Better Manners In Bed

Of all the places
I would think you
should exercise some
courtesy and manners,
perhaps the most
important place would
be in bed.

After all, it should
be a happy place –
– a friendly place –
a place where
joy abounds.

So, maybe
the thought of somebody
considering a book teaching
things like bedroom manners
to be necessary bugs me
just a little bit.

Then again,
it shouldn’t surprise
anybody, in this world
where please and
thank you’s are becoming
increasingly rare-ified.

Hell, what fun is a
weekend without
at least one good
thank you ma’am
may I have another?“,
I ask you ?

Oooops,
boy,
do I digress.

The books that opened our
post today were originally
printed in the 1930’s — so,
there was a lot of stuff like
how to share a sleeping
compartment on a train,
references to hot water
bottles, and the like —

Suzie Wonder and I
figured we might be
able to do better.

Hence, this post,
a single chapter of what
I’m sure will become an
annoyingly regular part
of the Muscleheaded blog
family.

Not near the 130 some pages
of the original, but then, I’m
not gonna send you a bill for
$19.95 either………

Unless, of course,
you’d be willing
to pay it.

Which is probably
out of the
question, right ?

Oh well.

Anyhoo ……….

I think we can boil this chapter
all down to an old fashioned
virtue called “consideration”-

For instance,
– jammies.

If you’d like your significant
other to ever be interested in
you in ‘that way’ again,
you should never wear
anything that reminds one
of a Canadian winter .

Even if it is
Canadian
winter outside.

Flannel is right out.

So are ‘footies’ ,
or anything that makes
you look like a ‘furry’.

Come on –
you really
should know better.

Suzie’s contribution is
this:

– that you should never,
never, never wear those
‘elephant trunk’ shorts
to bed unless she
specifically asks you
to wear them.

( And she won’t ).

I tend to agree —
as a practical matter,
there’s no sense in
reminding anyone
of one’s ….
errr….
shortcomings,
ya know.

Next…..

I think it’s always helpful
to have things clean and
shipshape…
– to smell good, so your
S.O. doesn’t want to send
out an S.O.S.
( save our stink )  .

Suzie says men should
always shave before they
go to bed.

Her reasoning has something
to do with the disagreeable
nature of cuddling a brillo-pad.

She says that a man can’t really
expect a woman to warm up to
a man whose face scrapes away
soft, silky, moisturized skin
faster than industrial paint
remover.

I definitely get her point……

A quick five minute going
over with an electric razor
might encourage all sorts of
other more timely adventures.

Good thinking, Suzie.

Now,
we’ve been having a
more spirited conversation
as regards to who should get
up in the middle of the night
to take the dog out if such
an eventuality should occur.

My feeling is that the duty
should be rotated –

Her feeling is that if she
rolls over and goes back
to sleep, that means that
you have to do it.

( And she will. )

See how helpful
this stuff is?

!!! HOY !!!

.

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Ooops I Did It Again

HumiliationYou know,
your mother tried
to warn you about it
a long time ago.

Remember?

She told you…
always wear clean underwear

….. cause you never know
when you’re gonna get
in an accident.

She wanted to save you
from the bane of all mankind –car

HUMILIATION.

The forcible, unexpected,
and totally embarrassing
humbling of a human being:

……. from a proud, strong,
potent individual ——

to a grovelling, quivering bowl
of jello looking for a place to
hide his shame.

And, even assuming
you do wear clean
underwear,

(… which would
be very nice,
thank you ….)

there are gonna be times
when humilation is gonna
happen to you,

whether you could do
anything to avoid it or not.

Don’t get me wrong, here.

I’m not saying humiliation
doesn’t serve a potentially
useful function for society.

There are people who need
one heapin’ helpin’ bleach
of humility on a
continual basis.

Unfortunately, it never seems
to happen to them.

Instead, it always seems to
happen to nice guys like
you and me.

But maybe it’ll help to
talk about it, huh?
google
Yeah..
that’s me…
Mister Helpful.

Let’s say you’re on a first date
with this new cutie you met
at the Quickie Lube.

It’s a poshy restaurant,
where Garçon knows
your name and even
what you drink.

(Wild Turkey
on the rocks)gramps

You figure
that’ll go a long way
to impress her.

Conversation flowing nicely.

She likes dogs,
you like dogs.

