James Thurber says:

thurber

“The wit makes fun
of other people;

the satirist makes fun
of the world;

and the humorist
makes fun of himself,

but in so doing,
he identifies himself
with people –

that is, people everywhere,
not for the purpose
of taking them apart,

but simply revealing
their true nature.”

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Hair Raisin’

a11Man,
I’m losing my mind,
I think,
with all these
wild hairs
growing ape shit
all over .

Ok…
Wait…

Take a breath
and calm down.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Better ?
Now,
tell your story, man.begin

Well, you see
it’s like this……

As much as I hate
to admit it,
I’m getting older.

And as I’ve gotten older,
that beautiful mane
of chestnut brown hair
that I was always so proud
of has gone the color of
an almond tree blossom

— and worse yet,
it’s all starting
to thin out.

Now, you’d think
Mother Nature
in her infinite wisdom
would come to the rescue
with some fill-in hair.

And she did, sorta–

If you wanna call
it hair, that is —

It’s more like it fell
out of a wire brush .

You practically gotta trim it
with a weed cutter.

She’s been puttin’
this patchy, scraggley stuff
just about everywhere
I don’t need or want it.

What got me started
on this slightly distasteful
and probably ill-advised
topic, you may ask?

Well,a2
I was sitting in my bedroom
just minding my own business,
— with a mirror and
a big honkin pair of
needle nosed pliers–
for pulling out about
700 hideously unmanageable nose hairs…..

( ’cause nothing gets people
staring like a wild hair
that keeps creeping out
of your nose wheneverb
you move your face….. )

when this beautiful
and incredibly sexy lady
happens to saunter on by,
and remind me of the
special hi-tech motorized
nose hair trimmer
that she bought me
for Christmas.curly

Me, not one to argue
with a woman with such
outstanding nipples
like hers….
I tried it out.

No soup, man.

It didn’t do nothingscalped
but vibrate my uvula.

Which was kinda
giving me other ideas,
but that’s another post.

Anyhoo —
the hair was so stubborn
that the battery operated
blades would just move ’em around.

Sorta like a
Trichological
Tilt-O-Whirl.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So,
back to theunderhat
needle nose pilers,
I went.

The aforementioned lady
and the nipples adorning her
stormed off in sorta a huff —

But I coulda told her
that contraption was gonna
be no match for middlekreml
aged man nose hair.

And what’s with this hair
growing on my shoulder????????

Why the hell does
Mother Nature
think I need hairy
shoulders?

Did you ever try to reach fitch
your shoulder blades with a razor?

Maybe if you’re
a contortionist you can do it —
otherwise, you just walk around
looking like a guy
with hair growing on his shoulders.

Yuk, man.

Another place that
Nature finds irresistible
to plant unwanted new hairs now
is the outside of my ears.1946

And let me tell you —
Shaving your ears
is a blood-fest
waiting to happen.

Especially when you shave
like I do —

Press as hard as you can,
and hope you get it
all in one sweep.wh

Yeah,
like that’ll happen.

The good thing,
I guess,
is that
all my red towelslucky
stay bright red
no matter how much I wash ’em.

Not to mention the fact
that little drops of
splashed blood
adds a wonderfully lived-in look to any bathroom décor,
ya know.

And when Mama Nature
IS feeling generous enough
to replace the hair on my head,

— it’s so unruly and stringeya1a
it won’t stay down —

it sticks up like
I’m some kinda
demented Sqweezel.

I can’t seem to comb
the stuff down —

I feel like I’d have
to use Elmers Glue !

Hey,
I didn’t sign up
for all this weird aging shit.

!!!!!!!!!!! Gimme my old hair back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOY !!!

tiger


 

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The Stain On The Sofa

We’re feeling a bit
philosophical here at
the Muscleheaded Blog
today, which is kinda
strange when you think
about it, since we can
barely spell ‘philosophical’
usually …..

but hey-

— stranger things
have happened.

N-How.

For example,
you can choose
to look at this as
just another day,
or you can recognize
that Fridays are
really Mother
Nature’s way of
reminding you
that things could
always be worse.

N-Double-How, man.

I was just watching
a weird Irish
puppet/interview show
on my ginchey new
TV gizmo –

– the show was called:
Bronx Bunny ” —
and it put me in a very
weird mind-set.

Obviously, I am
NO LONGER
the crassest horn-dog
on the planet,
because I have been
thoroughly supplanted
by a semi-stuffed
panda bear
named Teddy T.

All I can tell you is,
if
you watch it, I’m not
responsible for any of the
content therein, nor the
therapy you’re likely to
need after said viewing.

