Do We Get Letters ?

lettersLetters ?

Do we get letters,
— you ask?

Sure,
we get letters, man.

Boy,
howdy,
do we…..

Do we?

Ummm, yes,

Err….
I guess we get letters.

Well,

let’s pretend
we get em, anyway,

….. since I’ll never get
this post finished
if I keep hemmin’ and
hawin’ around with ya
about it otherwise …..

hey,
what bearing
does reality
have to anything
these days, anyway?

So —a2

YES, we do get letters. 

Thanks for asking.

Like this next —
completely authentic,
bona-fide,
genuine,
unscripted–

and not in any
way, shape, or form–
fabricated,
faked,
half-baked,
concocted,
redacted,
dreamt up,
made up out of whole cloth,
or in any other way
otherwise spurious
letter–

(ok, maybe it is
some of that stuff…. ):

.

Dear Mister Muscleheaded:

I know you’re a big ole stud muffin,
and absolutely irresistible to women,
so you should be able to answer this question.
I need a line to use when I meet a girl
and want her to find me instantly bed-able.

Any suggestions?

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Maydupt Q. Sendert

PS… The ‘T’s are silent.

.

Well, Mister Maydupt,candy

I’m here to help,
’cause that’s just the kinda guy I am.

Certainly ,
there are two approaches to
getting a girl to go to bed with you.

Assuming- of course –
that you mean:

‘go to bed with you’
VOLUNTARILY,
and for FREE.lettera

(I’m not absolutely sure
that’s what you meant,

but we’ll go with it —

Since the other implications are:
way too creepy,
completely out of my
range of expertise,

and,
I’m not sure they sell
over-the-counter roofies anyway.

Do me a favor —
if you’ve ever used the pickup line:barf
“Does this smell like chloroform to you?”,
please forget this blog altogether.)

Ahem.

As I was saying…

There are two main approaches.

One involves taking the
time to get to know her,travel

and let her get to know you —

spending time together,
learning about her background,
her passions,
her tastes,
and such.

If you treat her right,
listen to what she’s into,
and, of course, if she likes you,
she’ll probably be draggin’
YOU into the bedroom eventually.

The other approach is using a
cheesy pickup line that will
magically make the girl wanna
drop her panties right there
in the bar and do ya.

(The internet version
of this approach,
of course, would be tohat
send some girl
a disembodied picture
of your dick,

…. although the type of
instant gratification
you’d get would be quite
different, I’d suppose.)

While both systems have
their fans and their detractors,

I’m sensing from your letter that
approach number one might be
a little too sophisticated and
involved for your sensibilities,

— and that you are primarily
interested in approach number 2.

Hmmmm…. ok.

chemistryPickup lines have a long and storied history —

— they are reported to have existed
even before Disco music was invented.

But they’re notoriously undependable
and horrendously unoriginal….

And you just never know how
a girl is gonna react to one.

And a lot has to do with the delivery.

— no matter how good the line is —

if it’s being delivered by somebodywood
who slobbers all over himself
like Quasimodo,

— it might not turn her on.

So, by all means,

— relax yourself by having as
many drinks as you can to brace yourself first.

Chicks dig that.

Then, when your loins are
sufficiently girded for battle,

feel free to use one of the following
‘tried and true’ pickup lines that
I have so painstakingly researched for you.

Be careful to say these in a
relatively low voice, though–

Or you may have to take
all the girls in the bar
home simultaneously.

Ahem.ash

.

1: ” You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.”

2: “All those curves, and me with bad brakes.”

3: “Hey, I hear Heineken is really good
for beating back those pesky yeast infections…”

4: “Are those space pants?
Cuz your ass is out of this world!”

5: “Girl, you look so good, I could put
you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!”tailwag

6: “I like milk on my cereal…
Are you having a boy or a girl?”

7: “Even if this bar is a meat market,
you would be the prime rib.”

8: “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”

9: “I like how you smell,
but let’s take a shower together, anyway
.”

