Life Can Be Beachy

Man, do
I miss the

I grew up in South
Florida, and I rarely
took advantage of
the opportunity,
despite living within
5 or 10 miles of all
kinds of great beaches –

— now that I live in
the Piedmont of
North Carolina, I’m
too far away from the
coast to just casually
go anytime I want to.

I was kinda reminiscing
about that out loud in
the gym yesterday,
as one of the guys
asked if I had learned
to surf while I was
living down there….

No, of course,
surfing in Florida
is much like mountain
climbing down there –
– if you can find a hill
a wave big enough
to suit you-
good luck to you.

As I recall, the highest
elevation in the State
was an arched bridge
on the Florida turnpike,
and aside from during
hurricanes, you’ll never
see a wave over 5 feet.

(Remind me to
tell you about the
time I had a spare
tire from another
guys’ trailer bouncing
along with me on the
side of that bridge
going 60 MPH
during a hurricane. )

So, anyway,
better to save your
big board aspirations
for the Golden State
or Hawaii…..

— you got a better
chance of hanging
yourself on seaweed
than hanging ten
down there.

Still —
there are beaches
in the Sunshine State
that can compete
with the beauty of
anywhere else’s
beaches –

— many of them are
hidden away , far
from the hub-bubhop
of Daytona Beach,
hurly-burly of
or the hum-drum
hubris of Miami

(but, I gotta say,
if you like Deco,
Miami Beach is the
place to see it )nf

Places like
Captiva Island,
Bahia Honda Key,
Naples Beach,
or St. George Island.

I like St. Augustine’s
small town vibe, too.

Like the song says:

” I’ve still got
sand in my shoes, 
And I can’t shake
the thought of you 
I should get on,
forget you 
But why would
I want to? “


!!! HOY !!!


Travel Week: What I Did On My Summer Vacation

here on the world’s
least famous blog !


How in the hell
should I know-
it just is.

Get with the
program, man.


It’s hard to explain,
but when you’re a
Southerner visiting
certain places Up Nawth,
you sometimes get the
feeling that your
North Carolina plate
or accent is getting
you nothing but dirty
looks and a hard time.

We pride ourselves
down here
at giving
visitors a heapin’
helpin of hospitality —

But it ain’t
that way for us .


I’m probably just
imagining things.

I mean, that guy
in the gas station
near Thuro,
didn’t just ask
me in a mock
Southern accent
whether I had
lost my mule,
did he?

yes, he did.


The only thing
funny about it
was him thinking
I wouldn’t crush
his skull for him –
which turned out
to be right- but
he had no way of
knowing I don’t get
mad in front of the

And we had 12 days
just like that there.

Oh, lovely.

I think that’s where
Sister Mary Elephant
was from, too.

I did enjoy the
glass museum in
actually a nice
little town.

Anyhoo —
many folks like
spending time on
Cape Cod , so for
them , I say
Have At It ” –
the beaches aren’t
that great, the folks
aren’t that friendly,
and you can’t find a
decent meal on the
whole damn peninsula.

And so to
I always say at
the Sunday
dinner table when
someone declines
seconds —
“MFM –
more for me
“More For Them”.

!!! HOY !!!

Knowing Not

Taking writing
classes can become
something of a habit,
if you let them.

At least,
I find it to be so.

Not that I apply
much of anything
I learn to my posts
here on the
Muscleheaded Blog –

– it seems
like I can
only write
this thing
from that special
with the off-pitch
with which
it’s been
produced for
oh so, zso
many years –

– if I try
and work
at being all
all I get is mulch.

And not
the good
kinda mulch
that helps
gardens grow,
either –

– more the
kinda mulch
that they dig out
with tractors
and throw it
on the rubbish to
keep it all from
blowing away.

But there’s
one piece
of advice
I’ve heard
over the
years, and
I’ve worked
at applying –
” Write What You Know “.

Which maybe
explains, to
some extent,
anyway, why
the Muscleheaded
Blog is written
on what could
be a 3rd grade
level –
– cause I don’t know
anything much.