And yes,
Teddy ….

Marina Sirtis was incredibly
hot on that space show.

‘N-How in triplicate.

Lost, yet?

Oh, sure ya are…

.. we all are, really,
when you get right
down to it.

You can let out a big
ole sigh anytime you
get tired of this
convoluted
stream o’ consciousness
thing that we’re
engaging in today,
and we’ll get on
with the well-vaunted
and well-loved
mail-bag segment
for this week.

Anytime,
now……

Ummm…

Oh, sorry.

Gotcha.

Thought that was just
Teddy-T doing his
heavy breathing
exercises again.

Mailbag here we come.

Today’s mailbag
I like to call
‘Popular Postcard
Wisdom’.

Seriously,
though….

Watch out for that stain
on the back of the sofa.

!! HOY !!

Just Ask The Mystic Muscleheaded

1aYes,

it’s time again for
somebody’s favorite
very occasionally-occurring
feature of this here
Muscleheaded blog….

Ask the Mystic Muscleheaded.

Otherwise known as :

The “Mystic Musclehead
Reads The Stars”,

or

“The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami Tells All”.

Yeah, sure,
I know that’s three titles.

They’re all so good, ya know…
I couldn’t choose.

Uh hummm….

Anyhoo….

The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami can prognosticate
the future –

He reads the stars …

he is in tune with the spheres ….

11…… and ONLY HE
knows the mystic secret
to how all things work.

Ahem .

Anyhoo…….

It’s really kinda amazing
when you think about it.

One man,
armed only with his trusty
crystal ball and somerash
old road maps.

I mean,
errr……
star charts ……

Seeing way, way,
way into the future –

…….. maybe into lunchtime, even.

( mmmmm… pastrami !)

Hey-
it could happen.

Before we get started with
this month’s exciting episode,
just this short word from
our sponsor.

bearNow, you may have read
that our Muscleheaded
Brand Breakfast Cereal
” Buzzy Bear’s Big
Hunks of Sugar ” –
has been ordered
recalled by the Food
and Drug Administration,

describing it as nothing more than:

” sugar cubes repackaged
with a cute mascot
( Buzzy the Bear ) on the cover
… and a free dangerous toy
in every box. ”

We would like to say
that this is patently untrue.

(aside from the
cute mascot thing)

“Big Hunks of Sugar” brand
breakfast cereal has also been
fortified with minerals —–

( quite accidentally, it turns out,
it happened at the packaging plant…

….. something to do with
shavings from the box machine…. )

……… and, further, it has NOT
been recalled by the FDA.

We withdrew it so they
wouldn’t sue us.

Thank you.

and now…………………

Your Muscleheaded Great
All Knowing Mystic Swami Horoscope

Choose your birth sign,111

and behold your fortune,

………. if you dare .

Aries:
You are a dynamic personality,
and could go far with a little help.
I suggest you borrow your
bosses car and drive it to Alaska.
This is a good time for romance, so …
Hook up with a Gemini ,
and double your pleasure.

.

Taurus:
Your signs are definitely looking up.
The gloom is lifting, and
you should see your way
clear to sending the All Seeing
Mystic Swami that twenty bucks
he lent you last Spring.
That ship you’ve been waiting
for must have gotten lost at sea,
so pay up, pal.
Otherwise, I see a dark
Mediterranean type named
Vito in your future.

.

Gemini:
Difficult times might be
ahead for you.
I see you making a drastic
change in lifestyle.
Your parents have found your stash,
and they are planning on having
the basement fumigated, deloused,
and cleared of it’s one and only tenant–
…….. which means you’ll have to
find a new place to crash.

.

Cancer:
A good time for seeing old
friends and making new
acquaintances.
Email somebody and set
up a disastrous play date.
It will change your perspective,
and your medical profile.
Oh, and The Bee Gees will hold
a reunion concert on your front lawn…….
You will be arrested for holding
an unlawful assembly, and scalping tickets.

.

Leo:
Family and vegetables are
very important to you.
Your Uncle Frank ( twice removed )
will move in with you and insist everyone
in the household go vegan.
Prunes, in particular, according
to Uncle Frank, are the key to good health…
And I predict that
Squeezing the Charmin
will take on a whole new
meaning for you.

.

Elmo:
A good month for study and
meditation awaits you..
afterwards, chaos.
You take sanctuary in a monastery
after your wife hires hit men for
$8000 to kill you for your Gerber Life
$5000 term life policy.
The monks will eventually turn
you out on the street, too.
I warned you to do something
about that snoring, brother.
( …….. and there still ain’t no
damned sign named “Elmo”. )

.

