FUN with Razor Blades


A couple weeks ago,
I referenced one of my more ‘notorious’ posts
to a friend —

— only to then find 
that somehow it had
evaporated into
thin blog-space.

I was bum-fuzzled
to say the least.

I couldn’t find the
damn thing anywhere.

Then, I realized that I had
gotten a complaint about
it a while back, and had
tagged it as a draft until
I could get some time to
look at it and edit it,
if that was deemed necessary.

Well, I don’t remember
just what the hell the
complaint was, exactly,
and I’m not all that
much on changing my blog
up every Tom, Dick or
Mary, Mary Quite Contrary
doesn’t like something I said,

so, since it’s been AWOL
for a while, here’s my
(unedited) take on
” Fun With Razor Blades “.

by the way–

if you think that introduction
was long, wait until you read
the one that went with the post.

Just sayin.


Several years ago,
I was a member of
what was then
called a “Blog Ring”.

Basically, it was a
bunch of bloggers
who would draw a
random subject and
write about it.

It’s a matter of luck
on what subject you get —-

It was computer generated,a1
so it could be anything from
Vladimir Nabikov to Boris Badenov.

And optimally,
you’d like to draw a subject
that had some meat on the bone, ya know?

( I always wanted to do
one on Natasha, personally…
……. she was such a
naughty little razor girl ,
and you know how wild those exotic
Eastern European women can get. )


this time, I drew ‘shaving‘.

Well, the group was made upsquare
of mostly conservative, serious minded writers,

( otherwise known as squares
— strictly Rubic’s cubes, man. )

and the moderator had become quite fond of
editing my posts for content.

So —-

I couldn’t help having
a little bit of fun with it,
….. despite the rather
negative reaction
I knew would be
quickly forthcoming.

Well, to make a short, sad story
even shorter and sadder,complaints
…… this is the post that got me
officially banned from the blog-ring.

that oughta count for SOMETHIN’ !!!!

rather than throw it in the digital garbage can,
I decided to bore my regular readers with it.


(editors’ note: finally, right?)

It’s called:

Fun With Razor Blades ashave

So…. the blogring
wants a primer
on how to shave , huh?

Well, your Ole Uncle Nuts
is here to answer all them
complicated questions you may have.

And the first one
is probably the most important one of all…

To shave, or not to shave?

I’m not knocking beards.a6

I wore one for a long time,
while in the Navy,
and then after.

I might still be wearing one,
but it started coming in all gray like.

And I’m too young to look like
I’m not too young to be gray.

But, beards can be mucho macho.

After all, in many cultures,
a beard is a sign of virility- of power – of masculinity.

bUnless you’re a girl.

Then, it might earn ya
a coupla thousand a
year in the side show.

And those ‘No-No’ thingees
are so expensive, ya know.

In Afganistan, for instance,
you wouldn’t get very far with the natives
if you didnt have a nice bushy beard….

They look at foreigners without one
the same way we look at guys a1
dressed up in a silk saree and 3″ heels.

Hey, I guess it could be
a good look on some folks.


It wasn’t all that many years ago in the West,
that all Victorian and Edwardian age men
who wanted to impress wore em…

Somehow, though…
the beard has lost it’s
appeal in western culture.

I think the decline in
popular standing
started with the beatnik era,
when a beard represented a symbol of the
abandonment of 50’s
materialistic values,
in favor of the bongo,
the wool pullover,
and beat poetry.

and free love.

( 1 outta 4 aint bad, anyway…)

Don’t bug me, man…maynard
this dump is downsville…
… ya dig?

Ok, you get the idea.

beards got a kinda bad rap…
…. as indicative of a slovenly, lazy, untrustworthy individual.

Think about that Maynard G Krebs character
from the old Dobie Gillis TV show,
and you get the idea.

( I liked the guy, myself. )

In the 60’s and 70’s,
the only ones who could still wear one
and not be affected in some way by this kind of prejudice
were intellectuals and sailors.

zzOh, and ZZ Top, of course.

Today, beards are kinda making a comeback.

Some guys wear em to balance out
that shaved-head look so many wanna-be tough guys are wearing…

Other guys figure it’s some help
in covering up an
otherwise-painfully obvious double, triple or invisible chin.

Still others do the ‘three day old beard’ look…
how they keep that shrubbery trimmed backa4
to that three day stubble is beyond me.

But you wanna shave.
Ok by me.

There’s definitely a science involved here.

Shaving any part of your body requires careful movement –
— heaven knows….
….. sometimes VERY careful movement….

— but shaving your face also requires you
to coordinate the movement of your face with the movement of the blade.

The Blade

Very few guys use a straight razor anymore.
This is a skill set that has a very SHARP learning curve….

You will bleed like a stuck pig
on Elvis’s birthday
for the entire first year
while you’re learning to use one of these.

It is great for scaring your little sister half to death,
but that’s about the only real practical use,
considering the readily available alternatives.

The next option is a ‘safety’ razor.

safety_razorThis uses a replaceable razor blade,
and is the kind your dad probably used.

Very cheap to use,

but these are getting harder and harder to find,
and limited to one cutting edge at a time.

Your best option is the twin blade disposable ….

Maybe ecologically it is a disaster.

But using it is easy as throwing up at a Miley Cyrus concert,
and gives a nice, close shave.


Get some nice hot water ready,a
and go ahead and dunk your face in it.

This is an important step,
because hot water makes your skin pliable,

opens your pores,

and exposes more hair for the blade.

Also, the soap will adhere better,

and the blade will glide over your face easier.

In other words, do it.

Now you can apply the shaving soap or lather.

Me, I like to use soap-

You don’t have to use anything fancy,
although I don’t recommend LAVA …

cIrish Spring is great.

If you’re one of those guys who wants to spend five bucks
for stuff in a can that looks like whipped creme
but don’t taste a bit like it,
well, knock yerself out.

It’s the same basic thing as soap,
but if it makes ya feel good, hey-

………… who am I to tell ya how to waste yer money, right?

The exception here would be you rich mooks
who have all the money in the world.lather

In your case, you can go out
and buy one of those fancy
schmanzy ‘hot lather’ machines…

there’s nothing that feels nicer
when you’re shaving than some
nice, warm, soothing, moisturizing lather…

… mmmmm… yeah baby…

but I can’t afford one of them things.

