Our Ostrobogulous Friday Mailbag

The writer
Italo Calvano
once said that:

“A classic is a
book that has
never finished
saying what it
has to say.” 

I think that’s
probably true
about a lot
of things,
and not just
books.

For instance,
you can find
a lot of substance
and humor in old
postcards that’s
still totally relevant –

– and still speaks
very much to the
contemporary
reader.

Of course,
there’s also
the other kind
of vintage card —

— still classic,
you understand
(far be it from me
to besmirch such
things ) —

— but perhaps well
outside of Calvano’s
concept —

– much less relevant,
and doesn’t really
have anything
to say to a
contemporary
reader,
other than:
” WTF “ ?

And naturally,
here at the
Muscleheaded Blog,
we specialize
in those kinds
of cards —

.. the ones
that make
you ponder if there
really is intelligent
life on Earth.

(We know the
answer to that,
now, don’t we?)

So, today, we go
one step further
in fulfilling our
ultimate destiny….

as we present
some more blatant
examples of the
second type of
classic vintage
postcard —

— the ones for
which the meaning
has been hopelessly
obscured amongst
the 23-skidoos,
O-U-Kids and
banana twinkies
deep, deep down
in the time-space
continuum.

Uh hum.

Ok, so sure,
a couple of these
are simply about
old fashioned
flirtation, which
today would come
off as a 9 or a 10
on the official
gauge of these
things…..

The Fester Addams
Relative Creepster
Gradience Scale.

You might not
want what the guy
in the postcard
is selling, but the
product on offer
itself is pretty clear.

And I’m sure we
can come up
with explanations
for what we think
the rest of them
meant, for sure,
but real
understanding
is such a …..
well,
it’s a kinda
hard
thing to
understand,
sometimes.

Hey-
that should
be a famous
quote.

.

!!! HOY !!!

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Incredibly Crummy Album Covers

I used to think,
back in my innocent,
and much younger
days —

— that one needed
some iota of talent
or skill in order
to qualify to be
an album cover artist,
or to create an album
that people would
actually want to listen
to.

Ha.

Ok-
they got me
on that one.

It turns out that
it’s a lot like doing
the Muscleheaded
Blog–
— no real brilliance
is required.

Who knew,
right?

How you DID go about
becoming an album
cover artist for some
of today’s featured
vintage LP’s ?

Apparently, it was an
unfathomable mix
of luck, Dad’s money,
and inapt ineptitude,
combined with a total
lack of imagination
and taste.

And aside from the
whole Dad’s money
thing, still pretty much
the same qualifications
for working here.

Ahem.

Happily, we have a
legion of intelligent,
tasteful, and sharp-eyed
readers who help keep
this wreck of a proverbial
Hesperus afloat.

And several of these
very kind folks
( including my old
friends Jen and Katie )
have been kind enough
to contribute images
of covers that they
find particularly
exceptionally
exceptionable.

I know they’re both
animal lovers, and I’m
certainly capable of
flashing that sad eyed
lost-pet-monkey look
when I need something
interesting to post , so
maybe that explains it….

Although what
explains putting a
barrel of monkeys
together and calling
it a recording group
is something
else entirely.

No, I didn’t say
‘Monkees’ as
in Davey Jones
and those wacky
boys from the
younger generation
who’re just hanging
around.

I mean –
monkey as in
Lancelot Link –
the primate hero
of an early 1970’s
TV show called :
“Lancelot Link,
Secret Chimp”.

In one of the episodes,
Link formed a band to
communicate secret
messages to his
fellow simian spies —

and the band
was called:
The Evolution Revolution“.

So, some marketing
moguls in TV land
somewhere decided
that there was money
to be made on the
whole stupid concept –

– and ‘ voila ‘ – an
ABC-Dunhill record
album featuring the
‘group’.

The music itself is
is played badly
enough to have really
been done by apes-
in what we used to
call ‘bubblegum’ style…

— you know,
like the ‘ Archies ‘,
another completely
inane but commercially
successful waste of
polyvinyl chloride.

