Stress Off

b1The rough and tumble pace
of every day life can really
be a challenge these days…

The stresses of:

work, money,

It can really cut
into your horizontal
fun-time quotient, ya know ?

We’re working more,
but we have less leisure time,
and less money for recreation—

wifeAnd, if there’s an energy crisis anywhere,

–it’s in the amount of energy
we have left to expend on the
more fun, interesting and sexier stuff.

— after working,
paying taxes,
and fulfilling our responsibilities,

we’ve got little left over.

There’s been all kinds of social changes,
bringing their own special problems…

For instance,1
kids are living at home longer now…..

— it’s actually very common for 20 somethings.

And this certainly could put the KYE-BOSH
on any fun-time activities …..

for anybody,
and everybody in the house !

I guess if you think about it hard enough,  a1
you could always find alternative places
where you could go to ….
errrr …..
express yourself…..

But the atmosphere of some places,

even the more out of the way places,

a…. can just kinda ruin the moment.

The sweet girl-next-door –

– and the stalwart,
hard working,
monogamously-dedicated family-man types

are becoming pretty rare,

and I guess it can be hard to meet those kinds of folks at times…

— but then neither type was ever really known aa
as all that sexually adventurous to begin with, anyway.

internet dating is kinda impersonal,

and can be very unreliable……

Candor in terms of personal online relationships has tanked.

And the explosion of electronic technology
has blurred the lines of recreation…

Reverse electronic fantasies –

afantasies that reality can’t measure up to,

—but electronics CAN put into some digitized form –

have replaced the kind
you used to try to make come true for yourself.

Certain aspects of our culture have left people feeling
as if human face to face contact isn’t necessary,
or even desirable,
in order to enjoy our lives….

As if somehow, we could,
or should, call
exist as if we were all living in some kinda vacuum.

I read last week about a guy who claims to be in love with his .

His vacuum cleaner, that is.

I think it was a Hoover.

I wonder if it was one of them ones
with all the special attachments.

(I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a Roomba, anyway. )

Oh sure,

airbubbleI guess you might choose
to add some sex toys to your repertoire
to attract more interest from the opposite sex …

or perhaps it might have the opposite effect ?

No man really likes the idea
that a mechanical device can do a better job
at satisfying a woman than he can…

from her perspective,
it must be hard to argue with 40 pulses per second.

And there’s no substitute a1a
for knowing what to say and how to say it….

That’s one of the purposes of a tongue, ya know.



If it becomes too much trouble to get you some,

it’s certainly easy enough
to find a up close and personal substitute for REAL sex,
peterpeckerI guess…

you can get you an inflatable
Rachel Hunter doll with real imitation Kiwi accent.

Cricky Dick!!
Oh BONK me fanny with yer wee cracker!
! ” —

Or, for you girls,

the Peter Pecker Doll,
always a big seller….

So there’s always options, I guess.baa

You could even open up
one of them there sex farms
like they got up there in Washington State.


that’s a baaaaaaaad idea, that.

Or, you could do things the OLD FASHIONED way,

aand then,
if you really want some variety,

… all you’d have to do is switch hands.


I dunno……

There’s still something missing,

Don’t ya think?




The experiential element ?

Doesn’t anybody think that
the most interesting thing about sex
is the physical, mental, and emotional interaction
between two people anymore ?

Or is really just all about orgasms in a vacuum?

not that Hoover thing again.

HOY !!!!



Beating Up On Stress

beeI’m really worn out and beat down right now,

— so I hope you guys will accept my apology
if I didn’t get to drop in on your sites
on the reader as per my usual routine.

Sleep has been a real premium for me lately,

— and I’m just not all here tonight.

I’m going to catch up this week,overworked
come hell or high water, though.

And in honor of that,
here’s a post with some advice
I need to take more seriously myself.

Beating Up On Stress

I know, I know.

1Your job is stressful.

If helps to remember
that you are the only normal person there, of course…..

….and that the only reason some people are still alive
is because it’s illegal to kill em.

Sure, the gene pool around there could use some chlorine.1906

(I’m thinking it’s way too late for that.)

Sure, the annual company picnic
would be much better
if the same four guys
didn’t eat every bit of the good stuff
before most people arrived.

