Innovations For Knuckleheads

dreamdateI used to have a cousin whose occupation was ‘inventor’.

( I dunno —
he might still be
my cousin, I guess )

I don’t know what kinda
stuff he invented that
ever went to market,

…..but I do know that
he claimed to have invented
an automatic hen fertilizer
that eliminated the need
for roosters.

It’s probably one of the
reasons I hated the guy,
I dunno.

( Damn traitor . )

Anyway, the way I see it:

There are three kinds
of inventions.

1: The kind that benefits/
contributes to
the health or happiness
of society at large ….

like a new kind of
easily renewable sourcefirehazard
of fuel ,

or the electric light,

or the V-Twin Motorcycle.

Or, a homemade
hot dog roaster ??

.

2: The second kind is the
kind that benefits/contributes
to the health or happiness of
a small group of people
( ya know… for pure profit )
and ends up fucking just
about everybody else …..

like a new kind of easilyhatgun
manufactured chemical
weapon,

or a modified Franken-food
grain that won’t self replicate.

Sometimes, it takes time
before most people realize
that these ‘better living
through chemistry’ type of
inventions are about
corporate profits —-

and not something you
should actually get behind.

Take DDT wallpaper —ddtwallpaper

Oh,

Just perfect for the
nursery, huh ?

Sure.

.

3: The third kind of invention
is the one that really serves
very little purpose other
than make you say:

HUH —
Uh….
…. what you use THAT for
? ” .yodel-o-meter

A yodel meter,
for instance.

Usually, this third type is
a product of a bored imagination with more
idle time on it’s hands
than would be recommended,

and of course,
the end product of the very
minimal expectations that
the inventor started out
trying to achieve.1

It’s the kinda product that,
if it goes to market at all,

…. is advertised at
three in the morning on TV commercials featuring
a loudmouth pitchman
waving his arms around
like his ass just caught fire.

But, they’re alwaysciggie
easy enough to find .

Go anywhere there’s a
guy with a rolling kiosk
and a wearable microphone —
and you’ll see em.

Go to the inside buildings
at the flea market —
you’ll see em.

Go to the local ‘dollar store’ —
you’ll see em.

I like the vintage
ones the best, though.

In the 1930’s,
bad inventors
had their own magazines —

and they would
often feature
articles on how
to recreate
things their readers
had come up with.

Kinda like a DIY guide to:

“How To Not Invent
Anything Worth A Damn ”

I mean,
some of them
worked, sorta.

And some of them,
well…..6

I’m thinking not.

Oh well…

Before anything good
ever comes to fruition,
you’ve got to put it on paper.

So,
back to the
drawing board, right ?

HOY !!!

drawing board

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Just Ask The Mystic Muscleheaded

1aYes,

it’s time again for
somebody’s favorite
very occasionally-occurring
feature of this here
Muscleheaded blog….

Ask the Mystic Muscleheaded.

Otherwise known as :

The “Mystic Musclehead
Reads The Stars”,

or

“The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami Tells All”.

Yeah, sure,
I know that’s three titles.

They’re all so good, ya know…
I couldn’t choose.

Uh hummm….

Anyhoo….

The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami can prognosticate
the future –

He reads the stars …

he is in tune with the spheres ….

11…… and ONLY HE
knows the mystic secret
to how all things work.

Ahem .

Anyhoo…….

It’s really kinda amazing
when you think about it.

One man,
armed only with his trusty
crystal ball and somerash
old road maps.

I mean,
errr……
star charts ……

Seeing way, way,
way into the future –

…….. maybe into lunchtime, even.

( mmmmm… pastrami !)

Hey-
it could happen.

Before we get started with
this month’s exciting episode,
just this short word from
our sponsor.

bearNow, you may have read
that our Muscleheaded
Brand Breakfast Cereal
” Buzzy Bear’s Big
Hunks of Sugar ” –
has been ordered
recalled by the Food
and Drug Administration,

describing it as nothing more than:

” sugar cubes repackaged
with a cute mascot
( Buzzy the Bear ) on the cover
… and a free dangerous toy
in every box. ”

We would like to say
that this is patently untrue.

(aside from the
cute mascot thing)

“Big Hunks of Sugar” brand
breakfast cereal has also been
fortified with minerals —–

( quite accidentally, it turns out,
it happened at the packaging plant…

….. something to do with
shavings from the box machine…. )

……… and, further, it has NOT
been recalled by the FDA.

We withdrew it so they
wouldn’t sue us.

