Don’t Call Him Father

I don’t like to lie.
I’m no good at it.

It goes back all
the way back to
my childhood……..

My mother would use
torture when she
caught me lying.

A torture from the
bowels of hell itself…..

….. so painful,
so hideous,
so foul…….

…… a preparation
probably first used
by the dreaded
Spanish Inquisition
to extract confessions
from heretics…

I know that the
label makes it look
harmless enough…..

But to a kid, it was
an eventuality to
be avoided
at all costs.

It was called
Father John’s Tonic.

………… and my mother
used it as a truth serum.

If she caught me
stretching the truth
she’d keep feeding me
this stuff until that lying
devil left never to return,

……. and I confessed to
everything and anything.

Yes, I broke yer vase.

Yes, I pulled my sister’s hair.

Yes, I kidnapped the
Lindburgh baby…….

…….. anything!!!!

Just stop force feeding
me that awful  stuff!!!!

It worked.

It worked so well,
that most of the
time, people accuse
me of being too direct,
too straight out with it.

Well, don’t blame me…
blame Father John.

Invented in 1855 in Lowell,
Massachusetts, it was
supposedly originally
formulated without
alcohol to make a
sick parish priest
feel better before
services.

His name?

Father John O’Brien.

And despite the terrors
that this stuff gave any
kid who ever tasted it,
it really was only
cod liver oil, gum
arabic, glycerin,
sugar, licorice, and
some flavoring.

Sometimes, you’d
just have to taste it,
to understand.

!!! HOY !!!

.

(Note: I have been
given to understand
that the product
currently using
that trade name
has been reformulated
since the 1960’s.)

 

 

 

 

 

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The Express Elevator To Nowhere

Folks don’t understand
sometimes just how
difficult it is being
one of WordPress’s
least loved blogs.

Hey,
it takes a
huge
non-commitment
of wasted time
and
useless resources
to bring you this
modicum of
mediocrity,
such as it is.

I won’t kid you
and tell you that
other interests
and distractions
don’t often
interfere with
getting this
whole mess of
a Muscleheaded
Blog put together
and posted on time
every day.

Lots of stuff
on
the proverbial plate.

Especially
for such
an unfashionably
obstreperous guy
like me with such
a short attention span.

As constructive
an activity
as it might seem
to be….winona

….. searching the
internet for stray
Winona Ryder
in-the-bathtub pictures
(that I haven’t
already seen)
can sure consume an
awful amount of a
man’s free time.

( Ok,
there’s one for you……..

Jeez–
next time,
do your owna1
‘research’, pal. )

Ahem.

Getting back to
the subject
at hand for just a mo….

( since she won’t
move hers… )

It ain’t easy being
such an unknown and unappreciated Jean-Yuss
of the fabulous world of
blogging.

After all,
it would be virtually
impossible to writea3
all those crummy posts
about what happened
to me at the gym today,

…..if I didn’t actually
darken the door of the
place once in a while.

( Of course, you don’t
need to live there like
I do, I guess… )

Ah well…
You gotta
write from
experience,
Hemingway.

And all the
expensive
trappings of
this blog,
— you think
these fancy
frills like words
comes cheap?

I woulda retired
years ago,
if it weren’t for my
punctuation bill, alone—

……… that,
and the fact that
I like to eat
once
in a while.

Free time’s
hard to come by,
…………. and so are topics
I feel like writing about.

As I get older,a121
it seems like it gets
harder and harder
to find the energy to
do stuff that I ain’t
enthusiastic about.

And you can just
ask my boss about it,
— if you don’t believe me.

Years ago,
he’d say ‘ travel ‘,
I’d say “where’s my passport?” .

Now, he says ‘ travel ‘,
I tell him that
just calling somebody
on the phone 
anywhere
west of the Mississippi
wears me out,slip

………… and anyway,
my parka and muk’luks
are at the cleaners.