Don’t get me
wrong here…
I’ve studied a lot –
but it’s like some
really smart guy
once said to me –
( It might have been
Joseph Campbell ) ;
” Learning just teaches
me how little that
I really 
know. “

And if
Mr. Campbell
didn’t think
knew much,
what chance
have I got ,
I ask you?


I’m violating
another one
of the principles
of good
this morning….

Because I’m
typing stuff
that’s completely
off topic from
where I thought
I was going
with today’s

Yet again.

But since I already
have written most
of it, I guess I’ll just
cut to the punchline
of what should have
been the point :

Never ask a question
for which you don’t
really want to know
the answer to.

never end
your sentences
with a


!!! HOY !!!

Krampusing Our Style

A couple of years
ago, I posted a
neat-o thing
on the whole
known as

If you
enough to
missed it,
you can still
see that
super terrific
post right here.

It’s just jam
packed with
cool Krampus
cards and facts
about the holiday.


I thought maybe
we’d update you
on the local parties
and bring you some
Krampus cards that
we’ve found since
that thing went to

that is.

Krampus weekend
in 2018 is Saturday,
December 01, and
all the parties listed
are on that date
unless otherwise

If your city
ain’t listed,
that doesn’t
mean that
you’re outta
lucky and there
no party —

— just chalk
it up to
our general
and ask around.

Or start your
own, man.

And then,
lemme know
so I can
list it !

So, back to
Krampus 2018:
for more info,
contact the links
listed !

New Orleans’s
Krampus Krewe
will be
hitting the streets
in the Quarter
December 01.

Savannah’s yearly
Krampus Krawl
will begin
around 5 PM.

Washington DC’s
parade will start
marching down
H-Street at 5 PM.

Los Angeles’ annual
Krampus Ball will be
Alpine Village in

Krampus Pub Crawl
will be on Saturday
December 08 at
NoDa .

Krampus Ball is
slated for December
08 near Union Park,
but there’s also other
K-themed events, so
check the site.

Parade of Spirits
will be at
Liberty Lands
Park on Saturday,
December 15.

Austin’s “Krampus-
Haunted Christmas”
will be the weekend
of December 8-9.

Denver hosts the
annual Krampus
theme at the
Carnivale De
Sensuale on the

If we missed one
of your favorites-

( or a thousand,
for all we know )

– drop us a line and
include a link for
information on the

I’d also like to
thank our
various generous
contributors that
have submitted
cards over the
last couple years
that made another
post on the subject
possible and fun.

It’s really
how many
cards there
are out 
and if/when
we get more –
we’ll certainly
post em !


We’re nothing
if we’re not
around here,
ya know.


!!! HOY !!!


here’s a
little bonus…………………………..


Fishing For Cats

A friend and I were
trading emails a
couple of days ago,
when she used an
internet-age term
with which, for one
reason or another,
I had completely
forgotten about –

Oh sure, I’ve actually
people who have
had the experience of
finding out that their
prize winning internet
catch was nothing more
than a mud-bogging
cat fish in blue-fin tuna

I think the reason I put
it out of my mind was
because the concept
seems so ….
well, dated,

These days, anything
and I mean, anything
you want to know about
a prospective hotcha that
you meet on the internet
should be out there to
verify somewhere, if you
know how/where to look.

My daughter was texting
back and forth with a dude
who had made claims to
being this, and doing that,
having served in a certain
special-ops unit, and
currently working for a
high-level company in a
certain endroit-magnifique
in Europe.

I, being
Numero-Uno checked on it
and -voila- ten minutes later,
he turned out to be some
Jerry Jerkwater from a little
podunk in Arkansas – who’s
probably never left his
mother’s garage
(where he lives ), never mind
having served overseas.

Hey, if you want to play a
character on the internet,
fine with me, but don’t
misrepresent yourself in
a way that you’re gonna
end up hurting someone
when they find out who
you really are.

( If you end up hurting
my daughter- well,
woe be to you, my friend,
woe be to you. )

And, let’s face it –
they are gonna find
out eventually, man.

Be yourself, and then,
if they don’t like you,
well fuck em.

Being somebody else
just means they’ll end up
the same place, only with
good reason.