Virgo:
Far be it from me to imply how
totally inappropriate that sign is for you.
I can tell you that it might
be a slow month for business.
People who usually follow comment
you carefully, now will be
apathetic.
I think 15 dollars is a
lot every month
to charge people
just to tune in
your webcam,
if you’re not gonna
do requests.

.

Libra:
I see the word ‘zygote’ in your future.
I have no earthly idea why,
…but them little rubber things
don’t do anything sitting on
your bureau, ya know.
The scales of balance will work
for you in unexpected ways.
Actually, that weight you think you lost??
well, your bathroom scale is wrong –
… so, lay off the Ho-Hos.

.

Scorpio:
Avoid shellfish this month.
Especially lobster. Steak, too.
‘Cause taking you out has
gotten downright expensive.
It might also be a good idea
to hide your jewelry box.
Cause your brother is due for a visit.

.

Sagitwastsis:
No, I still can’t spell it.
You’re gonna have a groovy year,
…. and are generally loved by all.
You are a wonderful human
being, and generous to a fault.
And remember, I do accept donations.

.read

Capricorn:
I got your letter complaining about last month’s column.
And I think I can promise you this one won’t be as “boring” .
Actually , this will be a very exciting month for you.
….with you being thrown out
of the witness protection program,
and your ex-boyfriend getting
out of prison and all…..

.

Aquarius:
You couldn’t get laid waving
a thousand dollar bill in Vegas.
Just stay in bed.
Next month, a thousand bucks
might just be enough.
In the meantime, be careful getting
your computer too close to your
70’s era waterbed.

.

Pisces:
That rash on your ass ain’t
gonna get any better.
But the stars say that you
might have luck.
Go ahead and play the lottery,
but beware.
That Chinese Restaurant
down the block
is closed for remodeling.
You’ll have to pick your
lottery numbers
yourself this month.

.
.

And now, some horoscope art
from that French animation genius,
Arthur De Pins.

I like his work….
…… it’s fun and whimsical.

He’s done all 12 signs here, in his inimical style.
(not including “Elmo”).

!! HOY !!
.

arthurdepins

Obey The Impulse, Or Not

It’s hard to explain
just what this post
looked like in the
back of my mind
when I first conceived
it…..

it was something
that someone
said about the whole
experience of
‘living on the impulse’
that had
peeked,
panged and
pecked
at the
very tiny creative part
of my mind and
eventually came
to interest me as a
post topic.

As soon as I started
to write about
what I was thinking,
however —

— peculiar societal memories
of commercial products
(like chewing gum, snacks,
and soda pop) and vintage
behave-yourself propaganda
(like sexual health brochures)
kept popping up –

– naughtily intermingling –

though I’m not exactly sure
how they’re all connected,
really.

Hmmm.

I guess the subconscious
message I got early in life
was, if you’re spending
money, you should give
into the impulse to buy –

– but, if you’re just having
free fun, then you should
go do something else
more constructive, instead –
like making more money
to buy more stuff.

Still, that doesn’t seem
exactly right…..

‘Cause hardly anybody’s
grand-mother charged
grand-dad to have a
good time –
and we’re all here,
regardless.

And it’s not like anybody
with any sense could
think that eating a ‘Twinkie’
could or would constitute
the same qualitative
potential enjoyment value
as would a significant other –

– errr…. I mean,

‘letting it all hang out’
with a significant other.

(Based on just flavor alone,
you can see the error in that,
I’m sure, but I digress).

I do like those raspberry
flavored ‘Zingers’ a lot,
but let’s not get ridiculous,
now.

And GUM ?

In general, chewing gum
is pretty much a substitute
for doing nothing at all –

— it certainly is not a feast
for the senses and never
has been.

Two seconds of a weird
chemical-fruit-flavor
and then it’s just
rubbery sensory
purgatory.

Hell, the worst intimate
tryst that I ever experienced
contained more bursts
of excitement and pleasure
than that, for crying out
loud.

(10 more seconds worth,
at least….. )

Blow as hard you want,
it’s still just gum, man.

So maybe I misunderstood
what ‘they’ve’ been trying
to tell us —

–or maybe the message
has changed ??

Is there a message at all?

Is this all just
random nonsense?

Oh, damn.

And I thought it was
gonna get deep.

!!! HOY !!!

Getting Into The Grind

Cheap as I am,
it took a while,
but I finally sprung
for one of those online
movie gadgets to get
stuff on Hulu, Netflix,
and such..

It had seemed to me that
paying almost 200 bucks
a month for cable would
scratch everybody in the
house’s TV itches,
but apparently not.

