Letters of the Lovelorn

a3Hiya, Y’all.

For some reason,
we’ve been getting
all kinds of letters
here at the Müscleheaded Blog,

— asking for advice
on matters of the heart.

No,
not about anginabomb

maybe something
that vaguely rhymes with it ?

– but no,
I meant love, wise guy.

And since everybody knows
that I don’t HAVE a heart,

and it is
V
alentines Day,

I thought we’d get suziewonder1
Miss Suzie Wonder,

our very own Müscleheaded
Blog Science Editor,

— to answer ’em for you.

I mean,
love is all about
science, right ???

Part biology,
part sociology,
part psychology,
part —

Oh, well,
anyway,bang
it’s her damned job,

…… and she’s just
gonna have to do it.

Take it away, Suzie.

:::

Love Advice — By Suzie Wonder

Mister Boneheaded ,
… err…. I mean,
Mister Müscleheaded,
has asked me to answer
a few of these lettershammer
that our kind readers
have sent to us……

As to his remark about
love being all about science,

I’d say more ‘anthropology’
in HIS case ….

Considering the intellectual
level upon which this blog
is written,skin

and

considering the Neanderthals
he hangs out with
at that dungeon of
dingy doltishness
that he calls a ‘gym’.

As to these ‘letters’,
I’m not really expecting
anything too complicated…

So let’s dig in,
and see what other gag
kinds of fossils
we can find, shall we?

:::
:::

Dear Suzie ,
I always end up
getting in a fight

with my girlfriend
this time of year,

because otherwise,
I gotta spend a lot of money
for Valentines Day presents,
flowers, candy,
and stuff like that.

We always make up
a week or so
after February 14,

but long enough
so’s she can’t expect me
to gift her retroactively.

But my friends say that
it’s just a matter of time
before she catches on.

Why can’t she love me
for myself and not my money?

PS: Oh, and love the umlaut !!!

Signed,
Careful With Money.

.
.
Dear ‘Careful With Money’:
My friend,
you obviously
got the wrong end
of the cattle prod
this time.
Yep.
Because you are:

A Petty, Parsimonious,
Penurious, Penny Pincher,

A Churlish, Cheap,
Crumdgeonly Codger,

A Mean, Miserly,
Manipulative Money-
grubbing
Misanthropist ,

A Stingy, Skimpy,
Sponging Skinflinty
Scumbag,carwreck

and
An Avaricious, Accumulating,
Acquisitive, Anti-Human….

But,
no….

I wouldn’t call you
‘careful with money’.

And, she’ll figure it out
eventually,
— if there’s any justice
in the world.

In the meantime,
watch out,
ya cheap bastard.

PS: You would like
that umlaut shit.withoutyou

(<editors note–
hey  !?!?!?!?!?!?!>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I love a girl at the
gym named Lita,
and, although
she doesn’t
even know me yet,
I think she would love me too,
— if she’d only return
my phone calls.
(I got her number from
the guy at the desk.)
The one time
she DID answer,
she told me to stop
bothering her,
and to never, never,
never call again —
but I think she’s just afraid
of her husband
hearing her express
her love for me.

Do you think I should
send a telegram instead?
(The guy at the desk
gave me her address, too)

Signed,
Prince Lovesick.

.
Dear Prince Lovesick,
I can understand
why she won’t answer
the phone.
You couldn’t take a hint
if it was a truck
that hit you and
then backed up
over you fourteen
times in a row.
The only things
that Lita’s got going
for her is that:
you’re obviously too
stupid to know
how to manage to
send a text message,
and too much of a weak dick
to talk to her in person.
Buy yourself an
inflatable love doll
and leave the poor girl alone,
… or I’ll come to your
house one night
and turn you back into a frog.
(Muscleheaded gave
me your address.)

(<editors note–
and man, she can do it, too>)
 

.

.

