You Too Part Two

If you were anywhere near
the Muscleheaded Blog yesterday,
you saw that we used the
old motion picture device
of the ‘hanging end serial’ –

They used it to build suspense,
and insure return attendance
to their theatres..

We used it cause
we’re too lazy to write
that much at one time.

So, there you have it.

And now,
back to our exciting story —
How To Meet And Impress Girls (Part Deux).

Chapter TWO:
“OK, now what?”

Meeting women is easy and fun;
…….but knowing how and
where to meet them
is very important.

aYou can meet them anywhere,
in a house,
or at the fair —

You can meet
them in a store,
at the pool,
or at the shore —

Meet them,
Meet them
you will do —-

Sam You AM will meet them too ….

(No- wait a minute..
…. that’s the wrong book….)

Anyway, as I was saying;

You can meet women
just about anywhere….

Think of all the women you can
meet hanging around the pharmacy
while commenting on their prescriptions–

You can stop them in their tracks with lines like:

“Yeah, I hear that stuff will really beat the yeast!”

and

“Hey, Look, Jelly Beans!”

.

Really,
meeting girls is all about
being comfortable in your own skin.

So, that might not work for you, either.ascissors

Hmmm….

Have you tried jingling all that change you carry around in your pocket?

No….

Uhhh…
In your case, I might recommend the ‘shotgun approach’.

Basically,
smile at every girl who even gets near you —
— and if one smiles back,
just start talking.

.

Chapter Three: “What Next ?”

What to do next?

melsWell, you must have a PLAN.

For instance, you can offer to take her for a ride in your fancy sports car.

Chicks dig hot wheels, man.

Yes, your car can speak volumes
about who and what you really are,
……… and what you want outta life.

.

OR

twiggyShow her yer vintage set of “Slowly-Starving-to-Death-Supermodel” trading cards.

Women love for men to make comparisons between their bodies and the bodies of the women who make a living wearing clothes
that are way too small for 98.4 percent of the population.

Showing such careful consideration
for their feelings like that will
show your compassionate, sensitive side.

But I bet you already knew that.

.

OR

tattTell her you’re the
“Leader of the Pack”.

Yeah…..

You’ve gotta have your stuff together , though.

But it ain’t hard.

I see guys do this kinda
thing every day.

Just put your best biker-wanna-bee gear on,

shave your head,

roll up your sleeves to
show off those 14 inch biceps,
and those bad to the bone tats….

………… and then get your motor runnin’.

All kinds of women will be throwing
themselves adoringly in front
of your chopped chort.
( or moped , whatever )

.

OR:

henryDemonstrate yer lovemaking skills on a turkey leg…..

This really gives you a chance to show people how versatile and aggressive you are.

Be sure to stare straight at any on-looking hotties while you’re munching.

But, a warning–

Public slurping on a turkey leg
at events such as Renaissance Fairs
is one of those things that only
advanced students of the
Muscleheaded Course should
ever attempt, however.

The resulting bountiful bevy
of boosted bazongas might
be too much for you, otherwise.

.

OR

cowboyTell her you’re a COWBOY…….

Yes, if there’s something that every hottie loves, it’s a cowboy.

Dust off your chaps, buy yourself one of them
17 gallon hats, and
you’re stylin.

You might have to
learn to walk differently…

…..with that wide, saddle worn stance
that says your package is almost
too heavy to carry around with ya without help.

or that your hemorrhoids are flaring up again.

.

OR

aaTell her you’re HULK HOGAN………..

I’m sure it worked for this guy.

You might even show her all the action figures you’ve been storing in that huge warehouse out in Huntington Beach.

I bet there’s plenty of chicks out there fantasizing about a quick fling with the Hulkster, right?

Oh, and don’t pay attention to that guy behind the curtain.

And no, that’s not a video camera.

.

Well, congratulations, candidate,
you have successfully completed
the Muscleheaded Course
for Meeting and Impressing Girls.

And,
as desperate
( errr… I mean, ANXIOUS)

…. as you might be to proceed
to actually dating somebody,
and become a fully qualified fox hunter —

( gggggrowwwwwll ) ……………

outthere

I’m afraid you’re going to have
to wait with bated breath
until the next course….