Thank you.

and now…………………

Your Muscleheaded Great
All Knowing Mystic Swami Horoscope

Choose your birth sign,111

and behold your fortune,

………. if you dare .

Aries:
You are a dynamic personality,
and could go far with a little help.
I suggest you borrow your
bosses car and drive it to Alaska.
This is a good time for romance, so …
Hook up with a Gemini ,
and double your pleasure.

.

Taurus:
Your signs are definitely looking up.
The gloom is lifting, and
you should see your way
clear to sending the All Seeing
Mystic Swami that twenty bucks
he lent you last Spring.
That ship you’ve been waiting
for must have gotten lost at sea,
so pay up, pal.
Otherwise, I see a dark
Mediterranean type named
Vito in your future.

.

Gemini:
Difficult times might be
ahead for you.
I see you making a drastic
change in lifestyle.
Your parents have found your stash,
and they are planning on having
the basement fumigated, deloused,
and cleared of it’s one and only tenant–
…….. which means you’ll have to
find a new place to crash.

.

Cancer:
A good time for seeing old
friends and making new
acquaintances.
Email somebody and set
up a disastrous play date.
It will change your perspective,
and your medical profile.
Oh, and The Bee Gees will hold
a reunion concert on your front lawn…….
You will be arrested for holding
an unlawful assembly, and scalping tickets.

.

Leo:
Family and vegetables are
very important to you.
Your Uncle Frank ( twice removed )
will move in with you and insist everyone
in the household go vegan.
Prunes, in particular, according
to Uncle Frank, are the key to good health…
And I predict that
Squeezing the Charmin
will take on a whole new
meaning for you.

.

Elmo:
A good month for study and
meditation awaits you..
afterwards, chaos.
You take sanctuary in a monastery
after your wife hires hit men for
$8000 to kill you for your Gerber Life
$5000 term life policy.
The monks will eventually turn
you out on the street, too.
I warned you to do something
about that snoring, brother.
( …….. and there still ain’t no
damned sign named “Elmo”. )

.

Virgo:
Far be it from me to imply how
totally inappropriate that sign is for you.
I can tell you that it might
be a slow month for business.
People who usually follow comment
you carefully, now will be
apathetic.
I think 15 dollars is a
lot every month
to charge people
just to tune in
your webcam,
if you’re not gonna
do requests.

.

Libra:
I see the word ‘zygote’ in your future.
I have no earthly idea why,
…but them little rubber things
don’t do anything sitting on
your bureau, ya know.
The scales of balance will work
for you in unexpected ways.
Actually, that weight you think you lost??
well, your bathroom scale is wrong –
… so, lay off the Ho-Hos.

.

Scorpio:
Avoid shellfish this month.
Especially lobster. Steak, too.
‘Cause taking you out has
gotten downright expensive.
It might also be a good idea
to hide your jewelry box.
Cause your brother is due for a visit.

.

Sagitwastsis:
No, I still can’t spell it.
You’re gonna have a groovy year,
…. and are generally loved by all.
You are a wonderful human
being, and generous to a fault.
And remember, I do accept donations.

.read

Capricorn:
I got your letter complaining about last month’s column.
And I think I can promise you this one won’t be as “boring” .
Actually , this will be a very exciting month for you.
….with you being thrown out
of the witness protection program,
and your ex-boyfriend getting
out of prison and all…..

.

Aquarius:
You couldn’t get laid waving
a thousand dollar bill in Vegas.
Just stay in bed.
Next month, a thousand bucks
might just be enough.
In the meantime, be careful getting
your computer too close to your
70’s era waterbed.

.

Pisces:
That rash on your ass ain’t
gonna get any better.
But the stars say that you
might have luck.
Go ahead and play the lottery,
but beware.
That Chinese Restaurant
down the block
is closed for remodeling.
You’ll have to pick your
lottery numbers
yourself this month.

.
.

And now, some horoscope art
from that French animation genius,
Arthur De Pins.

I like his work….
…… it’s fun and whimsical.

He’s done all 12 signs here, in his inimical style.
(not including “Elmo”).

!! HOY !!
.

arthurdepins

Getting The Mail

Sometimes
you get the joke.

Sometimes
you don’t.

That’s one of
the interesting
thing about vintage
humor postcards-

The reference may be
something that has
survived to the present
day ,

– or –

the punchline may be
completely clouded in
the mists of relatively
recent past history.

It’s amazing how
quickly stuff
can disappear
that way.

I lost a kite
that way once.

I guess I shouldn’t have
used that cheap string.

You gotta know when to
spend that extra coupla
pennies, ya know.

Anyhoo.