Dear Suzie, 
I’m having a problem
getting my girl friend
to give me head. pregnant

What should I do?
Signed, Anxious.
.
Dear Anxious,
I understand why
she wouldn’t give you head.
Why don’t you grow
one of your own ?

Men are always
expecting women
to give up everything for them
without giving anything in return….

But expecting her to give up
such an important body
part as that,
well, that’s just ridiculous.

And, while you’re
growing a head,
why not grow
some cajones,
while you’re at it.

(<editors note–rest
I think maybe Suzie skipped health
class that day>)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie , 
I keep telling people
that ‘love’ is nothing
but a four letter word.
deepthroat

With the high rate of divorce
and relationship problems
in the world, I really don’t understand why people
can’t understand that.

What do you think?

Signed, Confused and
Concerned in Concord.

.

Dear C & C in C:
Yes, L O V E is a four letter word.
How very astute of you.
I’m very surprised that the
Oxford Dictionary of Philosophy
hasn’t asked you to publish
an article for them.
weird
PS: Please do not breed
under any circumstances.

(<editors note–
I’m with Suzie on
this one, again, sorry … >)
  

.

.

Dear Suzie,
I’m no good at writing
love letters and stuff,

…. but I wanted to
send a girl in my class
something that would
tell her how I felt.

I decided to use some lyrics
that I heard on the radio… love

I thought she’d never
know the difference,

but somehow she found out,
and she even got mad at me
because of the lyrics.

She keeps calling
me a ‘plagiarist’
— whatever the hell THAT is.

My question is:
What’s wrongwtf
with what I did,
and what’s a plagiarist,
anyway?

Signed,
A Plagiarist in Love.
.

Dear Dumbass:
I’m not even gonna
waste my breath on you.

Dumbass.
PS : The above comment about
breeding goes double for you.

(<editors note–
sometimes Suzie can play
kinda rough, ya know? >)
  

.

Happy V-Day !

————————————————————
arough

 

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My Crazy Heart

1coIn the late 1960’s
songwriter J.D. Souther
penned the lyrics to a song
that I have always related to–

It was called “The Fast One“,

— although I remember
it best as:
“My Crazy Heart”

For some reason,

I’ve always thought of it
as my personal Valentines
Day Theme song —

and,

1amwith V.D. only a couple drips …
eerrr….

I mean….
… only a day away,

I figured
let’s post the lyrics ! ”

Well,
why not,
I ask you ?????

Ok, so,
I’ve added some very,
very cool vintage Valentines
to the mix, too —

I’m figuring these are all pre-1960,
— and some are much older.
1hammer
Actually,

several of the great cards on today’s post were brought to you by:
Jen at Blog It or Lose It

your first stop shop
for all things poetic.

1lawAlso a honorable mention
to my old friend R for
demanding more cards,

— and thus prompting
this somewhat impromptu
post in the first place.

And my friend SC had
also dropped a few of
these in my inbox, too —

but she likes to keep
a low profile, so, ’nuff said.

Alrighty, then —

— music, maestro.

“The Fast One”
words and music by J.D Souther.

a2You don’t know how I feel
You don’t seem to care
If I let you see it through my eyes
You wouldn’t see anyone there

It’s no wonder I been crying
It’s no wonder that I’m blue
My crazy heart was gone and let somebody know
When it’s time for me to go

Tired of being lonely
a3Tired of what you do to me
Hear it raining in my heart

Well I’ve been lonely before
But I’ve been so long without sunlight
I can’t take another day more

No wonder I been crying
It’s no wonder I been blue
My crazy heart can’t tell me why

I can’t tell you goodbye
Oh no, I’m tired of all this tragedy
I’m giving you back your misery

a4You better put on a fast one
I think I’m gonna pull through
You better play another fast one
No matter what you do

Put your money in a fast one
I don’t wanna hear the blues
Put on another fast one
Trying to forget about you

Well it ain’t no wonder I been crying
It’s no wonder I been blue
a6My crazy heart can’t tell me why

I can’t tell you goodbye
Darling I’m tired of being lonely
Tired of what you put me through

Now you better put on a fast one
If you want me to pull through
You better play another fast one
No matter what you do

Put your money in a fast one
I don’t wanna hear the blues
Put on another fast one
Trying to forget about you

.

