Rust In Pieces

gyganI don’t know how to preface this post,

…..’cause I’m kinda ambivalent
about any technology having to do with vintage robots.

On the one hand,

I have a secret admiration
for the wherewithal required
of the engineers involved ,

But on the other,
I have always had
a sneaking suspicion
that these people were working
to replace us with their damnable gadgets.

And of course, looking at today’s economy,
….. I can see how true that statement really is.gygan

But this robot wasn’t just stealing jobs–
—– he could get his share of hotties, too.

It’s just another case of:
Robots Stealing Our Women,
…… dammit.

This nine foot tall, 1000 pound robot
from the mid 1950’s was called “Gygan”.

The brain child of Italian engineer Piero Fiorito…

The monster was an amazing accomplishment
considering the materials Fiorito had to work with —

— mostly adapted parts from “Meccano” sets.

( a British construction toy,
…. similar, but more versatile, b1
than “Erector Sets” in the U.S.)

Gygan could respond to voice commands—
— at a range of one mile.

He got all kinds of press coverage at the time,
…. containing all his pertinent facts —

He actually got fan mail —
Bags and bags of it.

Mostly from women.

— and, of course–
No media blitz would be complete without pictures —

gygan-giant-retro-robot And Gygan’s was no exception.

There were pics with Gygan:
testing his strength,
raising and lowering his arms,
grasping stuff with his claws,
crushing cans,
doing 20 pound curls (for the girls),
dancing,

……. and moving several other parts independently.

What parts, I dunno….,
…… but he could also pick up women with ease.

Maybe it’s the size of the aluminum kilt he’s wearing.

I can’t figure it,
basing it purely on the size of that skirt, though…

Well, I assume it’s sorta like what Tom Arnold said,
when defending the size of his schwanzstucker (look it up)
from Roseanne Barr’s post-divorce insults:interiorgygan

” Even a 747 would look small inside the Grand Canyon “

Ahem.

Anyhoo……

Gygan was made up of over 300,000 parts,
including 13 electric motors,
170 valves, more than 50 relays,

— and ran on a 28 volt battery
which could energize him for about 280 minutes..

About 4 hours.

That capacity also seemed to make him
very popular with the ladies at the time. gygandance

 

Redheads especially, apparently.

As I said…
I suspect foul play, man.

And–

Just as a little post script
to this story,
for all you engineering freaks,
and, of course,
those ladies who are looking to v2
replace their fella with something a little more durable……

Gygan ( also known as Cygan )
sold for $27,000 at the Christies’ Auction.

But, his rare, irreplaceable electronic gizzards
were nowhere to be found,

…… so he is out of the lady killer business,
permanently.

Long may he rust in peace.

HOY!

.

The Robots Are Stealing Our Women

saborSorry, fellas..

I’m probably just imagining stuff,
but, recently,

I’ve had this horrible feeling
that we’re being replaced.

Oh…

not ALL human beings….

…………… just us
MEN .

Oh wait–
before we get started, a —

Disclaimer:z3
I know I’m gonna get at least one
very nasty comment for the use
of a certain possessive pronoun
in the title of this post–
— consider it written and received.

You can go back to your man-bashing,
ball crushing,
and med-skipping
somewhere else now, thanks much.

Oh, and a hearty acknowledgement
for reminding me I why I chose
‘moderate comments’ when I set this blog up.

Ahem.

Where was I ?1

Oh yes.

I have a friend whose girlfriend
replaced him with one ( actually, two )
of those high tech-high dollar “Sybian”
vibrating saddle systems with optional
attachment-cucumbery-looking thingees.

Ummm….

The thing is…

I know that girl…
….. and I don’t know how she figured out
how to get that gizmo
to buy her expensive jewelry—
but I guess she musta !

It will be interesting to see how
she gets it to take her to those
fancy restaurants and bars she likes, tho.z1

And just what kinda currency
does one of them things use to pay her car payment?

Hmmmm…
Technology marches on, I guess.

I told my buddy
he’s got nothing to worry about, though…

Those things are only warranted for 6 months
or forty thousand miles,
whichever cums first.

He didn’t seem to think that was all that funny.

Jeeez…
a sense of humor is a terrible thing to waste.

Hmmm….
I guess maybe I should be a little more sympathetic.

