Now, before I let you
get started reading this post,
I guess I’d better give you
some background on exactly
what the hell I was thinking writing this.
Several years ago,
I was a member of what was then called a “Blog Ring”.
Basically, it was a bunch of bloggers
who would draw a random subject and write about it.
It’s a matter of luck
on what subject you get —-
It was computer generated,
so it could be anything from
Vladimir Nabikov to Boris Badenov.
you’d like to draw a subject
that had some meat on the bone, ya know?
( I always wanted to do one on Natasha, personally…
……. she was such a naughty little razor girl ,
and you know how wild those exotic
Eastern European women can get. )
this time, I drew ‘shaving‘.
Well, the group was made up
of mostly conservative, serious minded writers,
( otherwise known as squares —
—— strictly Rubic’s cubes, man. )
and the moderator had become
quite fond of editing my posts for content.
I couldn’t help having
a little bit of fun with it,
….. despite the rather negative reaction
I knew would be quickly forthcoming.
Well, to make a short, sad story
even shorter and sadder,
…… this is the post that got me
officially banned from the blog-ring.
that oughta count for SOMETHIN’ !!!!
rather than throw it in the digital garbage can,
I decided to bore my regular readers with it.
Fun With Razor Blades
So…. the blogring
wants a primer
on how to shave , huh?
Well, your Ole Uncle Nuts
is here to answer all them
complicated questions you may have.
And the first one
is probably the most important one of all…
To shave, or not to shave?
I’m not knocking beards.
I wore one for a long time,
while in the Navy,
and then after.
I might still be wearing one,
but it started coming in all gray like.
And I’m too young to look like
I’m not too young to be gray.
But, beards can be mucho macho.
After all, in many cultures,
a beard is a sign of virility- of power – of masculinity.
Unless you’re a girl.
Then, it might earn ya
a coupla thousand a year in the side show.
And those ‘No-No’ thingees are so expensive, ya know.
In Afganistan, for instance,
you wouldn’t get very far with the natives
if you didnt have a nice bushy beard….
They look at foreigners without one
the same way we look at guys
dressed up in a silk saree and 3″ heels.
It wasn’t all that many years ago in the West,
that all Victorian and Edwardian age men
who wanted to impress wore em…
the beard has lost it’s appeal in western culture.
I think the decline in popular standing
started with the beatnik era,
when a beard represented a symbol
of the abandonment of 50’s materialistic values,
in favor of the bongo,
the wool pullover,
and beat poetry.
Oh, and free love.
( 1 outta 4 aint bad, anyway…)
Don’t bug me, man…
this dump is downsville…. ya dig?
Ok, you get the idea.
beards got a kinda bad rap…
…. as indicative of a slovenly, lazy, untrustworthy individual.
Think about that Maynard G Krebs character
from the old Dobie Gillis TV show,
and you get the idea.
( I liked the guy, myself. )
In the 60’s and 70’s,
the only ones who could still wear one
and not be affected in some way by this kind of prejudice
were intellectuals and sailors.
Oh, and ZZ Top, of course.
Today, beards are kinda making a comeback.
Some guys wear em to balance out
that shaved-head look so many wanna-be tough guys are wearing…
Other guys figure it’s some help
in covering up an
otherwise-painfully obvious double, triple or invisible chin.
Still others do the ‘three day old beard’ look…
how they keep that shrubbery trimmed back
to that three day stubble is beyond me.
But you wanna shave.
Ok by me.
There’s definitely a science involved here.
Shaving any part of your body requires careful movement –
— heaven knows….
….. sometimes VERY careful movement….
— but shaving your face also requires you
to coordinate the movement of your face with the movement of the blade.
Very few guys use a straight razor anymore.
This is a skill set that has a very SHARP learning curve….
You will bleed like a stuck pig
on Elvis’s birthday
for the entire first year
while you’re learning to use one of these.
It is great for scaring your little sister half to death,
but that’s about the only real practical use,
considering the readily available alternatives.
The next option is a ‘safety’ razor.
This uses a replaceable razor blade,
and is the kind your dad probably used.
Very cheap to use,
but these are getting harder and harder to find,
and limited to one cutting edge at a time.
Your best option is the twin blade disposable ….
Maybe ecologically it is a disaster.
But using it is easy as throwing up at a Miley Cyrus concert,
and gives a nice, close shave.
Get some nice hot water ready,
and go ahead and dunk your face in it.
This is an important step,
because hot water makes your skin pliable,
opens your pores,
and exposes more hair for the blade.
Also, the soap will adhere better,
and the blade will glide over your face easier.
In other words, do it.
Now you can apply the shaving soap or lather.
Me, I like to use soap-
You don’t have to use anything fancy,
although I don’t recommend LAVA …
Irish Spring is great.
If you’re one of those guys who wants to spend five bucks
for stuff in a can that looks like whipped creme
but don’t taste a bit like it,
well, knock yerself out.
