Here Comes Secret Santa

sickAlrighty then.

Anybody who was around the Muscleheaded Blog last year knows that we go kinda ape-shit with Christmas themed posts each year.

And, guess what.


Of course, it’s not just on the MH blog–

it’s EVERYWHERE you look.

So, as Pedro says,yelling

…..  if it’s inevitable,
you might as well sit back and enjoy it.

Or lie back.

Believe me, I find myself saying that a lot more than I would like.


Oh, and get yer money out,
cause it’s gonna be a long ‘shopping’ season.

I do feel yer pain, trust me.

And that’s not just because I administered it, either.

santaIf you’re like most working people,

… you get this annual pain in the rear quarters that comes along around the holidays…..

It’s called the ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange….

where you supposedly spend about 10-20 bucks for a present to one of your co-workers,

…. whom you normally wouldn’t bother to even spill coffee on.

I dunno what the big secret is supposed to be,
but I can tell you this—-

I hate those things.

1It never fails….

I’ll spend the whole twenty bucks on somethin nice,

— and then, when it’s time to open MY present, it’s some worthless piece o crap they couldn’t possibly have spent more than 43 cents for.


Thanks so much for the thought and effort, anonymous gift giver.

I figure the back of a business card with FUCK YOU written in purple crayon would have done just as nicely.

And, ok…2

If this just had happened once or twice….

…….. well then, I’m a good sport and all.

( No, I’m not…. )

Ummmm…. , I mean,

……. I can take a joke as well as the next guy.

( No, I can’t ….. )

Ok.. well, dammit, that’s not the point.

It happened every year, and I’m getting to feel like that guy in “Network” —


mad as hell

I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna get you cheap co-worker bastards nice presents any more.


I decided a couple years ago, that from then on, I was gonna find the most worthless, wretched, bizarre gifts I could come up with, and use them for that pain of a Secret Santa Exchange,

…………. until they called the whole damned thing off.

I been doing it religiously every year since then, but they haven’t called it off yet.


3Don’t get me wrong…

I’m not cheap about it.

I might even spend more than twenty, if the gift is really out there.

Cause it’s worth it.

Just order it, wrap it —

……… then sit back and surf the undulating waves of wonder and disappointment on the faces of your fellow workaday slaves.

If you wanna give it a try, well, feel free, my friend.

The world is yer oyster.

Be sure to practice your “Who would do such a thing” act ahead of time, though……
( just in case they suspect it wuz YOU. )

Lynch mobs can get ugly.

Alright— let’s talk about some of your options.
Baby Toupees.

Yes, what new parent wouldn’t be thrilled to get one of these for their kid….

Comes in four fabulous fashion styles- Lil Kim, Bob Marley, Samuel L,

…….. and their most popular model — that guy.

No matter how ugly the baby,
………. these are guaranteed
to spruce up that little rugrat.

Yeah, right.


………… lemme get a picture.

5Here’s another fine product you might want to consider…..

Especially if you know somebody who hates that TV show ” Duck Dynasty ” —-

It’s the Beer Beard — secret beverage dispenser.

See, what you do, you just put this on, and people will never know you got 72 full ounces of beer stashed discreetly behind your realistic looking facial hair.

Haha…. wow… how subtle can you get, huh?

People are probably using this thing at work right now and you never even knew it!

It might explain a lot.

It comes with everything they need to start using it right away —

Except cheap beer, of course
…. and a comb to brush crumbs and bits of food out of it.
…… and special artificial beard deodorizer ….
…….. oh, and some insect spray…
they might need that after a coupla uses.

Then, just start talking crazy shit about ‘Nam
……….. and people’ll get to thinking yer name is Si.

And speaking of tight asses…..

( Yes, we were, we were talking about the people in your office, remember? )

…..if you work around a lot of vain men, why not give ’em a little help looking their best?

6This is called the Maniki for Men….

… and it’s to give that tight, firm and high look —-

…… to even the flabbiest of empennage des masculines.

You know —
a Butt Bra for the Boss.

This way, you don’t have to listen to all the excuses about:
– how he’s flabby because he’s too busy for the gym,
– how he eats Pizza all the time because he’s too busy to eat right,
– how his clothes don’t fit because he’s too busy to go shoppin….
– how he drinks too much beer because he was so busy that his wife ran off with a jazz musician…….

( actually I heard from Gabby, the office gossip, that it was an entire mariachi band. )

And speaking of Gabby….

What about that big busted office busy-body (conveniently and eponymously named Gabby) who thinks that you enjoy it whenever she leans low over your desk, while she pumps you in that squeaky cartoon voice for office secrets and gossip — (and eats all of the jellybeans out of your jar), when you’d just as soon she jumped out of the 42nd story lavatory window tied to a roll of extra absorbent toilet paper?

Yes, EVERY office has one of those, and we got that covered, too.

7It’s called the Cami-Secret…. as seen on TV.

( over and over and over and over and over again… )

A very subtle way of suggesting that she keep her decolletage to her gabby self.

Ok, yes, personally, I think these should be outlawed….

… cause I don’t ever remember objecting to the display of decolletage of any sort, ( it’s more Gabby’s motives, and not her mammaries, that I object to… )

…… but hey, I know you’ve still got your mother’s picture on your desk, so feel free to go ahead and order ’em if you insist.

