Disclaiming This Disclaimer

bottomlessMost folks already know
that I’m almost completely
out of mind, so this won’t
surprise you, probably…

One of my favorite
things to do when
I’m utterly bored
is to make fun
of stuff….

I dunno…

— but as I said,
if you’ve been around
the Müscleheaded Blog
for even a little while,
you have
already figured
that out by
yourself, too.

Maybe because it seems
that so much of today’s
culture is vacuous —
with no real substance
or depth of meaning.

It’s as shallow aswalk
yesterday’s mud puddle.

Often as clear as that, too.

It’s just so easy to
laugh at such things.

For instance,
they’ve got warning
signs everywhere —

Don’t do this,
don’t eat that,
don’t jump off here.

And it really should
be obvious to the
sign people,
that the only people
who (based on
common sense)
ALREADY don’t know
not to do this or that

people like me,
who don’t like rules
and will ignore the sign,

and stupid people,
who can’t read the
damned signs anyway.

What category did I
say I fit in again?

Oh well, it doesn’t
really matter.

The point is:

The signs don’t help, man.

And the same goes
for small print
and disclaimers –graph

Nobody reads ’em,
and even less than nobody understands em.

Ever heard a used car commercial on the radio?

The guy’s talking loud,
clear and slow
about the bullshit price
they’re claiming to be asking —

— a $40,000 car for —
Twelve Dollars a Month! shirt
Not a lease!

(ok, somebody can’t
do math, right?)

Then, suddenly comes
the ‘small print’ —
and it’s soft, garbled,
and so blazing fast
that you gotta wonder
what kinda exotic drug
that guy’s been taking.

(and why I can’t get some) a3

It’s just how the whole ‘disclaimer’
thing works.

You’re not supposed
to get it.

That is,
until now.

Because as a huge public service,
the Müscleheaded Blog is
going to explain thema4
in a way that will do
nothing but convolute
the issue even further.

Hell, why not,
I ask you?

Cause we use them all the time around here.

Here’s a piece of 1
prima facie
evidence to show you
just makes us
such experts
on the subject.

This is from a post
called “Knowing She’s Interested” —

” Disclaimer:
Ladies, please don’t take any of this personal.
You already know I’m completely full of shit, and that I’m out of my ever lovin’ mind. None of this is true about any of you, or about your sex in general. It contains not even a germ of truth, or resemblance of any germ of truth. It is simply the product of a sick imagination, dreamed up by some ignorant musclehead, —with way too much testosterone and not enough brains to fill up a Ny-Quil dose cup.
If you’re a ‘sensitive soul’, this is probably the wrong guy’s stuff to be reading. I would suggest Lord Byron, or Coleridge. One of those romantic English types. Do NOT go hiding in your closet for two weeks or sending viral emails to all your weepy girlpals and wispy guypals about what a mean, cold hearted misogynst you think I am. I’m kidding. I don’t mean it. It’s supposed to be funny. J O K I N G.
It cannot be construed in any way to be a valid justification for suicidal thoughts, hating all men, dreading relationships, not taking your meds, or otherwise avoiding healthy human contact.
And as a public service to all the humorless neo-feminazis, bad attitude man-haters, and male-feminist-wanna-bees out there, consider your feck-you emails already sent and received. Thanks. “

Now, that disclaimer
was written in the
vain hopes that a2
I wouldn’t upset
anybody with the
whole ‘zany spoof
and witty sarcasm
thing’ that we try
to do around here
on a regular basis.

I still got two feck-you emails from it.

Whether they were
humorless neo-feminazis,
bad attitude man-haters,
or just
well, walll
that I could not tell.

But it does go to
show you just
how meaningless
and worthless
these damned
disclaimers are.

And that’s exactly
WHY I use so
many of them.


Remember our motto:

” Nothing exceeds
like superfluous jejunity.” 

Oh yeah —

using big words
that nobody understands
don’t hurt, either.




Finding Your Way In The Wilderness

tedwithersI know,
and you know,

….. that we men
are basically fools for their stockings.

We’re wired that way, man.

It don’t change just because you’re out of your element–

Whether you’re travelling
by choice,
for work,
…… or just looking for trouble.

I’ll be walking around a strange town,

— trying to find a place where all the locals hang out,

so as I don’t look so —signoutsidebar

well, umm…

so ‘desperately from somewhere else’ …..

And I’ll see a sign like this.

—– Big letters scream :

Naked ( always a good start )

Waitresses ( oh… service )

Flirt ( hey, I love to flirt )

With You ( whoo…. me ?????)

at this point,

I don’t care how warm the beer is,

how crappy the food is,

how greasy the spoons are.

I’m walking into the place.

But, after coming face to face
with a snippy hostess that ignores me
in favor of texting on her cell phone.

That’s when I realize I really didn’t read,

or at least comprendrez the small print.espresso

(It actually said:

“The naked truth about our waitresses
is they only flirt with you to get a better tip”


Am I disappointed.

‘Cause I usually DO care
how warm the beer,
how crappy the food,
how greasy the spoon.

I do.

I’ve been horn-swaggled,
and double-D-crossed —

—– by the whole
“sex sells advertising” chicanery— again.

Damn, will I ever learn.

Will I ever stop using my balls as some kind of pleasure-seeking-GPS?

Am I ever gonna stop thinking that
a pretty smiling face and a nice set of legs
on a stranger in a bar
means anything at all except :worstmeatball
Pull up a chair and take out your money –
— the show’s about to start?

Awww, hell —
— don’t answer that.

I don’t need any more balloons bursted, thanks.

Hope springs eternal,
and all that.

I don’t expect bar sign advertising to tell me the truth, though…

realHonestly, I don’t.

If they did,

…..nobody would ever go out, eat, drink, and be merry.

And it’s a total bummer trying to do that by yourself.

Going out is supposed to take you out of your every-day reality anyway,

…. so it might as well start before you even get in the place.

As long as they don’t set such totally unrealistic expectations with their sign,

….. that I can’t get over my disgruntlement over it, even after the first couple rounds.

That’s when it helps to have somebody else pay the tab–enjoy

But, I refuse to shave my legs-
–even for free booze–
so, that’s out.

That means
I’ve got to be more careful picking places.

And therein, my friend, lies the rub —

The places in any given town that really ARE good, fun, and groovy are few and far between —
( assuming you ain’t in Philly or San Francisco …. )

— and the rip-joints are everywhere .

When you’re in a strange town, and you don’t know anybody,

— you’re kinda like that rube who calls 1-900 numbers to meet ‘real women’.

The hook is already baited and they’re just waiting for you.

Here, fishy, fishy.

xxAny advertising has to be taken with a grain of salt,

….. and the hospitality industry geared toward travelers/tourists has always been one of the worst offenders.

Hey, I grew up in Florida, remember?

But, even the most misleading signs will tell you something about a place, though.

A ‘happy face’ on a sign usually means a dull place with unremarkable food.

A sign that shows a sense of humor shows promise,

’cause I’ve always consider ‘snarky’ a virtue —

———- it’s rudeness that pisses me off.

barAnd a place that knows the difference is probably gonna be a good bet.

If an eatery puts out a sign that makes fun of their own food,

— chances are good they’re actually pretty proud of it.

But you’ll definitely want to avoid any place puts out a sign that says:
“World’s Best ________ ”

Yeah, I doubt it, man.

I’d settle for:

A decent medium rare steak
served with a side of onions and a pretty smile

And if I find the right place with right crowd,
…………….. they can hold the damn onions.





If you like ZZ Top, and You’re a Fool For Her Stockings, check out this video.