I never was someone who enjoyed the art of conversation all that much.
— for me, writing is better.
Writing gives you time to think-
time to compose —
time to edit.
Face to face conversation is more of extempore kinda thing —
…. and I’m just not all that glib.
when there’s something really important to say–
“I love you“,
“Yes, there’s a reason that kid looks like me“,
“I miss you“,
“I’m sorry I ignored the safe-word last night“,
“I lust you“,
“I hated the guy, but I’m sorry your Daddy is dead“,
……….. or just a simple
“I fucked up bigtime” ——
Well, in those times, I admit it — I’ll often let flowers do my talking.
Not just flowers, mind you — Roses .
And while it took me many years to learn it, there certainly is a symbolism to roses that is pretty important for us men to understand.
Giving roses is a subtle art —
— and like any art,
you have to learn the basics before you can pull off a masterpiece —
…. such as:
Explaining to whomever it may concern the presence of two sets of women’s panties under your bed–
sizes 4 in pink, and 9 in black, respectively….
Or informing your favorite feminine type person that you bought that vintage 1949 Vincent Black Shadow “C type” Motorcycle, despite her objections.
Or before telling her the real reason you booked the “party suite” at the Bellagio next weekend.
if you’re a man over 30, I’m sure you can come up with plenty of appropriate occasions of your own.
I’m absolutely sure of it.
It ain’t easy staying out of trouble …
…. and life kinda sucks when you do manage it.
So, you have to have a plan, man.
Roses will work wonders, if you understand what they mean to a woman sensitive enough to appreciate their nuances.
I’m talking “Get Out Of Jail Free” card here, man.
Let’s talk about the most common colors and their uses.
Deep red roses can be very problematic, unless you’re trying to impress her enough to marry her.
They represent romantic love, emotional sensuality, and ardent concupiscence.
( …. awwwwww—- look it up, Hemingway. )
When you give deep red roses casually, they’re probably writing checks for you that you ain’t ready to cash.
This is the .50 caliber handgun of roses — just too much gun for most occasions.
Lighter color reds still send the same messages, just not as passionately.
If you’re still signing your notes with ‘LUV YA’, you’re not ready for these babies.
In that case, you’ll probably want:
Yellow roses are commonly called ‘friendship roses’,
and that’s basically what they’re saying.
” Hey– you’re pretty cool —
I like hanging around your apartment, eating your food, playing with your dog, even sleeping in your bed, just as long as stuff don’t get really serious all of a sudden and you start thinking I’m gonna give up my other girl friends, my PlayStation, and my own apartment .”
Yeah… like that.
The rules are off, however, if you’re in Texas.
Ya see, there was this song ” Yellow Rose of Texas”, which kinda complicates things down there.
Getting a yellow rose down there can mean anything from “YEEEEEE-HAWWWW” to “Congratulations, We’re Pregnant“.
And by ‘we‘, she means ‘her‘, by ‘you‘.
Here’s a coupon for the next time you get the itch.
Now, be nice, and send her some :
Pink roses express gratitude… they’re the classic “Thank You” rose.
They certainly be used in a romantic way, especially after a particularly spectacular evening —
(….careful you don’t make the same mistakes as last time…. )
” I appreciate you ” ,
” I like that thing you do with your tongue” , and
” You know, I could get to like being around you”
……… are the most common messages sent by these roses.
… and more so, if you add a light red rose into the mix– but watch it, or you could get a new roommate.
If you’re sending them in response to receiving yellow ones, well, I think you already got at least two moving in.
In which case, you could send:
White roses in a bunch indicate innocence, purity, reverence and love in the whole Platonic sense of the word.
Or, I guess it could mean,
“I was out of town that whole month” ,
One white rose means something different —
……….. it’s the rose a secret admirer sends to his lady love.
The proper response for the lady in question is to either ignore it, or wear it as a corsage to indicate curiosity or potential interest, in the hopes that the secret admirer will reveal himself.
Ok… it does seem a bit old fashioned, I guess.
And most people handle this kinda thing with emails these days,
……….. but what the hell.
LAVENDER or PURPLE :
These roses make ideal roses to give a girl on a first date, or when asking for one.
They can indicate infatuation, but usually nothing serious.
They’re usually more expensive than other roses,
…… and so they can be a way of telling the lady that you’re not just another cheap piker looking for a hand-out, or a hand-in.
Thus, giving lavender roses is a wonderful impression maker,
—– and might get you a date when even your devastatingly charmin’ personality and manly good looks might otherwise fail ya.
Cream colored roses are often the safest rose you can send, when you’re totally banjanxed on what else to send.
They’re kinda the non-committal,
” how’s it hangin’ ” off the rose family.
They also include some of the most beautiful and scented varieties.
Whether you want to say:
” Hey, I hope you can come to my pool party ” ,
” Hey, thanks for letting me know about that whole communicable disease thing you exposed me to “,
………… it’s all pretty much covered by cream colored roses.
You can safely send em to your Aunt Margaret without her thinking you’ve gone completely over to the dark side.
( Well, the roses won’t let her in on it, anyway. )
Of course, what you write on the card might change the whole complexion of your relationship, but that’s on you.
( if you saw MY Aunt Margaret, you’d be thinking harder about this one… )
Orange roses indicate fascination and inspiration —
… when you send them to a woman,
you are saying:
“You are my muse, You inspire me“.
They are particularly good when sending them to an older or more mature woman that you are interested in.
( but, leave my Aunt Margaret outta this, please… )
It’s a way of expressing admiration for a lady –
for her intelligence, talent, personality, sense of humor,
….or maybe for her driving skills—-
when she swerved to avoid hitting you,
as you were riding a bit reckless on your motorcycle through the neighborhood.
Hey, that could happen, you know.
Hopefully, she will take them in the spirit in which they were intended,
—- and NOT send you these in response.
Black roses usually do not mean a funeral, but that doesn’t mean that you’re off the hook.
Someone who sends you one black rose is saying that maybe you should find another patch of ground upon which to settle, preferably in another galaxy, far, far away.
Basically, it means ” drop dead ” .
Thus, it does make an admirable response to aggressive unwanted advances.
A bunch of them could mean all kinds of things,
from a secret admirer who happens to be a vampire,
to the Róisín Dubh invitation for a Molly Maguires initiation,
…. but again, it’s not usually sent as a happy go-lucky kinda thing.
Anyone who goes to the trouble and expense of finding black roses means business.
So, be sure you leave your next of kin information somewhere they can find it.
And of course, just as roses can communicate a problem,
they can also communicate a potential offering to solve said problem.
You know what they say, roses talk.