If you can, go buy one.

( I hope you choke on it. )a5


Don’t go ape shit
on the soap or lather,
you only need enough
to create a lubrication barrier
between you
and those very sharp pieces of steel
you’re gonna scrape your face with.

The more you use,
the more stuff is gonna back up in the razor.

That’s when you really start cutting
the shy-et outta yer face…
’cause you end up pressing harder.

Shavin yer face d

You should apply a minumum of force on the razor.

Let it do the work.

Bring the blade against the direction of growth.

Since this ‘grain’ direction changes all over your face,
you must pay close attention,

Facial hair on the cheeks and throat
tends to grow downward and sideways,
— while hair on the side, neck,
and around the lip, more diagonally.

In general terms, a3
use upward strokes for everything under the chin line,
downward for everything above the chin line.

It will help to lift the skin around certain areas as you shave,
around the lip and chin,
and especially where you have any areas of
….. errrr, …. let’s say… extra skin.

Take smooth, even strokes, one at a time,
and rinse your razor after every stroke.

And don’t forget the back of your neck and your ears.

Yeah, I know….

that’s for geezers like me ….

………. well, you ain’t gonna
be 29 forever, dickweed.

Shaving Mister Happy ha

I know you were wondering
if I was gonna mention this.

And of course, knowing me,
you knew I would.

So here’s the story.

Some guys wonder
if / why they should shave Mister Happy.

After all, it seems like the last thinga1111
you want around that part of your body
is anything wicked sharp.

Remember Lorena Bobbitt?

But, there are several good reasons to do it.

For one,
you’ll never persuade your girl friends
to do it if you’re not willing to do it………

Aren’t you a little tired of fishing
those little red hairs
out of the back of yer throat by now??

Second, once you get used to doing it,
it might actually be the high point of some weeks.

Third, women prefer a shaved area aa
when performing ………….
—- umm….. ,,
certain activities involving the tongue and mouth.

The area is easier and quicker to clean,
and smells better.
The end result will be –
you get more of the stuff you want.

‘Cause she’s kinda tired of fishing out little hairs too……

Fourth, and my favorite-
— the sensitivity of your pubic skin
to touch, warmth, and wetness goes way, way up.

The downside is you got to use skin conditioner on the area,
— and you get sweaty down there easier….a1
— cause there’s no hair to be sopping it up anymore.

Big whoop.

Once you feel the difference,
you’ll be breaking out the Irish Spring and the blade….
…….. or better yet, get a pretty volunteer or two to do it for ya.

Have a shaving party!
Invite your friends and coworkers.
Make it BYOR.
Bring yer own razor.

But don’t invite that cretin
down the street who’s been blocking your mailbox.

As far as execution is concerned
(sorry, probably the wrong choice of words, there…)

it’s really no different
than shaving your face, with two exceptions.

One- If you haven’t done it for a coupla weeks,
or ever

preliminary weed-wacking is a must. a11

Lets face it-
you wouldn’t try to mow the long grass
on a vacant lot without bushhogging it first, would ya?

Take it down as short as you can without snipping off something important.

Don’t use a bush hog here…
….. scissors or a trimmer will be sufficient.

Two- you can’t see most of the area in question,
so you gotta go by feel.

This is one place
you don’t want to be cheap with the lather.a21

Actually, if you use too much,
you may forget what you’re doing altogther,
— but this is a risk worth taking.

Rinse your razor constantly.

Be slow and deliberate with your strokes
especially when shaving the boys.

Go down as low as you want,
but unless you’re gonna shave yer legs, too,
don’t shave in the slot between your leg and pelvis.

If this is your first time,
or it’s been a while,
then treat the area like a new tattoo..
Keep it moist, and use some
triple antibiotic on it, so it don’t break out.

The skin will adjust
to the shaving after
a while, and you won’t
get the irritation anymore.

Shaving other stuffa111

I do shave my chest,
and when a pretty volunteer
is available, my back too.

— That’s just so I don’t look like Magilla Gorilla in a tank top.

It’s pretty easy,
and the skin in these areas adjusts quickly to the razor.

Some muscleheads shave their legs, too..
they say it brings out the muscle definition.

I tried it once,
and I gotta say,
it wasn’t worth the effort.
Man, that was serious work.
You should thank your
little hottie everytime
she does it.

If you are gonna do this,
be sure you got plenty of
time on your hands.

You’re really gonna love trying
to get the back of your thighs and calves.

It also helps to have a nice tan,
otherwise, it’ll look like
you got Birch stumps fer legs.

And get ready to bleed.


Hey – have fun!


Take The Magic Carpet Ride

a3I got a very nice
little letter
from a new reader
who asked
me some questions
about motorcycling —

Does one get too old
to learn how to ride one?

How hard is it?

What are the things
to look out for when riding?

How does one know
what they need
on a motorcycle?

Despite the fact that
the issues she asked
about are a bit more
than can usually be
answered on a single
blog post,

I think I have showna8
in the past an
absolute talent
for completely
even the most
complicated of subjects….

So I guess I’m the
man for the job.


I started riding
motorcycles when
I was 13 —
(my parents knew NOTHING
about it, and lucky thing, too)

I was doing handyman type
chores and babysitting
(yes, I was babysitting —
hey, I needed gas money)
for a couple that lived
in my neighborhood,
and the lady of the house
took a liking to me,
and let me take
their early 70’s era
Suzuki 500 motorcycle
out on occasion.
(It was red, of course)

She figured it wasn’t
hard (to ride),
and what harm
could I do in the end?

I figured that I’d
just learn on the go.

And both of us turned out
to have had the completely
wrong idea.

(Although one or two
of her other ideas
I totally enjoyed)

But, I didn’t wreck
the bike or anything.

And it wasn’t powerful enough
for me to go really ape with it.

Just enough to scare
the living beee-jeeezus
out of me several hundred times.

And I guess what
I’m getting at herea31
is that,
no matter how you learn:

whether it be in a riding class,

or you just decide to wing it
in the off hours of the
Wally World parking lot,
you’re facing a steep
learning curve as it is,
so bring plenty
of cojonic audacity,
and start to learn on
something small and light.
(it’ll be cheaper to replace)

I don’t really see age
as a limitation,

although I do know chef
Alton Brown, who was
famous for riding his m/c’s
back and forth to his Atlanta
area studios recently decided
to quit riding saying that he
didn’t feel comfortable
with the age-related loss
of reaction time and
situational awareness.

