The Friday Mail Bag

It’s true.

Very much
like a cheap motel
that you paid
12 bucks a night
for ’cause
you were desperate
for some sleep —
(or something else
entirely)

You nevera1
really know
what’s gonna
turn up
around here on
the Müscleheaded Blog.

Might even be fun,
you never can tell.

But,
clean sheets?

Ha —
think again, man.

Sheets are only
really clean if they’ve
been steamed after
washing —

And that only happens
in the high fallootin’
places, anyway.

Otherwise, you’re in
bed with everyone and
anyone who’s been in
there before you.

Hmmmm….

It seems like
I’ve heard
that allusion before,
somewhere…..

Ahh well,
sharing is caring,
right?

Over the years I’ve
been doing my blog,
I’ve collected some
very interesting images.

a2Some of which
I’ll never be able
to find a legitimate
use for.

Uh huh.

But one must remember,
when you’re hungry
and strapped
for creative provisions,
that the scraps
in the mental refrigerator
(or in this case,
— the detritusfancy
of a digital hard drive)
can make for quite
a palatable tasting menu
when handled correctly.

Ok —
so enough of the
flowery puffing —
onwards toward the
proverbial
‘comme ci, comme ça’ .

Like virginity,ban
perfection is
overated , anyway.

(… as if I would know
anything about virginity)

Ahem.

And
speaking of
tasting menus,
that’s pretty much
what we have for today.

A little of this,
a little of that.

A blogging
banana split,
if you will.

Not cohesive,
and certainly
not tasteful, dineomat
but it’ll probably
fill you up
all the same
if you can keep
it all down.

Just chock full of:
bad writing,
mixed metaphors,
oddball humor,
questionable images
bettyand inside jokes.

Oh,
and don’t forget
the sexy girls.

Yep-
pretty typical
for the
Müscleheaded Blog,
you’re right.

That’s just the
way we roll, man.

PS: Thanks to my friend
J for the motel signs.

.

fritzwillis

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Hair Raisin’

a11Man,
I’m losing my mind,
I think,
with all these
wild hairs
growing ape shit
all over .

Ok…
Wait…

Take a breath
and calm down.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Better ?
Now,
tell your story, man.begin

Well, you see
it’s like this……

As much as I hate
to admit it,
I’m getting older.

And as I’ve gotten older,
that beautiful mane
of chestnut brown hair
that I was always so proud
of has gone the color of
an almond tree blossom

— and worse yet,
it’s all starting
to thin out.

Now, you’d think
Mother Nature
in her infinite wisdom
would come to the rescue
with some fill-in hair.

And she did, sorta–

If you wanna call
it hair, that is —

It’s more like it fell
out of a wire brush .

You practically gotta trim it
with a weed cutter.

She’s been puttin’
this patchy, scraggley stuff
just about everywhere
I don’t need or want it.

What got me started
on this slightly distasteful
and probably ill-advised
topic, you may ask?

Well,a2
I was sitting in my bedroom
just minding my own business,
— with a mirror and
a big honkin pair of
needle nosed pliers–
for pulling out about
700 hideously unmanageable nose hairs…..

( ’cause nothing gets people
staring like a wild hair
that keeps creeping out
of your nose wheneverb
you move your face….. )

when this beautiful
and incredibly sexy lady
happens to saunter on by,
and remind me of the
special hi-tech motorized
nose hair trimmer
that she bought me
for Christmas.curly

Me, not one to argue
with a woman with such
outstanding nipples
like hers….
I tried it out.

No soup, man.

It didn’t do nothingscalped
but vibrate my uvula.

Which was kinda
giving me other ideas,
but that’s another post.

Anyhoo —
the hair was so stubborn
that the battery operated
blades would just move ’em around.

Sorta like a
Trichological
Tilt-O-Whirl.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So,
back to theunderhat
needle nose pilers,
I went.

The aforementioned lady
and the nipples adorning her
stormed off in sorta a huff —

But I coulda told her
that contraption was gonna
be no match for middlekreml
aged man nose hair.

And what’s with this hair
growing on my shoulder????????

Why the hell does
Mother Nature
think I need hairy
shoulders?

Did you ever try to reach fitch
your shoulder blades with a razor?

Maybe if you’re
a contortionist you can do it —
otherwise, you just walk around
looking like a guy
with hair growing on his shoulders.

Yuk, man.

