Safe As A Registered Letter

beatall“Safe as a registered letter “.


I’m not sure, with the
miserable state of the
Postal Service these days,
that slogan would work
all that well today,
but that indeed was used for
one of the many brands of
“French Letters”, 3flappers
— otherwise known as condoms,
available in the 1930’s.

It gets pretty interesting when
you consider the history of the
noble rubber –

— it wasn’t that long ago
that one of the first things
a ‘ gentleman about town ‘
would do after an illicit liason
was to ‘do his laundry‘.

shirts were not involved. dry

Basically, it meant a man
needed to wash out his
condoms after every use.

Then he would hang them to dry, so they would be ready for re-use.

Yep —

aabefore Latex became
a common material
with which to make condoms,
they were often made out of common rubber —

and reused.

Hence the slang name
most often used in the United States for them.

Before that,
… well …
all kinds of stuff were used.3knights

condoms actually have
a very old tradition —

going back past even
the ancient Chinese,
and Egyptian cultures.

It’s thought by some scholars
that there’s a cave paintingakron
of an animal bladder condom
being used on the wall of the
Grotte des Combarelles —
—- from 15,000 years ago.

The early Chinese versions
were made of coated silk,
and covered only the head
(glans) —

— they were expensive, blondtex
of course,
and had to be custom made.

No ‘one size fits all’ here.

And these types of condoms,

along with linen ones
and ones made of horn,
were being used in
1500’s Europe, too —

they were actually tied
on with a piece of ribbon.carmen

Animal bladders,
which allowed for the
entire organ to be covered
and were easier to keep on,
became more widely distributed
by Dutch traders to the world,

and they were very popular,
especially in
France, England, and Japan.

But all these optionsmore
were very expensive —

and so,
their use was limited only
to those who could afford them.

It wasn’t until
Galvanized Rubber
was invented in the late 1830’s,
did condoms become available
to the every day working man —

They weren’t all that comfortable,
or reliable, for that matter —

but, they were appreciatedhercules
by most folks as a hedge
against pregnancy and
Venereal Disease.

As the popularity of the
‘rubbers’ caught on,

there also grew a
‘stiff’ resistance to them —

In the 1880’s,
the United States restricted
them from being sold in the mail.vd

Some U.S. states
banned them outright —

as did the Republic of Ireland.

So did Italy under Mussolini,
and Nazi Germany.

( It didn’t stop folks from
getting them, of course. )duke

Many churches were outraged
that such a product even existed,

and there are still sects
that do not permit their
adherents to use them.

The social antipathy
that condoms generated
also caused a new coded
slang to be developed —

A condom could be how
cryptically referred to as

Jimmy Hat
Love Gloveamo1
Cock Sock
Naughty Bag
Venus Shirta1
Safety Vest
Tool Bag
Willy Wrap
Dirty Laundry
Pecker Poncho
Shower Cap
Baby Baggie

.. etc.drx
…. etc.
……. et cetera.

Latex was invented
in the 1920’s–

and almost overnight,tijuana

made the condom cheaper,
more comfortable,
and, of course, disposable.

Most male condoms today
fall into three categories :
and ‘Skin’
(treated animal bladders, etc).

Of course,
you can always get a
“French Tickler”,

if you think you need
a little extra zing….

And a more
‘custom fit’

called “TheyFit”,

is available currently in
Western Europe
in a variety of sizes…

but the ‘One Size Fits All’
theme still dominates
the market.

There was actually a
‘Spray On’ condom
invented a couple
of years ago,depends

— but since the product
required minutes to
set up and cure,

it proved to be —

let’s say ‘impractical’.

shrinkage is a problem
in every industry,
I guess.







Garde Your Manger

fareObscure title, huh?

Not if you work
in the restaurant biz,
it ain’t.

I was having
(or trying to have)
dinner at my local
greasy spoon —

— and it was taking
long enough for Caesar
to have grown his salad
from seed –

– so I inquired about it-
(very nicely, I might add-
— always be kind if you a2
expect to be able to eat
what you order, and
without any ‘special sauce‘).

The manager went back to
find out what was up-
and I heard the cook
yell at her that the wait
couldn’t be helped,
cause he was agnmae
quote: “In The Weeds“.

(We were obviously seated in
the preferred seating section,
(AKA: “Bob Uecker’s table”
— right next to the kitchen ).

She shouted back at him
that she needed that
‘Blue Plate‘ ‘on the fly‘ ,
and to ‘86 the B.S.’ ! ”

Uh huh.
So, what about
MY meal,
I wondered….
— cause I didn’t order
anything blue, or with
flying insects on it.