But, anyone familiar with Alton
also knows how anal
the guy can seem about things —apol
all things
and motorcycles
aren’t really going
to keep one in any
kind of comfort
zone most of the time,

I don’t blame him,
but as for me,
I’d rather be the guy with the pickle
riding off the mountain
when it’s time to me to GO .

And if you don’t
get that reference,
you’re obviously not a biker.


I think most motorcycle
dealers these days
will give you a referral
to a local training class —
those classes are usually 4-6 Saturdays leading up to
getting a m/c license or such.

They do them at
the Police Academy here,s
on a specially designed course,
and I will often spin by
and watch the fun
on my way home
from the gym.

Some people have no business on a
— ever —grannie

But you
(and everyone else)
will know who
they are
right away
in a class like that.

They usually either flunk out
or no-show on the second class,
so, no worries.

Is it difficult to ride?
Naaaaaaah. Eazy Peeezy.a

Is it difficult to ride well ?
Oh man, damn sure, it is.

You got no idea how difficult.

So what’s to be done?

Which means
and Ride.

You must learn
to be totally bug
comfortable with:
the throttle,
and all the safety equipment.

(not to mention, bugs in your teeth, pebbles smacking you in the leg, sand in your eyes, birds flying into you, and so many assorted goodies like that …… )

Do me a favor, though —a35

Forget where
the horn switch is —
— if you’re in a situation
where you’re tempted to
use it, you should instead
be totally focused on
slowing, stopping, evasion,
and balance —
beeping your horn
takes a measure of biker
valuable time and
attention away from
you at the
exact time you need
all of it.

You really need to
be able to operate
every piece of your
bike blindfolded.

(just don’t try it)


In an emergency,
there is absolutely
NO TIME to look
for your kill switch,
choke, high beams,
or your gas toggle.

You must learn where
your sled’s center of
gravity is, and how to
use it to control your bike.

And you need to be able
to stop and turn on a dime.

Otherwise, you might as
well change your name
to Parto D. Pavement.

Cause people in cars have
4 solid walls around
them when they’re driving,
and, though either ignorance,
or maybe they just
don’t give a fuck —
they usually drive like it.

What’s a little dent on
a fender to them, after all?

But a collision —
— any collision —
to a motorcycle rider
is potentially life threatening.

No four walls.
Just hard concrete.

So YOU must learn
to read their little minds —
to drive defensively,
and to always assume
the ‘cage driver’
is about to do
something stupid.

I like to make eye contact
with people coming
out of side streets,
I will throttle back
until I’m sure they’ve not
only seen me,
but also have decided
not to pull out anyway.

And sometimes they fool you anyway.

I know plenty of riders
who have ruineda4
a perfectly good
Mercedes-Benz paint job
with their essential bodily fluids
because they assumed that
driver was competent.

(Blood and guts are acidic
and absolutely ruin
a car’s finish, ya know)

Assume they’re all
morons, and you’ll
be much safer.

As for what type of
motorcycle you’d want….thr

Well, as I said,
lighter and smaller
would be my recommendation
when you’re learning.

You can get a nice used bike to learn on
for under a G
just about anywhere.

Once you’ve built some skills —
that’s the time to talk
about something with
power, style, class,
and a long term financing contract.

Don’t buy into the whole
‘ Real Bikers only ride
Harleys ‘ bullshit, either.a1a1

Real Bikers ride whatever
(and whomever) they like ,
and they don’t give a fuck
about who says otherwise.

Buy what you enjoy
and are comfortable on.

I’m here if you got questions —
as long as you don’t ask me
‘the elephant in the room’ one.

Well —

I’m thinking it took me
40-plus years
to feel like I could ride
my way out of a paperbag….

Your mileage may vary.


PS: I think I mighta forgot
the part in her letter when
she asked about turning and leaning —

It’s tricky to explain,
but briefly:

You lean the bike – not you.
If you’re banking to the right,
then your head and shoulders
should still be perpendicular
to the ground,
while your weight,
since the bike is leaning right,
will have to shift slightly left
to keep your center of balance.
But you can drive your foot
down into the right pedal
to ride the bike harder
into a steeper right turn.
This one takes practice,
but just remember,
the bike turns, you don’t.
And passengers should always
mimic the driver’s position.

Zoom, Zoom.

HOY !!!!!





You Too Part Two

If you were anywhere near
the Muscleheaded Blog yesterday,
you saw that we used the
old motion picture device
of the ‘hanging end serial’ –

They used it to build suspense,
and insure return attendance
to their theatres..

We used it cause
we’re too lazy to write
that much at one time.

So, there you have it.

And now,
back to our exciting story —
How To Meet And Impress Girls (Part Deux).

Chapter TWO:
“OK, now what?”

Meeting women is easy and fun;
…….but knowing how and
where to meet them
is very important.

aYou can meet them anywhere,
in a house,
or at the fair —

You can meet
them in a store,
at the pool,
or at the shore —

Meet them,
Meet them
you will do —-

Sam You AM will meet them too ….

(No- wait a minute..
…. that’s the wrong book….)

Anyway, as I was saying;

You can meet women
just about anywhere….

Think of all the women you can
meet hanging around the pharmacy
while commenting on their prescriptions–

You can stop them in their tracks with lines like:

“Yeah, I hear that stuff will really beat the yeast!”


“Hey, Look, Jelly Beans!”


meeting girls is all about
being comfortable in your own skin.

So, that might not work for you, either.ascissors


Have you tried jingling all that change you carry around in your pocket?


In your case, I might recommend the ‘shotgun approach’.

smile at every girl who even gets near you —
— and if one smiles back,
just start talking.


Chapter Three: “What Next ?”

What to do next?

melsWell, you must have a PLAN.

For instance, you can offer to take her for a ride in your fancy sports car.

Chicks dig hot wheels, man.

Yes, your car can speak volumes
about who and what you really are,
……… and what you want outta life.



twiggyShow her yer vintage set of “Slowly-Starving-to-Death-Supermodel” trading cards.

Women love for men to make comparisons between their bodies and the bodies of the women who make a living wearing clothes
that are way too small for 98.4 percent of the population.

Showing such careful consideration
for their feelings like that will
show your compassionate, sensitive side.

