Do we get letters,
— you ask?
we get letters, man.
I guess we get letters.
we get em, anyway,
….. since I’ll never get
this post finished
if I keep hemmin’ and
hawin’ around with ya
about it otherwise …..
have to anything
these days, anyway?
YES, we do get letters.
Thanks for asking.
Like this next —
and not in any
way, shape, or form–
made up out of whole cloth,
or in any other way
(ok, maybe it is
some of that stuff…. ):
Dear Mister Muscleheaded:
I know you’re a big ole stud muffin,
and absolutely irresistible to women,
so you should be able to answer this question.
I need a line to use when I meet a girl
and want her to find me instantly bed-able.
Mr. Maydupt Q. Sendert
PS… The ‘T’s are silent.
I’m here to help,
’cause that’s just the kinda guy I am.
there are two approaches to
getting a girl to go to bed with you.
Assuming- of course –
that you mean:
‘go to bed with you’
and for FREE.
(I’m not absolutely sure
that’s what you meant,
but we’ll go with it —
Since the other implications are:
way too creepy,
completely out of my
range of expertise,
I’m not sure they sell
over-the-counter roofies anyway.
As I was saying…
There are two main approaches.
and let her get to know you —
spending time together,
learning about her background,
If you treat her right,
listen to what she’s into,
and, of course, if she likes you,
she’ll probably be draggin’
YOU into the bedroom eventually.
The other approach is using a
cheesy pickup line that will
magically make the girl wanna
drop her panties right there
in the bar and do ya.
…. although the type of
you’d get would be quite
different, I’d suppose.)
While both systems have
their fans and their detractors,
I’m sensing from your letter that
approach number one might be
a little too sophisticated and
involved for your sensibilities,
— and that you are primarily
interested in approach number 2.
— they are reported to have existed
even before Disco music was invented.
But they’re notoriously undependable
and horrendously unoriginal….
And you just never know how
a girl is gonna react to one.
And a lot has to do with the delivery.
— no matter how good the line is —
— it might not turn her on.
So, by all means,
— relax yourself by having as
many drinks as you can to brace yourself first.
Chicks dig that.
Then, when your loins are
sufficiently girded for battle,
feel free to use one of the following
‘tried and true’ pickup lines that
I have so painstakingly researched for you.
Be careful to say these in a
relatively low voice, though–
Or you may have to take
all the girls in the bar home simultaneously.
1: ” You might not be the best looking girl here,
but beauty is only a light switch away.”
2: “All those curves, and me with bad brakes.”
3: “Hey, I hear Heineken is really good
for beating back those pesky yeast infections…”
4: “Are those space pants?
Cuz your ass is out of this world!”
6: “I like milk on my cereal…
Are you having a boy or a girl?”
7: “Even if this bar is a meat market,
you would be the prime rib.”
8: “Is it hot in here or is it just me?”
9: “I like how you smell,
but let’s take a shower together, anyway.”
10: “Was your father a farmer?
Because you sure have grown some nice melons!”
13: “Babe! you’re so fine I could
drink your bath water!”
14: “You’re ugly but you intrigue me.”
— just on the off-chance that none
of these worked for you,
you can use this one–
….which is guaranteed to get….
at least a reaction of some kind,
— which is better than being
ignored as usual….
15: ” You’re thinking that I may
not be the best looking guy here,
…. but I am also the only one
talking to you. ”
That’s all of it….
So, I’ll leave you with these
last words of wisdom,
from Chico Marx,
( to use in case yer wife catches
you using one of those other lines ….)
” I wasn’t kissing her,
I was just whispering in her mouth ”
He’s in his mid 20’s ,
got a good job,
is cut pretty good…..
….. nice guy,
but painfully shy.
He’s been going into this coffee shop near his house for a coupla months,
— and he’s got a serious crush on this hottie barista that works in there.
— just outta curiosity, ya understand.
(hey, man, relax —
— it’s on the way home)
she really is a hottie….
Makes good coffee, too.
I imagine she gets hit on all the time,
as it DID seem like one rich looking gleep was just kinda lingerin’ around her station a lot….
…. the only thing I know about him for sure is he’s got a sore foot…..
-’cause I accidentally-on purpose stepped on one of his gucci-type loafers when he wouldn’t get outta the way…….
back to my buddy.
I’m not big on snappy pick up lines….
…. and so, I said you gotta just be yerself,
and hope she can tell the difference between a wolf and a german shepherd….
and he agreed with me.
