Hustle Your Bustle

What’s that you say? go

Blue Humor ?

On the
Muscleheaded
Blog ?

Naaaah —

It must be
just in your
dirty mind, right ?

Or is it mine?

Ya see,
I was perusing my
antique postcards
from the early 1900’s
last weekend….

And I couldn’t help
feeling that
a lot of these
old cards
conceal ribald
double-entendres
in their punchlines .

And barely
conceal,
at that.

Maybe that’s why
I like em so much,
but still.

I am sure
of one thing —

They were intended
to put :

A rustle in your bustle.

A clinch in your cinch.

A bee in your brassiere.

A nip in your slip.

Some leer in your lingerie.

A crinkle in your crinoline.

A gasp in your garter…

A coursing in your corset?

Oh,athat
that’s more
than one thing.

Alrighty then..
ahem.

I must say,
even though
I myself,
being a creature
of the internet age,
are accustomed to
much steamier fare,
these cards still stir
the pot for me, too.

I’m not gonna
venture a guess
on why that is…..

You want to
see more, you
you say?

Well why not ,
by jingo.

This next card,
of a couple
cuddling on a couch,
took me a while to figure out —

because as you can see,1911
the caption had mostly faded
into the background.

—— >

But as near as
I can figure,
it reads:

” Well my boy
I’m mighty happy,
That its come
From you at last,b1
Needn’t worry
About the wedding,
For it
Cannot come too fast. “

And he does seem
to be making
pretty good time,
now that you mention it.

I love these things, man.

You can kinda write
your own meaning
into ’em.

Ok, sure,
if you’re all
clean-cut and all,
and you want to thinka1
“oh, they didn’t mean
anything by that”,
you can.

(Hey,
you’re no fun, anymore.)

But, if you’re like me,
you’ll enjoy writing
dirty stories
in your head
to go right
along with em.

I’m all for that.

You could
even post
those dirty stories
in comments

….. if such a notion
should justabehave
suddenly occur
to you, ya know.

I’m even more
all for THAT.

Cause,
if the truth
be told,
life is just too
damned short
not to have all
the sexy fun you can.

So,
— keep up the
good work, man.

.

HOY !!!!!

.

afriend

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The National Past-time of France

You gotta
love the French.

And one of the
main reasons
you gotta love
the French:

— is that when
the French
love something,
they do it up right.

You can see it
in their literature.

You can see it
in their cuisine.

You can see it
in their architecture.

Take a trip down
to the Chartres
Cathedral
and tell me you
can’t see it.

You can see
it in their art.

Take a tour through
the Louvre Museum 1910
and tell me you
can’t feel it right
down to the tile floor
in the Richelieu.

You can feel that
very special vibe
walking though
the streets of
Montmartre.

Taste the food
and the wine
and tell me
you don’t get it —-

And most especially,

the French
LOVE to LOVE.

I’m a big fan of vintage
French postcards,
as you probably know…..baiser

And my
favorite series
had to do with
that very subject.

Kissing,
Lovemaking —
Douce AMOUR.

As the French
would say:

” Que mes baisers soient
les mots d’amour
que je ne te dis pas
. “

( Let my kisses tell you
what my words can’t say.) 

I dunno why we
as Americans
have been so stuffy
about the subject,a2

because I think
the French definitely
have had the right
idea all along.

And they’ve developed
a whole system of
understanding seduction

— and the art of petting —

and the methodology
of doing it well.

Take this vintage
REX French
post-card from
the 1920’s:

Called
Les Baisers d’Amourbaisers
( ” The Kisses of Love ” ) .

There are six varieties
of kisses illustrated,
each with it’s own
special description
of how it feels….

( or perhaps,
it’s end effect, no ?)

In order from
left to right,
top to bottom:

Coaxing
Tender
Ardent
Amorous
Intoxicating
Affectionate

Hey,
that’s some
promising
stuff, huh ?

Despite the fact
that this card
is about a
hundred years old,
it still cuts pretty much
right to the chase, right?

And that’s another
charming aspect
of the French.

They take their
pleasure serious,
very serious indeed.

Makes sense to me, man.
s1

As a further
evidence of this fact,
I present this card –

Called ” Les Baisers
( ” Kisses ” )

this card specifies
more varieties,
– and further illustrations –

for the aspiring
apprentice
in the amorous arts.

