It’s kinda humorous in a way —
–our lives seem
to have developed
as if in a parallel universe…..
He has two kids,
a boy and a girl —
He just got a new pet.
We just got a new puppy-
He just got another cat.
And I told him that…..
He replied that
the breed of cat
that he has
is more like a doggie
than your average canine…..
It’s called a Maine Coon Cat.
Not being a cat person myself —
and told him
‘good luck with that’.
a secret ingredient, either.
Bobby Flay owns three,
and Ted Allen’s got two.
And they basically
said the same thing–
a cat that acts more like a dog.
So, what’s the story
on this up and coming
cat breed, anyhoo?
Far be it from me
to turn up my nose
to any kind of pussy,
and pardon me
if I get confused easily,
— but why not just have
a dog that acts like a dog?
!!!! HOY !!!!
Every year around Halloween,
she gets so excited
about the holiday—-
She ain’t havin’ that.
I don’t get it–
one of the things
I’ve never really understood
was the popular appeal
of clowns, in the first place.
Rodeo clowns excepted —
cause they actually DO something,
— other than honk horns
or squirt people with sticky fluids
(of one sort or another…. )
And I don’t mean
the clowns you run into
on a daily basis at the Wal-Mart,
bumping the back of your shoes
with their shopping cart
full of Ring-Dings,
Ho-Ho’s, and Twinkies
while they chat noisily
on their clown-phones
with their fellow
clown-school grads …
the clowns you have to
tolerate once a year,
at the family reunion picnic,
because one of your second cousins
once seems to have managed
sexual relations with a parrot …
the clowns you see
driving down the road
in their status-clown cars
shaped like toasters on wheels,
with their stereos blasting
at 200 decibels above a
Or the ones who are always
trying to sell you something —
it’s always something :
Crappy fast food…..
I guess I just don’t get
the whole clown thing.
What’s it all about, man?
Even as a kid,
I’d look at a guy in clown makeup,
and I wouldn’t think —
“Oh Ho, Ho, He’s Funny “–
WHAT THE FUCK? ”
— to watch some no talent bum
wearing ill-fitting thrift store clothes
and too much of mom’s mascara.
It’s plain insulting…
——- that’s what it is.
Just think about the clowns on TV
during the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s …..
You might remember his theme from reruns :
” Who’s the funniest clown we know?
Who’s the clown on Howdy’s show?
His feet are big, his tummy’s stout,
But we could never do without,
Clara, Clara, Clarabell! “
who would only communicate
using a stupid horn
( for ‘yes’ or ‘no’ )
— was only slightly more funny
than a ruptured phrenoesophageal membrane.
Not that the damn puppet
was any funnier, mind you.
They sure did sell a lot of Ovaltine, though.
if there’s one thing
that’s worse than a mute unfunny clown
—– it’s a sarcastic unfunny one.
Bozo was so obnoxious
that half the time the kids
on his show looked like
they were gonna pee their panties.
How the hell are you supposed
to throw the ping pong ball in the bucket
with a seven foot guy in a
fright wig glarin’ at you, anyway????
No, sir –
I did not put any Ping-Pong
balls in my pants pocket, sir,
—— but thanks for checking.
And that clown-magician Wizzo on the show….
— no, not creepy in the least, man.
And I certainly don’t wanna
piss THAT razor-girl off,
but ‘sad clowns’ are not
only an oxymoron,
but also a total fucking
waste of emotional energy.
If a clown ain’t funny,
and none of them really are,
their whole raison d’etre to me
is kinda out the window, ya know?
who am I to knock somebody’s
mode of self-expression and all —
clowns are not creepy at all.
Completely in my imagination,
I’m sure that underneath
that stupid looking costume,
those size 27 shoes,
the painted on smile,
the fluffy fuzz buttons,
the rubber nose,
and all that garish
purple, orange, and
bright red makeup lurks the heart of —
Can you say John Wayne Gacy ?
Cannibals chasing you around
a desert island would be bad enough —
But why would you
subject your kid to
making idle chit-chat
with a grown man in a weird getup
who calls himself Grabby the Clown?
He probably thinks
Not all clowns are cannibals.
And I’m sure
some of them are
when they’re not dressed up
as some mad escapee
from Barnum and Bailey’s.
It’s probably just a big misunderstanding —
— a spelling error —
Clowns never were good
at stuff like that, I guess.
I’m just over-reacting, right?
How many times have you heard that expression?
I bet you can name about a gazillion products
that were advertised that way.
Some name brands had product lines
that were exclusively sold on TV–
….. like “Ronco”.