Weird punchline postcards
today on the Muscleheaded
Blog –

The
“Strange Mailbag Edition”. 

Brought to you by
the usual
conglomeration
of conglomerations
and all that.

Actually,
some of these I do get. 

But that’s basically cause
I’m getting to be a period
piece myself, apparently.

And of course,
been there,
done that.

!!! HOY !!!

Stupid Automotive Inventions

Today on
Stupid Automotive Inventions:

” The Horsey Horseless”  ,
” Caddy Cocktails ” ,
” The Steering Wheel of Death”

Yes,
these and less,
much much less.

Damn, I already
gave away
the premise of the post
in the title, didn’t I ?

Ah well.

I guess that
I’ll just get on
with it, then –

Go on,
be that way.

The Horsey Horseless.

Invented in 1898 by a
guy in Battle Creek, Michigan

( the home of Corn Flakes –
which seems somewhat appropriate here, somehow … )

– the Horsey Horseless
was supposed to be
an automobile that
wouldn’t scare the horses,
which were the main
transportation modalities
at the time (that’ll be 20 cents
for that word, by the way).

The theory was that since
the thing had a horse head
on the front, (which doubled
as a fuel tank) the animals
would just figure it was a
very noisy, smelly stallion
that ran on gasoline and not
go all skittish and all.

No, he didn’t know
anything about equine nature
– that’s obvious- and it was
an abject failure.

Hell, folks forgot all about it,
till some high falootin’ loud
mouth musclehead put it on
his blog 120 years later.

Shame on that guy.

Ahem.

I would mention the
in-car record players,
at this point, but I’d truthfully
love to play around with one
of those, so…

Hey-
what about that
“Steering Wheel of Death “,
you ask ?

Well, did you ever stop and
wonder how Sammy Davis Jr
acquired that glass left eye?
( or was it the right ? )

Ahh — interesting story —
that points directly to the
Steering Wheel of Death.

‘Cause the 1954 Cadillac
El Dorado Brougham he
was driving was equipped
with that thing when he got
in a collision in Los Angeles
and his face came straight
down hard upon the bullet
nose style heavy chromed steering wheel.

Cadillac discontinued the
feature shortly after that,

(and you’ll rarely see one that
hasn’t been replaced with a
less dramatic shape today)

— however, they decided
to double down on safety
in the 1957 El Dorado, by
equipping it with a mini-bar
in the front passenger area,
complete with custom cocktail
glasses.

Man, they did it
with style,
you gotta admit.

Sure, auto makers could improve
the efficiency and safety of their
cars, and did in many ways –
but never at the expense
of style or profit –
at least until inventors and
regulators got involved.

Here’s a good example
of what I mean –
– notice the narrow
tail-lights on the car
in the next picture. 

Most cars of the period had
very small indicator lights
because it was considered
old-fashioned and unstylish
to incorporate larger ones –
thus, phosphorescent mittens
were invented to help drivers
signal a turn.

But- let’s not forget
the part in the car
that causes the
most traffic accidents —

— the nut behind the wheel.

And I got a feeling that,
other than dehumanizing it,
self-driving automated cars
ain’t gonna change any of that.

!! HOY !!!

.

Another Strange Holiday Load

I dunno if you’ve been
paying a lot of attention
or not —

but I have to tell you that
we’re sneaking up ever
so closer and closer
to Christmas.

Hey, don’t blame me –

it’s on the calendar
every year
on the same day –

– you’d think that
we’d be used
to it by now.

Oh well.

To do my part to make
you feel as merry and
ho-ho-ho as possible,
I’ve dug down deep in
my ole sack —

( I was itchy anyway)

and come up with more
very bizarre Christmas
greeting cards from the
very festive days of
yesteryear.

One might even call
them yester-weird.

One of the things that
was big in the 1940’s,
for instance, were
‘face’ cards –

— the local print shop
would make up a
humorous background
or theme and then
get their customers
to send in family photos —

– those would then be
superimposed onto a
personalized holiday card.

Sure, they sold a ton of
the things in the 40’s,
but now, they look as
strange and out of place
as Donald Duck in a
changing booth at
Victoria’s Secret.

( Don’t ask me why
that mental picture
is funny to me,
…. it just is .. )

Another involved people
going a little too
anthropomorphic
with their pets ….

— those poor doggies.

I keep telling people that
dogs don’t like to be
dressed up in stupid
costumes and stuff–

—baby bonnets – really??

Dogs take exception to that
kinda thing, because they’ve
got PRIDE, man…

But no one will listen.

You want to cut people’s
heads off and put em on
top of stockings, well, you
got right on and do it.