10: “Was your father a farmer?
Because you sure have grown some nice melons!”

11: “Wow! Are them things real?”line

12: “You know, the more I drunk
I am, the prettier you get!”

13: “Babe! you’re so fine I could
drink your bath water!”

14: “You’re ugly but you intrigue me.”

.

And in times of absolute desperation,ap

— just on the off-chance that none
of these worked for you,

you can use this one–

….which is guaranteed to get….

well,

at least a reaction of some kind,

— which is better than being
ignored as usual….
ummm…
right ?

15: ” You’re thinking that I may
not be the best looking guy here,

…. but I am also the only one
talking to you.

.

That’s all of it….

By now, you should befirefly
on easy street, huh?

So, I’ll leave you with these
last words of wisdom,

from Chico Marx,

( to use in case yer wife catches
you using one of those other lines ….)

I wasn’t kissing her,
I was just whispering in her mouth

genwarts

HE Meeting SHE

1 My young gym buddy Kevin has a problem.

He’s in his mid 20’s ,
got a good job,
is cut pretty good…..

….. nice guy,
but painfully shy.

He’s been going into this coffee shop near his house for a coupla months,

— and he’s got a serious crush on this hottie barista that works in there.

When he told me about her,adam
I decided to drop in and check her out,

— just outta curiosity, ya understand.

(hey, man, relax —
— it’s on the way home)

And, yes,
she really is a hottie….

a1….. an intense, intelligent looking girl with
dark eyes,
long black hair,
and a smile that would make a sailor try to shave a tattoo off.

Makes good coffee, too.

I imagine she gets hit on all the time,
as it DID seem like one rich looking gleep was just kinda lingerin’ around her station a lot….

…. the only thing I know about him for sure is he’s got a sore foot…..

-’cause I accidentally-on purpose stepped on one of his gucci-type loafers when he wouldn’t get outta the way…….

Anyhoo…
back to my buddy.

The next time I saw him at the gym,05
we had a short tactical planning discussion.

I’m not big on snappy pick up lines….

…. and so, I said you gotta just be yerself,
and hope she can tell the difference between a wolf and a german shepherd….

and he agreed with me.

boysmeets( The only other piece of advice that I remember giving,
….. was not to ask her out for coffee. )

So he went and asked her out ,
and took the natural approach.

Unfortunately, she apparently was not as sharp as she looked…

— she blew him off faster than the foam off one of those over-priced high falootin’ designer coffees she frequently prepares.

All kinds of things coulda went wrong, though…winds

… and these days,
it’s tough to know who to trust,
I understand that.

It’s possible she just doesn’t like men…

And besides the obvious possibilities,

she could also be into sheep,
assorted farm implements,
or wolves…
hey, man — who knows.

She could be waiting for Mr. Rockefeller J. Rolex himself to walk in,
— take one swig of her coffee, —
and then sweep her,
both –
off her feet, —-
and out of the working class altogether.motto

Que sera, ser-freakkin-ra.

Still,
I hate to see the dude suffer.

I offered to introduce him to Sherrie,
our gym’s cougar-in-residence to help ease the pain…

(ahem…),

but he had been already planning a mind deal wedding for him and that caffeiney-jeannie,
— so Sherrie wasn’t gonna scratch where it itched.man

( oh yeah… just a little lower and to the left…….. )

( ahem, again…. )

So anyhow, now that I ‘splained all that claptrap,

— I guess you figure I’m gonna come up with a post all about asking a girl out on a date.

Awww…. hell.miss
I’m not all that predictable, am I?

I don’t wanna suggest stuff that you should do,
but what I suggest you should NOT do…..

……………. a field in which,
I’m afraid,
I have much more experience.

And for all our viewers who wish to participate at home,number
we’ll make it a multiple choice.

(Regular readers already know where the right answers are…….

— but I better warn ya,
all of the answers probably have a lower-than-average chance of success…… )

Ain’t we got fun?

donaldmcgillAlrighty….
let’s begin.