Another place that
Nature finds irresistible
to plant unwanted new hairs now
is the outside of my ears.1946

And let me tell you —
Shaving your ears
is a blood-fest
waiting to happen.

Especially when you shave
like I do —

Press as hard as you can,
and hope you get it
all in one sweep.wh

Yeah,
like that’ll happen.

The good thing,
I guess,
is that
all my red towelslucky
stay bright red
no matter how much I wash ’em.

Not to mention the fact
that little drops of
splashed blood
adds a wonderfully lived-in look to any bathroom décor,
ya know.

And when Mama Nature
IS feeling generous enough
to replace the hair on my head,

— it’s so unruly and stringeya1a
it won’t stay down —

it sticks up like
I’m some kinda
demented Sqweezel.

I can’t seem to comb
the stuff down —

I feel like I’d have
to use Elmers Glue !

Hey,
I didn’t sign up
for all this weird aging shit.

!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme my old hair back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOY !!!

tiger


 

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.

.

A Bull Of A Boner

bullofabonerOk–

Yes, I know.

I’m guilty.

I use both ambiguity
and innuendo in my blogs once in a while.

Hey-
What’s wrong
with an occasional one
double entendre,
anyway,
huh ?

Sometimes,
it’s sorta accidental,

– and sometimes,
maybe not so much.

I do love to use ’em,
though,
and I guess
it shows.

But it’s not like
I invented it, man.contagious

This kind of language play
goes way, way back —

Homer’s “Odyssey”
had examples of it.

So did “Lysistrata”
by Aristophanes —

They certainly were responsible
for Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales”big
having such a racy reputation,

— even back in the 14th century.

And the ole Bard ,
— ya know,
William Shakespeare–

mighta been considered just another hack,

if he hadn’t relied
heavily on puns like:

In ‘Henry V’:

“Pistol’s cock is up,
And flashing fire will follow.”

.

In ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’:holdout

But I might see Cupid’s fiery shaft
Quenched in the chaste beams of the watery moon.”

or:

“I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all!”

or:

“I’ll ride your horse
as well as I ride you.”play

.

In ‘Romeo and Juliet’:

“O Romeo, that she were,
O that she were an open-arse
And thou a popp’rin’pear.”

.

In ‘Hamlet’:

HAMLET- Lady, shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA- No, my lord.
HAMLET- I mean,
my head upon your lap?

OPHELIA- Ay, my lord.
HAMLET- Do you think
I meant country matters?rebus

OPHELIA- I think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET- That’s a fair
thought to lie between maids’ legs.

OPHELIA- What is, my lord?
HAMLET- Nothing.

.

Or from ‘Twelfth Night’ :

“By my life, naughty
this is my lady’s hand

these be her very C’s,
her U’s and her T’s

and thus makes she
her great P’s.”

.

And in modern times,

there were celebrities
who made a living
making jokes like that.

.

— Mae West:
“Marriage is a fine institution,
but I’m not ready for an institution”

.

and,edition

— Groucho Marx:
“She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.”

.

Both Groucho and Mae
were past masters of the
double entendre.

Almost anything they said
could be interpreted in
more than one way. sparker

Hence the ‘double’ in …

Oh well,
you get the idea.

These things can be built on simple puns,
or turns of phrase.

They can be based on
antonyms,
synonyms,
homonyms…..

Hell,
any kind of ‘nym’ you want.

Best of all,line
once you get good at it,
you can take just
about anything
and make a
double entendre out of it.

And,
of course,
double entendres
don’t HAVE to be dirty.

(Awwww—-
— you’re just
no fun any more. )

Me,
I just like ’em better
when they’re dirty.

Remember-  milk
Celibacy can be a very hard thing.

Or as Zsa Zsa Gabor once observed:

“A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he’s finished.”

Ahem.

So today,

I thought
I would slide
some interesting double entendre cards in on you…

You know,
….. run ’em up the flagpole,
and see who salutes.

HOY!

bigscrew1919

Flying High

hello1Our Muscleheaded Blog readers
are a wonderful group of folks,

— let me tell you.

They send me some VERY cool stuff, too.

I had been saving a couple of these
submissions for just the right post…

But I guess I’m waiting for a flight
that ain’t never gonna arrive,

— so this post will have to do.

Vintage postcards that have to do
with flying and romance.

Now,
you might ask what these
two things have to do with each other….

Plenty,
man, plenty —

— you’ve never heard of the
‘Mile High Club’,
for instance?

Or Frank Sinatra singing his classic:

Come Fly With Me ” ?

