Letters of the Lovelorn

a3Hiya, Y’all.

For some reason,
we’ve been getting
all kinds of letters
here at the Müscleheaded Blog,

— asking for advice
on matters of the heart.

not about anginabomb

maybe something
that vaguely rhymes with it ?

– but no,
I meant love, wise guy.

And since everybody knows
that I don’t HAVE a heart,

and it is
alentines Day,

I thought we’d get suziewonder1
Miss Suzie Wonder,

our very own Müscleheaded
Blog Science Editor,

— to answer ’em for you.

I mean,
love is all about
science, right ???

Part biology,
part sociology,
part psychology,
part —

Oh, well,
it’s her damned job,

…… and she’s just
gonna have to do it.

Take it away, Suzie.


Love Advice — By Suzie Wonder

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these lettershammer
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,skin


considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other gag
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?


Dear Suzie ,
I always end up
getting in a fight

with my girlfriend
this time of year,

because otherwise,
I gotta spend a lot of money
for Valentines Day presents,
flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,

but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that
it’s just a matter of time
before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!

Careful With Money.

Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty

An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….


I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.withoutyou

(<editors note–
hey  !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)



Dear Suzie,
I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,
never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me.

Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too)

Prince Lovesick.

Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)



Dear Suzie, 
I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. pregnant

What should I do?
Signed, Anxious.
Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?

Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–rest
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)



Dear Suzie , 
I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.

With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.


Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)



Dear Suzie,
I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff,

…. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… love

I thought she’d never
know the difference,

but somehow she found out,
and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics.

She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is:
What’s wrongwtf
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,

A Plagiarist in Love.

Dear Dumbass:
I’m not even gonna
waste my breath on you.

PS : The above comment about
breeding goes double for you.

(<editors note–
sometimes Suzie can play
kinda rough, ya know? >)


Happy V-Day !




Dear Buzz The Mechanic

This is normally
the time of the month
for “Suzie Wonder
Answers Your
Questions About Love” —

unfortunately for us,
Miss Suzie Wonder
is off gallivanting
somewhere on vacation,
so Buzz The Mechanic
will answer the “love”
questions today.

Buzz is an Ace Mechanic —
— hot rods are his specialty–
and he’s been chompin’
at the bit to write his
own column on the
Muscleheaded Blog ,
so, he’s
gonna fill in for Suzie.

One of his favorite tools
is an air hammer,

so, I’m thinking,
as far as subtlety goes
at least, that you
probably won’t
even be able to tell the

We’ve done a bit of editing
to make the whole thing
a bit more ,
oh, just go ahead and
read the damn
things, wouldya ?

(we only got one –
Suzie must have
ripped up the rest)


Dear Suzie (BUZZ):

As a woman (MAN) I’m sure
you’ll be able to relate to
this issue I’m having
with my husband.
He spends 12 hours a day
in the garage working on
his car, complaining it’s
under-powered and slow.
He’s got engine parts spread
out all over the garage, the kids
can’t get to their bikes, and
he never has any time for
my many relatives who
are constantly visiting.
What’s up ?

Constance in Cowtown.


Dear Cowtown Constance,
I would definitely suggest
a valve job — new rings
and pistons with a fuel
injector setup should make
a general improvement in
As for the many visitors,
if he adds some noisy
headers, he can rev
the engine up and run
those folks off quick.
A nice beer cooler
out there in the
garage is also a good
way to keep him get
organized and focus
on the tasks at hand,
especially since the
kids can’t get out
there now, anyway.

Glad to be of help.
Suzie. BUZZ.


No Kind Act Goes Unpunished

I dunno justaaa
what the hell
I was thinking.

I was at the gym
(my usual place to be
at 10:30 am on a
weekday morning )chowhound
and I had this big
dumb guy that I
know (slightly)
ask me about foods
he can eat that don’t
have all that
many calories…..

I tried to give him
a short list
off the top
of my head,
but then,
‘awww, what the hell’ — 

— and gave him
the address4
for my training blog

(which of course,
links up to this one ) ….