1satisfyNow,
just in case you don’t recognize those lyrics,

Linda Ronstadt’s terrific version of the song is below.

On a more personal note,

1waI hope all my friends up in the Northeast U.S. are doing fine,

— staying warm and indoors.

It’s been cold here in the South,

but nothing like those guys up there and out west have been dealing with.

Just remember we’re thinking about y’all.

Hoy!

a8

.
.

.

If Lovin You Is Wrong

(Memo from the
legal beagle office
of the
Muscleheaded Blog)

OFFICAL NOTICE
to all the V-D
haters out there:

While it is technically a
Muscleheaded Felony

to dislike Valentines Day,
and the fines are quite severe,
I have personally consulted
with counsel about your situation,
and we will give you
immunity 
in exchange for having to put up
with at least 3 more VD posts
that are still coming
down the pike on
this here blog.

So,baloney
please try to get in
the spirit of the thing,

as society itself hinges upon your cooperation,
and you’re going to be expected
to both read and comment
upon any and all posts on the subject in future.

Hey-
buck up buttercup.

Thank you.

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program,

—- now in progress.

 

lildevil

My friends ,

I know I’m probably going to be drivin’
you plum crazy
with Valentines Day
stuff, but I just can’t
help myself, man.

— it’s beyond a doubt
a favorite holiday of mine, and I always
enjoy posting
about what it’s all about.

If I only really knew.

LOVE ?

You can call it love, sure.
fools
Or lust, sure.

Or romance, sure.

Or a combination thereof …
hell, that’s even better.

But, if there’s one holiday
that plum confuses us men
more than any other one,

It’s Valentines Day.

You ladies out there
have it easy on this holiday,
— because you know exactly cuffs
how to make your men happy—

But, we men don’t want
poems or poseys —
(but it does start with a ‘P’… )

(ok–
you can put your head back
in the gutter now, if you want… )

Seriously…..

Just give him something that’s
got anything to do with you naked,

…..and you got the ideal present.

Give him a naughty pic
with a dirty message,
and he’ll lust …

( I mean… ) …selfie
LOVE ya forever.

But for us guys…

that’s another story –

’cause women are complicated creatures….

with complicated wants, needs and desires…

Oh sure, it’s easy enough
to go out and order a
couple of the $59.99 specials
on long stem roses,

……. and the genericok
“Hey- you’re ok with me” Valentines Day cards.

It’s when you’re tempted
to get a little creative
that the trouble starts.

‘Cause there are all kinds of rules
about Valentines Day that no one
has bothered to explain to us…..

and I’m not sure even
WOMEN really understand…….

I’ll give you an example.

vaI have this friend who decided to do something nice for his special lady last Valentines Day…..

now, she was a BIG fan of lovemaking – a BIG FAN – and she was wearing this ole boy out….

(……. and he obviously never read my blog on supplementation for keeping the yang up…)

…… he figured why buy her flowers-
when he could sorta make an ‘investment’ –

he would get her something special,
that might take the ‘heat’ off a little…….

…….. so he went out and spent
about 300 bucks and bought her
this high-tech “love lounger” – – sybian

it’s this thing that has all kinds of attachments and vibrating parts and protruding items of all shapes and sizes…..

ummm hmmm…

well, it’s year later ….

he’s only gotten to see her 6 or 7 times since then,

and she has bought a SECOND ONE of these gizmos in the meantime….

bzzzzzzzzzz………..
bzzzzz……….. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…………………..

SO-

6footRule Number UNO:

—- whatever you get her , no matter what you do –

don’t make yourself redundant.