But I bet you already knew that.



tattTell her you’re the
“Leader of the Pack”.


You’ve gotta have your stuff together , though.

But it ain’t hard.

I see guys do this kinda
thing every day.

Just put your best biker-wanna-bee gear on,

shave your head,

roll up your sleeves to
show off those 14 inch biceps,
and those bad to the bone tats….

………… and then get your motor runnin’.

All kinds of women will be throwing
themselves adoringly in front
of your chopped chort.
( or moped , whatever )



henryDemonstrate yer lovemaking skills on a turkey leg…..

This really gives you a chance to show people how versatile and aggressive you are.

Be sure to stare straight at any on-looking hotties while you’re munching.

But, a warning–

Public slurping on a turkey leg
at events such as Renaissance Fairs
is one of those things that only
advanced students of the
Muscleheaded Course should
ever attempt, however.

The resulting bountiful bevy
of boosted bazongas might
be too much for you, otherwise.



cowboyTell her you’re a COWBOY…….

Yes, if there’s something that every hottie loves, it’s a cowboy.

Dust off your chaps, buy yourself one of them
17 gallon hats, and
you’re stylin.

You might have to
learn to walk differently…

…..with that wide, saddle worn stance
that says your package is almost
too heavy to carry around with ya without help.

or that your hemorrhoids are flaring up again.



aaTell her you’re HULK HOGAN………..

I’m sure it worked for this guy.

You might even show her all the action figures you’ve been storing in that huge warehouse out in Huntington Beach.

I bet there’s plenty of chicks out there fantasizing about a quick fling with the Hulkster, right?

Oh, and don’t pay attention to that guy behind the curtain.

And no, that’s not a video camera.


Well, congratulations, candidate,
you have successfully completed
the Muscleheaded Course
for Meeting and Impressing Girls.

as desperate
( errr… I mean, ANXIOUS)

…. as you might be to proceed
to actually dating somebody,
and become a fully qualified fox hunter —

( gggggrowwwwwll ) ……………


I’m afraid you’re going to have
to wait with bated breath
until the next course….

And heaven knows when that will be .


Until then,

I’ll bid you and yours
(hands, feet, all that stuff)
a fond aaaacccchhhhoooooo.

Damn dusty in here.





You Too Can Meet And Impress Girls

lonelyHi Ya.

Are you a lonely muscle-head whose only chance at sexual
variety is to switch hands?

Are you so lonely that
when you went to give
your last lover a hickey
you ended up with a
mouthful of fur ?

Are you so socially abhorrent
that they let you park in
handicapped spaces ?

Well, yer ole Uncle Nuts
has the prescription for you!

uhYes, you too can be
the love-stud of yer local community!

No more getting
new sex partners
by painting little faces
on the tops of your fist..

No more creative cantaloupe carving…..

No more suppressing moans
while discretely humping the
water jet at the public pool…..

No more waiting in long lines
for change at the ‘mini-movies’ place…..

No more sticking Lil Elvis
into splinter hazards just
for the use of person
or persons unknown –pocket

Yes, now in one
convenient post,
it’s time for the :

Muscleheaded Guide
for Meeting and
Impressing Girls.

Read on,
my love-depraved..
…. I mean,
read on.


Chapter ONE: recognizing you may have a problem.


Answer these questions.

1: Is THIS your idea
of a computer date?


Yes, she’s a computerized robot —

… she cost $60,000
for this geek to build her,
and her name is Aiko.

He dresses her everyday,
and spends every
waking minute with her.

Lucky girl, huh?

Of course, one can’t
even get a Mercedes SLS for that price,

….. so building himself a girl friend
was more cost effective
than bribing one, I guess.

As for sex…
well, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.


2: Is THIS what you would consider to be a HOT date?

While at first glance,

Billy the Party Goat may seem a convenient option to some lonely dudes,

… those with latex allergies or issues with the whole ‘pretend-it’s-not-bestiality-with-a-blowup-male-goat’ thing may preclude a real meeting of the minds here.

As for sex…..
well, ewe.

Get it? Ewe.

you’re gonna need to develop
a sense of humor if you ever
wanna get a REAL date, ya know.


3: Do you think you will EVER have a ‘special’ use for one of THESE?


Oh sure, I know….

The name holds promise,

And women love men
to keep their places
clean and tidy.

However, a high horsepower vacuum with custom made attachments might send an impression that your tastes and expectations might exceed the average girl’s capacities.

( There was this girl in Austin,
but that’s another …
well, never mind )


4: Do you have a set of bedsheets you like to use on ‘certain’ nights ?


I don’t know which thing will turn off a potential love conquest faster…

— the sheets —

— or the tissues in the corner.

And let’s face it….

What you’d like to create
is the impression that you are a go-getter
………. not a bed-wetter.

Just sayin.


5: Have you ever tried to pick up a girl by telling her she’s hotter than LOIS LANE?

Finding a subject with which a man and a woman can both identify with is often a good way to start a conversation, sure.

But, brother,

…. you ain’t exactly Superman,

and it’d be better for all concerned if you didn’t remind her of that fact, s’all.

So, wearing that costume under your clothes (“just in case”) is not only unnecessary,

— but may be the very reason
you’ve been getting so much chaffing lately.


6: Have you ever tried picking up girls in the supermarket by pointing out the more exotic produce ?parsnip

Do you hang around the supermarket droning on and on about the mating habits of the Cornish Game Hen to any girl who happens to be passing by ?

Do you go over to the bakery section and suggestively measure the size of the holes in doughnuts ??

Do you take up a position near the seafood aisle,

…. and point out how oysters
are said to have an aphrodisiacal
quality, and that you’re looking
for test subjects ??


it’s tempting,
I know.

And it sounds like it
should work,
to you,
doesn’t it ???


Don’t DO THAT.

( Anymore. )


Well, if you answered:
to any of these questions,
you’re in REAL trouble, my friend….

You’re gonna need to advance on to Chapter Two.

Which, of course, is tomorrow’s post.
You’re just gonna have to
hold your water (ahem) until then.

!!!! HOY !!!!!




Muscleheaded’s Infamous Bachelor Party Planner


You might not know it,

…. but I can handle a lot
of every day situations
with panache and grace.

It’s the more complicated things
that come up in life
that I tend to go a little ape-shit with .