.

You’re in your favorite local hangout having a beer.
You see a girl who is dressed suspiciously like Daisy Duke….

…. drunker ‘n a skunk and throwing darts.
What should you not do?

A: Tell her she’s got a purty mouth.
B: Buy her another Pabst Blue Ribbon
C: Stand in front of the dart board to catch her eye.
D: Ask her if she wants to know why they call you “Pee Wee”

.

There’s this girl at work who is always smiling at you in a very innocent way…
she’s married, but she keeps inviting you to her church.

What should you not do?

A: Tell her she’s got a purty mouth.far
B: Smile back courteously, then go find someone not married, or at least- not so church-going.
C: Ask her how many wives they’re allowed in her church.
D: Wear your Hare Krishna robes to work on casual day.

.

You’re really attracted to a girl you notice at the club solo-dancing enraptured to the beat of “Wetter” by Twista….
you should not:

A: Ask her if you can mix a drink on her butt.
B: Tell her she’s creating a disturbance
C: Yell at the DJ to turn the music down so she can hear you talk to her.
D: Open up the conversation with “Don’t ya just hate this shit?”

.

You’re at the airport Xray machines,
and you notice a very attractive TSA officer behind the screen.flirting
You should NOT:

A: Smile, be relaxed, friendly, and cooperative.
B: Take all liquids out of your carry on.
C: Tell her there’s no damn way
that she can make you take your shoes off.
D: Even think about doing C.

.

You’re at the local library,
and Madam Marian Librarian catches your eye.
You wanna check out a book that will impress her.maids
Which one should you NOT choose:

A: “Imitation of Christ” by Thomas a Kempis
B: “How to Make Millions Playing Bingo” by Horace Pleeb.
C: “Green Eggs and Ham” by Dr. Seuss
D: “Sex and the Single Vampire” by Katie MacAlister

.

You catch a glimpse of your dream girl at the supermarket…
you want to get her attention.pay
You should not:

A: Follow her around the store loudly talking to yourself about the value of fiber in the diet.
B: Repeatedly run over her foot with your shopping cart.
C: Grab a six pack off the shelf in the beer aisle and offer her a cold one.
D: Offer to pay for her groceries if she’ll cook em for ya.

.

You’re a good looking 25 year old male,
and you’re on the cardio machine next to Sherrie.
You should NOT:

A: B: C: Forget to wipe down the machine upon your hasty joint exit.
(Remember, if it’s inevitable, lay back and enjoy it.)
D: Tell her you don’t like mature women.
( dumb move, and it won’t work anyway…)

.

TEICHAt the Doctor’s office, you notice a very nice looking fellow patient.
You should not:

A: Try to look as sick and pitiful as possible
B: Try to look important and get the nurse to address you with an honorific like “Professor” or “Colonel”
C: Ask her what disease she’s “in for”.
D: Tell her you’ll be happy to examine her so she won’t have to wait for the Doctor.

.

A guy you knew from “the old days” wants to hook you up with his sister. . pearlharbor
You know this is a bad idea…
if there’s anything to genetics at all.
How do you get out of it?

A: Compliment her on her mustache
B: Tell her you will need her complete medical history first
C: Tell her the story about her bro and the transvestites in that bar in San Diego.
D: Tell her you were one of the transvestites in San Diego.

.

You finally ask out the cutieplay
you’ve been overtipping for months at the smoothie shop,
— and she turns you down in a rude and nasty manner.
What will NOT help you get over her?

A: Asking her if she’s got a sister
B: A drink at the local watering hole and maybe some darts with Daisy Duke
C: A length of rope and some duct tape
D: Increasing the tip

.unattached

If this quiz didn’t help ya get a date,
well,
all I can say is that I’m shocked.

Mortified.

Stupefied.

:-O

Might I suggest that you just go somewhere dressed real nice and looking ‘accessible’?

That might just work.

Uh…. yeah.

2