Just ask yourself –

is she gonna like the present more than she likes YOU ?

If you insist on buying a sexy present,

I recommend getting something SAFE-

something you can both enjoy –twsiter

maybe a sexy board game……….

hey, what red-blooded American girl doesn’t like a nice and lively game of Twister?

Mmmm….

…………. blue circles .

Okay, maybe a food item.

candyOoooo, I know….

…….. some candy hearts with secret, subliminal messages.

Stuff you might not be able say with words,

……… can still be said with the tongue, ya know.

and, if she has a sweet tooth….

well, ALL THE BETTER!

frenchDecisions, decisions.

Lingerie might be a good bet.

It’s certainly true….

… the old male maxim…

That there’s not a woman in the Universe,

who doesn’t look sexier in her undies…..

……………. but again, it has it’s pitfalls.

Like the man said, don’t free-overtime yourself out of a job.

damianaHmm… ok…

How about some exotic Booze?

You know,

… there are several types of alcoholic concoctions that are thought to
have aphrodisiacal qualities ……

….. like Bois Bande from the Virgin Islands………

(well, they were Virgins once…..)

or Damiana Liqueur from Mexico,

or my favorite …… ABSINTHE. absinthe

This is the stuff all those French artists went ga-ga over at the end of the 19th Century…..

and it’s got quite a reputation……

A good bottle of Absinthe can make all your V-D dreams come true.

Valentines Day, that is.

hey –

they didn’t call that guy Too-Loose Lautrec for nothing…….

(yeah, I know……………..
NEXT ! )

asmWell.
maybe candy IS safer—

Assuming, of course,
that it sends exactly the message that you wish to send—

Mistakes can be more than inconvenient, at times.

Remember,
when it comes to this kinda thing…

It’s very much like Christine McVie sang:
” If we can’t be lovers, then we can’t be friends —
and I got some pretty wicked ways to get my revenge. ”

Words to live by, my friend.

Now, you’re probably just gonna get her a card.

But, you have to be careful about what you say in a Valentines card –
tts
Things can get misconstrued quite quickly,

especially if you don’t know the lady that well,

and you’re trying to rectify that…….

The wrong choice of words,
or an incomplete explanation
can cause all kinds of linguistic and rhetorical difficulties.

See, that brings up another problem….

Valentines Day presents all kinds of temptations
to move a little too fast,
before you know a lot about a person….

Your Valentines Day card could be writing checks
that the rest of you ain’t ready, willing or able to cash……….

renoUnless ,
of course,
you’re just one of those one-stop-shop kinda guys.

And then…..

Well, I know a place
where you can get yourself hitched, inked and blotto
all in one convenient location.

Ahhhh, Reno.

hoosegowAnd you thought
it was only a dump with ten dollar hookers.

Seriously,
you really should think this one completely through.

I mean,
I hate to disappoint you,
but the course of treatment
you’re gonna need after your trip to Reno
is gonna cost you much more than 10 bucks….

Even if you just go for the bad ink,
quickie wedding,
and three day drunk route.

Ya know,
that $59.99 special on roses
is looking like a pretty good deal after all …..

HOY !!!

PS…

Thanks to Jen at Blog It or Lose It
for the 2nd and 3rd images,
and George Petty for this last one.

a1

Happy Antique Valentines Day

p

Happy Valentines Day !

Today we feature antique cards
celebrating the holiday of love.

These first two Valentines were
created by the very talented
Frances Brundage.

Frances was already a well known
book illustrator when she started
designing holiday cards in the 1880’s.

Always quite a busy artist,
she was in high demand–

and her work was extremely popular.

She illustrated books by Louisa May Alcott,a1
and Robert Louis Stevenson,

— as well as having done work
in paper dolls, calendars, Christmas cards etc.

Very expressive faces,
naturalistic poses,
and a subtle sense of humor
are hallmarks of her work,

and her Valentines are
considered to be especially collectible.