It includes:

The Surprise Kiss
The Sincere Kiss
The Lingering Kiss
The Fiery Kiss
The Warm Kiss
The Impassioned Kissa1

(notice they
don’t show you
where the guy’s hands
are on that last one…. )

And, yes —
it does seem like
the combination
of all those kisses
might be working
wonders on the chick
in the rose-colored
dress.

It’s amazing whatbaisers
one can learn from
postcards, ya know..

Like how all
this chemistry
comes together —

Le Langage
Des Baisers
” —

The Language of Kisses “,
explains how :

Kisses of happiness
brings about blushing of cheeks
Lovers kisses slowly
build to a powerful arousal
Kisses on the neck makes us fools
(for love)
— and after that —
Lips united in infinite ecstasy. 

YOW.

And of course,
as we all know,

Love is something
that’s good
anytime of the year.

Just consult
Le Langage des Nuits

When spring comes along
It can be very exhilarating
And it can pass away
Just as intenselynuits

When the summer passes
One last kiss
Marks love’s ending
With the rising sun

Wild autumn nights
So full of passion
Astonishing the heart
With so much happiness

The winter nights are mild
When, for heat,
Mouth to mouth
Meet for a long kiss a4

.

I just hope the
native
French speakers
among you
will pardon me for the
shortcomings of my
high school French-class
-level translations……..

But the rest of you
certainly get the idea.

So, like I said —

The French absolutely
love the acts of love.

And who can
blame ’em?

HOY !!!!!

a3

And remember –

Le prix d’Amour, c’est seulement Amour,
Il faut aimer si l’on veut être aimé.

.
.
.

Off To The Races

Depending on who
you are, where
you’re from, and
what you like to
watch;

– you may call it
the “Sport of Kings”,
“Feeling The Thunder”,
“The Wall Of Death”,
“The Grand Prix” or
the “Triple Crown ”
— and it’s all
just racin’.

Around here,
when somebody
says “racin”
they usually
mean NASCAR –
– but that is
changing.

It could have somethin’
to do with obnoxious
spoiled drivers,
insane ticket prices,
rich team owners who
only care about
making a buck, and
the wall to wall
product placement….

Yeah, I recognize
there’s a huge
difference between
an experienced jockey
setting down on a
3 year old thoroughbred
named something like
Bodacious Tatas “,
( from the Kentucky
Derby – 1985),
Barely Legal
( from two different
Kentucky Derbies,
1982 and 1989 )
or ” Junk In The
Trunk
” ( K.D. 2000 )

and strapping yourself
into a NASCAR 800
Horsepower stock car
with those idiotic
advertising stickers
all over it…

(although that cutesy
pie ‘name’ thing
might be just NASCAR
needs to recapture
some of it’s audience.)

The same goes for
riding a MotoGP bike
on the edge at 250 MPH;
or chasing a disembodied
enemies’ head wrapped
in old gauze across the
desert on the back
of a camel.

Just cause you can
race one thing don’t
mean you can race
another.

But you do got
plenty of choices.

You don’t even
need a machine or
an animal –
you can get a
racing airplane drone,
or you can just run
your ass off on the
track like Jessie Owens.

Hey, who didn’t want
one of them there
‘slot car’ tracks when
they were a kid, and
you can definitely have
a blast running those
HO Railroad trains side
by side.

Yep, and all of it
is called “Racing” –
it’s been a popular
past time for as long
as there’s been
peeples and stuff
to race with/against.

You would be absolutely
amazed at what folks
have used to pursue
their need for speed –
– just a list of the
animal powered stuff
would take up a couple
pages.

However,
just so’ze you know
I’m not shortin’ you
on that-

Consider this short list :
Lobster Racing,
Crab Racing,
Frog Racing,
Buffalo Racing
(sans the wings)
Dog Racing (all sorts
including Poodle Racing),
Pigeon Racing,
Snail Racing,
and of course,
everybody’s favorite
one at the North Carolina
State Fair every year–
Pig Racing.

And once you switch
over to peeple-powered
stuff, you can choose
from hundreds of
varieties in some
general categories
like: Running,
Walking,
Orienteering,
Swimming,
Bicycling,
Skiing,
Sledding,
Kayaking,
Bobsliding,
Canoeing,
Snowboarding,
Surfing, ….

Hell, there’s even
a big tournament
for Marble Racing.

Yep.

Kinda low impact,
but if you’re
into it, I guess….