And heaven knows when that will be .

a1a

Until then,

I’ll bid you and yours
(hands, feet, all that stuff)
a fond aaaacccchhhhoooooo.

Damn dusty in here.

.

girlscouts

.

 

You Too Can Meet And Impress Girls

lonelyHi Ya.

Are you a lonely muscle-head whose only chance at sexual
variety is to switch hands?

Are you so lonely that
when you went to give
your last lover a hickey
you ended up with a
mouthful of fur ?

Are you so socially abhorrent
that they let you park in
handicapped spaces ?

Well, yer ole Uncle Nuts
has the prescription for you!

uhYes, you too can be
the love-stud of yer local community!

No more getting
new sex partners
by painting little faces
on the tops of your fist..

No more creative cantaloupe carving…..

No more suppressing moans
while discretely humping the
water jet at the public pool…..

No more waiting in long lines
for change at the ‘mini-movies’ place…..

No more sticking Lil Elvis
into splinter hazards just
for the use of person
or persons unknown –pocket

Yes, now in one
convenient post,
it’s time for the :

Muscleheaded Guide
for Meeting and
Impressing Girls.

Read on,
my love-depraved..
…. I mean,
love-deprived
friend,
read on.

OK!

Chapter ONE: recognizing you may have a problem.

.

First,
Answer these questions.

1: Is THIS your idea
of a computer date?

aiko

Yes, she’s a computerized robot —

… she cost $60,000
for this geek to build her,
and her name is Aiko.

He dresses her everyday,
and spends every
waking minute with her.

Lucky girl, huh?

Of course, one can’t
even get a Mercedes SLS for that price,

….. so building himself a girl friend
was more cost effective
than bribing one, I guess.

As for sex…
well, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

.

2: Is THIS what you would consider to be a HOT date?

While at first glance,

Billy the Party Goat may seem a convenient option to some lonely dudes,

… those with latex allergies or issues with the whole ‘pretend-it’s-not-bestiality-with-a-blowup-male-goat’ thing may preclude a real meeting of the minds here.

As for sex…..
well, ewe.

Get it? Ewe.

Hey-
you’re gonna need to develop
a sense of humor if you ever
wanna get a REAL date, ya know.

.

3: Do you think you will EVER have a ‘special’ use for one of THESE?

shop-vac-r

Oh sure, I know….

The name holds promise,

And women love men
to keep their places
clean and tidy.

However, a high horsepower vacuum with custom made attachments might send an impression that your tastes and expectations might exceed the average girl’s capacities.

( There was this girl in Austin,
but that’s another …
well, never mind )

.

4: Do you have a set of bedsheets you like to use on ‘certain’ nights ?

a

Honestly,
I don’t know which thing will turn off a potential love conquest faster…

— the sheets —

— or the tissues in the corner.

And let’s face it….

What you’d like to create
is the impression that you are a go-getter
………. not a bed-wetter.

Just sayin.

.

5: Have you ever tried to pick up a girl by telling her she’s hotter than LOIS LANE?

Finding a subject with which a man and a woman can both identify with is often a good way to start a conversation, sure.

But, brother,

…. you ain’t exactly Superman,

and it’d be better for all concerned if you didn’t remind her of that fact, s’all.

So, wearing that costume under your clothes (“just in case”) is not only unnecessary,

— but may be the very reason
you’ve been getting so much chaffing lately.

.

6: Have you ever tried picking up girls in the supermarket by pointing out the more exotic produce ?parsnip

Do you hang around the supermarket droning on and on about the mating habits of the Cornish Game Hen to any girl who happens to be passing by ?

Do you go over to the bakery section and suggestively measure the size of the holes in doughnuts ??

Do you take up a position near the seafood aisle,

…. and point out how oysters
are said to have an aphrodisiacal
quality, and that you’re looking
for test subjects ??

sexy

Sure,
it’s tempting,
I know.

And it sounds like it
should work,
to you,
doesn’t it ???

NO.

Don’t DO THAT.

( Anymore. )

.

Well, if you answered:
YES, MAYBE, or
ALL OF THE ABOVE
to any of these questions,
you’re in REAL trouble, my friend….

You’re gonna need to advance on to Chapter Two.

Which, of course, is tomorrow’s post.
You’re just gonna have to
hold your water (ahem) until then.

!!!! HOY !!!!!

.

.