Several longtime
readers and friends
like to exchange ideas
about blog topics with me,

and they’re usually full of wonderful concepts
that would make engaging and entertaining posts.

Which is terrific.
…… only, we are talking
about THIS blog.

Engaging
and entertaining?

Oh, posh.pool

So anyhoo…..

I decided to follow
this weird line
of thought about
why stuff interests me.

I just hope I don’t
say something stupid.

Uhhh…. yeah.

Women, for instance.

I’d love to blog about women
every cotton-picking day.

I like em.

All shapes,
sizes,
ages,
and types.

As a group,
they’re interesting,
beautiful,sallyfield
funny,
sexy,
fun to look at,

and a whole lot
more joy to be
around, than guys —

………. especially the guys that constitute 99%
of the people I’m
around at the gym,
or at work.

(Yes, that’s Sally)

But I can’t blog
about
women every day,

because,
although it would
never get monotonous
for ME,

….. it might not be
all that readable day
in and day out for
my group of
hardcore readersaedit

(like my Mom and
those few others),

possessing obviously
discriminating taste
in blogs,

but who would probably
not appreciate
being mentioned by name,
I’m sure.

Well, lessee….

Music is always
fun to post about….

Originally,
I had it in mind
to post another oneborntoadd
about the Best Rock
and Roll Album Covers…..

(boy, are you
already sick of
album covers,
huh? )

I got to thinking
about ones I liked
that I hadn’t previously
mentioned…

And then,

I ran into this one.

It completely messed
up my train of thought.

I was suddenly on the
express elevator
to a raving post about
nothing and nowhere.

‘Cause, as great
an album cover
Bruce Springsteen’s
Born To Run” was,

Without question,
this cover is better.

And that’s how stuff works.

You think you got your mind
sharpened to a razor’s edge….

Your concentration
is rock steady —

You’re feeling passionately
committed to saying
what you wanna say.

…… you start toduck
write fervently–
feverously, even.

And then, something
comes along
and knocks your GBS
( global blogging system )
off line.

Suddenly, the post has gone
completely off course.

It almost seems
like some kinda conspiracy–

yeah
— a conspiracy….

to get me so addled that
I won’t be able to do
anything but blow
little bubbles of spittle—

—while babbling about
ancient watermelon-worship cults

and fun places to eat when you
happen to be visiting
French Lick, Indiana.

Boy,
that reminds
me of something.

Talk about Freudian slips.

.

freud

The Rules Of The Internet

It may seem to
folks that the
internet is just
a jumble of
commercials,
cat videos,
pornography
and irritating know
nothing commentaries….

Of course,
it’s all of that,
and less.

If a space traveler
just returned from
Alpha Centauri,
and had missed
the last 35 years
completely, when he
did finally tune in his
300 baud modem to
what we call the World
Wide Web- he might
make the mistake of
thinking that it was
just a free-for-all,
no-holds-barred
form of digital
grab-bag.

Ok, now this is
where some
wise guy starts
to explain the
impossibility of
travelling near the
speed of light —

a definite requirement
for this spaceman to
have gone there and
back in that amount
of time… or how it’s
maybe it’s only possible
with a parabolic time
bend, a black hole, or
maybe E=MC2 is just
a load of complicated
alpha-numeric horse-shit.

Please, save that
for somebody
who understands
all those arguments.

Hey, they did it
in “Lost In Space”,
so….

And it’s just a
hypothetical situation,
alright, already?

Remember Rule 1.

Ahem.

Where wuz I ?

That poor
internet-deprived
guy from Outer Space..
yeah, I remember now.

There actually,
quelle surprise,
are a number of
Internet Rules,
I’ll have you know.

Well,
not rules exactly.

Guidelines?

No, that’s
not right
either…

I think that’s the
name of the
magazine
some wise guy
at work signed
me up for.

Errr —

Guideposts.

Never mind.

Anyway…

I’ve done a bit of
shoddy research
(my favorite kind)
and find that there
are indeed a set
of non-binding
things we can use
as a excuse for
today’s post.