Like my buddy’s bachelor party.f3

I thought it went extremely well.

Everyone who was there
had one helluva time.

What they remember of it, anyway.


Let’s just say that my buddy’s newlywed-deded bride,
….. she ain’t exactly pleased
with how she heard I had handled-ded it.

Well, I’m used to women cussin’ me out, ya know.

I think I’m actually getting to like it.

And just in case you don’t mind it
all that much either,
and have a …. errrr… special event coming up,
maybe I can give you a few pointers.

Because it’s time for—

( drumroll )

Muscleheaded’s “How To Throw A Bachelor Party”.

so, let’s just say your buddy
has made the horrendous mistake
of asking you to be his “best man”.strip

“Best Man”,
you and me both know
that this is a serious misnomer

………….. cause you’re probably the WORST guy for the job.

Let’s put aside all that past history
that you and the future Mrs. Buddy
had in the bathroom of that Exxon station
that the future Mister Buddy don’t know nuthin about.

Yeah, I know, you both got treated,
and everything’s Jake now….

…….. she got past the blood test,
so it must be, huh?
Say no mo.

But you know, there’s a certainbachelorparty
modicum of behavior expected
of the best man at these ceremonies….
…………. and I’m not sure yer up to it.

Arriving drunk for the wedding rehearsal,
that’ll add a nice touch to the proceedings,
and you punchin’ out the wedding photographer
before he gets any good shots,
that’ll be a big hit with the bride.

And hey..,

I’m not saying you’re illiterate,
but that speech you’re gonna make at the reception,

well…. let’s just saya3
that one’ll haunt you
and several other folks for a long, long time.

ah well… the deal is done…

yer buddy’s made his choice,
and now he’s gonna have to live with it.

( hooo boy…
— will he. )

you’ve now got serious stuff to worry about…..

…… like the bachelor party.

1The first thing you gotta know
is just where you stand with the bride.

Is she happy about her
future hubby’s choice of ‘best man’?

If she isn’t,
…….. well….

fuck ‘er then…..

….. go ape shit and let the chips fall where they may.

Whatda you care, you ain’t gotta live with her…
— so raht, so raht, s’all raht.

(Hell, it’ll never last anyway, right?……as
damn, that girl can hold a grudge…
it’s that gas station thing again probably….
what she’s so mad about, anyway??
…. after you sprung the 50 cents
for the french tickler outta the machine and all?)

But if she does like you,
(which indicator of bad taste
explains her interest in
marrying your buddy in the first place…)

… then you’re gonna have to be a little more subtle ….
…..more classy…
……. more tactful in your planning.

You’re gonna have to find out where she draws the line,

……… you know….

what’s gonna be an issue and what ain’t. 2

Toothless, cracked-out strippers ok,

….. but happy endings are completely out??

This information you need to know- – – –

— mostly, cause this helps you all get your stories straight and down-pat ahead of time.


Finding this stuff out is harder than it might seem, though……

You can’t just come out and ask her:
Listen, what kind of hookers does he like?”

You could try being subtle…
“What kinda hookers would he like3
if he wasn’t getting married to you?”

No….. maybe not…
you’re just too subtle fer yer own good…….

yeah, um hmmm.


What you really need to do
is give her a rundown of the
complete opposite of what you’re planning,
and ask her opinion.

She’ll figure you’re just being
the considerate lug that you truly are,
deep down inside…..hango

Tell her :

Yeah, I was planning
on inviting a coupla guys from work,
and we’d all go over to the IHOP
and have the Stuffed Waffles.

After that,
maybe go over to the Internet Coffee Cafe
and play World of Warcraft.
Wrap it all up with a gelato at the Ice Cream place.”

Now, chances are good
that she’s gonna be going for her
“I’m not the jealous type,
I want him to have a good time” Academy Award …

and she’ll tell ya that deck
you should do something a little more exciting….

she might even suggest some things
that you can add to your alibi later…

Aside from her implicit permission
to ‘have a little harmless fun’….
(that’s definitely got potential…)

there’s actually two types of information
that can be constructively
gleaned from this interview….

1: Things you must NOT
(…get caught doing…) do,

2: People whom you must
(….watch out for…) invite.afford

The lines of the first type of information
will probably be a bit obscured……..

but she’ll probably draw a line in the sand…

by suggesting the maximum that’s ok with her.

She’ll probably roll her eyes and say something like..

“I’m sure he’d like to go to a topless place
and ogle some beautiful women…”

This overt statement boils down
to another usually unspoken,
but clearly intended one:

“You guys better not end up playing
‘Mother, May I’
or ‘sloppy seconds’
in some cheesy whore house”.

As a considerate “best man”,
you should definitely take that information to heart.eyes

—- Free free to include her suggestion
as a part of your cover story.

(the topless part- ya dumbass…)

Remember –
— if you make the story TOO tame,
she won’t believe it.

Just be sure to give it a moral
that she’ll like… such as:
“He didn’t enjoy the topless place,
he was so busy thinking about you.”

See how considerate you can be
when you wanna be?fe

The second kind of information
is extremely important.

If she suggests that you invite her tattletale brother,
her uncle, –
any blood relative,
or if she wants her effeminate
flaming friend Gary to tag along–
(you know, that guy that she likes to go clothes shopping with…)
this is a red flag…

………… this person is gonna be obligated
to report back on any and all festivities as they occur.

Hell, that’s why a woman invented the cell phone.

Happily, there’s a solution for this

It’s called the Dweeb Drop.

All you need is a relatively harmless place to all “meet up”,
a van just big enough for the guys
that you actually want to party with, and a nail.

After a drink or two and some innocent fun,
you all decide to go to a place
that Al knows on the other end of town.
You guys just follow us!

All the regular, trustworthy guys ride in the van,
the other ones get to ride
in the ‘other car’…

…. the nail strategically placed onto the tire
of said other car so that when they pull out…


(What conscience?
Buy the guy a new tire later.)5

……. and your cell phones?

They’ve got to be left on the charger at home.


When you see these folks at the wedding,

just say something disarming like…

” Jeezz….
where did you guys get to…
We were worried somethin happened to ya!?!? “

— and smile that sincere,
“I really relate to you” smile.

You know the one.
The one you use with your in-laws.par

Lets go back to developing your cover story for a minute….
….there are a couple of words
that should never be a part of a good cover story.