She was one of the leading
illustrators of her time.

Her imagery,
full of innocence and children,
made for irresistible Valentines.

.
a2
On the right, one of the more
charming Valentines from
the creator of the iconic
Buster Brown character.

Cartoonist
Richard F. Outcault.

Buster originally had his
own cartoon strip in the New York Journal —

and since the Journal was
owned by Randolph Hearst,

perfectlythe strip ran in all his other papers too–

— and in many affiliated and
syndicated newspapers around the United States.

The majority of his Valentines featured Buster,

— but there were plenty of
very popular exceptions, like this one.

Outcault would often exaggerate the fashion of the day —

— using oversized ribbons and such —

Dogs were also a favorite character
in Outcault Valentines.

.
a212trees The implications of our next card
would be pretty obvious to the man
or woman who received such a Valentine.

But, what interests collectors
more these days, is who created it:

Charles Twelvetrees was a
rather mysterious figure in
the history of postcard art.

He was a prolific artist,
who did most of his best work
between 1920 and 1930.

He did magazine cover art for:

F.W. Woolworth’s “The Home Magazine”
and the “Mohawk Magazine”,
et al.twelvetrees

Twelvetrees is said to
have died around 1939.

There are hundreds of individual pieces
done by him,

on postcards, calendars, puzzles,
and of course, Valentines Day cards,

— but yet, background information
on the creator is sketchy at best.

.

kewpieOne of the most popular Valentines themes
with early 1900’s consumers featured
a form of mythical creatures,
not unlike fairies, called ‘Kewpies’.

Another type of character originally
designed for a cartoon strip
for newspaper syndication,

Kewpies were a creation of
Missouri native Rose O’Neill,

…. who, by the
advent of World War I,
had become the highest paid
female illustrator in the country,
due in no small part to these
little cherubic creatures.

The Kewpie was the rage of the 1910’s —RoseO'NeillKewpies
— dolls, paper cutouts, cartoons,
advertising, even food products
all used the ‘Kewpie’ style.

They were,
and are,
instantly recognizable,

and so much so,

that even today,
‘Kewpie’ dolls are still being manufactured,

and a brand of Japanese
mayonnaise uses the name
and image under license.

What a long, strange trip
it’s been, huh ?

.

HOY!

cats1

 

Love At The Mall

a7The candy store at the mall
was surprisingly crowded
this afternoon….

We got four more days
until Valentines Day
( actually, three,
if you’re one of
those folks
who can think
a couple hours ahead )

And,
at the
fancy-pantsv4
expensive card and gift store–

— well, you could barely
get in the door, man.

( maybe because they
only had one relatively
incompetent person
working in the whole place ….

— I dunno,
you figure if they got
the nerve to chargev5
10 bucks for a card,
they could afford
some extra help,
or at least some
training,
but still… )

I was in the mall
looking for the novelty
gift place,
but it’s long gone,
apparently ….

Which means that
from now on,vnail
all of my witty,
semi-suggestive V-D
( Valentines Day )
gifts will have to be acquired
via that modern miracle
of smegmology —
—– the Internet.

No worries, though.

Anything I could possibly
want is out there in thatz1
magical, mystical world of:
you-thought-it,
we-made-it,
you-buy-it . 

Still, I’m a bit retiscent.

My hesitation revolves around
the whole issue of selectivity.

There are literally ooodles
and ooodles of such
things out there,

—-it boggles the search criteria.z3

The stuff ranges from
slinky to sleazy
passionate to pornographic
racy to raunchy
cute to crusty
and nubile to nothing special.

Hey, if you’re in the market
for a teddy bear with a
nine inch pile driver,
well, I promise you
that it’s out there somewhere–

— probably on the same web page
selling satin(-esque) sheets,
men’s panty hose,zwasted
and peace sign shaped
nipple rings.

As for me,
I can be quite picky
about my slightly-naughty
gift selections…..