And you know what
Judge Judy
always said:

” No Kind Act Ever
Goes Unpunished ” 

( I bet you don’t
even know
what the hell1111
I’m talking about…. )

But the upshot
was that this guy
had all kinds of
‘constructive criticism’
about your favorite
blog ( and mine ) —11
this one.

He particularly didn’t like
the ‘sarcastic tone’,
and the
‘gratuitous nudity’.

( like there’s such
a thing as ‘gratuitous’
when it comes tochickenoregg
cheesecake and pin-ups )

The technique he used
with me was very similar
to what we former
practitioners of Sales
Management used
to call the ‘happy sandwich’ —

Piling a bunch
of major negative crap
between two minor pieces
of half-hearted ‘positives’.getsome

And normally —

— I would have gotten
pretty pissed off,

— told him to mind
his own fucking business —

— and then ask hima
just what in the name of
Diedrich Knickerbocker
would he know
about writing a humor blog
that I’ve been doing longer
than he’s ever had
a regular girl friend.


— he also wanted
to know if our
‘Science Editor’
Suzie Wonder
was single,

— and if he could
get her number,Sam_and_Ralph_choke

which I most heartily
and readily gave him.

Suzie will fix him.

And how.

Git him, Suzie !!!!!

!!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suzie Wonder- Love Doctor

doctor Our resident Crumudgeon
and Muscleheaded
Science Editor
Suzie Wonder
has been bitterly
(again) about
her lack of space
on this here
badly written…
(errrr… I mean..)
… fine,
erudite blog —

Damn, she’s got me
talking like her now.suziewonder1


I turned over the official
“letters to the editor”
duties to her,

figuring she’d enjoy
feeding back to
the various folk
who like to correspond
with us,
here at the
Worldwide Supreme Headquarters
of Muscleheaded Labs, Inc.

But she said that
she was only interestedwetnap
in dealing those ‘meaty’
‘juicy’ letters that we,
don’t get a lot of.

You know,
and sex,
and stuff.

I’m beginning to thinkstef
she just likes to complain.

I did not say ‘bitch’.

Dammit, Suzie —

I don’t care
how many times
you read that paragraph,shane
you will not see the word
‘bitch’ one time.

( You might see it twice
afterwards, but still…. )

well, anyway —

Suzie does apparently have
some letters and responses ready,
so if I can just get a drum-roll
from somewhere…..

forget it man….val
let’s just get on with it.


Letters to the Editor
by Suzie Wonder

Thanks, Plank-head. 

Our first letter comes from a
Mister R.L. Missingtoe
from Missoula, Mississippi.

He writes:

Dear Suzie : 
I’ve known my girl friend
for 12 months now,
and I want to spend the
rest of my life with her, pri
but my mother says
she’s not near good
enough for me. 
Momma has given me
a list of things for my
girl friend to improve
upon, but so far,
she has been less
than fully compliant. 
How do I secure
her complete cooperation? 

Dear Missingtoe: 
First of all,
I’ve outgrown angora sweaters
in the time you’ve known
this girl…. 

What makes you think ho
you’re even gonna
like her next year? 
And even more importantly– 
what makes you think
she’s gonna like you
the day after tomorrow? 
Hell, I’ve only met you
through one letter and
I already can’t stand you. 
My advice is to completely
re-think this deal,
and tell Momma to
go get her own damn lady
cub to mindfuck. 
That kinda thing is
still illegal,
even in Mississippi. 

( Let’s hope
it’s not from Mississippi. )

Dear Suzie: 
I’m comfused.
My girl friend gives me
all the sweet lovin’ I want,
and I want to marry her. 
My Momma says that I shouldn’t,
and always asks me why I should
buy a cow when I’m already
getting the milk for free. chase
Can you clarify this for me? 
Thank you, 
Elmo Kierkegaard,
Somewhere other than Mississippi. 

Dear Elmo:
You’re also an idiot.
And damn,
another Mama’s boy, too, huh?


Assuming your ‘girl friend’
is what we science experts
call a female ‘Bos Taurus’
you should still pay the
person who feeds and houses
the animal for the right to
draw lactate –
— that would be thebutt
honest thing to do.
And make sure you
get it pasteurized first.
Cows can make quite
loyal friends and companions,
but you should not entertain
any matrimonial dreams with her.