These include :

College Girls
Happy Ending
Old Girlfriend
and any word that ends with the suffix ” – JOB

Now you can have some fun.

But there are rules.
Oh, so many rules.shitgun

And you gotta follow em, too…..
’cause that deposit on the tux is non refundable,
and the reception’s gonna be open bar.

Some of these, we’ve already talked about…..
the others, I’ll explain as we go along…..

Rule One: Follow all rules.
(–otherwise known as Barney’s Generally Specific Rule)

Rule Two: Ask her opinion on your alibi
( err… I mean, plans…)

Rule Three: Start early,
and Dweeb Drop your spies,
geeks and goofs at a local topless place.
Be sure they got money to enjoy themselves,pas
(It’s the gentlemanly thing to do…..)
Keep one non-spy geek or goof
to be the designated driver if you want……
….. but swear him in, and make him “watch” the car.

Rule Four: Plan the REAL party out of town.
Let’s say you live in Charlotte.
You’ll want to have your real party
in Greensboro, or Columbia..
somewhere far enuf away
where you’re not gonna run
into somebody that knows y’all
… or more importantly, the bride.
A college town is always a good bet.
College girls are always thirsty,
and they can’t resist a good party…
……… or a guy in a committed relationship.stag
Not too far away, though….
if you break down in Atlanta,
you might not get back in time for the wedding.
Bad nooze, bub.

Rule Five: Get back in time for the wedding.
Avoid situations that might cause the groom
to doze off, pass out, be Baker Act’d,
declared non compos mentis,
be killed, or worst of all, get arrested.
This is your solemn trust…
no matter how stupid HE acts,
you’re supposed to get him back to the grieving widow..
………………. I mean, blushing bride,
in one piece.

If necessary,a2
sacrifice an ear or finger,
but don’t come back without the corpus delecti.

Rule Sex: (err…., SIX): No keepsies on DNA.
Happy ending(s), or no….
any traces of DNA is to be kept contained,
and immediately disposed of.
In an emergency, Saran wrap will work just fine.

Rule Seven: Retrieve all your brass,
Wipe down all surfaces.
Oh, and pay cash for everything.

Rule Eight : Stick to your story.
Come hell or high water…
……… stick to your story.
Don’t change anything.
Don’t admit anything otherbettyross
than what you all already agreed
to admit in your cover story.
It’s your only hope.
If you or your buddy
was seen drunk by the parish priest
with 2 naked old ladies riding on your also-naked lap-
— like some kinda
25cent mechanical pony outside the Walmart-
tell him to his face
(in front of the bride, of course..)
that he’s a g@#$damned liar.
(You can always apologize in confession, right?)

Rule Nine: Make sure everybody swears the oath.
One guy breaks it, and you all are gonna pay big time.

Now that you know the rules,
you can just relax and have fun.

But remember-dinghy
just as there are words that
should never be used in a cover story,
there are also words that should never—
be applicable to a successful bachelor party.

If you find yourself
using one of these words
when relating the true events of what
actually went on to a
‘sworn to keep it secret’ fraternity brother,
well, then,
you oughta be ashamed of yourself,
for you have indeed failed miserably..

your plans were shoddy and haphazard,
you have let your buddy down,
you have let yourself down,
you have let the whole of men-kind down.mantan

( Not to mention you didn’t read
this blog near carefully enough…. )

These words and phrases include:

“Turned out to be a guy”
Blue Balls
By the Balls
Bite Marks
Rope Burns

Bullet Casings (of any caliber)
Genital Tattoo (of any type)rae
Genital Warts (of any type)
Stomach Pump
Glory Hole
Federal Offense

And if you did it right,
….. well, now,
everybody gets to live happily ever after, right?

Gotta love a happy ending .



How To Make A Lousy First Impression

dirtymindA wise man once said
“You never get a second chance to make a first impression”.

And, the truth is that,
I am an absolute expert on the subject of making first impressions.

Not good ones,
mind you…

But I can damn sure make a first impression.impression

Lousy ones, mostly.

Yes, I readily admit,
that I haven’t always cultivated the best first impressions.

My big mouth doesn’t help.

It’s the combination of my years in the Navy,
and the fact that I’m Irish on my mothers side.

If I had something to say,

— it was not within the power
alzof any Pope, President, or Potentate to get me to shut the hell up about it.

And, it’s not like what I was likely to say’ll make me popular, either.

I was, and am,
a ‘think outside the box’ kinda guy –

— and once I get going,
anywherea lotta people’d rather just see me dead inside one.

‘Cause whether one says that they are a Democrat or a Republican, –
— that’s all just the same narrow spectrum of collective mallarkey to me….

Both sides would just as soon cut yer throat and leave you bleedin’.
.. the only difference I can see is- –

— a Democrat will, at least, call ya an ambulance….
– and then bill ya for the call….

— a Republican will just call the city
baddogto complain about the blood stains you left on the sidewalk.


That big mouth o’ mine has gotten me in more scrapes than a guy climbing through a stack of broken Little Richard records.

But you know, as you get older –
— (not, that I am getting older, mind you…. )
biteme….. you get to a point where you don’t want people to dislike you.
…….. you actually want them to wanna be around you.

Heaven knows why-

…. some of them are such cretins and morons that…..
…. .er, wait … ummmm… !!


Lemme start over.

Ok- you caught me…
— that’s another of the faults
fredthat in the past has tended to make a lousy first impression….

My old tendency to judge other people based on standards I wouldn’t even measure up to.

I had just figured people were too dumb to notice it.


They noticed.

Boy, did they.

fixas I was sayin’ before you interupted me…

As you get older, you care a little less about getting your point across,
— and more about whether people think you’re a groovy guy or not.

First impressions are the key to that.

‘Cause once you make a lousy first impression,
— you’ll never get a chance to correct it.

And in truth, I really like people-
especially people with distinct personalities.

I wanted to get to know more people,rake
to understand them,
talk to them,
feel what they feel.

Yet, I was sending out the wrong messages –
—— my outward demeanor didnt match my inward intentions.

So, a coupla years ago,
I decided to change the way I came across to people.

In the pursuit of the reversal of my ancient patternputout
of really crappy first impressions….,

I have climbed many sacred mountains…..

consulted many oracles….

read many books…..

made MANY mistakes…..

over and over and over again……

and while I guess I can still make some pretty crummy first impressions….