She likes movies,
you like movies.

She likes lobster,
you order it for her.

It’s going swimmingly,
until you off handedly
remark that Betty Freidan
was no better of a writer
than she looked.ironcity

And now,
you’re wearing that
expensive 1997 M. Chapoutier
La Mordorée Côte-Rôtie….

— it’s dripping from every
facial orifice…
and your pocket feminist has stormed out.

What do you do?

Sure, you could blush
redder than cheap Sangria,
mop your face immediately,
and beat feet outta there, too.

But, you got your pride.james

Hey, buddy-
she just threw $300 bucks
of grape juice in yer face,
you know?

Not to mention you
haven’t touched your
Wild Turkey.

Or—
you could let it drip,
smile, wave at the sommelier-
and tell him in a calm,
modulated voice- that:

“although she didnt
like the wine,
I think it’s wonderful, please
bring me another of the same –
and MORE TURKEY.

Now you can daub,
very calmly, very carefully.

Just like James Bond.

Shaken, but not stirred.

You are cool, man.lol

You gotta stay cool..
you gotta keep your
cockyness.

A lot of people find
having a colonoscopy
humilating…

so much so, they get
put to sleep while
they endure it.

Not me.moth

I tell the Doctor I want to
compare the experience
with the time I was picked
up by aliens.

You gotta stay loose.

It doesnt matter what
the source of the humiliation —

— If your dental plate comes
out while you are arguing with
some creeps in a bar, start yelling:
“I’LL GUM YA BASTARDS!!!”

If the rolled up sock comes
outta your shorts while
you’re on the leg press –
(we all know what it’s
doing there, don’t we?) –

— smile, pick it up and
put it back.

After all, you weren’t fooling
anybody, anyway, pal.

If you run into an old girlfriend
on a busy street while strolling
with your new prospective hottie,

and she loudly reminds you
of all the weight you’ve gained
since she last saw ya —-

You can joke that the best weight
you lost was that 130 pounds of HER.

Caught wearing shortsstiffy
during a sudden snowstorm?

A mere bag o shells, my friend.

Look at everybody
and smirk like they’re
wimps for shiverin in their coats.

Bad haircut?

Oh hell…
why suffer needlessly?
Buy a hat.

Clap or laugh
at the wrong time?

Keep it up until everybody wtf
else figures they should
be, too.

That girl in the bar tell ya
that you remind her of
her dear departed ole
Grandpop?

Ask her if he was
as good in bed as you are.

Lose your bathing suit at
Waikiki Beach in high waves?emb

I mean, you cant stay
out there all day….
and there’s not enough
sea weed for a makeshift
hula skirt.

Do I what I did.

Wave surf in
on your tummy,
and then run like hell
for your towel.

Oh,
and don’t forget to smile.

!!! HOY !!!

11

Putting A Spin On Pool

” If you hit the ball
like that,
you’ll make it. “

Billiards is a game
that is internationally
popular….

And they’ve
been making postcards
to cash in on the game’s
popularity for a
long time —

At least
120 years.

And
there are
an endless supply
of double-entendre
captions and
implications that go
right along with that.

Just what we really
love around here.

Hey,
any game with racks,
holes, sticks, and balls
is bound to get a little
English spun on it,
right?

Sure,
you can call
it POOL ,
you can call it
8 BALL,
you can call it
CUE BALL,
or you can get
all fancy and call it
BILLIARDS………

Actually, once you
start playing, you find
there are all kinds of
variations that use
the sort of table, cue, balls,
and other stuff in different
ways —

There are games like:
Snooker
Three Cushion
Five Pins
Kelly Pool
Straight Rail
Cutthroat
Kaisa
Pyramid
Carom
Nine Ball
One Pocket
British Pool
et al.

You’d need a very big
book o’ rules to know
how to play most of
these games……..

It’s not just slap any old
ball into any old hole.

Finesse is something
they almost all require.

Aficionados will definitely
call you on the slightest
breach of etiquette, so……..

And I’m told that, if this
isn’t confusing enough,
these different games
can be sub-categorized
into 3 main types :

Carom Style
( doesn’t use pockets )

Snooker Style
( which uses a bigger table)

and what we usually call
“Pool”
(like 8 ball and one pocket).

There’s also
“Bumper Pool”
for those who enjoy
additional obstacles
when playing all
the angles.