2

While I would stack my strength and stamina
up against anything that runs on “D” cell batteries,
the newer robots use nanopulse-voltage
Lithium Ion Polymer battery technology —

And being in my 50’s now,
I’m thinking I’m gonna have to get a new charger.

I mean, this whole mechanical mania
actually started many years ago….

I blame the ‘Monsters from the Id’.

Once them 1950’s hotties realized that—

not only could Robbie the Robot in the movie
” Forgotten Planet ” go all night on one battery pack—

—- but that he could also whip up a designer dress with real ruby buttons in half a shake,

……… well, brothers, our fate was sealed.

Oh sure, he was kinda hard to cuddle with,3

……. but —

all the diamonds and rubies a girl could want–
do make pretty good substitutes I guess.

And that short skirted chick on
” Rocky Jones – Space Ranger ” —-

I know they said it was all platonic and all.

But, just look at the way she’s smiling.

Maybe it’s just cause
he’s doing all the typing….

Still….,

she is barefoot,
( and he ain’t got no pants on ) ……

………………….. and you know what THAT means.

4Sure, a lot of us thought…

so maybe — far in the future–

something like that might happen….

“Lost in Space” was set away up into the 21st Century.

Hell, that was a long time from now, we figured, when we wuz kids…..

And,

Alpha Centauri is a long, long way away.

Nothing to worry about, right??

Besides, these Robots weren’t making passes at any real human-type hotties like Judy or Penny.

Just some weird alien chrome-chick with toilet plungers built into her head.

No worries.

5But when Ginger on Gilligans Island started making passes at high tech aluminum alloy automatons in the sixties,

…………… well, then I knew it wasn’t just a phase.

Don’t gimme that whole:

“………. she was just trying to get them all off the island, and wasn’t really attracted to that mechanical monstrosity” stuff…..

This is Ginger, we’re talking about here.

She could never be that vacuous and phony.

It sure does give new meaning to the phrase “Erector Set” don’t it ?

Ok… so a fat lot of good it did Ginger, anyway  …..

…. not only wouldn’t that robot get them all the hell off the island,
but it seems he couldn’t even get HER off.

That doesn’t mean we ain’t got a whole lot to worry about, though.

There’s just too much of this in the media not to be verrrrry suspicious.
6
And it’s not just an American phenomena, either…..

Them toffee nosed Brits got just as much to worry about as us.

Take this pretty girl cozying up with a Dalek from ” Doctor Who “…..

I mean, if you see it on the BBC, it’s almost gotta be true, right?

There is some kinda conspiracy—

and, just look at that thing…

…………. it’s got no muscle tone at all.

And, yet, I don’t care how hard I work out in the gym,
I’m never gonna build the kinda guns that damn thing has.

And she seems to dig him.

It’s not just the suave British accent…. I’m pretty darn sure of that.

Let’s just say it then ….loverobots

Women do love robots.

They are ,
I guess,
much more cooperative when it comes to the whole ” clean up after yourself ” thing…..

And they are really low maintenance when it comes to stuff like putting laundry in hampers, and keeping beer in the refrigerator.

But tell me —
how do you think women
would feel if we suddenly substituted
a Lick-Me-Lolita
or an Accu-Jack Model 20 for one of them?

(I’m not saying some guys haven’t done that, z2
but not by choice, I don’t think…)

Hey, face it,
there are some things a robot just can’t do.

And it’s not like they’re in any way
compatible with human …
umm, er…. physiology.

The hydraulics on those clunky old robots
would be particularly difficult
to make user friendly,
if you know what I mean.

Definitely problematic, that.

Ok.

well, as long as robots stay
unrealistic, boxy,
clunky looking things…..

7I’m pretty confident that us men
are gonna be able to
hold our own, ya know ?

Wait a minute.

HEY!!!!!

Oh jeeeeez.

What next,
I ask you ?

Next thing ya know,
women will be ditchin’ us
for space aliens or somethin’.

( Or, am I gonna be sorry
I asked that question, hmmmmmm ?? )

.

By the way, just in case you are trying to reach me,
(fat chance, right?)
my email address changed last year,
so all those puppy-in-a-sombrero pics
are undoubtedly lost deep in the
inactive account archives of nowheres-land.com
if you sent em to the old address.

Resend em to:  carolinamuscle@outlook.com.

and remember–

“The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, 
And miles to go before I sleep. “

.

physiology