Still, by observation,
I think I can suggest
a few things that ya
perspective Corydoras
might be able to safely
claim ……

Hey, don’t tell me
you can leg press
600 pounds, unless
you’re ready to show me.
However, if you said you
could vaporize me with
one whiff of your breath,
I bet I wouldn’t even try
to get confirmation on it.


From Outer Space.
You really could be an
alien, and there ain’t a
fucking thing I can do
to prove you’re not.
You probably are.


A Reformed
Such and Such.
A lot of women are
suckers for guys who
are needy losers.
Claim to be a former
psychotropic insect
user who has mended
his ways and now seeks
to enlighten those who
still chew up and swaller
dung beetles for a
cheap high, and you’ll
be not only popular
but free from all
meddling into
your past.


Time Traveller.
Speaking of past,
you could be from
10,000 B.C. and
using a time machine.
You better bone up on
your history, first,


Psychic Powers .
Man, it seems like
a whole lotta
to me, in general.
But, on the other
hand, if you say that
you can see 100 years
into the future, whom
am I to say you’re a liar?


A Reincarnated
King or Queen. 
I’ve noticed that
everybody who ever
says they’ve been
reincarnated was
some big shot in a
previous life……
… and in fairness,
no matter how much
checking I’m willing to
do on the deal, I’m still
gonna have to give
you the benefit of
a 0.1% doubt.


Multiple Personalities. 
Hey, it worked
for Sybil, right ?

!!! HOY !!!


Home Cooking

motherI always enjoy
giving my mother
on the phone
a hard time about
how good (or not)
of a cook she was
back when I was a kid.

( It’s her birthday month,
and so she’ll be ready
for a drive-by call
from me any day now. )

if I were
to admit it,
she did make
some pretty
good stuff –
along with the
occasional disaster.

But, seeing how
most modern families
seem to operate these
days, I must say that I
really do appreciate
her and how she
was always busy
trying to make her
family happy.

And every once
in a while, while I’m
razzing her on the
phone about such
stuff, I’ll also remind
her of how lucky I
know I was to have
had a mom who
really cared.

I just don’t do it
enough that it’ll
go to her head,
ya know.


It woulda been
hard to imagine,
considering how
difficult a kid I was,
to foresee a day
when my Mom
wouldn’t have
mentioned 272 of
my worst flaws and
gaffes to counter the
few that I could come
up with for her.

She must believe
that in the end,
that I turned
out ok,

— and she’ll
settle for that.

Cause I know
she hasn’t forgotten.

And no matter
how much I kid her,
I haven’t forgotten


🙂  ❤   🙂

A Trip To The Friday Mail Bag Warehouse

there !

Jump aboard…

Let’s head
on down that
lonesome road
a piece….

— we’ll turn
up the

… and see if we can
dig us up some
trouble at our
secluded and secret
Science Lab and
Vintage Postcard
Warehouse atop
Mount Charlotte.

Listen –
I’m busy steering….

so, just flash
the guard
at the gate
your ID …

….. or somethin.

I don’t know
what you showed
him, but he sure got
that gate open quick.

I couldn’t hear what
he was sayin because
of my helmet, but he
sure looked excited.


If you look to your
left, you’ll see the
pier space where
we developed our
famous concrete boat

And if you look hard
as we pass the lake
you might still be
able to see what
remains of those
things —

— if the water
is clear enough .

We’re thinking
a lighter material
might be called for,
next time —

— maybe

Our gantry for the
Rocket program
is to your right…….

— who knew that
combining Mentos
with Diet Pepsi
wouldn’t result in
enough propulsion
to lift a 200 ton

what a mess.

Oh well,
we’ve got enough
Mentos leftover for
Halloween, anyway.

here we are….

Prepare yourself to
behold the wondrous
mysteries that are the
Muscleheaded Warehouse .

Hand me
the keys, willya ?


… whatdaya mean you
don’t have the keys ?

Didn’t I
give ’em t…….


Reach around and
check the saddlebags —
there’s probably some
old post cards in there.

Oh good.

how about
we go cool
our jets with
a burger and a
large bag o fries
at the 5 Guy?

My treat.

!!! HOY !!!