And who can forget the attractive spokespersons for those products–
…. the mama’s boy with a speech impediment pitching canned clogs —
( It ith weally tewiffic at thealing thtuff )
…. or the toothy cueball who used to call himself a ‘chef’,
( probably because he bought a hat )
but now sells cheap trash of all kinds.
You might even own some of those products….
….. the records featuring no name artists singing somebody else’s hits…..
….. the veg chopper that goes dull after 2 uses …..
….. the vacuum that you can throw a bowling ball with…..
….. the spray sealant that gets on everything
but what you’re trying to seal…
….. the hair thing that singes it into a curl…..
….. the glue that will set up so fast you don’t have time to put the pieces together ….
….. or anything that makes you pay twice
for shipping and handling the same crap.
Hell, they even stamp
“As seen on TV” right on stuff these days.
A mall near my home in North Carolina,
The Concord Mills Mall,
–about 20 miles from me,
even has a store that sells all that stuff direct.
( Hooo boy…..
now, you don’t even have
to wait four to six weeks to be dissatisfied !! )
I do wonder how that whole
‘as seen on TV’ thing is supposed to translate into quality……
I know some folks say “as seen on TV’ stuff gets a bad rap.
….. who to ask….
who to ask.
I got it.
A guy who routinely uses “As seen on TV” products…….
Wile E. Coyote.
A certified genius, and expert on all things technological.
Yes, he’s the guy to ask alright.
Where does he get those signs, anyway???
Oh I know….
He gets em from the Acme Company–
…….. where he gets all the fine products he uses in pursuit of the Road Runner.
( where does he keep em , though ?? )
Like those rocket propelled roller skates… man, those are cool .
I’d really like to have a pair of those babies.
You know I’m no rocket scientist…
So, I really don’t understand the physics involved.
But I really thought those things shoulda worked.
That’s the explanation
I get anytime one of my electronic gizmos go haywire.
It couldn’t possibly be an issue of badly engineered products.
Cause ACME means quality.
Ah well…. even the Coyote makes a mistake every once in a while.
Ever notice though….
…………………. he does seem to prefer things that are rocket powered.
A coyote after my own heart.
Go fast, or go home.
Still, you can take that concept to extremes, I guess.
It is the Acme Company stock number 83-277 model “Fireball” rocket sled,
…… with the XLPD extra value package…….
anodized metal sure-grip handlebars,
and full instrumentation package.
Shown here with optional seatbelts.
Goes from zero to BOOM in three seconds flat.
Don’t like that one?
For those with a family, well, there’s the Acme XL-02-200/G Rocket Car.
Seats four comfortably……
……… assuming two people don’t mind being strapped to the hood.
Comes with 17 feet of straight track.
After that, you’re on yer own.
Ok… it’s not all that big on comfort or options….
And if the G-force doesn’t get ya …
( coyotes apparently have special immunity to G force )
the sticker price surely will.
But baby, will it burn up the track.
Assuming, of course, that you can stop before you run out of track.
If not, well, as I said, you’re on yer own.
those are just a few of the fine products offered by Acme Products, Inc-
( based in Fairfield, New Jersey) .
Some of the other ACME best sellers include:
Why wait for naturally occurring earthquakes, when you can create your own —
…….. with Acme’s stock number 13-13-c Earthquake Pills ???
LOADS OF FUN….
it says so, it right on the label !!
And you know, they couldn’t say that if it wasn’t true.
Only $ 79.99 and shipped in a very carefully padded box.
Cause they tend to go off kinda unexpectedly sometimes.
How many times did you say to yourself …..
” Self — what I need is some conveniently placed huge rocks that I can use to smoosh my enemies.”
With Acme’s stock number 55-018927 Instant Boulder Mix.
Just add water,
… and push over the nearest cliff, cavern, cragg, crevice or other high precipice-like place.
Not to be taken internally.
( yow…. Talk about gallstones. )
Now, y’all know I’m big on athletic supplements….
……. but they can be very expensive.
That’s why Acme offers a full line
of reasonably priced supp’s for the Coyote on the Go.
Acme’s stock number 1890 —
Hi Speed Tonic
with Speed-Up Vitamins R, P, and M.
This stuff will have you
wired up higher than
Courtney Love on free meth night.
The only side effect is —
you may end up looking like her, too.
I can’t help myself when it comes to cooking competitions.
Especially shows like:
and my favorite —
and the ingredients aren’t always the kinds of things I would choose to use, either —
There’s also a ring of ‘fine dining’ to ‘Chopped’ that I find a bit too far into the ‘conspicuous consumption’ category.