Just leave your
poor canines out of it.

!!! HOY !!!

Here Comes Secret Santa

sickAlrighty then.

Anybody who was around the Muscleheaded Blog last year knows that we go kinda ape-shit with Christmas themed posts each year.

And, guess what.

Yep.

Of course, it’s not just on the MH blog–

it’s EVERYWHERE you look.

So, as Pedro says,yelling

…..  if it’s inevitable,
you might as well sit back and enjoy it.

Or lie back.

Believe me, I find myself saying that a lot more than I would like.

Ahem.

Oh, and get yer money out,
cause it’s gonna be a long ‘shopping’ season.

I do feel yer pain, trust me.

And that’s not just because I administered it, either.

santaIf you’re like most working people,

… you get this annual pain in the rear quarters that comes along around the holidays…..

It’s called the ‘Secret Santa’ gift exchange….

where you supposedly spend about 10-20 bucks for a present to one of your co-workers,

…. whom you normally wouldn’t bother to even spill coffee on.

I dunno what the big secret is supposed to be,
but I can tell you this—-

I hate those things.

1It never fails….

I’ll spend the whole twenty bucks on somethin nice,

— and then, when it’s time to open MY present, it’s some worthless piece o crap they couldn’t possibly have spent more than 43 cents for.

Yeah…

Thanks so much for the thought and effort, anonymous gift giver.

I figure the back of a business card with FUCK YOU written in purple crayon would have done just as nicely.

And, ok…2

If this just had happened once or twice….

…….. well then, I’m a good sport and all.

( No, I’m not…. )

Ummmm…. , I mean,

……. I can take a joke as well as the next guy.

( No, I can’t ….. )

Ok.. well, dammit, that’s not the point.

It happened every year, and I’m getting to feel like that guy in “Network” —

Y’know….

mad as hell

I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna get you cheap co-worker bastards nice presents any more.

So….

I decided a couple years ago, that from then on, I was gonna find the most worthless, wretched, bizarre gifts I could come up with, and use them for that pain of a Secret Santa Exchange,

…………. until they called the whole damned thing off.

I been doing it religiously every year since then, but they haven’t called it off yet.

Phooooey.

3Don’t get me wrong…

I’m not cheap about it.

I might even spend more than twenty, if the gift is really out there.

Cause it’s worth it.

Just order it, wrap it —

……… then sit back and surf the undulating waves of wonder and disappointment on the faces of your fellow workaday slaves.

If you wanna give it a try, well, feel free, my friend.

The world is yer oyster.

Be sure to practice your “Who would do such a thing” act ahead of time, though……
( just in case they suspect it wuz YOU. )

Lynch mobs can get ugly.

Alright— let’s talk about some of your options.
4
.
Baby Toupees.

Yes, what new parent wouldn’t be thrilled to get one of these for their kid….

Comes in four fabulous fashion styles- Lil Kim, Bob Marley, Samuel L,

…….. and their most popular model — that guy.

No matter how ugly the baby,
………. these are guaranteed
to spruce up that little rugrat.

Yeah, right.

Wait…

………… lemme get a picture.

5Here’s another fine product you might want to consider…..

Especially if you know somebody who hates that TV show ” Duck Dynasty ” —-

It’s the Beer Beard — secret beverage dispenser.

See, what you do, you just put this on, and people will never know you got 72 full ounces of beer stashed discreetly behind your realistic looking facial hair.

Haha…. wow… how subtle can you get, huh?

People are probably using this thing at work right now and you never even knew it!

It might explain a lot.

It comes with everything they need to start using it right away —

Except cheap beer, of course
…. and a comb to brush crumbs and bits of food out of it.
…… and special artificial beard deodorizer ….
…….. oh, and some insect spray…
they might need that after a coupla uses.

Then, just start talking crazy shit about ‘Nam
……….. and people’ll get to thinking yer name is Si.

And speaking of tight asses…..

( Yes, we were, we were talking about the people in your office, remember? )

…..if you work around a lot of vain men, why not give ’em a little help looking their best?

6This is called the Maniki for Men….

… and it’s to give that tight, firm and high look —-

…… to even the flabbiest of empennage des masculines.

You know —
a Butt Bra for the Boss.

This way, you don’t have to listen to all the excuses about:
– how he’s flabby because he’s too busy for the gym,
– how he eats Pizza all the time because he’s too busy to eat right,
– how his clothes don’t fit because he’s too busy to go shoppin….
– how he drinks too much beer because he was so busy that his wife ran off with a jazz musician…….