— the good part is, I can recite the rules backwards and forwards….

—- and you,
timemy knowledge-craving friend,
are to be the beneficiary of said repository of the self-same hard-won experience.

‘Cause I remember the High Lama’s first cardinal rule of knowledge:
Those who can, DO –
– those who can’t, BLOG about it.

just in case you want to do what yer Ole Uncle Nuts usually did,
– and go ahead and make a lousy impression instead,
— these rules work extremely well in reverse.

Oh yes,alz
they do dat tang.

I’ve made this list to be geared more toward meeting women-
because naturally, that’s what we men think about most of the time….
but they are equally applicable to any kind of situation.

So…. let’s say you’re at the gym…
or the mall,
or at the meat store.

Yes, the meat store especially.

You see this nice looking individual whom you would like to get to know.

Remember these simple rules :upsidedown

Rule One:
Make eye contact.
Experts say the first eye contact should be between 2 and 3 seconds.
But, don’t stare.
…… and don’t lick your lips.

Rule Two:
Project an air of confidence.
You don’t have to do the Pee Wee Herman dance on top of the bar… you cool.
Just don’t fiddle with your tie or act nervous.

Rule Three:a
A subtle, inviting smile will work wonders…
…but the experts say this is not the time to show off your pearly whites with a gaper.
Make it a “….awww shucks” kinda smile.

Rule Four:
Don’t invade her space.
As you close in for the kill, you gotta give the line some slack, bud.
It’s just like catching a sailfish-
– if you try to just muscle her in, she’ll drag you right outta the boat.
Take it slow, watch for green signals, or red ones if you get too close too soon.

Rule Five:
Watch your body language.cowboy
This is not the time to be scratching or adjusting stuff.
There are kinds of signals you send with your body and face –
do not, for instance:
look at her over your glasses,
put your hands on your hips,
or hang them in your pockets.

Rule Sex ( I mean…… SIX ) :
Find some common ground to open a conversation.
Make it relatively simple, but not too trite.
“Nice weather” would only be a good opening if you (not her) got drenched from the splash of a passing car, for instance.
“Come here often?” wouldn’t be a good line to open with at a Doctor’s office, (or VD clinic).

Ok… let’s say you’ve gotten to rule six successfully…..a1
and you’ve opened up a conversation with some witty opener
— like “That’s a nice rump roast you got there…..”

Now what?

Well, guess what…. there’s more rules.


Use the person’s name frequently.
It’s important for you, because it reinforces the memory of her name inside yer brain,
and ,
it’s important to her, because she feels you are relating to her as a person,
— and not just as a hot prospect.
(She don’t have to know the truth, right?)

Avoid jokes (especially if they could cause a negative reaction…)a1
That joke about Democrats and Republicans, for instance-
…. it probably wouldn’t be a good way to break the ice…
If this chick is a die hard politico, it might get some ice broke over your head.

Oh, and if she’s one of them PC’ers or femin-nazis
— – well, just forget you know that word – ‘chick’.
They prefer to be called “testosterone-challenged individuals”

I’m kidding.

Be a good listener.
Be interested in who she is and what’s she’s about.budlite
Don’t be talking on and on about yerself.
Let her talk about herself.
You might as well get used to it, after all.

Let the other person be the center of attention.
Don’t be flexin or trying to show off… let her shine.

Dress to impress.
Hey, buddy… you’ve GOT to own something other than shorts and a tank top, anyway, right?

Speak clearly.
If she has to ask you to repeat yourself too many times,
— she’ll just stop paying any attention to you at all.

Try to accentuate your best qualities.
That doesn’t mean an elaborate comb-over …
it just meanswrong
– brush yer teeth,
– comb that mop,
– smile,
– dress fer success,
– speak clearly,
– be polite,
keep your cool —
—- you know—-
all that stuff your mama tried to teach ya.

If you follow these rules,
I can absolutely promise you with 100% positive assurance,
— that you may just have the potential
— for possibly making a reasonably ok kinda impression….
—- assuming that you have lots of money, fancy car, sharkskin suits, nice teeth…
—- or some other value-added feature that will really grab their attention,…….

In the off-chance,
of course,
that they’re not miraculously bowled over by all the pretense and faldurall you went through in making a good first impression to begin with.

But my friend, just remember
you might only get one chance to make a good first impression,
—– but, afterwards, you’ll get a million chances to screw it up.

Of course,
if all else fails,
you can always fall back on PLAN B…………………..


In Trouble Again


Notice: I am not an attorney.

(You gotta pass a literacy test to even get into law school.)

I am not a non-attorney spokesperson.

(Not that I even know what the hell that’s supposed to mean when they say it on those commercials about suing drug companies and such..)

I have never played an attorney on TV.

(I couldn’t even stand that Matlock TV show,
…. and Andy Griffith is from around here.)

No attorneys were involved in the writing, production values, spell checks, legal consultations, or any other aspect of this here posting.

Not only that,

….. but I’d be perfectly happy if a extra-large size log-flume boat-full of lawyers were to sink into the murky depths of Lake Winnepauhsawk…

…… Lake Winapehseh….

err…… umm……

………… Lake Winnie.

I don’t even own a suit and tie anymore.


As far as I’m concerned,
… briefs are only the kinda underwear ya wear when all yer boxer shorts are dirty.

None of the contents of this post constitute anything even resembling legal advice,
……. and you’d have to be more than half crazy to think it does.


No matter where you go in this great country,

there are a couple things….
sorta like “rules of the road”…….

……. that really don’t change much.

You never order spaghetti anywhere other than in an Italian Restaurant……

You never ask a strange woman with a big stomach when the baby is due…….

You never wear a bowling shirt and shorts to a wedding ……..

You never spit into the wind, or tug on superman’s cape…

…….. and you don’t never sass around with the man.

While the first three might end up causing you a simple case of diarrhea,
a hasty embarassing exit,
or some puss-eyed looks……..

The sass-the-police thing, well, that can lead to more serious , shall we say , consequences.

Of course, as you may have already learned in yer travels and trevails,
…. being nice to a cop ain’t necessarily gonna get you out of a jam……

It’s more like the difference to your perineum between a dry, chapped finger and a well lubed, manicured one.