There’s one judge on there that only has taste buds on one part of his tongue —
All he ever says is “NEEDS MORE SALT” !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it’s still better than most of the other crapola on TV.
And if Giada happens to be wearing a low-slung blouse,
so much the better.
I keep hearing from women I know about how much of a BeeyoTch that Giada probably is…..
— no worries.
She’s just another good looking woman
who won’t return my phone calls, texts, or fevered fan letters.
that list is getting awful long.
for some reason,
I could watch her all day.
Did you know that
apricots, almonds and Asiago cheese
go together as a dish extremely well ?
Maybe there’s some
nobody ever clued me into , before.
50 thousand bucks seems like a lotta money to spend for cooking school,
when all I got to know is what letter of the alphabet an ingredient starts with.
Otherwise, you’d order Pizza with Peas, Polenta, Pickles, and Popsicles.
I wonder what that would taste like.
But it doesn’t really matter —
I’m so busy watching the damn cooking shows,
I don’t have time to cook anything for my own dinner.
You do see people do eat some weird combinations, though.
Today, I guess people on those cooking shows would probably put that mess on whole wheat. 😛
Those cooks on ‘Chopped’ —
you talk about pressure…..
I don’t know how well I could handle cooking weird ingredients with a time limit. :-O
But, having Alex Guarnaschelli give me that little cockeyed smirk of hers might make the whole thing worthwhile, I dunno.
Hell, I could even learn to love wearing a suit, if I had Geoffrey Zakarian’s tailor, man.
The ‘Celebrity Chef’ has become something of a cultural icon now —
And there’s no arguing that guys like:
Bobby Flay, Emeril, and Alton Brown,
are highly skilled and infinitely watchable.
and his old “Good Eats” program was as good as a food show ever gets.
And I was pleasantly surprised to see Valerie Bertinelli hosting a baking show recently….
—- even if it WAS a kiddie competition. 😛
Well, at least I had Valerie to look at.
Yes, there’s a lot of dreck mixed in on those foodie channels, though, now that you mention it.
I’m not gonna diss anybody,
(cause you know THAT’s not MY style,
but I will say that a guy who obviously can’t cook a simple hotdog correctly,
shouldn’t be calling himself the Sandwich Emperor —
— especially if he’s from Chicago !!!!!
He’s no more a chef than I am a female dolphin with my flippers tucked up behind some schmuck named Malcolm’s.
so you missed that post,
did ya? )
Sure, I know —
” And Now For Something Completely Different” —
you were probably also expecting our lead picture featuring John Cleese.
( If not —
you were probably hopelessly confused,
…. and for all I know, somewhat perversely aroused.)
And you’re probably also expecting that this post has something to do with the groundbreaking British comedy troupe Monty Python.
Especially, since, if you’ve read this blog for more than one week, you’ll know just how much I have stolennn….
( errr… that should read– ” have been inspired “) by them, as far as my sense of humor is concerned.
But, since you asked — NO– this post does not have something to do with Monty Python.
It has everything to do with em.
This, my friend, this post, despite the fact that compared to the enormous talent of Monty Python– whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very feces are an untrammelled delight …..
yes, we will ,
dare we say it…
This post will feature trivia questions about Monty Python’s Flying Circus skits.
And, of course, a very nice recipe for Blancmange.
Nudge nudge, wink, wink.
Wicked you are, wicked.
Let’s see just what kinda Monty Python fanatic you are with these ….
If you don’t know the answer, well, you can always cheat and look at it, it’s listed below the question in light yellow.
Let me know how you do.
( hey, wise guy- you know, cheaters never win. 😛 ‘
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries)
Alright… let’s begin.
1:) A guy goes into a pet store…
puts a bird cage with a dead bird inside on the counter,
and demands his money back.
The shop owner tries to convince him that it’s just sleeping.
Customer says: “He’s not pining, he’s passed on. This parrot is no more. He has ceased to be. He’s expired and gone to meet his maker. He’s a stiff, bereft of life, he rests in peace. If you hadn’t have nailed him to the perch he’d be pushing up the daisies. He’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot!”
Now, here’s the first question — what kinda parrot was it ?
( It was a “Norwegian Blue” — and he was supposedly ‘ pining for the fjords’. )
2:) In the second season’s “Philosopher” song, name three of the philosophers mentioned.
Kant, Hume, Heidegger, Schopenhauer, Hegel, Wittgenstein, Schlegel,
Nietzsche, Socrates, Mill, Plato, Descartes, Hobbes, Socrates, Aristotle.
3:) Two hotties appeared with the cast on a semi-regular basis…
…….. who were they?
