Major Suckage

Lame as it might
seem, it’s time
for yer Ole Uncle
Nuts to delve once
again into the vague
and incoherent
world of nautical
allegories –

– such as the fact
that we’ve already
sailed one more day
toward the edge
of what very well
could be a flat
world called 2019.

And spinnakers
aren’t all that
great at catching
a vacuum.

See what I mean
about vague and
incoherent?

We do that a lot
around here.

OK,
so,
cheer up, man.

There’s a big bottle
of bourbon in my
foot locker.

Anyhoo…..
speaking of
a vacuum…

I thought today,
we’d talk about
household vacuum
cleaners.

Why?

Well, at least one of
my readers has admitted
to getting his significant
other such a machine for
Christmas, and I thought
I’d rub it in ….

( Errr… I mean,
explain the background )
a bit.

And a nice Hoover with
all the attachments might
be just exactly what she
wants, I dunno.

( Yeah,…. right .
There’s still time, brother… )

The first carpet sweeping
devices were invented
around the middle of the
1800’s ; they created
a vacuum using a
hand operated bellows.

Then toward the end of
the 1890’s, electric motors
were added – not to suck,
so much, but to blow the
dirt around .
( actually into a specially
designed receptacle. )

It wasn’t until 1905 that a
British inventor came up with
a practical vacuum cleaner
device for the home — it was
called “Griffith’s Improved
Vacuum Apparatus for
Removing Dust from Carpets”.

Both the Kirby and the Hoover
came along a couple years
later- with obviously simpler
brand names, but using the
same basic principle.

They remained relatively
expensive devices, though,
until after World War II –
when the rage for
wall-to-wall carpets in
homes made them almost
a necessity.

Overall, it’s been
a pretty useful and
safe appliance …..

But, over the years,
there have been dozens
of deaths attributed to the
electric vacuum cleaner,
and fall into 3 general
categories:

1: Accidental electrocution:
( what a shock, huh ?)
like trying to suck the
water out of your bath
tub while you’re still in
it.

.

2: Auto-erotic :
( what a buzz-kill, huh? )
like the Oxford student
who was getting kinky
with a couple plastic
bags and a vacuum cleaner.

.

3: Getting hit with one:
( what a way to void
a warranty! )

.

There actually used to
be a 4th common way
to get killed involving
a vacuum cleaner, but
those damned door-to
-door Rainbow Vac
salesmen have finally
given up on my house.

.

!!!! HOY !!!!

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The Pulpier The Better

outofideasIt seems like the
trend in Hollyweird
these days is to
remake everything
they can get
their hands on……

And
come on,
did they
really need
to revisit “Ant Man
and The Wasp” from
comics ?

Lame,
man, lame.

Talk about
running out of ideas.worldofif

When they do
come up with
something of a
semi-original plot
idea —

it’s about turning
obnoxious rich guys
into pet house cats
so they’ll have to
spend more time
with their
just-as-obnoxious
families.

Oh well,
at least he
can’t complain
about not getting
enough pussy,
anymore.eat

Anyhoo —
back in the
vein of remakes,

I was thinking
that a fertile field
that Hollyweird
has thus-far
failed to tap
is the whole genre of
bad pulp paperbacks
from the
1950’s
and 1960’s–

After all,
how much
worse can
the movies getacdc
than they are now?

Of course, anybody
who has ever had
the pleasure of
furtively perusing
one of these vintage,
shabby pulp tomes
(as a young boy)
knows that the
interesting content
is all on the cover …..

— the rest of
the book
might as well
be an
encyclopedic entry
set on demonstratingcruel
the literary concept
of boring.

Vapid,
Tedious,
Lackluster,
Stodgy,
Mundane,
Banal,
Stale,
Unimaginative,
Jejeune,

—- Dullsville,
man.

Flat as
a pancake. 

Again, though —
it seems perfectly
in tune with the
current movie trendexp
which provide more
than ample breaks
in the action for the opportunity to go
visit the snack bar
several times during
a feature without
missing so much
as an Ooooh,
or an Ahhhh.

‘Cause at
the movie theatre —

Popcorn is profit.

Hmmmm….

Come to think about it…

Movies have gone through
all kinds of expensive,libraian
technological changes
over the years —

Panavision,
Technocolor,
3-D,
Sensoround,
Dolby Sound,
Digital Animation ….