I’m confused when I
hear people knock the
game as inappropriate
for young men,
because when you
come right down to it,
the games require an
understanding of
geometry and physics…..

And even more importantly,
as Professor Harold Hill
most eloquently put it :

” Helps ya cultivate
horse sense, and
cool head
and a keen eye. ”

” Did you every take
and try to give an
ironclad leave to
yourself from a three
rail billiard shot? ”

In other words,
one must always think
clearly and considerately
before touching a rack,
or putting his stick and
balls any where near
a desired hole in question.

Which,
seems to me a pretty good
lesson to learn early in life.

Oh shit….

and I thought
this one wasn’t
gonna get dirty.

!!! HOY !!!

Doin’ The Donut

1948As you’ve probably have learned
from reading the Muscleheaded Blog —

There’s a lot about
the previous generations
that they never told us about.

We grew up thinking
that they didn’t have all that many vices to speak of —

….. at least,
I did.

Anddoll
boy howdy,
were we misled.

I guess maybe it was
just a whole lot easier
to keep their
whims,
peccadilloes,
and fancies secret
than it is for us today.

doughnutgames

But,
we can always
get a glimpse
of just how weirddonutgames
they were back then,
from their printed matter–

— like advertising,
and
of course,
postcards
and brochures.

This interesting submission
came to ushole
all the way
from California.

If emails needed stamps,
that woulda got
kinda expensive.

And somehow,
I shouldn’t be all
that surprised
that it came from
there, either.um

Yes,
my friends…..

The next time your party
starts to go flatter than one
of Suzie Wonder’s
gluten-free pancakes–

You can become the
life of the gang bang,
with this handy guide.

It’s called:
The Most Popular
Donut Games
” —
and features 9 or 10
exciting and festive excuses
— to buy a bunch of donuts.bend

( Sure, you could just eat ’em,
but what fun would there be in that? )

It contains some very
strange suggested diversions –

Like this illustration
on how to eat donuts
‘doggie style’.

I dunno if a poodle skirtdonutqueen
is optional or not.

But I like the hands-tied-
behind-the-back idea,
anyway.

Nothing says “PARTY” to me
like bondage.

Also included,
are a complete set of rules
for amusing yourself and your party guests with :

The Donut Snatch Dance.

Yes, sure,
the namea1
suggests an interesting
party concept for sure…

But in this case,
it’s simply about
making chicks
carry a donut around
on a red ribbon
while the guys at the
party try to take a bite out of it.

If they get a piece…,
of her donut,
that is… ,
they get a dance.

I’m so disappointed.

Still, it has potential.

You could substitute for1951
the donut, I guess…

And the prize could have
been upgraded on demand,
for all I know.

While I’m no fan of donuts,

(well, ok,
a nice French Cruller
every once in a while
goes nice with a double espresso)

—— any excuse
for friskiness at a boring party,
no matter how mundane,
is OK with me.donutime

Hey, man —
It’s always Do-Nut time.

Umm…
……. yeah.

 

 

And since
I’m obviously still writing
the same tawdry kitsch
I’ve been doing for 15 years now,

—– these submissions are
right up my alley.

Of course,
one of these days,
I might even start dunk
getting good at it,
too… dammit.

Hey–
it could happen.

And I do love donuts.

Oh,
and by the way,1957
friends, remember–

The next time
you place your order ,
Don’t forget to say :

NO ANCHOVIES, PLEASE.

Ahem.

Hey Mister Moose–
Myrna says:
Have A Donut !!!!!

HOY!

myrnasayshaveadonut

Hair Raisin’

a11Man,
I’m losing my mind,
I think,
with all these
wild hairs
growing ape shit
all over .

Ok…
Wait…

Take a breath
and calm down.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Better ?
Now,
tell your story, man.begin

Well, you see
it’s like this……

As much as I hate
to admit it,
I’m getting older.

And as I’ve gotten older,
that beautiful mane
of chestnut brown hair
that I was always so proud
of has gone the color of
an almond tree blossom

— and worse yet,
it’s all starting
to thin out.

Now, you’d think
Mother Nature
in her infinite wisdom
would come to the rescue
with some fill-in hair.

And she did, sorta–

If you wanna call
it hair, that is —

It’s more like it fell
out of a wire brush .

You practically gotta trim it
with a weed cutter.