Should you
somehow,
someday,
lose your
sense of hearing,
and be overcome
with the mad
desire to drive your
friends and neighbors
absolutely bat-shit
crazy, I’m not entirely
sure that you would
be able to purchase
a copy of this aural
disaster on digital CD,
so I’ve included a link
to a You-Tube video
that should work just as
well.

Yep.

If you replay it a
couple (14) times
at full blast volume
using a nice Marshall
Amp stack setup,
I guarantee results.

Just be sure
that you don’t
look at the screen –

— and that you
yourself are well
and truly deaf first.

.

!!! HOY !!!

.

The Dog Days Of August

How
about that ?

August
already.

Hmmm….
time to break
out my monthly
calendar and see
just what the
@#*^%’s
going on.

OOoooooooooo.

Did you
know:

August is National
‘Admit You’re
Happy’ Month?

What was that song….

If you’re happy and
you know it,
get the clap.

Maybe I got
the words
out of place,
I dunno.

It’s National
‘Clown Week’
between the 1st
and the 7th.

Hmmmm….
it seems to me
that it’s
actually been
‘ Clown Week ‘
for sometime.

That might
just be my bad
attitude talking,
or so say some.

Hoo boy.

August 3rd
is gonna
be busy –
It’s National
“Grab Some Nuts” day.

I’ve always said
they were
under-rated,
but
as far as
grabbing em,
it depends on
technique,
of course.

‘International Beer Day’
is also Friday, August 3-

now, that’s a
holiday I think
maybe has some
definite potential.

Yeah, man.

Can you name
three of your
favorite foreign
brews?

Off the top
of my head,
I’d say:

” Guinness “,
” Żywiec ” ,
and “Duvel “,

but I could
go on
and
on and on
and on, and on…

And it makes
sense that
the following day is
“International
Hangover Day”,
too.

‘National Underwear’ Day
is the 5th – the day after
‘Coast Guard’ Day.

What you do to celebrate
it as a package deal is
go deep sea diving in your
underwear, and then call
for rescue.

No,
better not.

‘Left Handers Day’
is the 13th.

Hey- who doesn’t
need a little variety,
right ?

‘Bad Poetry Day’ is
Wednesday, August 18-

– try to come up with
something that doesn’t
start with a line like:
“There Once Was
A Girl From Nantucket ”

Kiss and Make Up
day is the 25th —

– in case you’re not
still wearing your
wet underwear.

‘National
Dog Day’ is
the 26th —

— which just
proves the old
adage about
every dog
has
his/her day.

Except my dog.

Daisie’s day
is
every
day.

!!! HOY !!!

.

Innovations For Knuckleheads

dreamdateI used to have a cousin whose occupation was ‘inventor’.

( I dunno —
he might still be
my cousin, I guess )

I don’t know what kinda
stuff he invented that
ever went to market,

…..but I do know that
he claimed to have invented
an automatic hen fertilizer
that eliminated the need
for roosters.

It’s probably one of the
reasons I hated the guy,
I dunno.

( Damn traitor . )

Anyway, the way I see it:

There are three kinds
of inventions.

1: The kind that benefits/
contributes to
the health or happiness
of society at large ….

like a new kind of
easily renewable sourcefirehazard
of fuel ,

or the electric light,

or the V-Twin Motorcycle.

Or, a homemade
hot dog roaster ??

.

2: The second kind is the
kind that benefits/contributes
to the health or happiness of
a small group of people
( ya know… for pure profit )
and ends up fucking just
about everybody else …..

like a new kind of easilyhatgun
manufactured chemical
weapon,

or a modified Franken-food
grain that won’t self replicate.

Sometimes, it takes time
before most people realize
that these ‘better living
through chemistry’ type of
inventions are about
corporate profits —-

and not something you
should actually get behind.

Take DDT wallpaper —ddtwallpaper

Oh,

Just perfect for the
nursery, huh ?

Sure.

.

3: The third kind of invention
is the one that really serves
very little purpose other
than make you say:

HUH —
Uh….
…. what you use THAT for
? ” .yodel-o-meter

A yodel meter,
for instance.