Should you wish
a machine to propel
you –
(makes sense to me),
you can choose to
race a truck, car,
motorcycle, moped,
ATV, snowmobile,
a Go Cart, speedboat,
a sailing yacht ….

Man, they even
race lawn-mowers.

I wonder if I can
convince somebody
that my lawn would
make a good place
to practice every
week or two……

!!! HOY !!!

.

.

 

 

Friday Mailbag

Yawn.

I’ve been
thinking….

We’ve got to find
a new way of
greeting our
visitors to the
Muscleheaded
Blog …..

… the whole
” Hi Ya ”
thing is wearing
a bit thin,
ya know.

What do ya think
of something like:

” ‘Ello, gov’nor! “

Too poncey?

Yeah, maybe
you’re right.

What about :

” Hyvää päivää! “

Sure, I agree that
there might not
be a whole lotta
Finnish people
out there reading
this thing…..

” Howzit Hangin? “,

So maybe there is
an inference that
cojones are a
prerequisite for
our readers, and
that’s not at all
true…..

” Whats Cookin’ “

I guess that’d work
better if we wuz a
food blog.

” Howdy Pardner “,

Naahhh—
I don’t even
own a 10 gallon hat.

” Χρόνια και ζαμάνια!”

Nope-
all Greek to me.

” Ahoy, Matey “,

Ok, well, being a
Navy guy, I’m fine
with nautical references,
although that’s more
Captain Hook than
Admiral Nimitz.

” ‘Sup, Homeslice “,

I dunno….
maybe I need to
work on the tonality
of that one a bit
more….

” What’s Kickin’,
Little Chicken ” ,

Definitely a
front runner.

” Good Day, Ay ” ,

Bob and Doug
would be proud.

” Whazzup ” ,

I can imagine
using that phrase
as an opening for
a best-man’s speech
at a wedding, but….

” Hey Ya Honeybunch” ,

Too Personal?

or maybe just :

” Go Bhfuil Do Dhath
Gruaige Nádúrtha? “

Oh yeah….
That’s sure
to work.

Alright then…..

Now that we’ve
got the whole
salutations thing
out of the way………

Damn;
We’ve run
outta time.

Alright, so….
See Ya.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Rink Me Baby

rinkIt was absolutely
beautiful around
here this week.

Too damn
beautiful to cook.

Too damn
beautiful
to do any work.

Hell,a2
….. it’s too damn
beautiful
to take a shower.

Oh sure,
I know,
— excuses,
excuses.

( I know what
you’re thinking —
but it’s never
too beautiful
to ride my
motorcycle, so-)

Since my brain seems
so obviously off-line,

…… we’re diggingImage result for vintage roller skating humor
deep into the back
of the ole reminiscences
part of the subconscious
to to pull out something
that’s going to have
to serve as subject
for today’s post.

Let’s see what
we got in here.

Hmmmm…

Oh, ok, maybe
not that one, because
we’re trying to avoid
an “X” rating.

Alrighty,
well —

I’ve always found skating1
roller skating
an enjoyable,
relaxing sport

— good exercise
with plenty
of interesting
potentials
for adventure–

And so did folks
in the early 1900’s,
apparently.skate

Ok–

Maybe the old style
hokey organ music
isn’t all that listenable ….

But one cannot help
but make new friends
and acquaintances
while skating,

and the unpredictable
opportunities
for illicit/semi-innocentskating
bodily contact abound.

When all else failed,
you always had
something to watch,
anyway.

Those old rinks with
the wooden boards,
in particular, had spots
in them that would trip up
even the most experienced
of skaters —

In 1970’s Ocala, Florida
there was a great
old vintage rink
that I would frequently visit
for just that reason —

Mostly,
doing the old S.W.W.–
Sitting,
Watching,
and Waiting.hattrick

One only had to
pick your spot
and wait for the fun.

But when/if someone did
hit the floor,
— literally,

the wood floor was much
more forgiving than the
concrete floors of today.

So, it wasn’t actually much
like sadism at all, really,
as much as it sounds like it.

Yes, we did have the advantage
of shorter skirts on the girls,

And I certainly did/do
appreciate that —

But there was
also just
something
very special
about a wooden
skating floor,

…. no doubt
about it.

I don’t ever
remember
calling it ‘rinking’ ,
however.awed

And,
just how does a
roller-wedding
work, exactly?

That seems
to have also
been a trend
back then.