( actually I heard from Gabby, the office gossip, that it was an entire mariachi band. )

And speaking of Gabby….

What about that big busted office busy-body (conveniently and eponymously named Gabby) who thinks that you enjoy it whenever she leans low over your desk, while she pumps you in that squeaky cartoon voice for office secrets and gossip — (and eats all of the jellybeans out of your jar), when you’d just as soon she jumped out of the 42nd story lavatory window tied to a roll of extra absorbent toilet paper?

Yes, EVERY office has one of those, and we got that covered, too.

7It’s called the Cami-Secret…. as seen on TV.

( over and over and over and over and over again… )

A very subtle way of suggesting that she keep her decolletage to her gabby self.

Ok, yes, personally, I think these should be outlawed….

… cause I don’t ever remember objecting to the display of decolletage of any sort, ( it’s more Gabby’s motives, and not her mammaries, that I object to… )

…… but hey, I know you’ve still got your mother’s picture on your desk, so feel free to go ahead and order ’em if you insist.

Oh, and pardon my French.

Next.

Let your wondering eyes behold the Bijin-Tokei subscription application.
( in English – “beauty clock ” ) 8

Get this for that guy in your office with the overly jealous wife—

Every minute of the day, 24 hours — a new picture of a Japanese cutie holding a sign with the correct time ( in Japan) will arrive on his IPad, IPhone or other high tech gizmo.

He’ll never wonder what time it is in Kyoto, again.

Hmmm…
and while we’re on the subject of spiffy Japanese products……
9
This here one I kinda like.

Of course, it’s $40……

so it’s perfect for gift-givers like me, who’d rather have a laugh,

……….. than money to buy luxuries like food and clothing.

It’s the Choken-Bako dog bank.

You put money in the dog’s bowl, and it picks it up and stores it in the bank. ( located in his belly )

What a useful and thoughtful gift.
Especially if the person don’t like dogs.

Just the right blend of kitchey gizzie and extravagant wasteful spending that shows why you should be the head of the accounting department.

Boy, howdy.

I know you got one in your office– everybody has.

It’s the guy who can’t do anything, go anywhere, or even say a word, until he’s had his coffee fix.

When now, he can get to work right away- ’cause an instant coffee buzz is just a whiff away.
9aThis pack of LeWhif instant coffee inhalers are advertised as being as “rich as coffee, as light as air” —

At twenty bucks a pack, they’re rich alright …..

And they’re so light, you won’t even taste em.

Except maybe for that powdery residue you’ll get in your lungs and throat,

….. if you suck too hard trying to get some flavor out of these things.

But remember– the good thing about gifting these fine products, according to the rules of the Secret Santa gift exchange, ( in most parts of the civilized world, anyway ) is that you can’t receive your own present.

………. until next year
….. when the lucky recipient re-wraps it for Secret Santa 2018.

Lucky you.

Well, just remember:

9b

Bone Awful Album Covers

Alright, alright.

I know, I posted
about music yesterday.

But, when the spirit
takes ya, man…..

And you can’t tell me
you didn’t enjoy those
vintage …
errrr..
ummm…..
classics
.

Something about a
dirty ditty with
amorous attitude
that makes me happy….

Maybe it’s just the
knowledge that there
are more filthy minded
people out there
other than me.

Lemme tell you…
It’s easy to forget.

Ahem.

Today, it’s another edition
of our horrible album
cover collection.

And now,
new and improved
with even
more uber-horrible.

But first,
ask yourself this
very important question-

where would we all be
without bad talking
puppet albums?

Fuck if I know.

Alright —
here’s one I can answer.

This guy calls himself
Li’l Richard for what two reasons?

Ok,
one – to distinguish him
from the real Little Richard

and:

two – so he doesn’t have
to call himself Li’l Dick.

He lets his wife do that.

I kid ole Li’l Dick…

but seriously.

Poor Jenny.

That is one ugly
fake-black eye
she almost has there.

Hoelee moelee.

I bet that guy who is
fake-running did it.

Maybe.

Hey–

I do know one thing
for absolute sure ….

It just wouldn’t be an
ugly album cover post
without one from this Yugoslavian guy.

Ok, so he’s not exactly
photogenic, but he damn
sure wrote a lot of music.

He just needed
somebody else
to design his album covers.

Of course, sometimes
stuff just don’t translate,
and I understand that.

Like Cock Van Der Palm
singing ‘Goodbye My Love’.

Here in the U.S.,
we might, very courteously, suggest that if he kept his
palms off his-self, he might
not have to say
goodbye to anybody.

Hooo boy.

.