All to produce,
what,
to average Joe,
is no more than
a hum-drum
minor adrenaline
surge at the
52:17 mark.

Popcorn
can do that,nursey
and has required
absolutely no expensive breakthroughs in
production technologies,

— nor has it
required spiraling
multi-billion dollar
contracts for over-paid
actors, writers,
and the rest of that ilk.

So my idea is that
we print up a few vintage
risque paperback covers
and charge people
to stand in line
at the snack bar
and look at em.

They can useprinc
their imagination
to develop the plots,
characters,
situations,
and
all the happy
endings they want.

We simply provide:

a $100 popcorn popper

and a years supply
of popcorn,

artificially flavored
synthetic ‘butter’

( really, just something
to wet the stuff,
but nothing to interfere
with the bland taste
which is so key to today’s sinstreet
cutting edge media
experience,
apparently )

plus a soda fountain,

posters,

an attendant that moves
slower than molasses,

and of course,
plenty of napkins.

You know,
for the happy
endings.

Jeeeez….

I’ll make a mint.

And they said
I’d never amount
to anything.

HOY !!!!!

pizzarolls

Happy Halloween

Yes, friends —
— BEWARE —

— ’cause it’s time
for our annual
Halloween episode
of the
Muscleheaded Blog.

Oooooo–
scary, huh ? 

Ok,
so maybe
we’re not
doing scary
this year.

Maybe
this year
we’ll go ‘cute’
or ‘ unusual ‘ —

but that doesn’t
mean that we
don’t wish you a
Happy Halloween.

Far from it.

It’s a wonderful
traditional holiday,
fun for kids and
adults, so what’s
not to like ?

Personally,
candy doesn’t
hold all that much
charm for me these
days, but if you’re
into the whole trick
or treat thing, well,
more power to you.

May your sugar
wishes all come true.

If on the other
hand, you’re one
of those folks who
like to hold wild,
drunken parties
with delicious food
and highly decorated
rooms full of
half-naked, lewd,
totally out-of-hand
people and stuff ,

well……

… I really
only have
one thing to
say to you.

Why the hell
wasn’t I invited ????

Hey, I got a
brand new bottle
of Wild Turkey
and a Richard
Nixon mask
all ready
to partaaaaaaaaaay. 

Oh, I see.

Sure,
there’s always
next year, man.

In the meantime,
like I said, we’ve got
some cute and some
unusual vintage cards
for ya.

( You coulda used
something like this
as an invitation, ya
know….
just sayin. )

ENJOY !

Blind About Dating

medusaI was talking to a
gym buddy about
his personal life,
and somewhere
along the line
he brought up a
subject that I didn’t
even know they were
still doing……..

Blind dating.

Hmmmm….
very ‘old school’
if you ask me…..war

(aughhh,
I really hate
that expression)

It’s kinda a
strange deal,
doncha think?

Sure, you got all
kinds of digital dating
and sexting these
days, where you
basically know everydate
detail (up and including
nipple size, probably)
about another person
before you show up to
actually consummate
your first face to face
meet and greet.

And if it’s for dinner,
maybe I should use
the word ‘consomme’,
ya know…
soup to nuts.

But agreeing to
date somebody sight
unseen, without anya1
previous contact or
introduction, simply
because the person
in question is an
acquaintance of your
crazy second cousin ….

You just show
up at a placeblinddate
—cold—
without a clue of:
what they
think like,
look like,
smell like,
dress like,
talk like
or even
what they like ….

what you’ll think
of them,
or what they’ll
think of you….

— well,
the more grotesqueblinddate
potentials of that
scene really
creeps me out,
and I mean goose-
bumps-creepy.

I frankly don’t know
why anyone would
do it that way.

Courage
or crazy.

And so when
he said that he’d
recently gone
on one of theseblinddate
things…….

I realized that I didn’t
have a clue about the
ins and outs of the
whole blind dating
phenomena –

and really,
after having asked
a dozen or so
stupid questions,
I still don’t.

I might as well
have been writing
a blog post on the
more complicated
aspects of “Anti
DeSitter-Conformal
Field Theory “.

Exceptin’
that I’m not gonna.