Usually, this third type is
a product of a bored imagination with more
idle time on it’s hands
than would be recommended,

and of course,
the end product of the very
minimal expectations that
the inventor started out
trying to achieve.1

It’s the kinda product that,
if it goes to market at all,

…. is advertised at
three in the morning on TV commercials featuring
a loudmouth pitchman
waving his arms around
like his ass just caught fire.

But, they’re alwaysciggie
easy enough to find .

Go anywhere there’s a
guy with a rolling kiosk
and a wearable microphone —
and you’ll see em.

Go to the inside buildings
at the flea market —
you’ll see em.

Go to the local ‘dollar store’ —
you’ll see em.

I like the vintage
ones the best, though.

In the 1930’s,
bad inventors
had their own magazines —

and they would
often feature
articles on how
to recreate
things their readers
had come up with.

Kinda like a DIY guide to:

“How To Not Invent
Anything Worth A Damn ”

I mean,
some of them
worked, sorta.

And some of them,
well…..6

I’m thinking not.

Oh well…

Before anything good
ever comes to fruition,
you’ve got to put it on paper.

So,
back to the
drawing board, right ?

HOY !!!

drawing board

Just Ask The Mystic Muscleheaded

1aYes,

it’s time again for
somebody’s favorite
very occasionally-occurring
feature of this here
Muscleheaded blog….

Ask the Mystic Muscleheaded.

Otherwise known as :

The “Mystic Musclehead
Reads The Stars”,

or

“The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami Tells All”.

Yeah, sure,
I know that’s three titles.

They’re all so good, ya know…
I couldn’t choose.

Uh hummm….

Anyhoo….

The Great All-Knowing
Mystic Swami can prognosticate
the future –

He reads the stars …

he is in tune with the spheres ….

11…… and ONLY HE
knows the mystic secret
to how all things work.

Ahem .

Anyhoo…….

It’s really kinda amazing
when you think about it.

One man,
armed only with his trusty
crystal ball and somerash
old road maps.

I mean,
errr……
star charts ……

Seeing way, way,
way into the future –

…….. maybe into lunchtime, even.

( mmmmm… pastrami !)

Hey-
it could happen.

Before we get started with
this month’s exciting episode,
just this short word from
our sponsor.

bearNow, you may have read
that our Muscleheaded
Brand Breakfast Cereal
” Buzzy Bear’s Big
Hunks of Sugar ” –
has been ordered
recalled by the Food
and Drug Administration,

describing it as nothing more than:

” sugar cubes repackaged
with a cute mascot
( Buzzy the Bear ) on the cover
… and a free dangerous toy
in every box. ”

We would like to say
that this is patently untrue.

(aside from the
cute mascot thing)

“Big Hunks of Sugar” brand
breakfast cereal has also been
fortified with minerals —–

( quite accidentally, it turns out,
it happened at the packaging plant…

….. something to do with
shavings from the box machine…. )

……… and, further, it has NOT
been recalled by the FDA.

We withdrew it so they
wouldn’t sue us.

Thank you.

and now…………………

Your Muscleheaded Great
All Knowing Mystic Swami Horoscope

Choose your birth sign,111

and behold your fortune,

………. if you dare .

Aries:
You are a dynamic personality,
and could go far with a little help.
I suggest you borrow your
bosses car and drive it to Alaska.
This is a good time for romance, so …
Hook up with a Gemini ,
and double your pleasure.

.

Taurus:
Your signs are definitely looking up.
The gloom is lifting, and
you should see your way
clear to sending the All Seeing
Mystic Swami that twenty bucks
he lent you last Spring.
That ship you’ve been waiting
for must have gotten lost at sea,
so pay up, pal.
Otherwise, I see a dark
Mediterranean type named
Vito in your future.

.

Gemini:
Difficult times might be
ahead for you.
I see you making a drastic
change in lifestyle.
Your parents have found your stash,
and they are planning on having
the basement fumigated, deloused,
and cleared of it’s one and only tenant–
…….. which means you’ll have to
find a new place to crash.