(How do 4 guys manage
to eat 57 pounds of BBQ ribs
in 15 minutes, anyway?)

Sure, those rumors about you
and that cute milf in human resources
wouldn’t bother you half as muchbillcat
if one iota of it was actually true…..

(There really isn’t enough room
for both of you in that supply closet,
ya know…. )

they spelled your first name wrong on the last ‘great job!’ certificate they gave you..sylvester

(but who can tell,
what with it all yellowed with age, and all……)


Let me tell you something to cheer you up, buddy.

None of this stuff is gonna matter a hundred years from now anyway.

squidward…… cause you’re gonna be as dead
and forgotten as an abandoned Styrofoam cup.

That cup’ll probably be in better shape, actually.

Feel better, now?

No ???

Well , using humor is only one
in a whole list of groovy ideas
we’re gonna talk about
in today’s super-dooper post about relieving stress —2

—- coincidentally called “Relieving Stress (before it kills ya).


I mean,
we all got stress in every part of our daily lives, right?

Some of it comes from friends and family…..

You say your 15 year old daughter wants a tattoo of a snake swallowing a banana ?

You say your wife just ran off
with a Grateful Dead tribute band, a
but not before she gave you a case of her mystery itch
and rainbow colored rash ?

You say your son wants advice
on whether 3 inch heels or 4 inch heels
look better with his miniskirt ?

You say termites ate that ’46 Ford Woody
you just spent thousands to restore?

You say the front wheel on your motorcycle
doesn’t like to stay on when you hit speeds over 30?

You got stress, buddy.

Home life can drive ya to drink, sure.catcher

But for most of us,
the majority of our stress comes from WORK.

‘Cause basically,
we’re only there cause we gotta be.

Otherwise, we’d be on the beach chasing hotties…..

Or in the mountains, chasing hotties……

Or at the gym, chasing hotties……….

On in the city, chasing hotties…….

Or out…..

oh well, you get the idea.

Yes, it certainly can be stressful doing stuff you don’t really feel like doing.

And worse—-pinata
because while you’re doing stuff
you don’t really feel like doing,
your boss is giving you more stuff
to do that you’re not gonna feel like doing, either.

And speaking of that boss of yours……

Is there some kinda job-pool for a**holes
from where they pick these guys to be bosses?

I mean, other than being a tool,

…… what other qualifications did they look at before they chose him?


there are things you can do to take the edge off your workday.

My father’s generation had something called a “Liquid Lunch” —fishblender

.. which consisted of a coupla stiff drinks and a ham sandwich.

The sandwich was often skipped,
for the sake of time management……

And while most modern employers
kinda frown upon the liquid lunch,
…. the time management thing is something you can use to reduce stress.


Managing your time

Look at it this way.

You got projects to finish, errands to run, reports to turn in.captured

You ain’t got time to spare for someone who has no respect for your time.

Just cause THEY don’t have anything to do, doesnt mean YOU don’t.

I get it all the time – we recently had a bizarro character at work named Darleen.

She would stand at my desk and yammer for an hour about nothing while I was trying to concentrate.

Yammer, yack, blahh blahh blahh, yacketty yack….
and always about herself.

See, it was always important to her
— and always meaningless to me,
to my employer, or to my job mission.

The final straw came after she told me a 45 minute story1394651015132
about she wrestled a honey-bun from a cockroach,
all the while, giggling to herself about witty the story was.

Every 10 or 12 words she would interject a “Help Me Jesus“,
or a “It just tickled me” for additional dramatic effect.

I kid you not.

After the bun-versus-cockroach story,
I told her from then on,
I would give her five minutes to spit-out whatever she had to say,
and then I was gonna go back to work,
regardless whether she was finished talking or not.

The first couple times, she kept talking after her alotted five-a1
but I would turn up my music,
and give 100 percent of my attention to what I was doing-

…….or if I wasnt doing anything,
I would tap, tap, tapety tap on my laptop keyboard like I was .

In other words, I ignored her completely.

Soon, she left me alone altogether,
and found someone else’s time to ruin…. I mean – waste.

A genuinely weird person, that one.

