Christmas Weirdo.
William Russell was arrested after he allegedly entered a Greenwood, Indiana apartment —-
—- occupied by two sleeping individuals and stole $52.
Police said that after Russell took the money,
he started playing with the man’s toes,
according to Greenwood police Detective Matt Fillenwarth.
He “woke up and felt someone rubbing his leg and fondling his toes”, and finally “…. he realized it was not his girlfriend,” police said.
The victim chased the man to his truck, got the license number, and it was tracked back to Russell.
He is known locally as the “Toe Sucker”,
…. as he has been previously arrested a number of times for this kinda thing.
I bet his mother is proud !!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Christmas, Y’all !!!!!!