.

Cancer:
A good time for seeing old
friends and making new
acquaintances.
Email somebody and set
up a disastrous play date.
It will change your perspective,
and your medical profile.
Oh, and The Bee Gees will hold
a reunion concert on your front lawn…….
You will be arrested for holding
an unlawful assembly, and scalping tickets.

.

Leo:
Family and vegetables are
very important to you.
Your Uncle Frank ( twice removed )
will move in with you and insist everyone
in the household go vegan.
Prunes, in particular, according
to Uncle Frank, are the key to good health…
And I predict that
Squeezing the Charmin
will take on a whole new
meaning for you.

.

Elmo:
A good month for study and
meditation awaits you..
afterwards, chaos.
You take sanctuary in a monastery
after your wife hires hit men for
$8000 to kill you for your Gerber Life
$5000 term life policy.
The monks will eventually turn
you out on the street, too.
I warned you to do something
about that snoring, brother.
( …….. and there still ain’t no
damned sign named “Elmo”. )

.

Virgo:
Far be it from me to imply how
totally inappropriate that sign is for you.
I can tell you that it might
be a slow month for business.
People who usually follow comment
you carefully, now will be
apathetic.
I think 15 dollars is a
lot every month
to charge people
just to tune in
your webcam,
if you’re not gonna
do requests.

.

Libra:
I see the word ‘zygote’ in your future.
I have no earthly idea why,
…but them little rubber things
don’t do anything sitting on
your bureau, ya know.
The scales of balance will work
for you in unexpected ways.
Actually, that weight you think you lost??
well, your bathroom scale is wrong –
… so, lay off the Ho-Hos.

.

Scorpio:
Avoid shellfish this month.
Especially lobster. Steak, too.
‘Cause taking you out has
gotten downright expensive.
It might also be a good idea
to hide your jewelry box.
Cause your brother is due for a visit.

.

Sagitwastsis:
No, I still can’t spell it.
You’re gonna have a groovy year,
…. and are generally loved by all.
You are a wonderful human
being, and generous to a fault.
And remember, I do accept donations.

.read

Capricorn:
I got your letter complaining about last month’s column.
And I think I can promise you this one won’t be as “boring” .
Actually , this will be a very exciting month for you.
….with you being thrown out
of the witness protection program,
and your ex-boyfriend getting
out of prison and all…..

.

Aquarius:
You couldn’t get laid waving
a thousand dollar bill in Vegas.
Just stay in bed.
Next month, a thousand bucks
might just be enough.
In the meantime, be careful getting
your computer too close to your
70’s era waterbed.

.

Pisces:
That rash on your ass ain’t
gonna get any better.
But the stars say that you
might have luck.
Go ahead and play the lottery,
but beware.
That Chinese Restaurant
down the block
is closed for remodeling.
You’ll have to pick your
lottery numbers
yourself this month.

.
.

And now, some horoscope art
from that French animation genius,
Arthur De Pins.

I like his work….
…… it’s fun and whimsical.

He’s done all 12 signs here, in his inimical style.
(not including “Elmo”).

!! HOY !!
.

arthurdepins

Getting The Mail

Sometimes
you get the joke.

Sometimes
you don’t.

That’s one of
the interesting
thing about vintage
humor postcards-

The reference may be
something that has
survived to the present
day ,

– or –

the punchline may be
completely clouded in
the mists of relatively
recent past history.

It’s amazing how
quickly stuff
can disappear
that way.

I lost a kite
that way once.

I guess I shouldn’t have
used that cheap string.

You gotta know when to
spend that extra coupla
pennies, ya know.

Anyhoo.

Weird punchline postcards
today on the Muscleheaded
Blog –

The
“Strange Mailbag Edition”. 

Brought to you by
the usual
conglomeration
of conglomerations
and all that.

Actually,
some of these I do get. 

But that’s basically cause
I’m getting to be a period
piece myself, apparently.

And of course,
been there,
done that.

!!! HOY !!!