Flying,
in and of itself,
is a very romantic activity —7eave

And back when it was first developed —

Well, yeah,
even more so.

There’s all sorts of things
going on in your head,

— while you’re up there in the ole wild blue yonder —

And having an interesting woman
in the jump seat
just amps up the excitement to eleven.

Ahem.

a1The limited space in those old
two seaters did complicate things a bit,

of course.

But like the man says….

It was just a new way
to play an old game.

And….

as we all know,a4

despite another song’s
assertion to the contrary,

there really ain’t no
regularly scheduled flights to the moon —

And I’m pretty sure
you couldn’t make that trip,

like these nice folks seem to have done,

in a 1920’s bi-plane, anyway.

Sure, I know —

Fokker .

Uh huh.a1

Really…

If,
and I say IF,

he or she is gonna fly you to the moon,

……… it’s gonna have to be purely symbolic.

But it does sounds pretty fun, too.

It’s easy to see:

Love is a lot like flying —

One minute you’re up in the air,
having the time of your life,

And the next minute,a2
your engines are backfiring,

and you crash land
into one of them there
24 hour Wedding Chapels
with Elvis look-alikes for ministers
and strippers for witnesses.

Hmmm…..

Maybe I’ve said
too much,
I dunno.

This last piece was done by
the great pin up artist Gil Elvgren
in the 1940’s,

………… and was entitled “Tail Wind”.

HOY!

.

Enigma Week: Howdy Pardner

aropinHowdy, y’all.

Don’t you find
it interesting…..

no matter
how much
somebody travels,

…..there always
seems to be a
blind spot for
one’s own backyard.

Because of my
years travelling,dude

I find it relatively easy
to relate to people
from all over the world–

But,
I still find that
even some parts
of my own country
and culture are a
complete enigma to me.

Take cowboys,
for instance.

Despite having been to:

San Antonio,
(where they make the salsa)a1

Dallas, 
(where it’s hard to find a
decent steak for some reason)

Tulsa,
(where they got Big Drillers
with little pet penguins)

Billings,
(it really is some Big Sky, man)

and yes,
CheyenneRayWalters
(I once went out with the girl
they named that place after) —

I’m not even mentioning Butte.

( that’s another place
they named after
that same girl,
I think.. )

I did like them
places pretty well,
and all,1

Despite the fact
that they wouldn’t let me
into John Wayne’s secret vaults
in the basement of the Alamo.

( Just ask Pee-Wee about that
if you don’t believe me. )

But somehow,

I had gotten myself
into a mind-set2
that the real life
version of cowboys were only:

either individual eccentric anomalies,

characters out of fiction or movies,

or a thing of the past.

Hmmmph.1942

But—

Having just recently returned
from 4 days in the heart
of cowboy country, though,

I now know better,
of course,

…. and that it ain’t true t’all.

I understand that having
made that kinda mistake,

will lead some folks to think
that I’m just another
big dumb Easterner.acactus

But I’m not.

I’m a big dumb Southerner,
— thank you.

There’s actually a huge swath of this land,

especially west of the Mississippi River—

that is inhabited by peopleasaddle
who identify themselves
with the cowboy lifestyle,

and I apologize that I
ever thought different.

All them ten-gallon hat jokes
being some kind of
compensation mechanism
that I’ve been makin’ all these years,

— I hereby withdraw,
retract, and utterly disavow.

That joke about
why women married
to cowboys never blink cowboy
during foreplay —

( You know, because there isn’t time. )

Not for a moment,
will that ever pass my lips.

And that one about
why cow girls walk bowlegged —

( because cowboys like to eat with their hats on. )

I promise I will never
tell that gem again.a1

Never.

On no account,

will I ever again refer
to cowboy romance as:
“stable relationships“.

And until pigs fly,

I will forever forgo making
a connection between
bushy, brown mustaches and the song:

Looking For Love
In All The Wrong Places”.

Those are the kinda things
that causes folks to have the
wrong ideas about cowboys,a1

….. and I’m just not havin’ it.

Mainly,

because they were so
darn tootin’ nice to me out there.

Somebody even gifted me a brand new Stetson….

a2Although,

Wearing it makes me look as out of place as
Moe from “The Three Stooges”

—on the nude version
of “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”.

(Sure,
it might just be the haircut,
who knows. )

Anyhoo —

In order to make amends,

I thought today that I would post
a couple of what a friend of mine
from Oklahoma calls ‘Cowboy Wisdom’ —1912

And what I thought,

–being the contrary bastard that I am,

I would call ‘Cowpoke Catchphrases’.