On the other hand,
if the girl friend
in question is a member
of the genus ‘Homo Sapiens’
(human beings)
and you are using this cow allusion
to refer to sexual intercourse,
then you and your mother arelettera
members of a group which
we scientific professionals
call ‘non compos mentis’ ,
and I have serious doubts

about any girl who would
get involved with you, too.


If you have questions
about sex or relationships
and you, too,
would like

to benefit from
Suzie Wonder’s

soothing encouragement, 
and homespun solutions
to all of life’s problems,

you can write her care
of the 
Muscleheaded Blog at:  

I mean, a1
I wouldn’t,

free will and all. 

HOY !!!!


Advice From Suzie Wonder

boothI have often wondered who those people who write advice columns get their advice from….

I guess it’s obvious enough from most of those columns,

that they just make up their insipid answers as they go along.

And no matter,
how good or how bad the advice is,

….you can’t really lay any responsibility on them if stuff goes horribly horrible.

Cause in the end,
the hopelessly hopeless people
who are writing the letters, abby
are expecting sage advice from a know-nothing, busy-body society columnist.

The woman’s been wearing the same hair-do since 1952,

….. and you’re expecting relevancy.

What I really want to see, though —

are the letters that end up in Dear Crabby’s trash bin….

Oh yes– depraved

the questions–

and especially the answers

—— that don’t make it into the column.

Even optimists for hire can have their bad days, ya know.

And, I would imagine that all those sh*t-canned letters and answers would make much tastier reading,

or at the very least,
more digestible

….. than the horrible pablum those advice columnists usually serve up.

We here at the Muscleheaded Blog were thinking on similar lines,suziewonder
and we have had our Science Editor, Suzie Wonder working on it.

After all–
she’s a natural for that kinda work, right?

Well, this morning,
I had taken the liberty of shuffling through the post that Suzie Wonder was writing,
( as well as her inbox )

….. y’know,
just in case there was something I could use —


All I can say is that I’m not gonna do that again.

oh why,
oh why….selfie

would strange men send Suzie close-up selfie pictures of their junk ???

…… when all she’d want to do is hack ’em off and hang ’em from her rear view mirror, is beyond me.

I mean,
where do these guys think she got those other ones from, anyway?

So anyway —

To make it up to her (me getting caught rummaging through her stuff)
— and to keep MY OWN junk from joining her collection —
I told her I would post her column unedited.

So now:
” Ask Advice From Suzie Wonder ” :

Dear Suzie Wonder:
I am a 20 year old male, and I recently took a prescription medication that had the side effect of making me lactate.
My pregnant girlfriend thinks it’s funny, and says we can share the nursing duties when she has our baby.
What can I do?
Signed, Larry.

Dear Lactating Larry:
Human breast milk is healthier than formula, so, suck it up.



petmonkeyDear Suzie Wonder:
My boyfriend and I have a terrible sex life. It’s gotten so bad that the only time I want to hold his hand is to get the angle right,
…. but then, even if I am lucky enough to get close to orgasm, he yells “Geronimo” and it spoils the moment for me.
I’m feeling very frustrated at this point.

Dear Frustrated:
By return post, I have sent you a list of “100 Famous Indian Chiefs”.
Have him try one of the other names on the list next time.



smartDear Suzie Wonder:  
How can I lose 50 pounds in a single month ?
Please, nothing complicated–
I’m a simple guy, looking for a simple answer to a simple question.
Is that too much to ask for crying out loud?

Dear Simple:
No, it’s not too much to ask,
…. and I’ll be happy to give you a simple, sure-fire way of doing it.
Let me know how well it works for you.



fondlingDear Suzie Wonder:
I had a terrible eye rash last year and my friend said, putting mayonnaise on it would help. I took his advice and put mayo on my eyelids and it didn’t work. After I told him he started laughing like an asshole.
Turns out he was not serious at all. What should I do?