Let’s say you’re toolin down the road in your lime green 1983 Plymouth Reliant with the burned out left taillight, hanging headliner, and the “Honk If You’re Horny” bumper sticker…..

( You say you don’t got a ” Honk If You’re Horny ” bumpersticker?
……….. hey– you don’t know what yer missin ! )

You glance in yer rearview mirror , and see the unwelcome sight of a ‘blue light special’ —
a brand new Crown Victoria with the word ” E C I L O P ” painted on the front —
—- which indicates that the local constabulary would like a word.

There are some serious mistakes you can make here, without really thinking about it, if you’re not careful.

If you truly want to come out of this encounter with the PoPo with a nice little warning and a short lecture on being more cautious in a school zone…..

……. instead of an expensive ticket, summons, or worse —-

( and who wouldn’t —
….. I hear they’re serving bologna for all three meals these days at the jail… )

You’ll take Yer Ole Uncle Nut’s not-constituting-legal-counsel advice on a coupla basic things.

‘Cause YOU know wuz speedin….
I know you wuz speedin….
and what’s more…..
the COP knows you were speedin….
and the JUDGE already knows it, too.

I mean, he ain’t pullin you over to get your phone number.

Unless you live in Union County, North Carolina….
…….. and then, only if you’re a cute hottie in Daisy Dukes.

Lets say you don’t and you ain’t.

Pull over completely off the right side of the road, if possible.
I flat out guarantee—
if you stop in the middle of the road, or onto the left shoulder,
you will be leaving with a ticket at the very least.
And the cop is wondering whether you’re smart enough to even BE driving.

Don’t get outta the car.
If he wants you out of the car, he’s got an intercom – he’ll tell ya.
In which case, he probably ain’t pulling you over for speeding, bud….
….. where did you say you got that Plymouth Reliant from, anyway?

Roll down your window.
Come on, what makes you think he’d pull you over and then want to
play twenty questions in sign language with you through the glass?

Don’t make any sudden or furtive moves.
If you suddenly reach down under the seat, he’s probably not gonna assume that you’re just putting your gum ( as opposed to GUN ) away for later use.

Have your license and registration ready.
Again, this might be counter-intuitive for some people,
but NO – he ain’t gonna just take your word fer it.

Greet the officer politely.
Here’s where a lotta folks get in trouble early on.
There are some things you can say as a greeting that are perfectly acceptable here,
….. and others– not so much.

Examples of recommended greetings:
“Good morning, Officer”
“Good evening, Officer”

Examples of not-recommended greetings:

“Just what in the hell do YOU want?”
“Don’t you have anything better to do?”
“I wasn’t just doing 80- your radar is defective”
“Hey, you’re cute for a Police Officer.. “
“Do you know who I am?”
“I’m not drunk, I swear.”

Or, any reference to donuts, his heritage or his mother.

Wait for it.
The next move is the officer’s…..
don’t ask him why he pulled you over-
you can bet he’s gonna tell ya soon enough.

If the Officer greets you with a question , keep your answer short and courteous.

Good morning… how y’all doing today? ” — should not be answered with a 10 minute dissertation about how rotten your day is and how your great-aunt Harriet is having hemorrhoid surgery at this very moment and how you promised to be there, should she happen to wake up asking for ya.

A smile, a “fine, thank you, how are you?” while handing him your license and registration, will do quite nicely.

I mean, you can manage a smile, can’t ya- this doesn’t have to be the Spanish Inquisition, you know.

Once you get past the usual pleasantries, this is where the going gets a little slick.

If he just takes your license and registration, and goes to check it on his computer, you’re doing ok so far.

Let’s hope they haven’t updated the NCIC with that little incident from 1973 at El Bunny Rancho in Vegas….

( What ever happened to “What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” anyway ? )

If he starts asking you questions — you’d better pay attention.

Cause the cop ain’t just asking questions fer no reason —
—- he really does have other things he could be doing, after all.

He’s listening not only to your answers, but to HOW your answer, and your overall demeanor.

He’s looking at you– your body language, how nervous you are, whether you are a threat.

I mean, he don’t know you from one of the crazy lady down the block’s 40 or so house cats.

So, he’s got just a coupla moments to size you up — figure out just kinda animal you iz – or ain’t.

Don’t get him thinkin’ you’re anything else other than a nice feller with a loose gas pedal and a junky old car.


Remember this:

Cops don’t ask a lotta questions they don’t already think they know the answer to.

If the Officer asks you:
” Do you know how fast you were going? ” ,

this is just the kinda thing that is gonna tell him a lot about what kinda guy you are.
( That is, if you’re not careful… )

Again, he already knows how fast you wuz going- or he wouldn’t be asking ya.

So, your best response is going to be something as close to honest as you can manage without totally incriminating yourself ….

“I’m afraid I might have been a little over the speed limit”

would be preferable to:

“I wuz trying to get this hunk of junk into triple digits to get around that damned school bus up ahead”

If he leads off with “Do you happen to know the speed limit here?”,
-(you should know the answer) –
….. expect the question above to immediately follow….
……. he’s just checking to see if you’re an idiot, first.

If he asks you ” have you had anything to drink today ?” — he’s not asking you for a beer.

Something about you or your driving has set off his drunk-o-meter.
You’d better figure out a sure way to sober up, and toot suite, buddy.
Cause there’s no winning answer to this question—- once it’s asked, you’re in trouble.
Every possible answer has a hidden meaning to a Police Officer.
Check out the following translation chart.
On the left is your possible answer.
On the right is the cop translation.

No == ask more questions
Yes, one beer == you’ve been drinking
Only a couple == you’ve been drinking for a while
Three beers == you’ve been drinking all day
You know how it is == you’ve been drinking with his wife
I’m not drunk == damn, you’re drunk as a skunk
I’m drunk == you’ve got crack on you, too

If you have failed miserably up to this point,
……. there almost inevitably comes the magic question:

You don’t have anything illegal in your vehicle, do ya… no knives, guns, bombs, hand grenades…”

Buddy, if you have gotten that question —
Ya got trouble, my friend, right here, I say, trouble right here in River City.

…….. ‘Cause the next one is the one about consent to search.

And how you answer that one…..

……… well, don’t ask me… you’d better get an attorney.

Maybe one or two of them know how to swim.


PS…. just a friendly word in your ear:
If they read you your rights, remember — SILENT.