Not much difference, right?

Well,

as she would say:

” Don’t worry about
biting off more than you can chew,
……because your mouth
is probably a whole lot bigger
than you’d think. “

horseBoy, she does know me pretty well,
I guess.

Ahem.

Sally had initially emailed me
about a post I did years ago
about:
‘Wicked Dangerous Sports’

— and gave me some
very funny Western Words of Wisdom:

“The only good reason to ride a bull is to meet a nurse.”

Mmmmmm…

………………………. nurses.zoemozert

Ummm…
uh oh.

I can feel myself getting distracted.

Ahem.

I love the humor
and the practical approach
to life these aphorisms reflect.

There’s also a uniquely
American aspect to this kinda wisdom, too.

I dunno where these have been
when I really needed them, though.

Here’s one I like a lot:goggles

If you happen to find yourself in a ditch,
the first thing to do is stop digging.

I think I could use that
adage a lot as I’m writing my posts.

And, after having a couple conversations with her,

I think I’ve come to realize
the truth of another one of her sayings:

” There are two lines of thought
about how to successfully argue with a woman-
………… and neither of them works worth a damn. “

Hey, these cowpunchers really ARE smart.

They’re sorta like Sages of the Sagebrush.

HOY !!!!

drugstore

Generally Mind Farked

1920exhibitsupplyPictures can speak a thousand words.

No,

I can’t say that I really know
what the hell is going on
in a lot of the ones
my friends send me ….

Sometimes they
send ’em to see
just how mind-fucked
they can get me…

( you know who you are )

Other times,afraid

….. it’s just a weird
or funny image
that doesn’t have
to mean anything at all.

One thing’s for sure–

The mail bag
is always interesting.

It has kinda
like a Forrest Gump
‘box of chocolates’ vibe.

Cause you really don’t know
what’s gonna turn up–squeak

in there,

or
ON HERE.

Hey, man,
if you scared,
say you’re scared.

I got one friend who sends
me nothing but
dogs wearing sombreros —

It was kinda an inside joke,
related to a post
that I did 8-9 years ago
on my old Xanga site,

But now,

— dogs in sombrerosjar
have become one of the
hallmarks of the Muscleheaded Blog.

That’s how it works —

This Blog is very reader-driven.

(People read it,
and they’re slowly driven crazy.)

Ahem.

For some reason,
I’ve also been getting a lot
of “Leap Year” submissions–

I guess we’re getting for 2020 already?minister

YEP —
— that’s gonna be a Leap Year.

There’s several
of those on today’s post.

I always enjoy them —

and, of course,

any other submissions
that refer back to one of my older posts,

….. like the one on Mutoscope or Exhibit Cards.

The top pic on today’s post was that kind of card:

— made by the Exhibit Supply Company in 1920.

“French Postcard Style” pin upsmexican
have always popular around here,

and so are the more art-style
ones like this next one:

…… especially created by artists
that I haven’t featured as yet.

(No,
sombreros aren’t a pre-requisite,
thank you)

This beautiful piece was done by Jesus Helguera.

You never know what will
show up in the mailbag, though.navy

Hey —
that’s one of the things
that make this blog ‘special’.

Special,
— ya know… ,

….. like on the side of
those little yellow buses.

Ahem.

If you want to join that
elite group of knuckleheads
who are dropping pics
and submissions in my email-

I’ll tell you right up front
how much I appreciate ya.ambush

Just send them to:
carolinamuscle@outlook.com.

Let me know
if you want a link back and credit,
or,

…. like most of my friends,

you wanna stay anonymous.

( Hey,

I don’t judge.

— I just want the pics. )

These we have for you
today have all been1888
signed, sealed, and delivered–

— and ready for today’s post.

The one on the right has the caption
” The Leap Year Girls 1888 “.

As you can see,
some of the stuff we get
are very old, indeed !

Thanks again, guys!tempting

As I might have previously mentioned–

I got a good deal of mail
about my Leap Year post….

And here’s a 1950’s ad for Donuts mentioning it.

There are a surprisingly
huge variety of themes related to this subject.

Now, let’s see–

If this lady’s feminine charms
weren’t already sufficient motivation for the guy,

…… would taste tempting donuts really do the job ?donutqueen

And if they did work, when nothing else did,
—— would he really be worth having?