Dear Mayo-boy:
Put some mustard on your head, spin around three times,
and then say: ” I am a human hot dog“.



bathroomDear Suzie Wonder:
I was born with a pointy nose.. so when I got older, I told all my friends I was going to have it surgically altered. I went, but it ended up looking worse than ever. Since then, I’ve been getting ribbed a lot about it. My mother says that people aren’t laughing at me, they’re laughing with me. What do you think?
( selfie pictures of nose, and another body part, (equally over-sized), enclosed )

Dear Bergerac-boy:
No, they’re definitely laughing AT you.
Did you ever think about using that nose of yours as a can opener?
As for the other picture, you should really consider a career in the circus.



freshcigDear Suzie Wonder:
I have to give an oral dissertation for my Divinity Studies class final, and I haven’t a clue on how to proceed, since I paid absolutely no attention all year.
Any ideas?
Sincerely yours, Buck.

Dear Lazy-buck:
Print out the lyrics to Led Zepplin’s “Stairway to Heaven” and recite those.


——follow up letter

Dear Suzie Wonder:
Thanks– I think that idea for my Divinity Studies class final might just work —-
…… but what about my health sciences class final ?

Dear DumbANDLazy-buck:
Try John Lennon’s “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road”.



badadviceDear Suzie Wonder:
I like to write on my hand,
and this drives my girlfriend crazy.
She’s really disgusted by it,
and threatens to break up with me if I don’t stop doing it.
What do I do next?

Dear Ink-boy:
Get a tattoo to solidify your relationship…

— make it nice and dark, so you can write on your hand all you want and she won’t be able to see it.



schoolDear Suzie Wonder:
Hi again. Thank you for the response on my lactating question. My pregnant girlfriend and I have been fighting over what to name our baby when it arrives. It’s making my medical problem worse, because we can’t agree. I think Larry is a nice name, and she doesn’t. What do you think?
Signed Larry (again)

Dear Milk-boy: I dunno why you persist in asking me insipid questions about your stupid life, but I don’t see how naming a kid after a guy who gives milk is gonna help things any.









Manual Labor

varietyI hate to tell you this…..

But, some of you guys really missed the boat here, man.

Cause the application process for man-tester has now been filled.

So sorry.


I guess I’d better refresh your memory.

Last year, I told y’all about a weird ‘job opportunity’ I came across in my ‘travels’ ,

I just figured that when I come across such a unique real world application of the words:

weird, free, funny and sorta-sexy,

…. that I had a responsibility,
as one of them there
weird, free, funny, sorta-sexy bloggers
…….. to let people know about it.

Was it also a bit onanistic and creepy?


Yeah, I guess that goes without saying.

But what I can say is that if you were truly interested,
…… you’d better put that thing away and keep moving.

When opportunity knocks, and all that.

There was this company in the U.K. that was running this ad:


Yes, it was an ad for sex-toy testers.

It was for males, 18 and over only —

Apparently, these people,

( the same folks who brought the world such important scientific innovations like the “Hot Octopussy”, )

had invented a new gadget —
called a “Guybrator”, that they were looking to market.

And I thought I would give you the buzz on it. type

Umm.. wait.

Ok, seriously,

they really were looking for guys to test various items out,

….. and give them feedback.

Of course, you first had to make the cut —

— they said you have to own your own penis,
( I know plenty of guys who don’t )

need to be able to handle pressure,
………. and have good stamina.

That means, of course —
you’d be engaged in important, strenuous work —

No, you wouldn’t be:
meeting any interesting people,
or seeing interesting places,
or sleeping with interesting women,
or even performing a variety of interesting tasks ……

But you would be:

choking the chicken,
bashing the bishop,
slapping Mr. Fantastic,
stroking for lotion,
spanking the monkey …….


Listen, I’m doing you lugs a big favor here by interrupting, ’cause the Musclehead is on one of his listing kicks again — so far he’s got about 72 different terms for whacking off, and he’s still typing — what I’ll do is edit out most of them, and leave 6 or 7– and he’ll never know the difference. After all, he doesn’t read this crappy blog, either. Hey, you’ll thank me later. But, if you insist on the full monty, email the big dumb bastard at carolinamuscle@outlook.com — I’m sure he’ll have over 100 by then.