I want to present the
lucky gift receiver with
something that evokes
just the right combination
of farcicality,
salacity
and revulsion.

I mean, you don’t want
to give a girl a vibratorv5a
unless it’s in some kinda
groovy, cockamamie way.

Otherwise, she could pick
out a much more suitable
cockamamie, herself.

Hell, who needs you for that?

And maybe that’s the
whole point of those
damned things anyway.

But, as Jose Jimenez would say:
” Oh, I Hope NOT. “

!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!

z99

150 Million Cards Can’t Be Wrong

tiedYes, an average
of 150 milllion
Valentines Day cards get sent
every year—

But,
I get it –

Some folks don’t dig
on the whole
Valentines Day thing.

And I don’t judge.
Not much, anyway.

I mean,
some peoplearf
don’t like tacos.
(What the hell are they thinking?)

But as far
as I’m concerned,
anything that started
as a Roman fertility festival
( called Lupercalia )
just has to have it’s share
of potentials for fun.

I guess one of thea2
reasons this holiday
pulls at me so much
has to do with
what I know
(or think I know)
about the power
of a Valentines Day card.

Cause with V.D. cards,akidnap
you get to choose
one of four delicious flavors.

.

Flavor One:
You can have the
innocent puppy love
that you see in those
cute ‘kiddy’ cards —

— send one of those
to somebody and
they can’t possibly
get pissed off
or defensivea1
or assume your motives
are anything but
completely platonic.
(even if they do start
doubting your masculinity
just a tiny bit… )

It’s sorta like hanging
mistletoe at Christmas —

–you’re not seriously
thinking that it’s ever
gonna get you laid.

Umm…
are you?a1a

Hey-
— who knows —
she might even
give you a charity hickey.

.

Flavor Two:
“Maybe we can start
somethin’ here” is flavor two.

A bit of mildly sexy humor,
but nothing serious.

You might give one to that
semi-cute vixen who keeps
stealing the jelly beans
out of the jar in your officeyes
and who keeps insisting
she’s married even though
she doesn’t wear a ring,
you’ve never seen even
the faintest trace of a husband,
and you know that she lives
with her mother.

The good thing is that you
can play “Mission Impossible”
should you choose to accept
to engage in this flavor :
— you know….

” As always, should youval
or any 
of your I.M.
Force be caught

or killed, the Secretary will
disavow any knowledge
of your actions”. 

Potential results include:
A kicky weekend
or a kick in the nuts
should the denial fall flat.

It’s kinda like throwing
craps with dice,
if you’ll pardon the reference.

Ahem.one

.

Flavor Three:
A ‘Full Blown’ Dirty Card.
And all I can say is,
my friend, I hope you
know what you’re doing.
Cause with one
of these cards,
there can be no doubt
in her military mind
what you’re after….
and it reminds mea5
very much of the time
a buddy of mine and I
went to the barber shop….

It was one of those
poncey ones with a cutie pie
young manicurist and everything.
So, naturally,
he decides to get a manicure
while we’re getting our haircuts….
She’s working on his nails,a3
and he’s laying it on thick….
asking her out,
telling her how hot she is….
Finally, she tells him
that she can’t go out
with him,
cause she’s married.
Awww… he says–amum
Just give that bum the brush,
and tell him you
found somebody better.
She says:
” Tell him youself-
—he’s shavin’ you. ” 

.

Flavor Four:
The richly decorated,
‘passion floweth forth’
card
(modesty prevents me from
posting any of these…. )
that almost always
is accompanied byadoodle
ROSES  .

(see my post
on that subject
for navigating that
particularly dangerous
set of land mines.)

Be warned –
This flavor often leads
to the harder stuff —
commitment
and marriage, even.

Now, seriously, man.asppon
Why do you wanna go
and fuck up a perfectly
harmless holiday with
something heavy
like that, I ask you?

.

!!!!!!! HOY !!!!!!!!!!!!!

.

a1