You’ve heard
of Rule 34, right?

Well, like that.

How about we
look at the
“Best Of” the top
25 rules, shall we?

Rule 1 – Never talk over
the average reader’s head.

Rule 8 – There are no coherent
rules about what’s really
appropriate for posting on any site.

Rule 9 – There are no coherent
rules about how a moderator
will censor you on any site.

Rule 11 – Never promote
another social network on
another one. See Rule 8 and 9 .

Rule 12 – Never talk back/argue
with flamers or trolls. They spew,
therefore they are not.

Rule 13 – Labels are a way of
pissing on somebody’s parade.

Rule 15 – Don’t try to take over
as internet dictator.
Post and let post.

Rule 19 – Original content
is only new for a coupla
seconds.

Rule 20 – Don’t believe anything
you read on the internet.

Rule 21 – Cat-fishing is the
internet’s favorite sport.

Rule 22 – People who point out
spelling and grammar mistakes
are lost souls without hope of
redemption.

Rule 23 – Nothing is sacred.

Rule 24 – Never skip leg day,
and always re-rack your weights.

Rule 25 – When it comes
to things like “Internet Rules”,
consult Rule 20.

.

!! HOY !!

.

 

Search Terms Are Like Requests Around Here

Hiya.

Occasionally,
I like to look back
at my “STATS” section
here on WordPress, to
see where all the traffic
that we get around here
( yeah, right ) is coming
from….

One of the things
that’s featured
in there is a list
of the ‘search
terms’ folks used
to find us in
the first place.

Now, I don’t want
to imply that
there are some
pretty bent folks
out there, (and
God Bless Em, I say)
but there sure must
be a few- searching
blogs for references
about:
“Osphresiolagnia” ,
“Starting a sex lost
and found business”,
“Gee Whiz pin ups”
“Mary Willumsen”
and
“George Of The
Jungle Rule 34” .

“Osphresiolagnia” –
is deriving sexual
pleasure from odors —
like enjoying the fragrance
of freshly mown grass,
for instance.

Ok, I confess,
so I had to look up
what most of these
things even was,
(except Rule 34, of course)
never mind the fact that I
don’t I have the slightest idea
why the searcher would have
been directed to my site.

But, as Oscar Wilde never
said, there’s no such thing
as bad internet referrals, so…..

Anyway, so today on the
Muscleheaded Blog, we’ll
handle these WTF search
terms like requests for
information ( and maybe
screams for help, too )
and go ahead and satisfy
em the best we can —

( well, in a manner of
speaking, anyway. )

After all-
as game as I am for new
things, there’s only so far
I can go with some things
without having to worry
about ER visits or PTSD.

I’m sure you understand.
Ahem.

” Joan Blondell
in her undies? ”

Easy, Peezey.

So’s that reference to
Mary Willumsen, an
early Danish cheesecake
postcard purveyor —
circa 1916.
(See Bottom Pic)

On this George Of The
Jungle thing, though….

Just in case you’re not
familiar with ole George,
he was a goofy Tarzan-like
cartoon character back
in the 1960’s —
part of the Rocky &
Bullwinkle hour, I think.

After that,
the cartoon series
was redone for the 1990’s,
followed by a couple of
really crummy movies.

The reference
to ” Rule 34 ”
is probably the only really
interesting part of the search –

” Rule 34: There is porn
about everything and
anything. No exceptions.”

Sorry,
— rules of the internet.
No exceptions.

Not all the search terms
were naughty, however…..

Some were downright
sensible, I must say….

Like ” Ann Margret
on a Motorcycle. ”

Man, I’ve got the
whole series of those;
that chick loved
choppers.

There was
also :

” Easter Erotica “,
(bunnies humping
hard boiled eggs, I gather)

” Little Debbie Art”
(eewwww…..)

and
” Black Leather
Lois doll”.

Oh, me likey.

.

!!!! HOY !!!!

.