American educated Carol “Cleavage” Cleveland, and John Cleese’s soon to be former wife Connie Booth.
4:) ” Good riddance to him, the freeloading bastard, I hope he fries. And the reason I feel I should say this is he would never forgive me if I didn’t, if I threw away this glorious opportunity to shock you all on his behalf. Anything for him, but mindless good taste.” — were the words of a eulogy given by John Cleese about what late Monty Python member ?
He was a really bad barber.
6:) If you are on the Amazon, and you are swimming, what should you shout ?
(Hint: they are larger than frogs. )
Look out, there are llamas!
7:) According to the Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook, what is the actual meaning of the given phrase for “Can You Direct Me to the Train Station” ?
Please fondle my bum.
8:) Coventry City last won the FA cup in what year?
Coventry City has never won the FA cup.
Vikings eating spam.
10:) And finally, what food item brought Mister Death to Geoffrey and Angela’s cottage in Monty Python’s “Meaning of Life” ??
the Salmon Mousse
Well, that’s it.
How did you do?
Are you as big a Monty Python geek as me?
Yeah, I kinda figured that.
” Well, it’s nothing very special. Try to be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And, finally, here are some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy, which it seems is the only way these days to get the jaded, video-sated public off their fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment? Bollocks. What they want is filth: people doing things to each other with chainsaws during tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups strangling chickens, armed bands of theatre critics exterminating mutant goats. Where’s the fun in pictures? Oh, well, there we are. Here’s the theme music. Goodnight. ”
Now bugger off.
…………….. oh, the wound.
My friends in Japan set out to remind me that I haven’t seen anything yet.
You mighta read my post about the Japanese fad of:
( Hamster Ass )–
( if not , there’s a link to it )…..
Well, my co-worker Aoi doesn’t want me thinking that reading hentai and photo books featuring nothing but rodent butts represents the wholeness of Japanese cultural idiosyncraticism —- oh no.
” Horny Hutterite Housewives of Humptulips, Washington ? ”
” All American Bruce Jenner now wants to be a girl? “
“Ancient Alien Red Neck Rocket Scientists ? “
Come on, man —
….. you gaijins gotta try a lot harder than THAT, she’d say.
And, it’s true —
— so very true —
The folks in the Land of the Rising Sun can out-outré us any day of the week.
Things that guys who go over there always do when they return–
is to rave about:
the beauty of Japanese women —
the perplexing mix of katana, kanji, and romaji–
— and the absolute inedibility of most of the food.
You think you know your way around (a bit) until faced with a sign like this:
And you haven’t lived until you’ve eaten fried octopus balls.
Yes, the women are lovely, smart, and charming–
But you never really know a woman until you see her angry.
Aoi is a pretty good example, now that I think about it….
And judging from this newest Japanese TV fad she told me about,
A show on Nippon TV started in 2012 called :
” I Want A Beautiful Woman To Get Angry With Me ” —
….. and this show featured…
well, random beautiful women screaming at the camera.
The title does kinda say it all, I guess.
Unfortunately, some folks felt the show lacked focus.
Random women screaming insults and obscenities just got kinda old hat after a coupla minutes, ya know?
So, the producers have changed the show.
It’s now called ” I Want To Be Scolded by Risa Yoshiki “.
Risa Yoshiki is a pretty well known singer and internet model practicing another Japanese trend —
that of jigadori —
—–pretty swimsuit models doing sexy selfies.
So, naturally, the show’s creative geniuses figured she was a natural, and would fix the lack of viewer interest problem, too.
And boy howdy, did it.
The show is now as popular as tuna belly at a sushi festival.
So much so,
it would be hard to take her insults personally,
…… even for a guy with such a fragile ego as mine.
Of course, it helps ,
at least in my case,
……… to have such a miserably bad grasp of the Japanese language.
But, she can really dish it out — and there are subtitles:
“What are you looking at, you lecherous fogey ? “
“I’m gonna kick your weakling ass “
“Hey, hey, hey! Hello? Is there something wrong with you?”
“Just knock it the hell off already, ass!”
“You’re in your late 30s! Stop farting about ! “
“Dumbass, when people are talking about pancakes, don’t you look at the waitresses underpants !”
“You’re way too damned old to be getting excited over manga!”
and of course,
who can forget the immortal —
” Before you laugh like a moron while drinking with young women, first train your subordinates properly!”
Yes, indeed — words to live by.
Lest you forget , however,
that Risa is harboring no actual hard feelings for the viewer,
………… she always closes her show with these comforting words:
“I love you guys, dammit!”
And you know,
I feel the same way about ya.
Thanks for reading —