Disclaiming This Disclaimer

bottomlessMost folks already know
that I’m almost completely
out of mind, so this won’t
surprise you, probably…

One of my favorite
things to do when
I’m utterly bored
is to make fun
of stuff….

I dunno…

— but as I said,
if you’ve been around
the Müscleheaded Blog
for even a little while,
you have
already figured
that out by
yourself, too.

Maybe because it seems
that so much of today’s
culture is vacuous —
with no real substance
or depth of meaning.

It’s as shallow aswalk
yesterday’s mud puddle.

Often as clear as that, too.

It’s just so easy to
laugh at such things.

For instance,
they’ve got warning
signs everywhere —

Don’t do this,
don’t eat that,
don’t jump off here.

And it really should
be obvious to the
sign people,
that the only people
who (based on
common sense)
ALREADY don’t know
not to do this or that
are:

people like me,
who don’t like rules
and will ignore the sign,

and stupid people,
who can’t read the
damned signs anyway.

Wait…
What category did I
say I fit in again?

Oh well, it doesn’t
really matter.

The point is:

The signs don’t help, man.

And the same goes
for small print
and disclaimers –graph

Nobody reads ’em,
and even less than nobody understands em.

Ever heard a used car commercial on the radio?

The guy’s talking loud,
clear and slow
about the bullshit price
they’re claiming to be asking —

— a $40,000 car for —
Twelve Dollars a Month! shirt
NO DOWN PAYMENT ! 
Not a lease!

(ok, somebody can’t
do math, right?)

Then, suddenly comes
the ‘small print’ —
and it’s soft, garbled,
and so blazing fast
that you gotta wonder
what kinda exotic drug
that guy’s been taking.

(and why I can’t get some) a3

It’s just how the whole ‘disclaimer’
thing works.

You’re not supposed
to get it.

That is,
until now.

Because as a huge public service,
the Müscleheaded Blog is
going to explain thema4
in a way that will do
nothing but convolute
the issue even further.

Hell, why not,
I ask you?

Cause we use them all the time around here.

Here’s a piece of 1
prima facie
evidence to show you
just makes us
such experts
on the subject.

This is from a post
called “Knowing She’s Interested” —

” Disclaimer:
Ladies, please don’t take any of this personal.
You already know I’m completely full of shit, and that I’m out of my ever lovin’ mind. None of this is true about any of you, or about your sex in general. It contains not even a germ of truth, or resemblance of any germ of truth. It is simply the product of a sick imagination, dreamed up by some ignorant musclehead, —with way too much testosterone and not enough brains to fill up a Ny-Quil dose cup.
If you’re a ‘sensitive soul’, this is probably the wrong guy’s stuff to be reading. I would suggest Lord Byron, or Coleridge. One of those romantic English types. Do NOT go hiding in your closet for two weeks or sending viral emails to all your weepy girlpals and wispy guypals about what a mean, cold hearted misogynst you think I am. I’m kidding. I don’t mean it. It’s supposed to be funny. J O K I N G.
It cannot be construed in any way to be a valid justification for suicidal thoughts, hating all men, dreading relationships, not taking your meds, or otherwise avoiding healthy human contact.
And as a public service to all the humorless neo-feminazis, bad attitude man-haters, and male-feminist-wanna-bees out there, consider your feck-you emails already sent and received. Thanks. “

Now, that disclaimer
was written in the
vain hopes that a2
I wouldn’t upset
anybody with the
whole ‘zany spoof
and witty sarcasm
thing’ that we try
to do around here
on a regular basis.

I still got two feck-you emails from it.

Whether they were
humorless neo-feminazis,
bad attitude man-haters,
or just
male-feminist-wanna-bees,
well, walll
that I could not tell.

But it does go to
show you just
how meaningless
and worthless
these damned
disclaimers are.

And that’s exactly
WHY I use so
many of them.

Hey–

Remember our motto:

” Nothing exceeds
like superfluous jejunity.” 

Oh yeah —

and,
using big words
that nobody understands
don’t hurt, either.

HOY!

important