Mary Willumsen

 

Pull My String

muPull Da String !

One thing is for certain…….

I’m easily amused.

And even more
easily distracted.

I must be,
man.

A good friend
of mine
( Hiya C )
has suggested
another post
on puppets…….mule

Now, if you
haven’t been
keeping track,

(shame on you)

I’ve posted a couple
of different thingsrabbit
about puppets
over the years
that the Muscleheaded
Blog has been on
Wordpress……

( like this one,
— or this one )

And while I thoughthandshadow
that all those posts
were pretty
semi-amusing,

they really didn’t
nearly cover
all the special nonsense,
niceties and nuances
that the weird world
of puppetsduck
has to offer.

And frankly,
I’m betting
that neither
will this one.

It’s funny ….camel
— just how
blogging works,
ya know.

As a practical matter,
you’d think that all
you’d have to do
is start writing about a subject,runci
and it’d be pretty easy
to end up with a cohesive
and intelligible product.

And maybe it does work
that way for some people.

But for me, with my
sempiternally short
attention span,
(sure it’s a word –
— look it up)
it’s hard to stay on track —

there’s so many directionsexhibit
that this post could take —

— even on a
relatively mindless
subject such as puppets.

I mean,
what’s a puppet anyway,
but something
that you either
shove your finger/hand up into –

… umm…
steady on, now….

— or something you control
with strings, levers,
poles, etc.fantasia

Simple things…..

— hey, you could even
make a bunch of puppets
out of nothing but light
and a couple of digits.

Which brings me to
the original direction
that this post was
going to take …..

how to make
shadow puppets….

that is, earlebergey
before all the pin ups
featuring puppets
starting wrecking havoc
with my imagination.

Hey,
dammit,
I’m sorry,
I really am.

Sure —
I coulda
stuck strictly
to the subject at hand….

(yeah, puppet-pun humor)fionastephensopn

but, I have my integrity
as a dirty minded
Musclehead to consider.

You cannot possibly hope
to understand
just how convoluted
it got around here —

as I tried to
boil this post down
to something

that would makeelvgre
a bit of sense.

I’m not talking
Pulitzer Prize, now….

Well, if they insisted,
I guess I’d accept,
but….

So anyhoo…

As the man said,
what you see
is what you get.

.

HOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

elvgren

The Trance Dance

Let’s play
a mind game.

Yes, it is
time once
again for the
Friday Mailbag,
but today we’ll
try something a bit
different from our
usual process.

Instead of
picking content
to match
our theme,
we’ll go for
the opposite –

– we’ll pick a pic …

( try saying that
428 times fast
without losing
count or your mind )

.. out of Ye Ole
MailBag ,
and then
see if we can
find something
interesting
to say about it.

I bet you’re
already yawning –
– yet, this idea
seems both oddly
appealing and
challenging, so
I’m willing to
throw in all my
chips and
go for it, and
why don’t you
breeze right along?

Now, the first one
don’t count,
since it’s
just a ‘grabber’ –

– but,
think back –
how did that
one grab ya ?

It didn’t make
your eyelids feel
all droopy and
stuff, did it?

Ahh well,
that happens a
lot around here,
no worries.

Eyes do get
tired, ya know.

I’m not saying
that you go
back to it, and
then stare at it,
or get any sub-
conscious ideas
from it at all…

No,
nothing
like that.

Ok-
I’ll try harder,
I promise.

Just take a nice
long deep breath.

This change of
approach is kinda
relaxing ….

Don’t you think ?

Almost like you
could just
close your eyes
and let it all go..

No big deal.

No, I’m not
trying anything….

All of my tricks
would pass right
over you; like you
don’t even notice
them.

They’re just so
routine for you –
almost boring.

The words
would slide
right over
and through
you, without
your mind
paying them
any attention
at all.

You can relax,
there’s nothing
you need to
worry about.

Ahhhh.

Kinda warm
in here, ain’t it ?

!!!  HOY !!!!

.