Further, I didn’t know
diners had combination
plates like the Dragon Palace,
cause I always order
the number 23 there.

Of course, I’m saying this
with some tongue planted
firmly into cheek —

(and that’s a pretty good
arrangement in the right await
kinda company…. )

— since my daughter works
in a restaurant – but, it is
genuinely funny how
different the language
can get in the heat of
the professional kitchen.

Assuming your local
diner qualifies –
which in my case,
I’m not all that sure of.


And, yes, bute
thanks for asking,
I did finally get my
Chicken Caesar salad–

— although just what the
hell I was thinking in
ordering anything fancier
than a scrambled egg
on toast (otherwise known
as ‘wrecked chicks on a raft‘)
or a baked potato
with sour cream
(‘a blonde hot Murphy‘ )
in that dump is beyond me.

Anyhoo– let’s talk about
a couple of the morea1
interesting idioms..

Eggs seem to have several
special terminologies
dedicated to them
depending on the region
and who/what’s cooking:

‘Cackle berries’

‘Hen Fruit’

And you can get them
in a large variety of styles –

‘Wreck Em’
(scrambled )atip

( really scrambled)

‘Shell Angels’
(hard boiled)

‘A Hub Cap’
(sunny side up)

(breaded, stuffed,
and then deep fried)

‘Puddle in a Golf Ball’
(soft boiled)

‘Dead Eye’
(1 poached )

‘Adam and Eve’
(2 poached)

‘Flop Two’
(fried over easy)

( add hamburger) —

‘ Doing The Eggman ‘
( umm– you’ll have to look
that one up for yourself
——  hint: Eric Burdon.
Sorry, I’m got side-tracked)


Hot dogs, too,
as you might expect,
have more than
their fair share —

‘Coney Island Chicken’
‘Bun Pup’
‘Tube Steak’
‘Ripper’ (a deep fried hot dog)

And once you start
adding condiments,
well, better bring a
local cook or
at least a lexicon —

Breathe On It ” –
add onion.

Pitch In The Hay ” –
add sauerkraut.

With Frog Sticks “-
add French Fries.

Give It A Hemorrhage ” –
add ketchup.

Paint It Yellow ” –
add mustard.

On The Hoof ” –
cooked rare.

Pittsburgh Style” –

Waxed ” –
add American cheese.
Pull Me A Shot
From Hotlanta
” –
add a Coke.

Save The Slush ” –
Ugh, no ice in that Coke.

And, as you can quite
plainly tell, there’s way
too many of these1905
things to list em all….
which, of course,
means you’ll be seeing
a sequel about the
subject soon enough
right here on this
channel, so stay tuned.

In the meantime,
keep yourself
Sunny Side Up ” !


!!!! HOY !!!!!




Geee Whizz

Please don’t wet yourself,
but there’s probably a coupla objectionable words in today’s extravaganza , so if you’re the sensitive kind, better consult your guru first before reading. 

It’s one of those sayings that we’ve probably heard all our life…

And really,
never knew
where it originally came from.

Or even,
what it really means.

It’s the uniquely
American expression
” Gee Whiz ” —

and it’s actually been
around a lot longer
than you might think.

The first applicationmar57
of it I could find
dates way on
back to the 1880’s,
in the Warren (PA) Ledger:

” When younger days
have flown

And we are older grown,
We sit and muse – –
We’ve got the blues.

Morning and night
we fret,

And, cold or dry or wet.
In petulance pout – –1957
We’ve got the gout.

We have accomplished

Our fight was poorly
fought – –

Gee whiz ,
The rheumatiz. “

As you can see,
it’s a little ditty about aging.

who’d a thunk that, huh?

It’s so fun to be getting older–
who could possibly
wanna complain about THAT?

Which reminds me….

Both ‘Gee Whiz’ and ‘Jeez’
( which dates back further )
are what linguists would
call ‘minced oaths’
and euphemistic abbreviations
of the name of Jesus Christ.

(‘Gee Whiz’ –
‘Jesus’s Wisdom’)

Minced Oats —g1

no, wait,

you might be saying…
I had that for breakfast…..

Nope —
this got nothing
at all to do with
Quakers in funny hats
selling mushy cereal, man.

Minced Oaths –
are little turns
of language
you might use as tricky
little substitutionsg3
for saying stuff
that would be
otherwise considered
or just plain
obnoxious otherwise.

For instance,
your stupid
brother in law
might have
un-jacked a
four-ton truck down
on your toe,g2
and you want
to express
your mild displeasure
about it —

And instead of saying:

You might say:
” Pardon me,
you gosh-darn
darn cork-screwinggallon
you seem to have
dropped something.”