BTW; stop doing that- you’ll go blind.

tossing off a wank,
janking the jerky,
milking Little Elvis,
flogging the log,
or pulling yer pudd
( there’s just one ‘d’ if it’s a grow-er instead of a show-er )

((( My friend Carolyn just sent me some more of these—
joining the giblets
cock stuffing
playing hide the salami
riding the flagpole
hitting it raw
storming the castle
getting the bone
downloading your hardware )))

All with the help of a motorized plastic device.

Hoooooo Boy , where does one sign up, right?

Sorry — as I said, job filled.

Wait — you still want to know about the job benefits?

gumWell, they had no problem with you working at home….

……… actually, I’m pretty sure that they much preferred it.

They claimed to provide a “great package”,

…. and all the tissues you’ll need.

Ok, see…
I knew you wouldn’t believe me.

Check it out for yourself then, Mister Doubting Thomas.

Their site is at: http://www.hotoctopuss.com/handjob/

Yes, as I said, the job is now filled by some lucky individual.

But why not just email them and tell them how much they’re missing?

all that O.J.T. you’ve been doing’s gotta count for somethin’, right?




The Wonders of Science with Suzie Wonder

haterEvery month, the Muscleheaded Blog’s own Suzie Wonder takes to the old WordPress to express her own very unique perspective on stuff —

I get a lot of questions about Suzie’s background,

— but she doesn’t like for me to talk about her past too much.

Don’t tell her I told you,
— but she spent many years in a convent,
before becoming a nurse proctologist.

(Seems like a natural enough progression, I guess)

I can also tell you that she’s known around the office as the ‘Diva of the Bird’s Eye View’.

Of course, no one calls her that to her face.breathing

‘Mizzz Wonder Ma’am’
is all she’ll answer to.

When she ain’t ignoring you altogether.

But, please, ladies–

I seriously advise caution before attempting to take any of Suzie’s advice —

She’s been kinda cranky lately,

and when she’s like that,

—- you never really know when she’s kidding, and when she’s not.

Just sayin.

(in other words,
please don’t take any of this seriously-
remember, it’s a humor blog !!!! )

Speaking of which —suziewonder1

Here’s Suzie’s column for this month.

“Practical Every Day Science,
……….. by Suzie Wonder”

Hello, ladies.

Let me ask you a question.

Does your male sibling or significant-other irritate you by sloshing ketchup on everything he eats without even bothering to taste the food first to see if it even needs it?

I mean, I go to all the trouble of making a nice, well seasoned meatloaf,

— and PLOP goes that red SLOP all over the plate.

I’m tired of it, girls.

And you shouldn’t stand for it either.

So, here’s what you can do about it.

About 10 minutes before you’re ready to serve, add a bit of baking soda to a plastic bottle of ketchup, seal it up good, and give it a couple of shakes.

The vinegar in the ketchup will react with the baking soda to create carbon dioxide…

The result: when he opens the bottle, he’ll be setting off a virtual red volcano.

If he’s wearing that stupid Allman Brothers T-Shirt that he’s had since 1973, then, all the better.

Just make sure he’s the one that has to clean the whole mess up.

Tell him you’ll get your Mother to come over and do it otherwise.

That should break him of his taste for that stuff once and for all.
Just another practical science tip, as a public service.


And, speaking of getting him to clean up after himself…..

If you really want him to be a little more accurate in hitting the toilet every time he pees, you might want to try this:

The next time you go to the pet store, pick up a little bottle of Methylene Blue (it’s in the tropical fish section).

Then, mix some in with his chili or spaghetti sauce.

It’s pretty much non-toxic,

( ok,
some people might be allergic,
oh well )

and it’ll turn his pee BRIGHT BLUE.misandry

Man, that’ll get his attention —

He’ll be so freaked out ,

that he’ll be watching very closely what comes out,
— where it goes —
from now on.

Take it from me–

You’ll thank your old gal-pal Suzie Wonder in the end.

See you next month.


— thanks, Suzie.

I think.

I dunno, fellas…

I’m still totally carnfuzzled why that girl is still single after all these years, ya know?