It’s the same basic thing as soap,
but if it makes ya feel good, hey-
………… who am I to tell ya how to waste yer money, right?
The exception here would be you rich mooks
who have all the money in the world.
In your case, you can go out
and buy one of those fancy
schmanzy ‘hot lather’ machines…
there’s nothing that feels nicer
when you’re shaving than some
nice, warm, soothing, moisturizing lather…
… mmmmm… yeah baby…
but I can’t afford one of them things.
If you can, go buy one.
( I hope you choke on it. )
Don’t go ape shit
on the soap or lather,
you only need enough
to create a lubrication barrier
and those very sharp pieces of steel
you’re gonna scrape your face with.
The more you use,
the more stuff is gonna back up in the razor.
That’s when you really start cutting
the shy-et outta yer face…
’cause you end up pressing harder.
Shavin yer face
You should apply a minumum of force on the razor.
Let it do the work.
Bring the blade against the direction of growth.
Since this ‘grain’ direction changes all over your face,
you must pay close attention,
Facial hair on the cheeks and throat
tends to grow downward and sideways,
— while hair on the side, neck,
and around the lip, more diagonally.
In general terms,
use upward strokes for everything under the chin line,
downward for everything above the chin line.
It will help to lift the skin around certain areas as you shave,
around the lip and chin,
and especially where you have any areas of
….. errrr, …. let’s say… extra skin.
Take smooth, even strokes, one at a time,
and rinse your razor after every stroke.
And don’t forget the back of your neck and your ears.
Yeah, I know….
that’s for geezers like me ….
………. well, you ain’t gonna
be 29 forever, dickweed.
Shaving Mister Happy
I know you were wondering
if I was gonna mention this.
And of course, knowing me,
you knew I would.
So here’s the story.
Some guys wonder
if / why they should shave Mister Happy.
After all, it seems like the last thing
you want around that part of your body
is anything wicked sharp.
Remember Lorena Bobbitt?
But, there are several good reasons to do it.
you’ll never persuade your girl friends
to do it if you’re not willing to do it………
Aren’t you a little tired of fishing
those little red hairs
out of the back of yer throat by now??
Second, once you get used to doing it,
it might actually be the high point of some weeks.
Third, women prefer a shaved area
when performing ………….
—- umm….. ,,
certain activities involving the tongue and mouth.
The area is easier and quicker to clean,
and smells better.
The end result will be –
you get more of the stuff you want.
‘Cause she’s kinda tired of fishing out little hairs too……
Fourth, and my favorite-
— the sensitivity of your pubic skin
to touch, warmth, and wetness goes way, way up.
The downside is you got to use skin conditioner on the area,
— and you get sweaty down there easier….
— cause there’s no hair to be sopping it up anymore.
Once you feel the difference,
you’ll be breaking out the Irish Spring and the blade….
…….. or better yet, get a pretty volunteer or two to do it for ya.
Have a shaving party!
Invite your friends and coworkers.
Make it BYOR. Bring yer own razor.
But don’t invite that cretin
down the street who’s been blocking your mailbox.
As far as execution is concerned
(sorry, probably the wrong choice of words, there…)
it’s really no different
than shaving your face, with two exceptions.
One- If you haven’t done it for a coupla weeks,
preliminary weed-wacking is a must.
Lets face it-
you wouldn’t try to mow the long grass
on a vacant lot without bushhogging it first, would ya?
Take it down as short as you can without snipping off something important.
Don’t use a bush hog here…
….. scissors or a trimmer will be sufficient.
Two- you can’t see most of the area in question,
so you gotta go by feel.
This is one place
you don’t want to be cheap with the lather.
Actually, if you use too much,
you may forget what you’re doing altogther,
— but this is a risk worth taking.
Rinse your razor constantly.
Be slow and deliberate with your strokes
especially when shaving the boys.
Go down as low as you want,
but unless you’re gonna shave yer legs, too,
don’t shave in the slot between your leg and pelvis.
If this is your first time, or it’s been a while,
then treat the area like a new tattoo..
Keep it moist, and use some triple anti-biotic on it, so it don’t break out.
The skin will adjust to the shaving after a while,
and you won’t get the irritation anymore.
Shaving other stuff
I do shave my chest,
and when a pretty volunteer is available, my back too.
— That’s just so I don’t look like Magilla Gorilla in a tank top.
It’s pretty easy,
and the skin in these areas adjusts quickly to the razor.
Some muscleheads shave their legs, too..
they say it brings out the muscle definition.
I tried it once, and I gotta say, it wasn’t worth the effort.
Man, that was serious work.
You should thank your little hottie everytime she does it.
If you are gonna do this, be sure you got plenty of time on your hands.
You’re really gonna love trying to get the back of your thighs and calves.
It also helps to have a nice tan,
otherwise, it’ll look like you got Birch stumps fer legs.
And get ready to bleed.
Hey – have fun!