Oh, and pardon my French.


Let your wondering eyes behold the Bijin-Tokei subscription application.
( in English – “beauty clock ” ) 8

Get this for that guy in your office with the overly jealous wife—

Every minute of the day, 24 hours — a new picture of a Japanese cutie holding a sign with the correct time ( in Japan) will arrive on his IPad, IPhone or other high tech gizmo.

He’ll never wonder what time it is in Kyoto, again.

and while we’re on the subject of spiffy Japanese products……
This here one I kinda like.

Of course, it’s $40……

so it’s perfect for gift-givers like me, who’d rather have a laugh,

……….. than money to buy luxuries like food and clothing.

It’s the Choken-Bako dog bank.

You put money in the dog’s bowl, and it picks it up and stores it in the bank. ( located in his belly )

What a useful and thoughtful gift.
Especially if the person don’t like dogs.

Just the right blend of kitchey gizzie and extravagant wasteful spending that shows why you should be the head of the accounting department.

Boy, howdy.

I know you got one in your office– everybody has.

It’s the guy who can’t do anything, go anywhere, or even say a word, until he’s had his coffee fix.

When now, he can get to work right away- ’cause an instant coffee buzz is just a whiff away.
9aThis pack of LeWhif instant coffee inhalers are advertised as being as “rich as coffee, as light as air” —

At twenty bucks a pack, they’re rich alright …..

And they’re so light, you won’t even taste em.

Except maybe for that powdery residue you’ll get in your lungs and throat,

….. if you suck too hard trying to get some flavor out of these things.

But remember– the good thing about gifting these fine products, according to the rules of the Secret Santa gift exchange, ( in most parts of the civilized world, anyway ) is that you can’t receive your own present.

………. until next year
….. when the lucky recipient re-wraps it for Secret Santa 2018.

Lucky you.

Well, just remember:



Cut That Out

widowI stopped into my friendly,
neighborhood used-book store
the other day …

It’s not really like
I have any spare
storage room
for any more books,

— but I figure just
how much more
precious space can a
hardbound 3 volume
set of Thucydides’
History of the Peloponnesian Wars
(with full index and
translator’s commentary)beatles

really take up, anyway?

Oh well….

I guess I can put them in
my motorcycle saddlebags
along with my paperback copy of:

Zen and the Art
of Motorcycle Maintenance

The guy that works in that
second hand book store
always puts cut-out books
aside for me he thinks that
I will like/buy —nukefun

I’m a dog lover,

always mighty proud to say it,
….. mighty proud to say it.

Still, it seems to me that
weaving dog hair into baby booties
wouldn’t be the most
efficient use of my already
very limited free time.

And as far as
raw materials is concerned,
if I’m that desperatekint,
I can just start pulling
out chest hairs,
for crying out loud.

Damn things are starting
to come in gray, anyway.

I just hope whoever buys this book:

Knitting With Dog Hair
don’t have any issues with allergies,
what with picking all the dog hairs
out of the vacuum cleaner bag,
and all.

Gazundheit. dollardate


just because you want
a deal on books
doesn’t mean you’d
want a book like this one:

Dating For Under A Dollar ” .

I dunno what kinda cheapskate
would take a girl on a dollar date,
( a dollar ??? )

… but if it was my daughter
he was treating that way,whatsittya
I’d have some serious
questions for him….

just how long do you
want to keep on living?

While it goes without saying
that hanging around
the house playing video games
and watching television
doesn’t cost anything –
———- since when
does that constitute a date ?

And who needs a book
to think of that one?

I like the ‘review quote’
on the top of the cover —
” Dating will never
be the same again “

– Brad Wilcox.

Alright —
I give up —
Who The Fuck is Brad Wilcox,
and why would I take
HIS word for it ???????

I think not.

Definitely not a charter
member of the ‘fun bunch’, I’d say.



I did see some very
weird titles in there,

and frankly,
I’m wondering how/why a couple
of these books even exist–dis

I mean,
what kind of target audience
would this one have–

(oh well, you can see
the damn thing for yourself)

If the author can’t even SPELL —

— and the publisher can’t even
proof-read a book cover ?

completely disappearing seems
like a relatively simpleboners
thing to do, really…..

Just get in line
at your local DMV office,
….. and you’ll see
exactly what I mean.


I dunno who financed
some of these duds–

I can’t imagine how anyone
would think they’d make
a profit on printing them…poo

But somehow, I’ll bet
some of the authors
of this lame literature
made a fortune on
speaking engagements.

Can you imagine paying for
a ticket to see a two-hour
lecture on the exciting things
that happened to Taro Gomi
while he was writing
“Everybody Poops” ?

Boggles the mind– wrong

But, that’s the kinda
world this is, man.

And there did seem to be
an overabundance of bad titles
in the ‘self-help/advice’
section particularly.

Why is that?

Maybe it’s a modern version of the old rule :
Those who can – do .
Those who can’t –
write a self help book.

Sorry, to tell you, though–cool

If being ‘cool’ is something
that comes out of a book,

— it ain’t gonna be this one:
“Anybody Can Be Cool,
But Awesome Take Practice


Or this blog,
for that matter —

— cause the one thing I got
in common with that author,
is that I haven’t got a clue, either.

Later Gator.

HOY !!!