I got no idea, man.

I do love a good donut once in a while, though.

Another Leap Year post-card,
with the legend:
“I’m Going To POP it”,
was sent in by my old friend Tracie,
with a note:

“Am I reading this card right,
or do I just have a dirty mind?”1908popit

Well……
Truthfully,
since you asked,
and since you’ve been a
long time reader of this blog ,

—- probably both , Tracie ….
probably both.

And I applaud you for it.

Keep up the good work.

It’s a great card, by the way —
from around 1908.

Double-entendres were surprisinglylittlestranger
common in those
vintage Leap Year cards.

Here’s an interesting cigarette
card from around the turn of the century London.

This feller’s name was Master E. Garrett.

He was the star of a hit play by the name
of “The Little Stranger” —

It was the story of an adult passing himself off as a baby–

…. and the various
… err… adventures one would get
into under such circumstances.

I had to do a little digging
to find anything on this at all–

I think the buddy who sent it to medream
thought it would have me totally banjaxed.

In my research, I actually found
another one of this guy,
…. dressed up as a little baby girl, with the caption:

“I’m going to have a whiskey and soda”.

Knock yourself out, kid.

.

Being a veteran of the US Navy,bo
vintage Navy humor postcards
always get me excited.

Well,
ok….
… you know what I mean.

This one is from World War II…

….. and it’s got a little something for everybody.

This ad is from that same marineolddognewtricksperiod……

B.O.

Hoo boy….
if a Navy guy has B.O.,
his shipmates will sure
to let him know about it.

I promise ya.

And they’re both pretty funny, yes,

And they both convey the loneliness
and desire that builds up
on a serviceman,
when he’s off serving his country.

I bet the lady who originally
got that card in the mail
understood, though.

enoch.

Enoch Bolles is making quite
a comeback in popularity these days…

It used to be,
10 or 12 years ago,

nobody wanted any classic pin ups that weren’t done by Gil Elvgren or George Petty,

……. but now everybody seems to be into Bolles’ work.

Including me, of course.

But, I’ve always been a fan.

enochbollesHe has a wonderful sense of humor,
joie de vive,
expressiveness,
and good taste
that comes across on his canvasses.

What’s that about a hat ?

A Hat?

Hat?

What hat ?

.

.

sombrero

Motorcycle Make-Out

a1Did you ever have anyone ask you
to describe yourself
in 10 words or less ?

I think a lot of folks
would have a problem with that one.

But not me.

And one of the first words out of my mouth would be:

Motorcyclist” .limit

I’ve been riding them since I was 13,

which means
I’ve been a motorcyclist for …..

ummmm……

…… well, for some years now.

And believe it or not,
1944people were riding them
well before even I started.

Ahem.

Yep–

the first motorized vehicles for personal transport were motorcycles.

There’s lots of great old motorcycle postcards,

but today,

since we’re edging ever closer and closer-
— to that special time of year —

— to that special holiday
that’s all about love —

( You know the one. )oughter

So,
I figured I’d post stuff that had at least some connection to:

cuddlin’,

caressing,

cooing,

and canoodling, too.
blindfold
Yeah, sure–

Of course ,
people most certainly do that stuff,

— and much more —

ON motorcycles —

But that’s not really what I mean.

Motorcycles have always meant
different things to different folks–

Depending on who you talk to. fast

They can represent:
danger,
freedom,
excitement,
counter-culture,
romance,
irresponsibility,
individuality,clicked
sexuality,
risk,
…. even violence.

And somehow,

They still make pretty good subjects for:
Posters,
Christmas cards,
Valentines Day cards
and just generally cool postcards.

quartsMy goal was to find some unusual stuff,

— that you wouldn’t see every day —

And generally,

I think I might have hit the mark with these cards.

Still,

I have the feeling–

that there are some more really cool vintage cards out there somewhere —

If you have any from 1950 or before on this subject,

onne— send me a scan!

Oh, well,
hell,

send me anything you want,

and I’ll find a place for it,

somewhere…. 😀

HOY!

workPS– a note to our regular readers:

I’ve never asked for a million readers —
— or awards —
or to make money on blogging —

I don’t want anything like that.

All I’ve ever wanted was to find a few folks
that could enjoy what I enjoy,
and share some fun and ideas with them.

I have that, here — with you.

— so thank you, every single one of you.

Thanks much for reading, submitting, and supporting the Muscleheaded Blog, y’all.

I appreciate you !!!

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1indian