500 channels-
a mere drop in
the bucket, pal.

Technology marches on.
And so do the costs.
Great.

And, now there’s another
HDMI input and cable needed,
and all sorts of new sign-in
codes to remember.

But it has given me a chance
to catch up on a genre of
movies that I had been
meaning to watch
but hadn’t had the
opportunity.

They’re called
‘grind-house’ movies —
and while you’ve probably
seen some of the posters
for these kinds of movies
right here on the
Müscleheaded Blog,
the flicks they advertised
weren’t usually available,
until now with these
new-fangled independent
movie channels.

I like the ones
that promise
stuff in their titles or
advertising that
you know damn well
ain’t really gonna be
in them —
— especially those from
the 1930’s.

(Sure, I guess you could
say the same about us
around here ….. )

I’m sure you’ve heard of
‘pre-code’ movies —

— and that’s not really
what I mean …….

— more like ‘outside-code’ —

movies that weren’t made by
the studios that were part of
the MPPDA Hays Production
Code or shown at the studio
sanctioned/owned theatres.

Of course, the people
who made these movies
still had to be careful
what was shown because
of obscenity laws and such-
so while the subject matter
might have been taboo,
the content usually
was pretty tame.

One example I got to see
was a pretty good example of
what I mean —

— it was 1948’s
“Test Tube Babies”.

The posters suggest some
very racy content,
and indeed,
there were a couple pretty naughty scenes that were fun —

but generally, it was pretty
much 95% sizzle and hardly
any steak.

(reminds me of one of
them there fajitas at Chileez
or Applebuzz )

You might well ask why
someone would expect
some ribald scenes in
a movie about this
particular subject –

— but that’s how the
genre worked —
they had to have
some kind of ‘moral’
or redeeming social
purpose to hang on it –

in this case,
‘educating’ people
about artificial insemination.

I was actually a bit taken
aback to learn something
from it- that they had been
doing those kinds of things
in clinics for decades.

And I guess the history of it
got a little strange on the way,
but why should that surprise
anybody?

The film’s title is also a
bit misleading, of course,
in more than just one way –
– most folks would have
imagined an in-vitro
fertilization process
(in a petri dish or the like)
would be what was being
talked about, especially from
the whole mention of a ‘test-tube’,
but in actuality, when they did
finally get around to the baby
making, it was the old “squirt-
(from a syringe)-and-then-hope”
method.

A special mention to the
guy playing the doctor —
who had the bed
side manner
of soggy bacon,
— you can always see
more of his hammy acting
style in movies like
Ed Wood’s “Glen Or Glenda”,
and ” Jail Bait “.

As for rating it,
I’d give it a 2 1/2 stars
for the general grab assing
and the swing-party scene
circa 1948 – and about none
for anything else, really.

Which is exactly
what you’d
expect with one
of these flicks.

My advice is:

if you have some time
you’ll never want or
need to get back,
waste an hour
or so, see it,
and pick through
the wasteland.

Then, if you’re not
totally exasperated,
check out these
other ‘grindhouse’ films
whose posters are featured
on this episode of the
Muscleheaded Blog.

Hey-

fun is where
you find it,
ya know.

.

!!! HOY !!!

Shut Thy Pie Hole

Folks can really get
on your nerves
sometimes……..

Ever spent any time
with a person who for
whatever reason will
not stop talking —
no matter what you do
to discourage them?

You can walk away
from em — they’re
still talking.

You come back,
they’re still talking .

Or they just follow you.

You interrupt them,
you change the subject,
you start scratching your ass –

– it doesn’t matter —

they just drone on and on
about whatever they were
originally blathering about.

I wear earphones in the gym,
and I’m constantly pulling
them out of my ear to hear
the latest gossip about
next week’s weather or
how many dates it’s going
to take to get into a certain
gym bunny’s yoga pants.

Man, I don’t care —
– leave me alone and
lemme get my work out.

But noooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooo .

So, I took to putting duct
tape over my earphones –
– ya know, to make it obvious
I was listening to something
more interesting than
people talking –
– but it’s just a waste of tape
most of the time.

People talk right over
the tape….
and of course,
since I can’t hear em, and
they might actually be trying
to tell me something
constructive like:
“your ass is on fire” ,
I need to find out what
they’re talking about-
so off the tape comes, and
it’s never anything that
compensates for that 2 cents
worth of tape I just wasted.

Blech
and Phooey.

I’m going to start
carrying around
a coupla these postcards…
and handing em out
when appropriate.

Too subtle?

Yeah, probably.

!!! HOY !!!