But I did find some
funny cartoons and
stuff, so there’s that.

!!! HOY !!!

.

 

 

 

Mailbag Mainstays

a1Yes,
sure
it’s that
time again,
man.

‘Cause my
mailbag’s full —

— and it’d be
an awful shame
to waste all
these goodies.

My wonderful
friends and
regular readers
send meatsea
all sorts of
very cool stuff….

and some of it’s
just weird enough
(or in some way
matches up to
the mysteriously
arcane guidelines)
to get on one
of these here
mailbag posts.

The rest gets
used on variousbank
other posts
or stored in the
world famous
Muscleheaded
Magic Vault —

(located at a
secret location
known only to me,
(I have about 10
feet of space)

Suzie Wonder,
(who keeps about
10,000 square feet
for herself and
her – quote –
‘Medical Supplies’)

and a
few thousand
Morlocks who’ll
work for a couple
of packages of
peat moss)

— for just the
right time,firm
and/or place.

If I could
only remember
the combination to
the damn thing.

(and how to
get there)

All I gotta do, then,
is mop up the place
every once in a while….kid

which I haven’t
done anything
about in some time,
come to think of it….

….. so,
I’m kinda
afraid to
look in there
right now.

But no
worries–

— there’s
plenty of goodies
right here
on the local
designated
hard drive
without opening
that particular
can of worms
right at this
moment.

I’ll just bet
I’m gonnasandy
need
rubber gloves,
anyway.

Anybody seen
my bourbon ????

Makers Mark, if
Wild Turkey ain’t
available, thanks —

and, err–
two ice cubes.

Ahem.

.

!!!!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

openwide

Foto Flummoxed

My kids were
laughing at me
the other day,

–cause I had
my old photo
albums spread
out on the
floor.

No,
we’re not gonna
tab you off on a
link to that soupy
70’s song
“Feelings”–

I’ll leave that
to any
“Gong Show” clips
you may have still
lingering in the back
of your consciousness…

… assuming that
you’re even old
enough to
remember either of
those things.

(ok- just one,
here’s Gene The
Dancing Machine
just in case)

But I guess that
photo albums can
seem a funny thing…..

Especially when
viewed in the
perspective of
today’s technology.

I mean, when my
generation would
take pictures, we
would carefully set
up the shot , using
a 35 mm or snapshot
camera loaded with
light sensitive film
that had to be developed,
then order double copies
at the Fotomat, so we
wouldn’t lose em.

Then, putting them in a
photo album with a
small caption so we’d
be able to remember
who/what/where/when
when we got too old
to recall otherwise.

And that woulda
worked pretty well,
too.

If I could read my
damned writing –

– or if the picture
hasn’t faded because
of crappy processing.

Hey, don’t even
get me started
on Polaroids,
either, man.

It’s also funny how,
as important some of
those events pictured
must have been at the
time, how completely
blurry and faded they
seem now.

Just like those
old Polaroids,
dammit.

My kids were
particularly amused
about a pic of me
doing that ‘best man’
thing with a garter at
a wedding –
sliding it further and
further up the lady’s
(bride’s?) leg.

Actually, the real hilarity
came in when I was
asked whose wedding
it was.

I had no idea, and the
caption didn’t help –
– it said “Me, and
Ginger, 1978″.

I have to assume that
the cute redhead with the
‘Toni Tennille’ haircut
whose stocking I was
about to nibble on
was named Ginger ,
although I have no
recollection of her,
or the wedding that
was apparently going
on behind us.

I’ve been ‘best man’
at weddings a coupla
times, but this one,
I just flat out don’t
remember.

Who took the picture?
Nix… no idea.

It’s been in that book
for four decades,
as near as I can
figure…..

— and that’s as far as
I can get.

And I don’t happily
play the Confused Dad
for laughs – ever.

Damn.

To solve the mystery,
I was tempted to dig
through my old video
tapes, which would
also mean breaking
out the old 1/2 inch
video tape player
(which is probably
coughing up blood
by now, if it’s working
at all….. )

But, the truth is,
the attic is full of ’em,
and I was worse at
labeling those damn
tapes, then I was my
pictures, so…….

Oh well.

I hope Ginger and I
had a good time,
anyway.

!!! HOY  !!!

.

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