With This Rink
I Do Wed ?

I guess Alice Cooper knew
something about it, after all.

.

HOY !!!

.

aglorianord

Trippin In The Mind’s Eye

Despite the realities
of the situation,

– ( being too busy
at work to even
think about getting
out of town ) –

my mind is spending
a couple of well
earned days at
a beach resort.

I have to say,
when I’m not
too busy to tune in….

It looks like there’s
beautiful and friendly
half nekkid ladies
everywhere, the
weather is absolutely
perfect, the sand is
cool and clean, the
water is a Honolulu-like
71 degrees, with 6-8
foot curls in case my
subconscious wants
to do a bit o’ brain
surfin.

The good part of
such a mind-deal
vacation is that you
never have to worry
about who you’re
sitting next to on
the plane, or how
lame the restaurants
are there, or carrying
the right kinda
sun-block with ya.

You can play your
music as loud as
you want, and the
people on the
next blanket never
complain or let
their kids kick
sand all over
your stuff.

The mini-bar at
the resort is always
stocked with lots
of ice cold Duvel
Belgian Ale, and
the view from the
patio is a panoramic
scene of the world’s
most stunning nude
beach.

There’s always room
in the hot-tub, and
nobody’s ever turned
it up to 130, or spilled
their pina-colada in
there.

Hey-
you want
room service?

The pretty lady who
delivers it is just the
right level of flirtatious
and accommodating
without making you
feel like you’ve
unintentionally
become part of a
nationwide vice
entrapment
operation.

The fucking hotel
elevator even works
– every time.

The nightlife
is jammin‘ !

– and they turn off the
lights and noise when
you’re ready for bed.brass

The bad part,
of course,
is that you’re
actually still
at the office
until 4 in the
morning ‘catching
up’ on work that
never really will
be caught up
upon.

And, no matter
how good your
imagination is,
the endless
nightmare
that is
Charlotte traffic
will be sure to
drive you back
to your senses
way too soon
for your liking.

I mean,
fantasy
can only
take you
so far,
ya know?

.

!!! HOY !!!

.

 

Coastin From Coast To Coast

You know,
it’s that time
of year, again.

Warm breezes,
scents of sea,
and sunny
days –

evoke certain
feelings and
urges inside
a young man.

Yep.

Time to ride
the coaster.

Roller Coaster,
that is.

I guess it’s fair
to say that not
everybody likes
coasters like I do,
which is fine,
because anything
that keeps the line
down so I can go
again is fine.

I’m not saying
I understand it,
though.

Cause —

No matter
what you call it :

The Flash,
Scenic Railway,
Safety Coaster,
Wild Mouse,
American Eagle,
Loop The Loop,
Accelerator,
The Mean Streak,
Figure 8,
Intimidator,
The Tickler,
Fury 325,
Lightning Rod,
Virginia Reels,
The Beast,
Steel Dragon,
Dip The Dips,
The Flyer ,
Cyclone Racer,
Thunderbolt,
The Greyhound……

No matter
what type of
coaster you like:

Wooden,
Big Drop,
Steel Track,
Flume,
Stand Up,
Sit Down,
Inverted,
Suspended,
High G,
High Speed,
Vintage …….

No matter
your riding style :

Just Hold On,
Scream Yer
Lungs Out,
Wave Yer Arms,
Grab Yer Girl,
Duck & Cover,
Front Seat,
Back Seat ….

and no
matter
where
you ride it:

Cedar Point,
Wildwood ,
Coney Island,
Jax Beach,
Kings Dominion,
Busch Gardens,
Carowinds,
Six Flags ,
Ocean City,
Long Beach,
Parc Astérix,
Lake Winnie ……

Oh sure,
I have my
personal
favorites, as
I guess any
coaster fan
has —

I particularly love
riding vintage
wooden coasters,
especially if they
were made by
the Philadelphia
Tobaggan Company…

And if they
happen
to be beside
the seaside,

– like on a
Boardwalk,
for instance,

well, I’ll be as
happy as a clam.

Hey,
you might like
those tubular giants
that roll and zip along
around a 100 MPH at
one of those mega
amusement parks.

Yep,
there’s a coaster
for just about
anybody.

I guess what
I’m sayin is
this :

Wherever,
whatever,
however …..

You just
gotta love it.

Buy your ticket,
and enjoy the ride.

!!! HOY !!!

.

.