She’s been puttin’
this patchy, scraggley stuff
just about everywhere
I don’t need or want it.

What got me started
on this slightly distasteful
and probably ill-advised
topic, you may ask?

Well,a2
I was sitting in my bedroom
just minding my own business,
— with a mirror and
a big honkin pair of
needle nosed pliers–
for pulling out about
700 hideously unmanageable nose hairs…..

( ’cause nothing gets people
staring like a wild hair
that keeps creeping out
of your nose wheneverb
you move your face….. )

when this beautiful
and incredibly sexy lady
happens to saunter on by,
and remind me of the
special hi-tech motorized
nose hair trimmer
that she bought me
for Christmas.curly

Me, not one to argue
with a woman with such
outstanding nipples
like hers….
I tried it out.

No soup, man.

It didn’t do nothingscalped
but vibrate my uvula.

Which was kinda
giving me other ideas,
but that’s another post.

Anyhoo —
the hair was so stubborn
that the battery operated
blades would just move ’em around.

Sorta like a
Trichological
Tilt-O-Whirl.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So,
back to theunderhat
needle nose pilers,
I went.

The aforementioned lady
and the nipples adorning her
stormed off in sorta a huff —

But I coulda told her
that contraption was gonna
be no match for middlekreml
aged man nose hair.

And what’s with this hair
growing on my shoulder????????

Why the hell does
Mother Nature
think I need hairy
shoulders?

Did you ever try to reach fitch
your shoulder blades with a razor?

Maybe if you’re
a contortionist you can do it —
otherwise, you just walk around
looking like a guy
with hair growing on his shoulders.

Yuk, man.

Another place that
Nature finds irresistible
to plant unwanted new hairs now
is the outside of my ears.1946

And let me tell you —
Shaving your ears
is a blood-fest
waiting to happen.

Especially when you shave
like I do —

Press as hard as you can,
and hope you get it
all in one sweep.wh

Yeah,
like that’ll happen.

The good thing,
I guess,
is that
all my red towelslucky
stay bright red
no matter how much I wash ’em.

Not to mention the fact
that little drops of
splashed blood
adds a wonderfully lived-in look to any bathroom décor,
ya know.

And when Mama Nature
IS feeling generous enough
to replace the hair on my head,

— it’s so unruly and stringeya1a
it won’t stay down —

it sticks up like
I’m some kinda
demented Sqweezel.

I can’t seem to comb
the stuff down —

I feel like I’d have
to use Elmers Glue !

Hey,
I didn’t sign up
for all this weird aging shit.

!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme my old hair back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOY !!!

tiger


 

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The Stain On The Sofa

We’re feeling a bit
philosophical here at
the Muscleheaded Blog
today, which is kinda
strange when you think
about it, since we can
barely spell ‘philosophical’
usually …..

but hey-

— stranger things
have happened.

N-How.

For example,
you can choose
to look at this as
just another day,
or you can recognize
that Fridays are
really Mother
Nature’s way of
reminding you
that things could
always be worse.

N-Double-How, man.

I was just watching
a weird Irish
puppet/interview show
on my ginchey new
TV gizmo –

– the show was called:
Bronx Bunny ” —
and it put me in a very
weird mind-set.

Obviously, I am
NO LONGER
the crassest horn-dog
on the planet,
because I have been
thoroughly supplanted
by a semi-stuffed
panda bear
named Teddy T.

All I can tell you is,
if
you watch it, I’m not
responsible for any of the
content therein, nor the
therapy you’re likely to
need after said viewing.

And yes,
Teddy ….

Marina Sirtis was incredibly
hot on that space show.

‘N-How in triplicate.

Lost, yet?

Oh, sure ya are…

.. we all are, really,
when you get right
down to it.

You can let out a big
ole sigh anytime you
get tired of this
convoluted
stream o’ consciousness
thing that we’re
engaging in today,
and we’ll get on
with the well-vaunted
and well-loved
mail-bag segment
for this week.

Anytime,
now……

Ummm…

Oh, sorry.

Gotcha.

Thought that was just
Teddy-T doing his
heavy breathing
exercises again.

Mailbag here we come.

Today’s mailbag
I like to call
‘Popular Postcard
Wisdom’.

Seriously,
though….

Watch out for that stain
on the back of the sofa.

!! HOY !!