But, my strategy certainly made my life easier –3

I had more time to do my thing,
and without the hostility I felt from her wasting my time.

Give people time limits, and stick by them.

I don’t need/want an employee taking 20 minutes to explain why they want Thanksgiving Day off.

I want it, too — that doesn’t mean either of us can have it.

They will learn to respect your time- if you stick to your guns.

My office rule is:aball
Say it nicely and concisely –
and then, please get the hell out .

I firmly believe 90% of the stuff
that comes up at work can be handled
in meetings of five minutes or less.

I don’t mean the work
that you put into solving it can be handled in five minutes –

I mean, the explanations, details, instructions, decisions –
that kinda thing.

Try it and see….

There’s also a great book called “The Five Minute Manager” ,elvgren
you might wanna read.


Speaking of books, I always keep a favorite pin-up or two tucked away in one of my training manuals–

—– manuals that nobody but me uses.

There’s nothing that will cheer a man up faster than a quick eyeful of lovely feminine pulchritude.

Just keep it low-key,

…. just in case some unauthorized rummager starts unauthorized rummaging.

Besides, the idea here is to calm down,
……. not to get amped up.

I told you, that supply closet is way too small, man.


Do something FUN at lunch.

The Spaniards have the right idea…..

I’m not suggesting you take a nap in the mens room stall during lunch,
…… especially if you snore, (or are a woman),

But, a nice break of some kind during the day will really help recharge your batteries.

A walk around the Greenway would be great on a nice day….
……… maybe that pretty Miss Gonzalez from personnel will join ya.

Get out of the office if you can, even if it means driving somewhere.

The best plan is to do something different each day.a100

On Monday, you might take the boss or a coworker out for lunch.

Tuesday, jump in the car and treat yourself at the Dairy Queen.

Wednesday, a healthy walk and a salad…

Thursday, maybe show Miss Gonzalez your etchings.

Friday, well, I guess it depends on how the well the etchings went over.

Just get the hell outta the office……..



Celebrate The Day.

Any day can be a celebration — or an excuse for one.

Take June 22nd, for instance.

That’s the anniversary of Judy Garland’s death.

Now, that might not mean anything to me or you

But I promise there are guys in your office-

—- who not only know that, but commemorate it — or will, tonight – in top hat and high heels.

I’m not saying you oughta come to work in drag.

All I’m saying that there’s always something to commemorate-
no matter what day it is.

If you’re not a Judy Garland fan ( and I certainly am not ) —
….. that day is also Kris Kristoferson’s birthday….stress
And it’s the second day of Summer.

Whooo hoooo.


Take ten and blog how you’re feeling

Sometimes it helps just to put stuff down on paper.

Well, ok……..
we don’t use paper anymore in these digital days — we keep computer journals.

Some people actually post their journals….

it’s a great break for the mind — whether it’s a full-on blog, or just a Twit —

It’ll give you an outlet for all those ….. errrr…..


…… frustrations you might be feeling during the workday.snoopy

Doesn’t it feel good to sublimate?

It will also give your friends fair warning if you came to work armed with an Uzi today.

Laugh a little, Laugh a lot.

One thing I always like to do when I’m stressed is laugh.

There’s nothing quite like a good laugh to get the endorphins flowing.

Keep a dirty joke book in your briefcase….
….. or a book of Calvin and Hobbes cartoons in your desk.acook

Or, trade a good joke for a dollar.

You can find all kinds of things to laugh at, if you try.

After all, that boss of yours — he’s not exactly a fashion plate, right?

Take up a pool to see what color ugly tie he’ll be wearing today —
or whether his socks’ll match.

Find little ways to mess with him
without him knowing it’s you who’s doing it.

A little vaseline on his pen will cheer things up…

….. hide a different one of his computer keys each day….

… page him for non existing phone calls from celebrities:
……….. ” Call for Mister Boss from Dolly Parton on line two…”

astr… find out what kinda music he hates,
and then see
if you can get the musak changed to un-suit him.

Oh sure, I like messin with people,
and you will too,
once you get the hang of it.

Just remember to stay anonymous —-
———————— or the last mess will be on you.


PS… thanks to G P Cox for the 2nd image !!!