Letters of the Lovelorn

a3Hiya, Y’all.

For some reason,
we’ve been getting
all kinds of letters
here at the Müscleheaded Blog,

— asking for advice
on matters of the heart.

not about anginabomb

maybe something
that vaguely rhymes with it ?

– but no,
I meant love, wise guy.

And since everybody knows
that I don’t HAVE a heart,

and it is
alentines Day,

I thought we’d get suziewonder1
Miss Suzie Wonder,

our very own Müscleheaded
Blog Science Editor,

— to answer ’em for you.

I mean,
love is all about
science, right ???

Part biology,
part sociology,
part psychology,
part —

Oh, well,
it’s her damned job,

…… and she’s just
gonna have to do it.

Take it away, Suzie.


Love Advice — By Suzie Wonder

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these lettershammer
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,skin


considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other gag
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?


Dear Suzie ,
I always end up
getting in a fight

with my girlfriend
this time of year,

because otherwise,
I gotta spend a lot of money
for Valentines Day presents,
flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,

but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that
it’s just a matter of time
before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!

Careful With Money.

Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty

An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….


I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.withoutyou

(<editors note–
hey  !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)



Dear Suzie,
I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,
never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me.

Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too)

Prince Lovesick.

Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)



Dear Suzie, 
I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. pregnant

What should I do?
Signed, Anxious.
Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?

Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–rest
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)



Dear Suzie , 
I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.

With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.


Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)



Dear Suzie,
I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff,

…. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… love

I thought she’d never
know the difference,

but somehow she found out,
and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics.

She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is:
What’s wrongwtf
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,

A Plagiarist in Love.

Dear Dumbass:
I’m not even gonna
waste my breath on you.

PS : The above comment about
breeding goes double for you.

(<editors note–
sometimes Suzie can play
kinda rough, ya know? >)


Happy V-Day !




They Didn’t Call Her Ginger For Nothing

I know some of you
aren’t going to be
happy about all this,
but I might as
well spring the bad news
on ya all at once and
get it over with.

An exclusive Muscleheaded
Blog intensive investigation
has revealed facts that lead
us to an unavoidable
conclusion —-

despite reports and even
a theme song to the contrary,
the SS Minnow was not
accidentally tossed onto
an uncharted desert isle
in a storm after a three
hour tour.

No —
it turns out to having
been a conspiracy
of epic-normous proportions.

The wreck was pre-arranged –
– the island pre-selected –
– hidden cameras placed –

And the participants weren’t
supposed to get off that island
until the super-secret genetic
experimentations were

And that means —

Ginger with Gilligan.

The Skipper with Maryann.

Mrs Howell with that robot
from episode 34.

And all the other possible
permutations thereof.

Ask yourself….

Why did you only see the
larger ‘community hut’
appear in the first couple

Cause that’s where all the
lurid experimentations
took place.

I know it’s shocking.

Almost unbelievable.

But how else do you explain
the inexplicable fact that
the “professor” could invent
ANYTHING he needed out
of nothing but coconuts
and palm fronds—

— that is, except
waterproof glue with
which to repair the hull ?


certainly more than that.

And where did the women
get all those changes of
skin tight bathing suits
and sexy evening wear ?

Surely, not stuff you’d
take on a three hour cruise.


A necessary item to keep the
male participants ‘engaged’
in the experiments.

You know how I’m always
preaching about the
importance of visuals, so…..

So, yes,
it was a conspiracy.

Plain and simple.

No doubt about it.


so even if I am a bit
off base here,

(and I’m pretty sure I’m not)

doesn’t it
make that show
a whole
lot more fun
to watch now?

don’t thank me.

Just doin’
my part,
ya know.

!!!!! HOY !!!!!

Under The Clutter

Man, I’ve been
keeping stuff
too long in my
mail-bag directory —

— it’s getting so
that I can’t
even find specific stuff
I remember putting away
for a rainy day or just
the right post.