To which he may reply:  
” Fup off, ya grasshole,


“This lift jack is
such a clustermug,
you mothersmucker “


Much better, huh?

so maybe it ain’t.

I never really saw the
point of dancing around,
when it comes time
for a real cussing-out party.

When they edited one
of my favorite movies
” Repo Man ” for TV,
they actually used the
most badly constructed
minced oath I’ve ever
heard to dub over a line:

“Flip you, melon farmer!”engineer

not quite the same thing
as the original, I would say.

Or in
“The Big Lebowski”s
TV release—

“This is what happens
when you find
a stranger in the Alps”

—— was used in place of :

“This is what happens
when you fuckgws
a stranger in the ass”

Dumbarts Fargin’
Media Bastiches.


there’s really no
good substitute
for a well placed

But polite society
doesn’t cotton to it,
not at all.

And thus,
we’ve got these
little pieces of shorthand
to help out.


I don’t know too many
people who use the
expression ” Gadzooks ” —
but that there is actually a
classic piece of blasphemous
minced-oathing from
way, way back.

(the 1600’s)

It’s short for
“God’s Hooks” —
and refers to the nails
in the Christian cross.

you might surprised
how many of these
have snuck into the
language over
the century.

For instance,
I got knocked up-side
the head by a Jesuit priest
for using this one
in parochial school —


I have no idea how
I was using THAT
in a sentence —

and knowing me
at that age,
I was just trying to
get a reaction, anyway,

………. but boy,
did I get one.

And a lecture on
how that’s just
another way
of using the
Lord’s name in vain.

There’s also:

Golly By Jove
John J Kripes
etc, etc, etc.

And if you open
the concept
of a cussing jar
(you put a quarter
in everytime you cuss )
all up to the huge
variety of different
minced oaths
you could use,cussjar


You could make
a friggin’ mint.

And yes,
I do have my favorites….


Fargin’ Icehole ”
” Why don’t you ram it up
your pim-hole, you
fusking cloff prunker.”

— AM I RICH YET ?????

!!! HOY !!!!


PS: Yes, this is a real Vargas work,
one of his last, featuring actress
Bernadette Peters, and used
on her album cover of the same name.

“Gee Whiz” was one of the
songs featured on the LP.

And not a bad album, actually.

Cheers !!!!

What Goes Around

nertsMost of us,
who were born
before the year 1990,
think of the phrase:
“Turn of the Century”,
as pertaining to the
early part of the 20th Century–

But, there will come a day,
(pretty soon, I would think),slumming
when people think of US,
that’s you and me,
as being part of a
turn of our own — the 21st !

Scary thought, really,
considering how antiquated
1our 1900’s predecessors
seem to us.

How the two would stack
up next to each other,
I wonder…..

I think slang might be a
window into what
it might look like.

So, today–
maiziewe’ll compare a hundred year’s
differences in:
Jive Talk.

Ya know
…………. Slang.

We’ll look at some interesting
gibberish from 1920, and 2017 .

(You already knew
I was lousy at math, anyway. )

For instance :

If a 1920’s flapper said to you,

“I got Zozzled last night,
it was the Bee’s Knees”

yessirI was Splifficated,
and I Rode the Trolley

If you wanted,
you could just
says you were :
‘On Edge’
‘Half Under’.

Today’s knowledgeable slanger might reply:
“I’m so Stoked,
I got ‘Def-con 1’ last night”

“I was Super Soaker,
and Puked my guts out.”

I dunno which set of slang
I like less, in this case.

Let’s try another one.

a3Something that might be:
‘Hotsy-totsy’ to a flapper

would be

Boner‘  to a 2017 person
( of somewhat less eloquence) .


a2As I was saying:

There were many expressions
in the 1920’s
meant that something was ‘Groovy‘.

( Ok–
so, I’m still stuck in the 1970’s —
— sue me. )

a1So, a flapper had a wide variety
of colorful expressions
to use to express the
joy and enthusiasm in life…..

(usually involving animals,
for some reason….. )


3Just Ducky ! ”
and :
The Cat’s Meow

There’s also the:
Pig’s wings,
Turtle’s neck,
Caterpillar’s kimono,beaugus
Elephant’s adenoids,
Duck’s nuts …. “

In 2017,
you’re simply ‘Excitapated’,

—- or in real high times,
‘Really, Really, Super Excitapated’.

flappergastedLoses something in
the translation, I think.

at least now,
you have a few new/old expressions
to sneak into your vocabulary.

not to be a gimlet,
or a square,
— you should remember to
be careful how and when you use them.

Cause you never know
how these expressions
might get misinterpreted, ya know.

you might just meet the ‘angry dragon of death’.

you’re gonna have to look that one up yourself.