” As seen on TV ” .
How many times have you heard that expression?
I bet you can name about a gazillion products
that were advertised that way.
Some name brands had product lines
that were exclusively sold on TV–
….. like “Ronco”.
And who can forget the attractive spokespersons for those products–
….. like that smarmy guy who wows folks with his cheap chamois towels —
( ” You know dem Joymans always make good stuffffff ” )
…. the mama’s boy with a speech impediment pitching canned clogs —
( It ith weally tewiffic at thealing thtuff )
…. or the toothy cueball who used to call himself a ‘chef’,
( probably because he bought a hat )
but now sells cheap trash of all kinds.
You might even own some of those products….
….. like the gizmo that microwaves eggs
into something completely inedible…
….. the records featuring no name artists singing somebody else’s hits…..
….. the veg chopper that goes dull after 2 uses …..
….. the vacuum that you can throw a bowling ball with…..
….. the spray sealant that gets on everything
but what you’re trying to seal…
….. the self stirring, self melting wisk …..
….. the hair thing that singes it into a curl…..
….. the glue that will set up so fast you don’t have time to put the pieces together ….
….. or anything that makes you pay twice
for shipping and handling the same crap.
Hell, they even stamp
“As seen on TV” right on stuff these days.
( How do they know what I’ve seen , anyway? )
A mall near my home in North Carolina,
The Concord Mills Mall,
–about 20 miles from me,
even has a store that sells all that stuff direct.
( Hooo boy…..
now, you don’t even have
to wait four to six weeks to be dissatisfied !! )
I do wonder how that whole
‘as seen on TV’ thing is supposed to translate into quality……
I know some folks say “as seen on TV’ stuff gets a bad rap.
I guess the logical thing would be to consult a TV celebrity —
— they’re sure to know.
….. who to ask….
who to ask.
I got it.
A guy who routinely uses “As seen on TV” products…….
Wile E. Coyote.
A certified genius, and expert on all things technological.
Yes, he’s the guy to ask alright.
he usually only communicates with signs.
Where does he get those signs, anyway???
Oh I know….
He gets em from the Acme Company–
…….. where he gets all the fine products he uses in pursuit of the Road Runner.
( where does he keep em , though ?? )
Like those rocket propelled roller skates… man, those are cool .
I’d really like to have a pair of those babies.
Just strap em on,
— ZZZZZZZZZZoooooooooooooooooommmmm —
off ya go.
You know I’m no rocket scientist…
So, I really don’t understand the physics involved.
But I really thought those things shoulda worked.
Must have been user error.
That’s the explanation
I get anytime one of my electronic gizmos go haywire.
It couldn’t possibly be an issue of badly engineered products.
Cause ACME means quality.
Ah well…. even the Coyote makes a mistake every once in a while.
Ever notice though….
…………………. he does seem to prefer things that are rocket powered.
A coyote after my own heart.
Go fast, or go home.
Still, you can take that concept to extremes, I guess.
This beauty for instance…..
It is the Acme Company stock number 83-277 model “Fireball” rocket sled,
…… with the XLPD extra value package…….
anodized metal sure-grip handlebars,
and full instrumentation package.
Shown here with optional seatbelts.
Goes from zero to BOOM in three seconds flat.
Don’t like that one?
For those with a family, well, there’s the Acme XL-02-200/G Rocket Car.
Seats four comfortably……
……… assuming two people don’t mind being strapped to the hood.
Comes with 17 feet of straight track.
After that, you’re on yer own.
Ok… it’s not all that big on comfort or options….
And if the G-force doesn’t get ya …
( coyotes apparently have special immunity to G force )
the sticker price surely will.
But baby, will it burn up the track.
Assuming, of course, that you can stop before you run out of track.
If not, well, as I said, you’re on yer own.
those are just a few of the fine products offered by Acme Products, Inc-
( based in Fairfield, New Jersey) .
Some of the other ACME best sellers include:
Acme ‘first quality’ Earthquake Pills.
Why wait for naturally occurring earthquakes, when you can create your own —
…….. with Acme’s stock number 13-13-c Earthquake Pills ???
LOADS OF FUN….
it says so, it right on the label !!
And you know, they couldn’t say that if it wasn’t true.
Only $ 79.99 and shipped in a very carefully padded box.
Cause they tend to go off kinda unexpectedly sometimes.
How many times did you say to yourself …..
” Self — what I need is some conveniently placed huge rocks that I can use to smoosh my enemies.”
Well, your needs have now been met —
With Acme’s stock number 55-018927 Instant Boulder Mix.
Just add water,
… and push over the nearest cliff, cavern, cragg, crevice or other high precipice-like place.
Not to be taken internally.
( yow…. Talk about gallstones. )
Now, y’all know I’m big on athletic supplements….
……. but they can be very expensive.
That’s why Acme offers a full line
of reasonably priced supp’s for the Coyote on the Go.
Like this one—–
Acme’s stock number 1890 —
Hi Speed Tonic
with Speed-Up Vitamins R, P, and M.
This stuff will have you
wired up higher than
Courtney Love on free meth night.
The only side effect is —
you may end up looking like her, too.