Album Covers Bad Enough To Give You Eye Rash

I hope you’re not busy
for the next couple
of minutes…..

– because I’ve got
something to show you.

(No, I didn’t bring candy)

Actually a few things,
and they’re so badly done,
they’ll probably cause you
to break out in some
kinda weird rash, so,
I recommend having some
hydrocortisone creme
(that is safe for the eyes)
on hand, just in case.

Eye rashes in particular
can be very unpleasant-
as are many of these
vintage LP Record Covers.

Now, usually,
if I want to do a
post on awful
album covers —

— all I need to do is
dust off some Tiny Tim,
or a record by a puppet,
or my collection of Gospel
records from the 1970’s —

There’s just so many
horrible choices,
and so little time–

— it’s enough to virtually
melt your brain.

And brain melts can also
be very unpleasant, ya know.

But, I realized that I had
some Jazz albums that
also qualified–

and then there are the
“Todays Hits” things that
were badly performed
‘hits’ by some unknown
garage band,

( the name of which
was printed in such
small letters you couldn’t
hardly see it )

and released to look
like they were
compilations of the songs
that you had heard on the radio
and you actually wanted
to listen to.

But they weren’t even close.

I hate that.

It’s not the record companies
did it unintentionally —
— oh no —
they knew they were
selling you a bill of bads —

— which is why they sold
most of those things on TV.

It was much harder to
return them once you paid
your hard earned $3.95,
(plus shipping and handling)

… and you had nobody
at Peaches record store
to yell at or blame, either.

Anyhoo, I picked out
a couple of stand-out
stink-outs for you today……

What about
” Squirt Does It’s Thing? ”

Brought to you by
a soda company. 

And performed by some
Tijuana bukkake group,
for all I know.

( Would it still be called
‘bukkake’ in Tijuana, I wonder? )

Just kidding.

Now taking all
the mental detritus
I just gushed into your
subconscious mind —

consider our first album
cover at top — by some
creepy looking guy named
JJ Worthington with
the title
” If I Should Touch You”.

You touch me, and you’ll
need an ambulance,
and tout quick, buddy.

Man, that cover skeeves
me out every time. 

But there are,
of course, others.

Like this one which seems
to indicate that Rock and Roll
can, indeed, give you wings.

Even if you’re wearing
a petticoat.

Hey- it’s in
Full Color High Fidelity. 

Whatever that means.

I’m a huge Miles Davis fan,
but just how did they get that
woman to grow out of his
chest like that?

And she kinda looks like
she’s ‘missing the concert’
somehow, anyway.

Maybe she’s still confused by
that bukkake reference.


Clowns and kids…

I just don’t know, man.


There’s actually nothing
wrong with these last
covers, at all.

I just figured you deserved
a treat after what I put
you through, today.

a ‘Tit For Tat’,
ya know.

So, enjoy.