So he went and asked her out ,
and took the natural approach.
Unfortunately, she apparently was not as sharp as she looked…
— she blew him off faster than the foam off one of those over-priced high falootin’ designer coffees she frequently prepares.
… and these days,
it’s tough to know who to trust,
I understand that.
It’s possible she just doesn’t like men…
And besides the obvious possibilities,
she could also be into sheep,
assorted farm implements,
hey, man — who knows.
Que sera, ser-freakkin-ra.
I hate to see the dude suffer.
I offered to introduce him to Sherrie,
our gym’s cougar-in-residence to help ease the pain…
( oh yeah… just a little lower and to the left…….. )
( ahem, again…. )
So anyhow, now that I ‘splained all that claptrap,
— I guess you figure I’m gonna come up with a post all about asking a girl out on a date.
I don’t wanna suggest stuff that you should do,
but what I suggest you should NOT do…..
……………. a field in which,
I have much more experience.
(Regular readers already know where the right answers are…….
— but I better warn ya,
all of the answers probably have a lower-than-average chance of success…… )
Ain’t we got fun?
You’re in your favorite local hangout having a beer.
You see a girl who is dressed suspiciously like Daisy Duke….
…. drunker ‘n a skunk and throwing darts.
What should you not do?
A: Tell her she’s got a purty mouth.
B: Buy her another Pabst Blue Ribbon
C: Stand in front of the dart board to catch her eye.
D: Ask her if she wants to know why they call you “Pee Wee”
There’s this girl at work who is always smiling at you in a very innocent way…
she’s married, but she keeps inviting you to her church.
What should you not do?
A: Tell her she’s got a purty mouth.
B: Smile back courteously, then go find someone not married, or at least- not so church-going.
C: Ask her how many wives they’re allowed in her church.
D: Wear your Hare Krishna robes to work on casual day.
You’re really attracted to a girl you notice at the club solo-dancing enraptured to the beat of “Wetter” by Twista….
you should not:
A: Ask her if you can mix a drink on her butt.
B: Tell her she’s creating a disturbance
C: Yell at the DJ to turn the music down so she can hear you talk to her.
D: Open up the conversation with “Don’t ya just hate this shit?”
You’re at the airport Xray machines,
and you notice a very attractive TSA officer behind the screen.
You should NOT:
A: Smile, be relaxed, friendly, and cooperative.
B: Take all liquids out of your carry on.
C: Tell her there’s no damn way
that she can make you take your shoes off.
D: Even think about doing C.
You’re at the local library,
and Madam Marian Librarian catches your eye.
You wanna check out a book that will impress her.
Which one should you NOT choose:
A: “Imitation of Christ” by Thomas a Kempis
B: “How to Make Millions Playing Bingo” by Horace Pleeb.
C: “Green Eggs and Ham” by Dr. Seuss
D: “Sex and the Single Vampire” by Katie MacAlister
A: Follow her around the store loudly talking to yourself about the value of fiber in the diet.
B: Repeatedly run over her foot with your shopping cart.
C: Grab a six pack off the shelf in the beer aisle and offer her a cold one.
D: Offer to pay for her groceries if she’ll cook em for ya.
You’re a good looking 25 year old male,
and you’re on the cardio machine next to Sherrie.
You should NOT:
A: B: C: Forget to wipe down the machine upon your hasty joint exit.
(Remember, if it’s inevitable, lay back and enjoy it.)
D: Tell her you don’t like mature women.
( dumb move, and it won’t work anyway…)
A: Try to look as sick and pitiful as possible
B: Try to look important and get the nurse to address you with an honorific like “Professor” or “Colonel”
C: Ask her what disease she’s “in for”.
D: Tell her you’ll be happy to examine her so she won’t have to wait for the Doctor.
A guy you knew from “the old days” wants to hook you up with his sister. .
You know this is a bad idea…
if there’s anything to genetics at all.
How do you get out of it?
A: Compliment her on her mustache
B: Tell her you will need her complete medical history first
C: Tell her the story about her bro and the transvestites in that bar in San Diego.
D: Tell her you were one of the transvestites in San Diego.
A: Asking her if she’s got a sister
B: A drink at the local watering hole and maybe some darts with Daisy Duke
C: A length of rope and some duct tape
D: Increasing the tip
If this quiz didn’t help ya get a date,
all I can say is that I’m shocked.
Might I suggest that you just go somewhere dressed real nice and looking ‘accessible’?
That might just work.