I was looking for
some stuff with a
touch of sexy, fun,
mixed with a double
entendre or two –

– happily, I came across a
whole folder full of them
just before I gave up

Making them
all stick together
in one post might be the
hardest part –
but, citing Dad’s rule
for making his
world-famous ‘pan’ cookies –
– ‘throw in whatever you got‘ –
– I don’t see how we
can lose, really.

Especially when
to his pan cookies.


Appropos to nothing —

You know, I haven’t done
a post about monsters

I dunno about you, but
I’m a big fan of monsters,
like Godzilla,
and Cookie Monster.

They’re outrageous,
and seem a bit dangerous,
but the only things they
really destroy are cardboard
cities and cardboard cookies.

I bet that bear at the picnic
table is waiting for some of
Dad’s pan cookies.

But, that’s only because
he’s never had em.

!!! HOY !!!

If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.



My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.


You can call it love, sure.
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )


Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..


6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?


…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….


frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!


Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.


For Sybarites Only

elvgren” The thing about
– he says,
his words slurred

with alcohol and


My friends are
always giving me
great ideas
to steal from them
for blog posts……

(Whether they
plan it that way,
or not….. )


Bathycolpian- a lady (like Jane Russell) with voluptuous breasts

The person responsible
for this one knows
who she is

( at least, if she’s even
reading this — )

and what she did
to inspire it

( at least,
— if she hasn’t
forgotten about it yet)

and of course,
what the hell
even means.


Honeyfuzzle — to compliment flirtatiously


not to ‘honeyfuzzle’ around,
but she is a very
creative person, you know.

And I can tell you,
as far as things
are concerned,
I’m a big, big, big fan.

Then, another of my
favorite readers
commented about
one of posts relating
to the word
callipygian ‘,


Brizzle — to heat to the point of ignition

(of which I am,
also a big, big fan )

— another word
which kinda
has the same connotation,

but not really…..

I know,
clear as mud.

But see,
that’s where the
whole bathycolpian
thing comes in.

( Hey–
I know what you’re thinking,
but this post
doesn’t have
anything to do


Eroteme — a question mark

with Betty Brosmer,
either )

Now, before you cast
that ‘eroteme’ in my direction …

or infer that
I’m being
somewhat of an ‘aeolist’ ….


I’ll just mention,
in passing, of course,
that this is another
in our posts about
expressing oneself
using ‘grandiloquent

Ludical- playful sensuality

Ludical- playful sensuality

back up —
I like that word —
— eroteme.

Sounds dirty,
somehow, doesn’t it ?

It just means a
question mark,
but still —

— you never really

know how down and dirty
that concept can get, right ?

It makes me ‘brizzle’
just thinking about


Aeolist– a person playing with words to seem wise

the ‘ludical‘ possibilities.

You see,
that’s how these words work–
they kinda stimulate the back side
of your brain and

— maybe even give
you ideas you never knew
you were gonna have.

And using them is
a helluva lot of fun, too.

Cause, really,
I’m just an old
‘sybarite’ at heart.

Boy Howdy,
am I ever.

!! HOY !!


Sybarite– a hedonist


!!!!! HOY !!!!!


The Friday Mail Bag

Damn, this has
been weird weather.

I don’t know whether
to wear my mukluks
or my tank top when
I leave the house
these days.

Maybe I should tune
in the weather forecast
once in a while.


Not that it’s that
or all that….

But I guess I’m
going to try once
again to put get
the Muscleheaded Blog
main posts into some
kinda organizational
system, so I know what
kinda write I need to
work on for the next day.

I like the fixed day
format fine, but not
for EVERY day–
so, we’ll try
(for the next
month or so)
to stick to Sunday
being for music posts,
Saturday for car posts,
and now Friday for
mailbag posts.

(of course, the daily
Pin Up
and Quote
features are unchanged.)

The other days,
you’ll still
have to take your chances
on just what the hell is
going to show up on
here, ya know?

And you know
what THAT means.

What does that mean?

I got nuthin, man.

So, anyhoo …
lemme know
how you like it.

(other than:
take this blog
and shove it“)
are always welcome.ne

And, hey –
– guess what.

Yep- Friday !

Mail bag,
here we come.

Let’s see,